A Heartbreaking Blog of Staggering Genius

Oh, btw...

2009-11-29T15:26:00.000-05:00

Remember how I said I'm trying to take steps forward as far as like, taking better care of myself/my life etc.. Health-wise esp??

Yeah. I have two evaluations coming up, on the 4th & 5th. I'd be lying to say I'm not thinking about it a liiil too much, but there's a lot riding on them. A looooot. I'm just glad I don't have to lie about anything, cuz we all know I'm certifiable.

I just hope I don't break down or anything like that. I mean, it'll prob help me out in the long run, but I don't want to look like a punk. I cried @ Social Services once, poor me. But it helped, so.. Hm, maybe I should try and get the water works flowing... It seems to be the best bet w/ these kind of people..

If all goes well, my life is going to change drastically. It would take a few months, but once it rains, it's going to pour.. I could actually end up happy! Like, I'm happy right now, right this instance, don't get me wrong. There's just certain things that I've gooooot to have, and ooooooohhh what a wonderful world it'll be if I get them. WE'LL be two loopy bitches, I know that much. I've got everything from my fingers to my b-hole crossed @ this point. I'm still on track w/ my paperwork, not letting it go too long w/o being filled/sent back etc.. Something is going good. It's weird, def a first in life for me.

I wish my phone was going to be fixed before the appts, I'd love to record some of it, audio-wise. Another thing that could happen is I could start lmao for no reason, like people in my family tend to do. Lu and I esp, we start geekin' out of nowhere, which doesn't help when you're telling someone something b/c then they think you're lying b/c of how cheesy the grins we give are. Lu gets mad when it happens but it doesn't matter b/c he's smiling so hard that you think he's fuckin' w/ you. Not the worse burden to bear, but def odd.

Oh, also... I've noticed that my smile creases are deeper than usual. My face is slightly thinner which prob adds to it, but it's also a family trait from my Ma.. Lu's had them since forever, and he has little ones and big ones. So cute, aw.. I want to kick it w/ him sometime soon.. I think my Ma is cooking for Xmas so I guess I'll be over there.. I can't miss my nephew's first Xmas, def not. My Ma would never stfu about it if I did.

Ahhh um let's see, I think that's all I wanted to talk about. I think Adam and I are gonna head to Wal-Mart to look @ crock pots. You're more than welcome to join us, lol.

I can't believe it's

2009-11-29T13:10:00.001-05:00

almost Christmas.. Isn't that insane?? Did this year fly for you like it seems to have done for me??

It's not like my year was filled w/ soooo many things.. Not that it WASN'T, but you know.. BFE can only offer so much to do, lol. Get high or die. Whaaaaaat.....

What's everyone doing for Xmas?? I hope Dec goes better this year than it did last year.. I had a few saviors but I don't think I can count them all in this time around..

I just want to look @ lights, man.. Megan, where you be @?!? It's tiiiiiiime, it's tiiiiiiime!

I saw my first set of post-Thanksgiving lights last night. They even had the gaudy leg lamp in the window.. Tell me you know where it's from..

OMFG I just got sooo cold, wth. Maybe my soul has a leak :( haha how emo..

Um..

I don't know what to say. I had something to say but as usual, I forgot. I know that it's Sunday and kickoff is in like 3 minutes, so yeah.. Go Niners!! Straight to hell, in fact. WIN A FUCKING GAME ALREADY! We started out so promising, boooo hooooo! I'm OVER IT. I feel like JESSICA right now, haha.. (Go Browns!) Can a bitch feel victorious for once?? I live w/ a fucking COLTS fan, this is getting old! At least the Raiders still suck, works for me! Now I just need a complete collapse of the Cardinals and I'm Guuuuuuuucci...

Brr, there goes that chill again..

Anyone go shopping on Black Friday??

dksjgnkdgnksghnsklglkshg

I want something to do. Right now. Man, oh man, I am booooorrrrrred. I did get to watch Addams Family Values earlier, so I got to jam out to the Turkey song that I've been obsessed w/ since the movie first came out.. I also watched A Boy Named Charlie Brown, looove it. Missed it last night but it came on today. I did not however miss Snoopy, Come Home. I was perfectly depressed when it came on, riding a waaaaaave of anxiety that went away w/ the help of a secret weapon. Ty, ty.

Now, I just need to ____________________________________ and I'll be glooooorious.

I'm sorry that Myspace got all the good blogs,

2009-11-26T20:29:00.002-05:00

dear friend.. Just didn't have the time, lol.

No Doubt is def the best everrrr...

2009-11-26T20:26:00.002-05:00

'Excuse Me Mr.' is fucking classic... Jeeeesus, lol. 'Sunday Morning', too.

I wish you could buy new skin.. I'd get song lyrics all over and switch'em like a damn phone, lol..

There are soo many songs that express how I feel, and have felt over the past week. I can't have a fave song longer than a week sometimes, there's just too many random life experiences for all that, yanno??

I feel like I've been moody, but it's b/c the anxiety starts to swell and all that happens around me is happening while I'm in the midst of freaking out, lol. It's all so stupid.

It's ALL sooo stupid. OMG.. I wanna write a "ME" blog, which everyone keeps complaining that I haven't in a while.. I dunno, if we talk, you hear the fresh news lol..

I'm def cheating ya'll, cuz some funny shit has happened but I seem to have lost my ability to record said events.. I talked to Stevo on the phone the other day for like 4-5 hours, and that was fantastic.. He brought up all the vids we shot @ Gmas, and all the stupid shit we used to do. It's sad that something so recent is just another "those days" story now.. We all miss Gmas.. We need it. Things were falling apart while we were there, but it didn't unravel for real until that was all over.. Even if there were petty lil secret thangs goin' on there, it didn't matter as much as we did to each other..

Some people, I feel like I'll never see again. Not always a bad thing, but not always good, either.

Pause, my fuckin' back hurts. You just don't know. I've been standing since I got up... Sonuvabitch, man. Plus the cold makes it worse.. I think my Ma is getting me a new jacket tomorrow. Or she's going to try to, anyway..

I'm about to be on some G shit here soon, but I'm not telling you what that entails. You either know, or you're gonna find out. I just hope not via the news media, lol..

Gwen is slayin' my soul right now, omfg.. Simple Kind Of Life is on, looove this song so much.. Always have.. Makes me think of someone from many me's ago. snifflesniffle.

Aaaaanyway, I hope all is well.. I really want to get up w/ a lot of you and do the whole Xmas light thing, we gotta get that jumpin, son!! It's not Xmas w/o the lights, haha.. Story of the year!

Uhh, damn.. How you hos doin?? I'm one to talk, the way I've been acting lately, lol.. Like Brandi and I used to aaaalways say... "Shh, don't teeelll nobody!" :)

"And iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's all yooooooooour fault....."

I want to hear 'Bad Romance' now, wtf.. Amanda, I know you're about to dl that, riiiiiight!?!? Wooouuuld if I could. Matter of fact, I DID dl it b/c you said something about it in the kithen that day, I just can't play the bitch. F...!

The other day I talked to my Ma for the first time about my anxiety problems.. At one point in the convo she told me she always knew I deserved a check, haha.. This was by text, fyi.. The day my phone broke :| MOVING ALONG.....

It was a real good talk, in case you're wondering.. It can get a bit hairy w/ Ma Dukes, but I'm glad I said something to her.. She told me to "think of Willoughby. Happy times." whiiich of course had a bitch ready to BAAAAAAAAWL, ugh.. I try, Ma.. I do.. But shit comes creepin' in w/o invitation. I wish I could've explained that to a lot of people in my life a long time ago.. Talking about it seemed like the worst option ever, but @ least if you know, you know to stop asking me what's wrong. I mean, it may really just be you but hey, you deserve that anxiety if I deserve mine.. lol

I just want to say grace for the good things that are hopefully about to come to me.. A means to an end, that's all I'm looking for. Not entire situations, just mine. Remove everything you think you read in that and take it for what it really is. I just need some things I don't have right now, and fully plan on getting them. Real talk.

I want that option again. When I had it, I pissed on it, but not this time.. I've got reasons, and reason is enough.

PS, def listening to Nirvana - In Utero now.. 'Serve The Servants', to be song specific. Fucking love this song, omg.. I love Thanksgiving, being by myself w/ great music, and a way to breathe a little. There's something to be thankful for. I wouldn't mind company w/ this but a. I've been surrounded by people all day, I'm good, and b. they wouldn't be allowed to talk, @ least not to me. I'm in the zoooooone.

I love this place.

I've been trying to find nirrrvana all week. This song just delivered me to its doorstep.

Aw, man..

I need some guidance right now. I'm not worried about falling by the wayside, I know what I want and need so a bitch is in it to win it now. I thought I felt like that before, but now that sanity is seemingly/hopefully getting closer........ I dunno..

I was thinking about the book the other day. The date that I have a lot of shit saved on is a date in the future, and it's coming up in the next few months. I wonder if I'll actually finish it in time, or just bullshit? If I could keep a straight thought, or stop changing my mind so often. My brain is giving me too many options. If I were a simple-minded fucker, I'd be Gucci buuuuuuut I'm not. Ignorance may be bliss, but not to all!

"I miss the comfort in bein' saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad..."

Oh god, Kurt.. Come back to us!! LOL..

Actually, I don't need guidance. If I ask for help from anyone other than the person I ask now, there will be too many things on my plate. Not everyone can help every thing, and I don't want to spread my truth out but so far. Ya dig? I'll just keep dealing w/ him, and hiding the rest.. Like I've been doing, lol. He's def helping me stay on track w/ things tho, esp procrastinating over paperwork type shit.. I think I made mention of it before. If so, oh well. Here it is again, bitches. I'm just stoked to be getting somewhere, wtf!! The phone thing is a setback, fa sho..

"Don't.... tell me what I wanna hear... Afraid of never knowing fear.."

I'm about to post the whole song, omfg.. This has been one of my fave songs since I was like 12.. I wish I still was....... lol

I know that 'Lounge Act' is on Nevermind and not In Utero, however the iPod is on Shuffle/Nirvana, sooo smd.. And swallow.

Truth - covered in security
I can't let you smother me
I'd like to, but it couldn't work
Trading off and taking turns
I don't regret a thing

And I've got this friend, you see
Who makes me feel and I
Wanted more than I could steal
I'll arrest myself, I'll wear a shield
I'll go out of my way to prove I still
I still smell her on you

Don't - tell me what I wanna hear
Afraid of never knowing fear
Experience anything you need
I'll keep fighting jealousy
Until it's fucking gone

And I've got this friend, you see
Who makes me feel and I
Wanted more than I could steal
I'll arrest myself, I'll wear a shield
I'll go out of my way to prove I still
I still smell her on you

Truth! - covered in security
I can't let you smother me
I'd like to but it couldn't work
Trading off and taking turns
I don't regret a thing

And I've got this friend, you see
Who makes me feel and I
Wanted more than I could steal
I'll arrest myself, I'll wear a shield
I'll go out of my way to make you a deal
We've made a pact to learn from who
Ever we want without new rules
We'll share what's lost and what we grew
They'll go out of their way
To prove they still

Still smell her on you (x3)

- - - -

I hope you are old enough and smart enough to have jammed to them bitd, oh man.. Everytime I listen to Nirvana albums, I can think back to the days I realized just how fantastic they were. Like, I obv listened to them since forever and ever, amen, but as I got older and the lyrics made more sense, you know?? That prolific moment where I was just like, WHOA. LA is def one of those songs.. And 'On A Plain', which is on now. Soooo many days spent in my room, or walking around w/ my headphones on, straight jammin' and being so lost in thought. I'm lost now, and w/o music I'd never find my way home...

"Forever in debt to your priceless advice...."

Stfu, man.. <333

See, I wouldn't be able to handle Kurt Cobain as an adult.. Let's just say he lived.. God status reached upon entry, so I'd be just as obsessed in life all over again.. But worse, b/c I'm older.. If I were to be in the audience during a song like this, sang so awesomely...??? I would throw the fuck up. I'm almost (sikestillhateyoukillyourselflaurenlolbutnotreally) glad that I missed the chance to see Silverchair on my bday before, cuz I would have def hit the deeeck over Daniel Johns, good lord.

"I'd love to have your cake, and eat it, too...."

2009-08-04T14:13:00.003-04:00

Baaaaaaaaack to my birthday cake.

My Ma apparently stocked up in Mormon food bank items, which explains the absoluuuuutely disgusting cake she made for me. I wish I could share it via blog, or even in person, but I def gave that bitch back THE next day. Like, ohhh you're out of the ER, hm?? Here's your fucking cake back, bitch.

I.... Oh my.. I just wish I knew how to explain the nastiness of the cake! WTF!! I snapped for about an hour, off and on, while eating my bday dinner w/ Lauren and Dylan.... Lucious was weak as a bitch, b/c I made him taste it jic it was just me. But no! I was right, and his exact words were "That jank is trife as a bit." Sooooo, nice try, Ma.. I wrapped the entire thing (we just ate the frosting, that was enough) in tin foil and put it in a grocery bag. I returned it the same way.

The thing is, the selfishness of it all, is what amused me the most. I literally went the fuck OFF about this cake, like I dgaf that she was currently in the hospital, or that she gave birth to me, for that matter. I was like, "I specifically recall texting her and telling her it 'better taste like love', but this mafaka tastes like she fucking HATES me, like she can't stand a bitch!"... I was tempted to throw it against a wall and leave it there, but that would've been too far.

Now, had she been home.......

Spoiled, right?? Wrong. It's her goddamn fault. As picky as we are as a family, wtf would she even ASSUME I would eat that bitch?? She fuckin' knew, I know she did. Her reaction to me walking in the following night w/ the OG cake, plus a REAL box of mix/frosting (Duncan Hines) let me know that she wasn't too sure about the bitch her damn self. I walked into some sort of fagalicious meeting w/ maaaad lil gay dudes (I hope I know someone from the ST forum, haha) w/ all that in my hands, and she goes "Oh noooo, no you didn't!"

"Ohhhh yes I did. The cake is f-n trife."

Before that, West had asked me in the driveway why I hadn't left a slice for anyone. I told her they could have the entire fucking thing back, and that was why I was there in the first place. She then proceeds to tell me that my sis Lauren told her it was "bangin", an assumption that came from NOTHING, seeing as how the entire cake was intact when I got there. HTF would she know??

Anyway, she's baking my cake Sat along w/ one for Lauren, as it is her 18th birthday. Last one of us to become legal. First one out of the baby gate, however. :|

Wtf was I about to... Oh! So again the spoiled thing....... Remember last Christmas when I blogged about how selfish my Ma was, and that I brought her a Wawa sub which she hated and flipped the fuck out over, causing me to throw it against the wall (ha...) and flip out in return?? This is the exact same way she prob felt about her sub, thus making it her fault twice-over b/c she bred that selfish nature into all 3 of us, sooooo... The phrase "Why would I even....." preceeds a lo of argument-starting sentences in our family, and always has. Or "Why would you...", as in WHY WOULD YOU BAKE ME A CAKE YOU KNOW I WON'T EAT!!!?!? Whyyyyy would I bring her a sub she wouldn't eat??, etc...

Basically, we all need to get over ourselves, but no one has been able to force us to do so, esp not our Dad who lost plenty of battles w/ her over the years. LB snapped on me once when she made me PB&J that I refused to eat, but wtf would you make me something like that KNOWING I have texture issues?? The spread of jelly I use is so thin, it's like purple paint on bread. I just want the flavor, not the actual jelly, lol. I appreciate the gesture in situations like that, but then I'm like, whyyyyy would you even do it, knowing how I am?? It's a dick thing to do/say/feel, but that's what it boils down to.

I've had people get butt hurt b/c I won't let them fix me eggs. STFU! If you know how fanatical I am about my eggs, why would you set yourself up for such a verbal lashing?? I'm not going to be gracious and eat them anyway, trust and BE-LIEVE that shit, lol. This is why I'm getting CUNT tattooed inside my lip. It's just what it is, son.

And don't waste your time on the hardball game of "Well fine, I just won't do the shit for you ever again."

Really, cuz that would be SPLENDID, OBV, HENCE MY REACTION. Nine times out of ten, I never asked for the treatment given, so that's on YOU. Ya prick! lol

Nevermind the fact that sometimes it's just funny to see how people react to my reactions. I love a non-fight fight where I can just throw witty jabs left and right, and then ask you is it THAT serious?? Or be asked, even. That makes it better, esp if YOU initiated the fight.

"IS IT??" is my typical response to that one, and I'm sure all the other assholes who read this will agree that it works best.

[Edit]

I wrote this like a week ago, and have since been BACK to my Ma's house. THIS BITCH didn't bake my cake!! I went on LA Dre's bday (my sis) and kicked it w/ the 'Phew for a lil bit. Still SO cute.. Anyway she tells me she was tired or some shit. I'm tired of not having a cake, bitch. I dgaf that I'm 27 and not 17, I WANT A BIRTHDAY CAKE AND I WANT ONE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!

My nigga is KIIIIIILLIIIIIIIIN' it, btw..

Oh, GREEEAAAAAAAATTTTTTT......

2009-07-23T20:01:00.003-04:00

HERE WE FUCKIN' GO AGAIN!!!

WHY DID I CALL YOU!?!? WHHHHHYYYYYY??? I BROUGHT IT ON MYSELF.

Let the fucking games begin.

I will eat you ALIVE, bitch. Like the PREDATOR I am.

Holy shit.

Is it REALLY that easy to lose YOUR attention, btw? This new anxiety is all your fault.

Actually, I know the answer to that like a mowfucka, so yeah.. It IS.

Go Ask Alice.

OMFG.

BARF. There's seriously an acidy spit forming in my mouth. I wish I could remove the black widow SOMEONE just caught on their ARM and make it kill you.

And then me. There's a few hours left on my bday DEADline, yanno..

Nah.. I'm actually quite stoked for tomorrow, even w/ no concrete plans. Like I said tho, Chichos on 29th makes the most sense. Or @ least saying it on here does, cuz I'm not gonna call most of you. Just go there. At some point. LOL.

There are obv people I know you could call.. Like Lauren... Fuck it, w/e just make sure them $10 gifts come pouring in, thanks.

And nooooooo, Jessika, I have NOT forgotten about your awesomeness, this is merely a courtesy call. I luhh you, boo!

Hm.. Is it supposed to rain tomorrow?? I really dgaf, it rained in the early am of my bday last year and Jess and I just played Jungle Golf right thru it. It was like 3-4 am, @ that.

K sooooooooo, um... I think that's it. Love you bitches, hope to see ya soon!

PS, the next blog I maaaaaaay post is pre-scripted, fyi. If I don't post it, disregard this message, ty lol.

Morgan, your music is TOTALLY distracting me...

2009-06-17T12:49:00.006-04:00

Like, seriously. I can't even type right now.. I need some headphones, wtf.. Ooooook, now that it's Vanessa Williams, I'm chillin..

"Sometimes the snoooow comes doooown in June....."

Anyway, hellooooooooo, niggerfaggots!! It's been a grip, right? Soooo much and so little has taken place in my life.. My sister had the baby Jun 6, and his name is Josiah. He waaaas... I think an oz under 6 lbs and 20 inches.. Long in the legs, just like the rest of us. The father is short, so that's pleasing.

The new generation of insane Williams children! Sorry for ya, kiddo.. Your mom is a ROYAL cunt. Saaaaaame goes for the Gma, haha... I can't wait til he's old enough for me to really tell him that. By then, I'm sure he'll have figured that part out.

Isn't he cuuuuuuuuute?? My Aunt Nene sent him that from Roanoke, along w/ a bunch of other shit. B/t the two of us, the boy is g'd up forever.. I just brought him 3 new pairs of shoes last night, on top of the 3 I gave her @ the shower.. Maaaaaaad clothes, too, omg.. I think I went overboard but I mean, it's my first nephew by blood so obv I'm gonna go all-out. And it's my baby sis, if she needs something and Iiiii can get it, obv I am. Like the cloth diapers for the burpy grossy stuff.. Apparently no one could find the ones I did, the ones that are thick?? W/e hos, I asked a CUSTOMER @ WM and they helped me find it, sooo. Maybe we just have a better Wally World??

Sooooooo yeah, the kid is hella cute and I dare you to say otherwise.. I'll delete you, right off buck @ that, haha.. Can't believe my sis pushed that cute fucker out. J/k, LA, you know I love you lol.. Weird how the youngest was the first to pop. But for real, I know it wasn't gonna be me or Lu so that obv left her. Lu is too selfish to have someone more important than him in his life, and I thought I was but maybe time has changed that. We shall see. Not ANYTIME soon, just prob not aaaaaaaaassssssss far into the future. Is that my 5-year plan??

Hey, even if it was, that works out b/c Larry and I talked about it one night walking.. If I got PG I'd just raise the kid in the house lol. Not PG by HIM, btw.. For anyone not sure of who I'm talking about. Just kill me now! I'd have a lil Webb just cuz they're so cute, but just for myself, not to raise w/ the father. Technically, I still would be, but not in the lovey way. Is that even possible?? Can you live w/ your sperm donor if he's not gay and have it neeeever become conflict?? Tawk amongst yaselves.

Whiiiiiiile you're doing that let me DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE OMFG I TOTALLY MET MY MAN-BRIDE THE DAY OF THE NKOTB SHOW OMFG DGHDSOFHGIDSHFJFIOJEFOIJEIOF;MIOMDIOESMDCIEJIOFJSMIOM _______________________________________________.

I FUCKING DID IT, FOLKS. And I said I would. I deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeef met Jesse McCartney, and DEEEEEEEEEEF fucking DIED, thanks. OMFG. I'm throwing up all over the keyboard, amazing how I can still get this story out in spite of that. LKLDJFKLSAMDLKASMKXLASMF. HE WAS SO FUCKING HOT, EW.

UGH. I spazzed when I saw him. Not TO him, duh. I'm too pro for that. B Diz, I know you feel me on THAT. HOW many awesome people have we met where we just Van Damme it until we get in the car. Liiiiiiike Faisst, etc. We got around the CORNER and shit bricks. So imagine when I saw JM standing in the hallway.. HOLY shit. I turned to every 14 yo near me and word vomited for like a full minute. I was like, "OMFG THERE HE IS. OMFG HE'S SO HOT OMFG I AM DEF GOING TO THROW THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOOOOOOOOOOMFG HIS OUTFIT, HE'S SOOOO FUCKING CUTE." lol... And MY smart ass.......

"Hi, I'm Jesse" (extends hand)
"Apparently.. (holds out poster of JM) That's what they tell me, anyway."

MEEEEEEANWHILE, I was fucking DYING to throw up all over him. I haven't even looked @ the pic yet. I want it to stay fresh in my mind the way I remember it.

AND DOOOOOOOON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE FACT THAT I WAS THISCLOSE TO A FUCKING WAHLBERG @ ONE POINT, ALONG W/ JOEY AND DANNY. SHUUUUUUUUUT THEEEEEEEE FUCK UP PLEASE THANKS OMFG NOW I AM REALLY DYING, DSOIHIGODSHGKDSJPFJLSDPF. BLOGGING IS THE BEST THING IN THE WURRRRRRRRRLD, THANKS. I NEEDED TO LET THAT OUT. The magical moments I speak of cannot be replaced, ever. A real-live Wahlberg.. Oh my... I don't mean like, front row barrier mad far status, I mean that nigga went RIGHT past me, prob like 5 feet away. I could've eaten him alive right then and there. I seriously can't even talk about that night or my blood pressure will hit the fucking roof. I screamed like I was in labor, I stg. ALLLL fucking night. I'm glad my sis had the baby the next day, and not on the 5th cuz I'da hated to msg her like, "Um, def @ New Kids, sooooooo........." :|

Anyway.. I don't even know what else to say.. There's so many funny stories, but I'm glad to have gotten those out. My soul needs blogging but Grace is working on a fix for that. Technically I could just bring my ass to VA every week like I'm supposed to, but things change. Shit happens. Don't you think I miss my weekly tea and crumpets w/ Ka?? HARDCORE. And biiiiiitch, there's SO much to talk to YOOOOUUU about. LET me tell YOU. I prooooobably will be here Thurs, jbc of that. We have our non-$2 Tues Thursdays where we just gossip for like 3 hours in the restaurant, and I NEEEEEED that, STAT. Like, wtf is faster than that?? That's when I need it. OTHER than today cuz I'm on a mission to get some shit done.

Deeeef about to go see Gracie, Foxiest Mama of all.. I left my birth cert w/ my other stuff in her garage like a jacky and everytime I go over there (which def isn't that often) I forget. NOT today, bitch. I need that mafaka..

Aaaaand she has a vaporizer she wants me to try out. Oh lawdy! ;)

Can't wait to molest that sweet ass.

Uhh, what was I juuuust thinking, stfu.... OH! I had a blizz-ast @ Brent's and then T-Ravs last night. LOL @ how many people just went "And you couldn't have CALLED ME!??!"

No, bitches, apparently not. Don't get mad, cuz I got in "late" and def spent like an hour @ my Mas when I went to drop of baby shit. Blame that on Mo, who refused to put Jojo down. Not that I was in a rush to leave. He's so fucking cute. Awesome. And we were waiting for Buttons to realize where he was. He was confused on his whereabouts, which only makes sense if you know Rob. Def kicked it maaaad hard yesterday. His girl was there, and so was SAAAARAAAAAAAH, who gave me YET ANOTHER awesomely painful guilt trip about my lack of appearances in Derby Run. And I told on myself so many times that she just laughed and said the worst part is IIII am fueling it all by telling her times I've been around, just not in the Run, or something else like that. She shot me so many evil looks, jeeeez. My fucking BAD, people! It's just... I dunno.

HOWEVER....... While I can appreciate all your concern, I'm learning a valuable life lesson I couldn't have recieved anywhere else, and that pleases me. Def learning to love things I never thought I would, or @ least never would have admitted to any of you and part of it I still won't. You already know how I am.. But there's a certain comfort in not being known all over. You are the magnificent maestro of your affairs and goings-on and w/e people know about you in the factual manner is solely based on your output.

Sooo, to anyone trying to use the Jaws of Life to extract me, don't let me cry wolf for too long, b/c I def LOVE it more than you know. Let's start w/ the fact that I could be a visable force in your lives almost everyday if I chose to. But the choice is to be where I am, so obv something there is keeping it that way. There are def gripes, but your perception of the situation is mostly incorrect, and I prefer that over you having a full-scale view into my life. Yes, he is a controlling asshole but that's never gotten in the way of our friendship before, why would it now?? LMFAO.

Esssssp after he jumped into my SOUL and snatched out one of my greatest desires and wishes in life, and randomly suggested it after a week of me mulling over it. STFU, really?? We'd already been having a lot of moments like that, but that was the seal of fate. I still cannot believe he said it. You may as well skip to the bottom if you're waiting for me to reveal what it was, cuz it's not happening.

The only thing that is happening right now is the conclusion of this blog. As usual, it's never the end of the story, but it IIISSS the end of the blog.

PS, I met Jesse McCartney. Just remember that.

PPS, I still loooooove this song/video... Rawrr!

Kibbles & bitches....

2009-03-31T12:17:00.001-04:00

I feel like my current living situation is allowing me to be a lot more lax about things than I should be. It's not like I'm not writing, but there are so many other aspects to it. I don't want to complain b/c it almost feels like there's no reason to be. Does that make sense?? I just.......... I dunno. Time management. My life's clock against the time-consuming lifestyle of everything and nothing.

It has nothing to do w/ anyone or anything but me, so it's just this internal ball of wtf.. Like, even the blogging.. This isn't the only place I'm known for writing, but that's another part of me that's w/e...

I feel like I go to sleep @ night on a bed of quicksand. Does THAT make sense?? Like another night of rest begats another day of troubled thoughts and feelings. There's something I should and COULD be doing, and I'm not. I bear the burden of knowing better, and an even heavier burden that rests on a particularly prickly part of my poor brain.

bnhi nim nacho (I just used Nacho's paw to type "Hi, I'm Nacho" lol)

What's not helping is the fact that ______________________________. ___________________________________. ___________________________________________________________________________. _____________________________________________.

Like, are you really tryna PRE me!?!?

*shakes head*

There's nothing I can currently do about that situation. A promise is a promise, and I can't afford to lie.

The dumbest part about it all is that I've been soooo happy for the past two months. I'm not sad now, fyi, I'm just saying.. It saddens me, but not to that extreme. I'm not moping, I'm living. I'm loving pretty much every day, which is abnormal to me. Last year, Jess and I had amazing days and nights and everyone wondered how it could be, so much bliss thru so much bullshit. It's pretty much the same thing, but w/ a dif cast of characters. You would THINK I'd be completely miserable, super-emo and upset.. But....

It's just the stuff up ^. I'm happy b/c it's something only I can fix, not caused by a waterfall of drama or anything. My life isn't drama-free, don't eeeeeever think that, but the drama is something easily dealt w/, - that paragraph of _____, lol. THAT is easily dealt w/, but I can't deal w/ it. LOL.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, HOUSTON, WE NO LONGER HAVE A PROBLEM. Lisa R. Williams (that would be me) is a complete and utter idiot, holy hot fries..

LMMMMMMMMMMMFAO... REALLY!?!? Some genius, eh?? I can-NOT believe I never thought of that...

Simple bitches never prosper. Use your goddamn head once in a while, m'kay?? I just did, and I feel fantastic now. God bless the flash drive.

Woooow, I know I'm not making ANY sense @ all, but work w/ me here. I am going to write my happy fat ass off when I get home. I suuuuuure as fuck am, cuz I can just save it all where I've BEEN saving it, durrrr.

Btw, totally losing weight still even tho I suuuuper slacked off for a good month and a half. Wasn't eating out or anything, just not doing nearly as much to combat the bulge as I was @ Gmas.. However, it's not that bad b/c I'm soooo much more active in my daily life w/o working out all the time, so I'm gonna have to get back on the ball and keep it poppin. A bitch has ELBOWS again. Do you know what that feels like? I know it SOUNDS crazy, but it's awesome. And I can see the veins in my hand. Aaaaaaand ..... Well, I'll just wait and let you see, no sense in talking about it. I need to take new pics! Not having my phone is kicking my ass, let me tell you!

Gracie pointed that out yesterday.. I'm so used to having like 143 new pics a week, sometimes a day.. I want to take vids and pics, but I don't want to use a reg camera for some reason. I think it's b/c I don't have a phone. Yeah, that must be it.. Why else?? It's dumb, lol. Esp since I could have better resolution w/ an actual camera, durrr Lisa..

Today is a good day for thought processing. I love you, blog. Something told me to just open this and let'er rip.

I've gotta go and help my Mama out, so I'm ghostface, but I fuckin' miss the dog piss out of a lot of you and just don't have a way to tell you, not the way I'd like to. Some of you that I miss, I really don't want to and it's for the best that I leave it that way. Isn't it? Is that not one of the reasons I have a lot less drama?? It must be. The timetable fits perfectly.

The funniest part about Dani's blog....

2009-02-26T21:33:00.000-05:00

isn't even the fact that she has zero room to be calling out someone else's lack of morality/true sense of friendship, (c'mon now, girl ya done been thru some shit lol)... No, def not it. It's how insanely true some of that shit was.. It's the same shit I said the last time I posted about the gossip/rumor shit.. I've been thru shit w/ Lauren since then, it just never made it's way to a blog.. Odd tho, cuz that was some real shit.....

But I digress!!! This isn't about us, this is about everyone being full of shit. This is exactly what Dani wrote, copy and pasted. Not the entire blog, just the part that really struck me as HILARIOUS;

"WHATS FUNNY TO ME iS THE PEOPLE THAT SEEM TO BE SO JUDGEiNG ARE THE PEOPLE WHO FUCK iN THEiR OWN LiFE AS WELL. YOU MiGHT NOT DO ALL THE THiNGS THAT i DO BUT COME ON LETS GET REAL! YOU PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKiNG iGNORANT. YOU WALK AROUND SAYiNG HOW YOU ALL HAVE THE BEST FRiENDS iN ONE ANOTHER BUT i SiT && LAUGH AT YOU. YOU TALK SO MUCH SHiT ABOUT ONE ANOTHER && THEN LEAVE COMMENTS ON EACH OTHERS PAGE SAYiNG " i LOVE YOU GiRL"! LMFAO!! YEAH WHAT YOU ARE iS FAKE. AT LEAST i CAN ADMiT WHAT i AM. YOU ALL HiDE && ACT LiKE YOU ARE SOMETHiNG THAT YOU AiN'T. i CAN'T EVEN COUNT HOW MANY TiMES iN THE PAST MONTHS HOW MANY TiMES i HEARD SHiT ABOUT EACH OF YOU && iTS COMMiNG FROM YOUR SO CALLED FRiENDS. i DON'T GiVE A FLYiNG RATS ASS WHAT YOU THiNK OF ME. YOU CAN ALL THiNK WHAT YOU WiLL OF ME. i AM WHO i AM! YOU GUYS THiNK B/C YOUR ON SOMEONES TOP FRiENDS OR YOU LiVE WiTH SOMEONE THEY ARE YOUR B/F && AREN'T TALKiNG SHiT. LOL GUESS WHAT THEY ARE BiTCHES! YOU CAN ALL FEEL FREE TO HATE ON ME && MY LiFE B/C iTS NOT MAKEiNG YOURS ANY BETTER!!! BUH BYE....."

TRUUUUUE MOTHERFUCKIN' STORY RIGHT THERE... Thank you!! Danielle, seriously........... Fucking THANK YOU!!! Everyone is pointing fingers, like it's just the cool thing to do.. We're all guilty so who even fucking cares anymore?? It only matters when you get caught, or think you're catching someone but the person who told you is probably the person who said it/initiated the convo in which the comment was made..

Good golly! THANK YOU!!! I'm not trying to be a dick to anyone, this isn't about my friendships, whether they be current or broken.. This is just a thank you note, someone else telling the fucking truth!! I don't know wtf is going on w/ her and Bryn, etc, I just read the blog the same way you did and def have noooooooo comment on the matter. It's just....

It's just FUCKING GRAND, is all. Suck my dick from the back, everyone!! Esp if you call yourself telling on people, that he said/she said bullshit. I don't even waste my time w/ sources, who believes anything anymore?? Half the shit people tell you someone said about them, they half believe it themselves or agree.. They just want you to know that w/o having to be the one to tell you. Ain't that some shit?? Worse than liquid courage, or talking shit when certain people are around...

I wish a bitch WOULD tell me to my face half the shit I hear about... Oh, god! I think I prefer it this way... Hearing about something gives you time to decide if you gaf or not.. If you don't, you just talk a little shit back to whoever told you and carry on w/ your day, not really sure if they're gonna turn around and do the same thing w/ said shit-talker, but not really caring either way.

At least, not if you're me... Some people go to great lengths to keep their salacious lies and bullshit w/i a closely cropped circle.. However, it rarely works out that way, and things end up the way Dani's friendships w/ the people she wrote about do, or some of my friendships as of late...

Another thing I love is when someone who is clearly guilty of talking the same amount of shit will go on the defensive like they've had your back since day 1, not really allowing the truth to come out. Like say if someone called them out during an argument w/ someone else, and they denied it w/ a bunch of shit-talking towards the conduit of truth about how they're full of shit and this, that, and the goddamn 3rd...
Everyone's so ballsy, ey...? That's how we're doin' it?? All of your balls could fit into my left sac comfortably w/ my own ball still in it. That's what I think of your mouths, your "bravery". Get off the phone, get off the computer, get in some grills, or go to fuckin' bed already, take a nap ya goddamn fetuses.. Do you not realize that this is child's play? All of it.

This isn't even my life right now.. I've got starry skies, high neighbors, the harbor and quiet happiness. I've got some shit goin' on still, don't think it's all pastels and pussy, it's just not all of that up there. It's not a finished book/screenplay either, so it's still not the outcome I want, but it's not the once-inevitable circle of utter bullshit.

I dig it.

This is the song/video I hear when I think about or encounter haters... My imaginary long Asian hair just whips in the wind as I shred on your fucking souls, lmmmmmfao.. Fuuuuuck you!

That bitch the other day shoulda hated on me, esp when I placed my entire aura of life b/t her and her man, and proceeded to make away like the thief that I am!

That's how ya do it, girls.. Right in their faces, so you don't have to hear all of that "You ______ behind my back!!" shit, hahaha... Here's my middle finger, right in the center of your stupid pupils.. Suck on it, just like it's my diiiiiiiiiick.........!!!

Muahaha!! And he called YOU a devil..........

I think I have a hernia....

2009-02-20T13:14:00.001-05:00

A paraesophageal hernia, to be exact. Wouldn't that suck?? How do you find that out w/o being raped by Dr. Money?? Jeeeeeeeeeeez.. As if I don't have enough problems..

My Gma's sister died. I think yesterday. My mom told me yesterday when I was @ Brent's, and she was on the phone w/ my Gma when I called. Either way..... Jeeeeez.. Even THAT is causing me more headache than it should. I don't even want to think about that vomit-inducing shit.. Are solutions permanent?? Like, do permanent solutions exist?? Not in my line of work.

So much shit on my mind, it's ridiculous... I am a firm believer in escapism, so I've found ways around most of it, lol. Btw, Shaaaaaaay omfg, everything had us so fuckin' weak last night, haha.. Tell Josh I said ty lol and OMFG I DEF JUST REMEMBERED THE FRUIT BY THE FOOT YOU GAVE ME, WOOHOOOOOOO..

Sanctuary!

I need it. I kinda have one, but sooooooomething tells me...........

Nothing lasts forever, nothing but regret and bullshit. Bad decisions last a lifetime, don't they? LOL.....

Morgan, where you be @?? I need to talk to yoooouuuuu, honeydear..

My world gets better & worse @ the same time, all the time.. WTF!! My mood is already set to 'busy'... Which I'm not, not physically. It's my BRAIN that's busy... I don't even have time to think, all thought time is taken up unvoluntarily, but that's just me..

I don't mean for this to sound like I'm just having a horrible time w/ people/life etc.. There's an incredible amount of stability compared to previous months, cuz like I said before, Ka is hell-bent making me more human.. Humane?? Hm, maybe not so much, as I am still a sadistic asshole, but I found a lil Charmin..

I've had a lot of fun recently, which is what I always say so that just goes to show.. I have fun all the damn time, more than the average ho, I suppose.. I know what I'm NOT doing, so it's ok.. It could all be worse, but let's not think about that! I'm striving for the opposite effects.

Hm, totally forgot what I was about to say next... It was probably just a heavy sigh laced w/ laughter.

Ha, I just came up w/ some sick shit but I most def deleted it.. You'll prob see or read it eventually...

Oh, and btw.. Guess who's not coming to dinner?? My book, apparently. I haven't written in a grip.. Not like scary status, just a grip to ME.. The current situation will prob bring about a lot of notebook writing, which is what I've been heavily avoiding ever since I stopped avoiding it. Does that make sense??

It's me, does it really HAVE to?? No, lol.

Neither does this awesome segue into the new RuPaul video, which reminds me SO much of the one for 'What What (In The Butt)'... Put that bass in your walk!! That's my shit, haha....

And here's WW ITB;

Ahhhhhh... Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

Insomnia is a bitch.

2009-02-03T03:05:00.003-05:00

I mean, seriously. If I weren't so afraid to Heath-out, I'd be taking sleeping pills. This has been an on-going thing since I was like 10 years old... That's 16 years of late-nite crap shows and an undying love affair w/ computers/cartoons lol..

And I want to be famous?? Then again, I function on little to no sleep as it is, usually only getting around 5-6 hours a night, and that's after dealing w/ all the bullshit I gotta deal w/.. Mad people I know complain about being tired all the time, but half of them do even less than I do during the daytime hours. Even w/ doing sit-ups etc, I have the energy.

This is why people smoke weed.. Has to be the only way to get a good night's rest these days...

I WANNA BE SEDATED.

But not really, cuz like I said before, the whole Heath thing is kinda :| soooo yeah. Plus, Brad said don't do drugs, haha..

OMFGAAAAAAAAAD.

And it's only going to get worse, watch.. Anything I plan on going after, career-wise, will leave me wide awake and drooling over random items on the internet.

Which, btw reminds me that I def wanted to post some things I'm currently coveting, I will soon tho. Whenever I get the chance. I always say that, but people don't understand how I am. I don't like going balls to the wall w/ people around me, I like a quiet riot. People who look over my shoulder, for any reason, should be shot in the face. I try to avoid doing that to people, unless they are obviously wanting you to look. I wish computers were only visible to the user. The screens @ least, that way I can clickity-clack in peace @ all times.

Don't you think?? That would be fantastic.

If I laugh, turn away. If I cry, turn away. If I cough, turn away.

This wasn't inspired by anything recently btw, it actually came from something I just saw on tv. It just reminded me of that, and thus began the rant haha.

PS, my belt looks like a crazy penis under my shirt. Why am I even still fully dressed?? Like I'm going somewhere AAAAAANYTIME soon. I mean, I have a lil trip tomorrow w/ a few places to stop and grab/drop shit off, but other than that...

Not tonight.........

I think I'm gonna go read. Everytime I get a few pages in, I pass out. Maaaaybe that's b/c.......

I dunno. Certain things just make you reeeeally tired.

This SOUNDS like some kind of insomniac rambling.... Someone said to me recently that I never go to sleep... Oh, JARED it was YO mafakin' ass.. Yeah, I prob will be up til 7, basically until my eeyeballs are dripping blood.

And then I'll get up @ 11 for The View.

*yawns*

K. Night.

PS, I really did yawn. Not that it matters, but yeah. And I feel another one comiiiiiii knew it.. Mm, yawns are scrumptious nummies to the soul.

Maybe that's why I suddenly can't stop? Is it a sign? Bedtime?? Ooh, wee!

PPS, I chose this video before I started the blog (sometimes, sometimes not) b/c thinking of staying awake made me think of Staying Alive, which btw I would love to do for as long as possible. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

*yawns for the 5th time*

Aaaaalrighty then.

I owe so many blogs.

2009-02-03T02:58:00.001-05:00

A ridiculous amount, in fact.

*sigh*

But more importantly....

2009-01-20T15:11:00.000-05:00

Like I stated in the last blog, I've lost 33 goddamn lbs recently, and that's all I'm really worried about right now, being healthy and getting shit done for myself.

Say what you want, cuz you obv don't know me anymore.

Oh, ohh ohhh my dear friends, I feel wonderful. I wish you could've seen my face last night after the weigh-in. Ridiculous!! I had tears in my eyes, no bullshit. Just like on Happy Boobie Day, I was a little verklempt!

I'm just really excited. I don't know what's gonna happen w/ all that's going on in the next few months, but I'm looking forward to most of it.

Like Brad said, fuck all y'all! I'm doin' ME! A change has come.. I'm gettin' my Obama on! :D

What I want to know is.........

2009-01-20T14:49:00.004-05:00

What were ya'll talking about that led to you telling them not to trust me/tell me things... Beyond the blogs, b/c obv something led to THAT part as well...

Talkin' shit, perhaps?? Maybe it was on the same day that I have been fully notified about, that I KNOW ya'll were talking shit on...

Was it that day??

When can we get to the day when I hear it first-hand?? Ya'll scared motherfuckers can't never say shit to me that matters, sooooo..

And YOU, c'mon.. I threw you a bone! I tossed a random comment into the bowl that gave you a DIRECT segue into what it is you apparantly can't be bothered to tell me. If something made ME so mad I couldn't hardly breathe when talking about it, I'd def say something. Thanks btw, homie, for your little chime-ins. I fully appreciate that. :|

Such fraudulent behaviour, oh my!

If I was REEEEEEALLY puttin' ya'lls business out there, wooooooooooo BOY!!

Let's just say I highly doubt the invitation of co-residency would've have been extended.

The best part about her telling me that was all of the convo leading up to it. Hello, Pot? It's Kettle. You're black!

I dgaf about that tho, that's just us/you/me whatever type shit. You'll actually air your grievances w/ me... HOWEVER ol' girl is CONSTANTLY having little flutters of truth reach me by way of someone else.. A few someone elses, including Mr. '09 who most deeeeeeeef gossips TEN TIMES more than I ever could, but everyone's suckin' his dick for Ls so it's cool, just run your mouth to him like it'll never reach my eardrums, mkay??

And that goes for everyone else you've spoken to that immediately let me know what's up..

EV-ER-Y-BODY TALKS. I KNOW WAAAAAY TOO MUCH ABOUT AAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL OF YOU.

So watch your fucking mouths, thanks.

That's the shit I'm talkin' about!!! If I really wanted to set it off, I would've been done it!! I'm not afraid, so get over yourselves!! LMMMFAO! I LOVE it! Like I told Brandi, I'm a writer who's work almost always derives from real life. Not only that, but your placement in my life has a lot to do w/ how I deal w/ situations having to do w/ you.

I WOULD say you could just blow it out your ass, buuuuuuut that seems to be the path of "righteousness" these days......

THOSE days, too, you just don't think I know.

Just as an FYI, this is an open letter to SEVERAL people, not just the usual suspect.

Because that would be, well, unjust.

Haha, such mean girls... You're Regina, and she's Cady (along w/ Sarah). Mr. '09 is Gretchen/Damien, and all the rest of'em are Karen. I guess that makes me Janis? Smile for the camera! Plastic-ass bullshit. No one even likes anyone anymore, but who else are you gonna get high w/??

I don't even want to BE in this mediocre bullshit town anymore. This is all we have to do, obviously, cuz it's the most recurrent and steady thing around. And because none of my real friends have been around, they are unaware of the great strides I have taken in becoming a more well-rounded human being. They just sit around and talk shit like they have a fucking clue/LIFE. I've lost 33 pounds recently, and that was w/o any of your help.

I'd been asking my friends for years to get involved w/ me, and everyone made the same empty promises even tho I was seriously asking for help. So ty MORGAN for following thru w/ it and sticking to your guns alongside me. I love watching them bend over backwards to help each other, but there is no trust, and no real faith. I could prove all of this and just lay the bullshit to rest, but I don't want to deplete your social lives.

The best part about you not wanting me HERE is I'm never HERE anyway.

But AGAIN, b/c no one else has Grande Cahoonas (ty Shay) like me, I'm the bad guy.

Well then call me Lisa Montana, motherfuckers, cuz it'll be a virtual bloodbath if I ever decide I'm REALLY tired of it all.

I keep making excuses on why I haven't, but I'm running out of time and patience w/ the matter. Comeuppance is upon you.

Iiiiiiin closing, when I say real friends, I meant the core staple of people that I'm known to associate w/, or was known to, I should say. No disrespect meant to anyone else. If you feel the burn, it's cuz you're standing in the flames.

The most relevant part starts @ 3:03.

"Those bitches."

See, the thing is.... [LRW ♥ JTL]

2009-01-17T16:01:00.000-05:00

I want to finish/post that blog, but I don't think it'll be enough.

For some reason, the hardest thing I've tried to do in recent times OTHER than become a stable person, is to convince you that YOU are a stable, fully functioning and wanted-on-this-earth human being.

I've heard so many people compliment you on so many things in the tenure of our friendship, and that is not enough. It's obvious to see that it's never gonna be enough. I mean, it's 2009 and you still don't know your self-worth?? How can that be?? That's RIDICULOUS... I go thru this w/ Morgan allll the time.

Not happy? Fake it 'til you make it, babycakes... Do you feel like shit today?? That's just more of a reason to do that stiff neck thing we talked about @ dinner last night lol. I hope you realize that you sound retarded *no Corky* when you down yourself. No one looking from the outside in is EVER going to be able to accept your flaws as fact. Like I said, on the SURFACE, you seem to be the most put together and stable person in the entiiiiiiiire group!!

Yes, life is SHIIIIITTYYYYYY, ESP humanity in itself. But even me w/ my never-ending story, I walk around like I JUST got done reading a text from Jesus telling me that I "fucking rock", so yoooooou should DEF be doing the same. People made you feel like shit?? Meeeee too. Poor growing up? MEEEEEEEEEE TOOOOOOOOO. Hello, Willoughby Navy brat here! We were ALL poor.

If someone doesn't like you, dude, they obviously don't know you. I watched you pour yourself and your bank account into a group of friends comprised mostly of devils in disguise, b/c it was the nice thing to do, and you wanted people to be happy and like you....

FOR WHAT???

Like..... Can we do stat comparisons?? Do I have to go on ESPN to make this make sense?? You def come out as the better person. As in more from the heart, not like a snooty cunt.

I need the power to brainwash. I think I possess it slightly, but not to the effect that I'm talking about. I would have you whipped into shape in NO time. Are any of your ex's doing better w/o you?? No?? K, well fuck'em. Esp the one we ran into @ the mall the other day, lmmmmmfao. How AWESOME was that....

BUT I DIGRESS.........

To be loved is WONDERFUL, but to love YOURSELF is eeeeven better, and I don't think you do. I mean, you do in the sense that you don't load yourself up w/ drugs & alcohol like the rest of the populus, but that's in a diff context. That's just life preservation. I'm sorry that whoever hurt you was able to have such a lasting effect, but damn woman... Holding on to shit like that is part of the reason why my family life is sooooooo strained, and I CANNOT let it go. It hasn't gotten me ANY further in my life, just literal chapters in the book of life.

You're much too young to feel this damn old, and to be feeling so sorry for yourself. No one wants to make you happy?? Do it your damn self! And don't say you do, b/c this wouldn't be in progress if you did. Yes, you do small things to please yourself, like buying your dope-ass rich lady bags, etc.. But those are just fillers.

The ball is in YOUR court. The world is waiting on YOU, so wtf!!! I CRIED talking to you yesterday, like are you serious? And yet you constantly question your importance in my life.. JUST STOP! Stop and staaaaaaaare if you have to, lol. Stare @ yourself long enough to see what we see. Stop waiting for a man to make you feel pretty. Self-pity is U-G-L-Y, and you damn sure ain't got NO alibi... Where were you on the night you realized you were beautiful, ma'am??

Oh, wait. Like some Y2k shit, to you it's a myth that has yet to be proven.

RETARD! LMMFAO. I mean that in the best way, I hope you know that. And I mean THAT in the best way, not the sarcastic shit I'm usually on. I know how you love to read waaaaaay too much into shit.

In the past what, almost a month now?? We have been together pretty much every damn day, and w/ each day that passes I just want to do more and more for myself. If we could just mesh for a day, that would be FAAANTASTIC. I told you, man... You def do inspire me. W/ every dinner date, and there's been PLEEEEEEEEENTY, w/ every random night sitting @ Brent's.. I'm just looking from the outside in and that is what I want, from what I can see. You've got so much going for you, so wtf. I wish I could say that. I WANT to say that.

I WILL say that, just not today, tomorrow, next week, or next year.. Hopefully that's wrong, but it's a 311 lyric so I just ran w/ it, haha. So is my current s/n on here, btw.

You're stronger than you think. I mean, you went thru all the things that are beating you over the head, and your motherfuckin' ass (which is looooovely, fyi) is still alive soooooo... What's gooooooood, dun-dun!?! Haha..

I thought you were rap's MVP?? Get your swag on, bitch!

You just gotta keep on tryyyyyyyin, til you reeeeaaaach the highest grooouuuuund...

Or just get high, fuck!

You = pure genius/complete lunatic, and that's why you're so rad.. You're truly, truly, TRULY outrageous.

GROW

2009-01-17T14:07:00.002-05:00

THE

FUCK

UP.

SERIOUSLY.

THAT IS A DIRECT ORDER.

OMFG.

VIRGINIA BEACH IS OFFICIALLY TOO MUCH FOR ME.

I'M ALABAMMY BOUND.

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

LMMMMMMMMMMMMMMFAO.

REALLY!??

I WILL PRAY FOR YOU.

CHUCKLE FUCKING CHUCKLE.

WAIT.

THEY DON'T LOVE YOU LIKE...........

NO ONE LOVES YOU?

MAPS.

DIRECTED TOWARDS REALITY.

STFU.

THANKS.

PREEEEEEEESH.

P.S.

I BET YOU KNOW THIS BLOG IS ABOUT YOU.

DON'T YOU?

DON'T YOOOOOOOUUUUUUU.

The deadly path of Brad Renfro

2009-01-15T14:52:00.002-05:00

[From last year. Very informative tho. I think I have it bookmarked still....]

Brad Renfro had insisted over the phone that he was clean. That's what the teen actor, hot from his performances as a troubled youth with sad eyes in such films as "The Client" and "Sleepers," told director Larry Clark. Clark, one of America's foremost chroniclers of teenage desperation, had just cast Renfro as the lead in "Bully," his true-life tale of a bunch of pot-smoking Florida teenagers who murder the local bully.

But then Clark met his 18-year-old star.

The director, who'd once battled heroin addiction himself, stopped by Renfro's Knoxville, Tenn., home on the way to the film's Florida location. It was the summer of 2000, and Renfro emerged from the house that he shared with his grandmother with blood streaming down his arms. He was bloated and looked 35. And so continued a painful, downward spiral — one of the most excruciating Hollywood has seen of late.

"I said, 'What the (hell) are you doing?' " recalls Clark. "He'd been banging coke. He has tracks running down both arms. He looks horrible. I just saw the whole movie going down the drain." (Financing was contingent on Renfro's participation.)

Clark spent the next three days with Renfro. They talked. The young actor cried often, and continued to shoot up cocaine. Clark hatched a plan to get him clean for production.

"I kidnapped him," says the director. The pair jumped in the car one day, on the director's pretense of going somewhere, and Clark just "gunned it" for Florida. "He kicked in the car. He had a seizure. There's nothing you can do. It doesn't last that long."

In Florida, the production hired a trainer and a minder for Renfro. Clark took Renfro to 12-step meetings. Still, in the evenings, Renfro would manage to finagle alcohol.

Clark adds, "I've been around a lot of addicts and alcoholics, and I remember thinking at the time, this is one of the worst cases I've ever seen."

Brad Renfro died Jan. 15, 2008. He was 25.

A week later, 28-year-old Heath Ledger was found dead in his New York apartment. He died of a lethal cocktail of prescription drugs — among them medications that go by the brand names OxyContin, Vicodin, Valium, Xanax, Restoril and Unisom.

The cycle of destructiveness seems to have accelerated. It was shocking in 1993 when River Phoenix overdosed from heroin and cocaine at age 23, shocking because of his youth. Now we live in a time when The Associated Press is prewriting Britney Spears' obituary. Has Hollywood become an incubator of abuse or a mirror of society? Or are we all just more aware of its troubled denizens because of the hyper 24/7 coverage?

The element of surprise

The blogosphere was buzzing Monday with discussion of why Renfro was left out of the Academy Awards tribute to Hollywood figures who died in the past year.

Renfro's death saddened those who knew him, but did not surprise them. Many in Hollywood had tried to help him, but his addiction torpedoed relationships and his career. There were small obits, much smaller than his last high-profile appearance in the media, a photograph of Renfro in handcuffs on the front of the Los Angeles Times, arrested during a 2005 raid of Skid Row for trying to buy heroin.

In contrast, Ledger's passing provoked an outpouring of public grief about talent cut short before its full blossoming. The fiercely talented Ledger certainly did not seem like a man in self-destruction's grip. Yet after his death, tabloids ran stories of the Oscar nominee's supposed double life. Unnamed sources talked about his use of cocaine, heroin and other drugs, which were said to have contributed to the dissolution of his relationship with girlfriend Michelle Williams and subsequent despair.

Still, unlike Renfro, Ledger had spent the last year of his life working frantically, hurling himself into a multicontinent shoot as the crazed Joker in "The Dark Knight," and then plunging into Terry Gilliam's "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus."

All through January, Ledger worked despite having a bad cold that turned into pneumonia. He told The New York Times in November, "Last week, I probably slept an average of two hours a night. I couldn't stop thinking. My body was exhausted and my mind was still going."

Abuse "underreported"?

In his professional drive, Ledger was different from the members of young Hollywood who usually end up in the tabloids and the police blotters. Paparazzi have been bolstering their bottom lines with an endless array of women in distress — pretty 20-somethings such as Lindsay Lohan and Spears. Who knows whether women are actually suffering more than men? It's just that the tabloid-fashion-restaurant industries depend on pretty girls to sell magazines, clothes and trendy clubs.

"Drug abuse is so much more underreported than anyone realizes," says one former studio chief, who declined to be named, adding, "I think they (actors) all take a lot of drugs."

Just in recent days, which included Spears' midnight motorcade to the hospital, starlet Eva Mendes checked into rehab. The hit list of young actors with one-time substance-abuse problems includes Balthazar Getty, Ben Affleck and Juliette Lewis.

"I just think what we see in young Hollywood is reflective in what we see happening in young America — the pandemic of drug addiction," says Dr. Drew Pinsky, who appears in VH1's "Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew." "Where we're losing ground is pharmaceuticals."

According to a 2006 survey by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, while illegal drug use remains steady, pharmaceutical drug abuse is going up among young adults. Pinsky reels off some popular culprits: Valium, Ambien, Vicodin, OxyContin, Ritalin.

Relying on insurance

It's notoriously hard to control an addicted celebrity, and sometimes the only reliable checks seem to be the insurance companies and the police. The insurance companies can refuse to insure substance abusers. A representative for Fireman's Fund Insurance, which covers most studio films, says about 10 percent of productions have actors with these issues.

Once an actor has a brush with the law, it can become much harder to get insured. In the recently published "Conversations With Woody Allen," the director bemoans how he'd wanted to cast Robert Downey Jr. and Winona Ryder in "Melinda and Melinda" but couldn't get them covered. Downey had spent a stint in jail on drug charges; when authorities busted Ryder for shoplifting in 2001, they found eight different painkillers in her purse. "We were heartbroken because I had worked with Winona before and thought she was perfect for this."

Yet one lawyer who deals frequently with insurance issues points out that all kinds of deals can be made for a superstar, like daily drug testing or furnishing a sober companion, but "as someone's star begins to fall, there's a lot less will to justify the hoops."

Casting "problem child"

Brad Renfro's whole career started, improbably enough, because as an 11-year-old fifth-grader he'd been difficult in a Drug Abuse Resistance Education class taught by a retired policeman. "He was absolutely your problem child," says Dennis Bowman. "The very first day, I kicked him out of class." Bowman grew to like Renfro, but "he was still a piece of work as far as being out of control."

By many accounts, he came from a troubled background. His dad, a factory worker, and his mom split up when he was a toddler, and his mom deposited him on the Knoxville inner-city steps of his paternal grandmother. Says Bowman, "The grandmother was trying her best to raise a kid who was taking advantage of the situation and creating a lot of stress on her."

At the time, the late casting director Mali Finn was conducting a search for a kid to star in "The Client," the movie version of the John Grisham legal thriller about a Southern trailer-park kid who winds up embroiled in a Mafia hit. "We wanted that kid in the principal's office. That endearing, mischievous boy that may be lying to you, may not be telling you the truth, but you're still charmed by him," says casting director Emily Schweber, Finn's associate at the time. When one of Finn's letters describing their search arrived at the Knoxville Police Department, Bowman immediately thought of Renfro.

After auditioning him in her hotel room, Finn called Schweber and said, "I found him." Renfro and his grandmother later flew to California to screen-test. They'd never been on a plane or stayed in a hotel. "He was really fun, really charming, a little bit wild and amazing in the scenes. Where he learned how to do this, I don't know. Some kids really enjoy role-playing and acting," says Schweber. "He had a lot of energy, but sometimes he did have dark moods."

Both Finn and Joel Schumacher later called J.J. Harris, who now manages such stars as Charlize Theron, to check out their child lead. Harris flew to the North Carolina set to watch Renfro work and was charmed. "You just wanted to take care of this boy. He was a gorgeous little boy. Rough-and-tumble. Very self-aware," she says. "He'd say things like, 'Nobody can put up with me 'cause I'm too hot to handle.' " Adds Harris, "He was just obviously screaming for someone to establish some kind of boundaries for him, something that never happened in his life."

When Bowman finally saw "The Client," he thought Renfro "wasn't acting. Brad played himself. He had these street smarts and the swagger of a 19- or 20-year-old. If you met somebody like that now, your first reaction would be, 'What a punk.' But you scrape away all these layers, you think this is a 12-year-old trying to act tough."

Signs of trouble, talent

Even then there were signs of addiction issues. Renfro could be sneaky. As one who knew him well noted, any bottles of booze would invariably disappear when Renfro was around. Still, he managed to launch his career, flying from Knoxville to Los Angeles, often by himself, for auditions. The assistants at his agency, United Talent Agency, would drive him to meetings with casting directors, and the rest of the time he'd mostly cruise the agency halls and flirt with all the women. "This wasn't a bad kid — this was a really emotionally abandoned person," says Harris.

His vulnerability combined with a tough persona entranced Hollywood. He was cast as a compassionate roughneck who befriends a kid suffering from AIDS in "The Cure," and as Huck Finn in "Tom and Huck." "He was exactly what you would expect — a brooding, intense, rebellious fellow," says "Tom and Huck" producer Larry Mark. "He got a kick out of not going the straight and narrow."

In "Sleepers," Barry Levinson's drama about four neighborhood kids who are abused by sadistic guards in juvenile prison, he played the younger version of Brad Pitt's character. Knowing of his wildness, Levinson mandated that Renfro be accompanied by a minder 24 hours a day. Levinson later told a reporter, "He was fraught with demons and needed help."

In "Apt Pupil," Renfro's last major studio movie, he played a compassionless A-student entranced by a former Nazi commandant — played by Ian McKellen — living incognito in the suburbs. "I knew he'd been wrestling for years with different problems," says director Bryan Singer. "But on workdays, he was always focused and into it. Quite professional." And good, particularly in his mad tango with the British pro McKellen. "You could see moment by moment them learning from each other and a lot of mutual respect."

"You would kind of forgive him"

But off-screen, there could be a manic energy and a radiating neediness. "You could tell he didn't have any sort of adult guidance. People couldn't help themselves but become unofficial guardians of him. There were a lot of people on the crew — everyone from costumers to electricians — always trying to support him," says producer Don Murphy.

In 1998, the year "Apt Pupil" was released, Renfro was busted for cocaine and marijuana, and began what became a long odyssey through the legal system, with a half-dozen arrests.

Although Clark had a minder staying with Renfro during the "Bully" production in the summer of 2000, the actor climbed out a second-story window and stole down to a nearby marina. According to Clark, Renfro "met some coke dealer and got (messed) up." He hot-wired a yacht and gunned it — except he forgot to untie the boat. Renfro was arrested and charged with grand theft. He ultimately pleaded out and was sentenced to a fine and two years' probation.

"Bully" had to shut down for a day, and when the young actor got out of jail, he had to go straight to shooting a scene in which he emerges from the ocean and impresses a raft of girls with his youthful charisma. "He's all dehydrated and feels terrible," recalls Clark. "But he could just do stuff like that, and he was young. He was a very natural actor. He didn't study his lines. I doubt he read the whole script, but when you turned on the camera, he was magic.

"He was so good, you would kind of forgive him for being a (screw)-up." He pauses. "For a minute."

Escalating trouble

Yet, after causing a delay on "Bully," it became hard for Renfro to get insurance, says Harris, and hence harder for him to land parts. "It got to a place where I ran out of options," says the agent, who'd seen him through two stints at rehab and numerous futile conversations about staying clean. "He'd either get really angry, laugh it off or change the subject," she says, remembering how Renfro used to come into her office, lie on the couch and complain about what seemed like alcohol poisoning. " 'I'm nauseous. I can't see straight. I feel like my heart is palpitating,' and then he'd usually fall asleep."

To those in Hollywood, he inevitably seemed worse when he returned from his home in Knoxville. Or when he wasn't working, and there wasn't a Hollywood-designated minder watching over him.

"He wasn't good at that going-home bit, going back to his life" after the social activity of a movie set, adds Guy Ferland. As an associate producer on "The Client," Ferland would help keep Renfro healthily occupied in off hours, and he also directed him in "Telling Lies in America." "I'm not sure Brad really liked being alone. There was always some party, whatever he needed to do to keep the energy going."

Renfro quit J.J. Harris around 2001 and never spoke to her again, although he continued to work on smaller films, little-seen, sometimes low-rent indies such as "Deuces Wild" and "The Job."

Renfro died from an accidental overdose of heroin, Los Angeles County coroner's officials said. A Los Angeles roommate found him dead in his bed. Two days earlier, he'd had an obscene tattoo applied to his chest.

Btw, the tattoo was 'Fuck All Ya'll'... Very DGAF, dontcha think??

Hate the fact that he had a Myspace, btw. Haaaaaate.

I currently hate everything about him.

This is where I tip the scales

2009-01-15T14:39:00.003-05:00

of sanity.

Again, another video featuring Brad Renfro. I wonder how many years I'll do this.. I aaaaaaaalways posted on his bday, same w/ 311 day.. Old habits die hard. I mean, c'mon.. I was subscribed online to his local Knoxville newspaper, just b/c...

Grr.. I dredged up some good articles, pics etc for today.. Just distributing them @ random.. Prob only have one more blog in me before I want to shoot myself in the face.

Dennis Bowman, the former D.A.R.E. officer who discovered Brad, told the Knoxville News Sentinel (the one I was sub'd to, lol),

“With all the other problems he had, I can’t say I was dumbfounded (at his death). I told everybody in 1993, `This will either be the best thing or the worst thing for Brad. Time will tell.’ I guess it told today.”

Whiiiiiiiiich is exactly what I said about wishing he'd never become famous in the first place, etc. Minus the fact that I would've had to obsess over someone else. Silverchair broke in the US noooot too long after that whole thing started so I would've had Daniel Johns either way, haha.

He could've lived forever and a day, what the fuck! And they always say that it's worse for someone who's kicked a drug like heroin to do it again even once after they're clean b/c it's suuuuch a shock to the system. His body just couldn't handle that shit no more, so it kicked FOR him. Unfortunately it was more like when you go to the bathroom and someone grabs the controller while you're gone and says you can't play anymore.

Shitty!

But hey, such is life.

And death.

[Looooove this video, btw. Brad and Pharrell, oh my! See? HE HAD A VIRGINIAN CONNECTION. IT WAS MEANT TO BE, HE JUST FUCKED IT ALL UP!]

Love thy neighbor??

2009-01-15T13:51:00.002-05:00

[Yeeeesssssss]

Brad was my neighbor. SadIy I realize I was in his last movie as well.

Brad Renfro died days before Heath Ledger from an apparent heroin overdose.

It’s ironic that even in death his achievements would not even be seen “for the wrong reasons”.

He was a neighbor for a year or two prior to his heroin arrest. I occasionally spoke with him a little becuase we both had family in Knoxville, TN. He was a neighbor also at the time of his heroin arrest and he told me the day after the arrest was plastered all over the front page of the Los Angeles paper and he became the number one story on Google News that “You can do a lifetime of work and not get noticed but if you do something wrong you get all this coverage.” I remember he also told me he hoped it wouldn't hurt his career becuase acting was what he knew and loved. He was serious about his work.

Ironically less than what - a year?- later he overdosed on heroine and was found dead and made the pages of papers all over the country with comparisons being made to James Dean …until Heath Ledger died days later and Brad’s story was completely lost to history. Could there be greater irony than even in death when Hollywood usually cements your place in history that Brad missed that recognition becuase of another's subsequent death?

Weirdly it all just hit home again for me becuase just now I realize that I had a brief appearance in his last movie "The Informers" http://pro.imdb.com/name/nm1222064/ as a mourner after a boy in the movie dies too young apparently ( I don't know the plot details becuase I worked the movie for one day and all I know was it was a memorial service reception scene with a distraught family who apparently lost a boy.)

The only people in my scene were Billy Bob Thornton and Kim Basinger so I didn't even realize Brad was in it until looking at the IMDB credits just now.

Brad was good kid who seemed to have honest fun in a town with a surprising lack of normal activities and he never seemed to have malicious or mean intent. He was often riding ultramini motorcycles around the block or working and practicing with his Led Zeppelin cover band. He was excited that his band got a play date on Melrose in a Club called "The Spot" at one point and invited me to go but I was working on a tv show late I think.

He was always polite and considerate and respectful and a good neighbor and would be extremely apologetic if he made too much noise which is frankly unusual in Hollywood. He had also told me after recently coming back from Japan he was happy to learn he had a child and was happy with how the girl was handling it. He seemed pleased and happy about it all and thought it would be a good thing.

While to many he appeared reckless I guess becuase of his past reputation, I gave him a lot of credit for making his own way in Hollywood - especially after he told me how young he was - I was shocked to learn he was so young. To a neighbor he just seemed like a young guy having fun who would have a few beers with his friends - nothing unusual - nothing bad. He also had a local girlfriend who seemed with her family to be trying to help him stay on the right path and he spoke highly of her and she often visited.

The day after his arrest I spoke to him, and I believe it was then that he had once told me he was born addicted to heroin. While I don't know the details of his situation with drugs other than his arrest (and nothing was evident from being his neighbor), he told me after his arrest he would probably be doing some time in prison and that he hoped he would be making a clean break from it. Someone else moved into his old apartment after that and I hadn't thought about him for some time and began to be curious if he had been released from his sentence and what he was up to just about the time I read he had passed away. It was a shock.

I think he was a good soul. Ironically I hadn't seen much of his film work except his first movie but began Tivoing his films after he moved out and I began to be on more and more sets myself. He was very gifted.

I really think if Heath Ledger had not died so quickly after Brad's passing or if Brad had been in the movie Brokeback Mountain which got so much attention in Hollywood that year that we would be recognizing Brad's talent in a much bigger way. I believe he had been up for the role of young Brad Pitt in the Assassination of Jesse James and had told me he might get it becuase he had once played Brad Pitt in someway in an earlier role. Sadly he didn't get the part but he got several others.

From what I read in the paper he died in his sleep and no one in the new apartment with him the night he died even thought he had a problem becuase they could hear him sleeping soundly.

I just felt such a sadness. I really feel he was a young guy with a good heart who was struggling to make his way in a town with few guidelines or clear directions for living. It's always a shock to learn someone you know was so close to an edge, or perhaps more accurately it is a shock to learn that the edge is so near for all of us but we don't know it and it's so easy to slip over it.

I am especially sad for the local girl who I know had tried to be a positive part of his life - I hope she knows she was a positive influence, and for his child in Japan who now won't have a chance to know his father.

It is truly tragic, and I believe it was beyond Brad's ability to control his situation with heroin. If only heroin gave you a warning before it killed you rather than easing you into a warm blanket of nothingness - he would probably still be here.

[Yes, another video w/ him in it. DEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAL the way I cannot.]

Could you pass the salt??

2009-01-15T13:45:00.001-05:00

Iiiiiiiii just threw the fuck up ALLL over the place.

I'm listening to an interview w/ one of Brad's cousins where he's talking about him and how Hollywood ate him up, etc. I def def DEF DEF DEEEEEEF don't need to hear it, but I feel compelled! Ugh!

To listen to the excerpts, click here. The ones to listen to are Jesse talks about PROUD OF YOU, aaaand obv the one that says Brad Renfro on it, lol.

Most of you should remember this song, def still comes on the radio. The lead singer is Brad's cousin, and the song/video are about him. He's in it, which makes it that much worse to watch now. I haven't seen it in the last year (on purpose), what a day to pick @ scabs! :|

He's so beeeeeeeauuuuuutiful, aw man. Or was, waaaaaaas. WAS so beautiful, at least to me.

GOOD GRIEF!

"I never thought you'd be a junkie... [!!!!]

2009-01-15T12:13:00.004-05:00

because heroin is so passe...."

One year down, a lifetime of VOMITING PROFUSELY @ THE MERE MENTION OF HIM TO GO. :|

I don't even know what I want to say. I've pretty much said all that I can say about the situation. So many random things lately have revolved around Brad, but I've ignored the majority of it.

This is some 'ol bullshit!

This time last year, you were alive and "well", prob not even awake if you think about the time zones..

ljshglsdhgl;dshlghds;gldshg

I seriously don't know wtf I wanted to say.......... I thought about this a lot, pretty much every day since Jan 16 last year. What I was gonna write today....

And now I don't know! I blogged about it so much, everyone knows already. Yes, the obsession is still there, however since Jan started it's been a lot easier to look @ pics etc, or watch movies. I think watching 'Tom and Huck' @ Reva's like 2 weeks ago is what changed it. How random is that?? But as soon as they showed him, I felt this warmth and it was like..... Ok... It's cool. I got this. Ever since then, it's been normal. Obv still mournful but not in the same way. It's more of a peaceful thought.

Dooooooon't get it twisted tho, I could watch 'The Client' today and immediately want to hang myself in Stevo's bathroom. Who knows? Should I even tempt fate?? Nah. I have so many things in my life to get straight, I can't be bothered w/ thoughts like that, esp when I know I don't want to die.

It just would've been nice for him to live, that's all............

My favourite thing about that picture (aside from the EXTREME hotness) is the fact that I'm known for the Bundy. I'm surprised there aren't like 435834756 pics of me w/ my hand down my pants, cuz I def sit like that aaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllll the time. ALL. Prob my fave thing to do, sit w/ my hand(s) down my pants, haha. Sounds AWESOME, I know. But still, aw. Sniff, sniff..

WHYYYYYYYYYY WHY WHY, EVERYTHING I WROTE ABOVE IS DENIAL WRAPPED IN BACON, TASTES SOOOOOOO GOOD, YET SOOOO UNHEALTHY. I can't BELIEVE it's not butter.

:|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

Fyi, I was OBSESSED w/ this when it first came out. I was like, 14?? Something like that. Either way, the first time I heard about Brad being arrested on drug charges (yayo, btw), this is what I downloaded on Napster.

Daaaaamn, homie.

RIP Brad Barron Renfro July 25 1982 - Jan 15 2008.

Times like this, I miss the old me...

2009-01-05T17:02:00.005-05:00

Just posting that 311 song/lyric.... ANYTHING having to do w/ 311 reminds me of a better person w/ the same identity as me, down to the last morsel. Only thing that seps this from that is the mind state. Everything was an option, everything HAD an option. Drinking and drugs WEREN'T options.

I wish I had the mental capacity for all of the shit then that I do now. I knew too much to be doing w/e then, it's a whole new ballgame now. I had every advantage but I was so afraid to walk out of the damn door most times.

I feel like I traded parts of myself for something else that I'm not even sure I want fully. I mean, I DO, but not everything that comes w/ it and there's def no way to make that work out. I've done the research, trust me.

Whoooooooo knows, Iiiiiiiiiiiiii dooooooooon't.

Just feel like rambling after that last one, which I wrote mad earlier today. However I def wanted to say it. Don't think in your head that I'm about to launch an assault against my friends or anything.. I'm not gonna do a damn thing.

You are! :)

Well isn't that cute.....

2009-01-04T12:45:00.003-05:00

I don't know why the two of you are doing this, cuz it looks like a horrible idea from the outside.

My main ? to kick this off is this;

How can two people have brunch to discuss someone that clearly neither of them are over??

For whatever reason, both of you get some sort of delight from the fact that he still writes/IMs you, and that's not just my observation.

Yeah, let's be over something and still have it be a main topic of discussion.

You're not slick, not even a litle bit.

She was wrong, call it square and be done w/ it. But don't build a friendship on fragile bullshit like you're def in the process of doing.

How can you get together and discuss someone that oooobviously neither of you really knew, or you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place??

Riddle me that, cuz I'm hella confused.

It reminded me a lot of when YOU and Rebecca would sit and chat about you-know-who last winter.. We all heard it, all the one-ups and short jabs ya'll threw out there, cute little mentions of this and that, just to never be outdone.

That's not a reason to talk to someone, just so ya know.

And I wish either of ya'll WOULD sit here and tell me he won't be brought up. His movements are clocked like the ball drop, I'm not retarded.

Love you both, buuuuuut... I don't trust it, all I'm saying, and it's all I'm GONNA say...

Well, that and the inevitable "I told you so"..

If you two only knew how you sounded when his name is brought into the discussion. Or you, that night in the car waiting.. Pipe dreams! All of it!!

Maybe in the new year I just need more female friends that realize their own self-worth, that aren't stuck on some dude's nuts even tho they were left "devastated" by said person's actions, etc etc.

No one is allowed to mention Stevo, Clutch, Jason, Larry, or any of the other usual suspects in a negative way to me in 2009 if the person scorned is to blame for the actions that took place.

Which means EVERYONE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OVER IT ALREADY. IT HAPPENED B/C OF YOU. NOT THEM, BUT YOU. PAST THE INITIAL POINT WHERE YOU LEARNED THE TRUE NATURE OF THIS PERSON, THE REST BECAME YOUR FAULT. I DOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOT GIVE A FUCK AT AAAAALLLLLLL IF THEY HURT YOU B/C YOU KEPT LETTING IT HAPPEN.

*panting*

OMFG!

Same shit, new year. Well, I REFUSE.

As a PS, I def didn't write this to piss either of you off. It's more so that IIIII don't get pissed off. You know this already, how I don't handle my friends dealing w/ bs guys all that well. I get to hear the endless bitching even tho all I can think in my head is "I FUCKING SAID THAT FROM THE BEGINNING, THANKS, SO STFU".

If you're worth anything, just let it go. Please?

Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone.

"There's no way to avoid listening....

2008-12-31T16:40:00.007-05:00

You'll always end up listening.. Here's hoping the voices aren't too unkind, here's hoping the voices are benign.. It's easier when you hear it, there's no reason to fear it, it's yoooouuu, yooooouuuuuuu.."

What's awesome about this blog is that I saved it on the 31st.. Just typed the lyrics real quick before I left the house, and that was it. I wrote more on here, but I'll save it for another time.

I was on my way to a topic or topicS that've made their way into the record books now. And like I said in another recent blog, you've got two choices w/ me... Hear it or read it. If I told you before, don't ask me to stay quiet.

There ya'll go, tellin' me to express/be myself and then as soooooon as I do, BAM! BAD GUY! Weeeeeeelllllllll I'm quite entertained by all of this. A, why are we acting like no one knows all this shit anyway. Everyone let their business out long before it hit my blog, and I DARE someone to say that haven't gone on about this in one way or another to people. Like Brandi said, OBV everyone knew wtf I was talking about, sooooo...

THIS is what happens when we can't keep ourselves sep from everyone else.. I found out mad shit TODAY about friends of mine that're fuckin... DIDN'T even know they knew each other. Nor did I know about the last person they were fuckin, and I can tie that person to the person I was talking about..

Mhm... That's ok, cuz I got the cure for ALL of that shit. I'm gonna bring VA to it's fucking KNEES and it'll stay there forever. Iiiii got the moooooootherfuckin' cure, trust me when I say. Did you read those lyrics?? It's easier when you hear it, there's no reason to fear it... IT is the truth, and you won't have a choice here soon. I'm not talking about just our friends, I am going to drop the bomb on V-I-R-G-I-N-I-A, period. Can't make up your mind? DON'T! I've made it for you!

And voila, so shall it be done.

I am not playing around, either. I'm already in the silent process of making the moves I said I was going to a few months ago. I want out of it all, and if I have to set you on FIRE to do so, then so be it. Want me to be me? I beez a bitch that'll let you fuckin' know, whether you want me to or NOT cuz that's how life SHOULD be.

That's how it WILL be. Safety is not an option, if it was meant to be your turn to burn, it will be.

Oh, the glee! It's N-O-T-H-I-N-G you're thinking I'm saying/doing, so don't start sweating. It's more to help than to hurt!

But isn't that ALWAYS my intention?? :)

"Large In The Margin"

Check it check it check it out
got clout and you know that

Large in the margin
my drama unfolds behind closed doors
told on the down-low
i believe that I'm so but really, i don't know
maybe it's better, but I can't think so
maybe its better to fight, one never ever knows
believe the rumors that grow like tumors
more fun than the truth that we know

Trying
too hard to reach a higher plane

We'll fuck you up
when you least expect it
you think you're moving closer
when suddenly you wrecked it
but all the same, the pain gains wisdom
as if you ain't had enough then you're in some
prison of your own creation
mental dilation
look at what your facin' placin'
blame in every direction (what?)
but in the end it's your own infection, (di?)

There's no way to avoid listening
you'll always end up listening
here's hoping the voices aren't too unkind
here's hoping the voices are benign
it's easier when you hear it
there's no reason to fear it
it's you
it's you

You think they'll probably find you
well then you're probably right
cause they'll come back to remind you, for eternity
of when you gave up the fight, yeah
somehow they always will find you
the voices in the night, and every night
keep comin' back to remind you, for eternity
of when you gave up the fight

There's no way to avoid listening
you'll always end up listening
here's hoping the voices aren't too unkind
here's hoping the voices are benign
it's easier when you hear it
there's no reason to fear it
it's you
it's you

WHY WHY WHY WHY!?!?!

2008-12-31T15:41:00.003-05:00

IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR, GODDAMMIT!!!

UGH!

GRRRRRRR!

LMFAO.

Oh my GOD, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy... I opened my mail when I got on here, starting w/ one from Morgan which had a link to a memorium on MSN that featured Brad Renfro. I'm stoked that it's there, but of course it makes me :( soooo... I'm not right now tho, so don't worry, this won't take long..

I also stumbled upon a Turner Classic Movies tribute that features him around the 1:38 mark. It's so fucking stupid for him to be gone. I can't make it make sense no matter what, and I wouldn't be that worried about it if it weren't for the fact that I'm still :|||||||||||||| over Kurt Cobain dying and that was when I was 12 damn years old.. SO long ago, and yet there's still so much regret. It's the never knowing part. I was jammin' to Silverchair this morning and I was thinking that if Daniel Johns died, I would HAVE to kill Lauren for ruining my opportunity to meet him on my bday in '07.

What iffffffffff... I'm not even talking love & marriage, I just want to know what great convos etc could've come from it.. That's the way I feel about Brad. I mean, obv love and marriage are a part of it, lol, buuuuuut.. Just meeting him PERIOD and being able to say that, to say I encountered the lurrrrrve of my life @ least ONCE.

The man I marry has some heavy shoes to fill, ones never worn @ that. Sucks to be him.

It's like being obsesed w/ Marilyn Monroe, or Princess Diana.. Elvis. What feeds it is the fact that you def will never get to experience that person's life in full flesh, to watch their faces as they talk to you.. I'm such a whore for awesome experiences like that, I mean look @ how many people I've already met in my life that I am stoked about?? I was such a autograph whore back in the deezy, holy shit.. I just like making that connection, to feel the humanity of a person for myself.

In '09 I want to make the Daniel Johns thing a reality, no matter what the eff I gotta do. I can't go thru this again, fuck aaaaaaaallllllllll that nonsense. THAT would certainly be the nail in my coffin. It's not like I wouldn't love to meet Ben & Chris along w/ Daniel, but there is no Silverchair w/o Daniel Johns, plus he is the voice to the thoughts so obv that makes him more important to me. It's the weary soul that my heart cannot let go of. Notice how most of my obsessions are in some kind of way troubled.. I don't like normal people, I'm too insane for that.

Aaaaaaaaaand IMO he's one of the most beautiful people on the planet, so that helps.

Soooooooo yeah, like I said I won't drag this one out.. There are other things I want to write about, even if they don't get posted today.

Woohoo, got myself a din-din date...

2008-12-29T11:58:00.004-05:00

Lucious (loo-shus, not lush-is) and I are finally going out to eat for his birthday, which was the 23rd. I cannot believe my little brother is 21 years old now! It's insane! I'm so ... I don't even know. It doesn't make me feel old, just happy. Esp when we were writing back and forth about it and he sounded stoked, even said something like "chill wit the big sis!!" which I thought was cool b/c he has never said anything like that to me..

Like, if someone asks who he's talking to, he'll say his big sister or w/e, but that's a dif context altogether. Just stating that I am his older sister in response. He called me his big sis tho, haha. I never call him my lil bro, so he would prob feel the same way if I did. That's my nigga tho, either way. Selfish bastard that he is, he's still my one and only brother, same way Lauren is my one and only sister.

Lu and I are closer tho, as far as being able to chill together. When Lauren and I attempt it, it's pretty much a 50/50 chance we're going to end the night wishing death upon the other one. She's too much like my dad, thinking she knows wtf I'm talking about etc but doesn't, and I'm too much like my mom where I just know I'm right and I'm gonna laugh incredilously if you attempt to correct me.

Fyi, so many of you are wrong SO much of the time, but I don't mind as much anymore, haha.

Anyway, like I said I def can't wait to sit and chat w/ my bro.. I have a few things I wanted to ask him about, so hopefully I'll be able to remember them when I'm sitting there. We're going to Outback @ Hilltop around 4 if you just happen to be oot and aboot and would like to pop in. It's not some intimate family meal or anything, just good times. I used to take him and my sister out to eat all the time when I could afford it. Def ate @ Kelly's like every other day. It was the closest thing to our house, along w/ IHOP and Ruby Tuesday. Now there's mad shit over by Pembroke! Bullshit, man.. It's bullshit. I could go to those places today buuut I want the pumpernickel, fuck the games.. I already said I'd go to the ICU for it..

Oops, yanno what?? I kiiiinda have to take back them being my one and only siblings, considering the fact that I met my real dad for the first time this year and he def showed me pics of my new sibs. However we have yet to establish any sort of anything, so.... Fuck them, lol. N/m, I'm not taking back shit. As it stands, Lucious and Lauren are the only siblings I know, so w/e...

The only thing on my mind right now is whether or not I can substitute fries for broc or taters.. We used to get pretty much the same thing @ every restaurant, burgers, fries, and a drink.. THIS TIME, we're getting burgers, fries, and a beer. I can't wait!! I neeeeeeeeeeeeveeeerrrrrrrrrrrr order burgers in restaurants anymore, so I hope it doesn't fuck my stomach up. I finally got my brain to accept the memos about how A. my body doesn't handle beef all that well, and B. it really racks up the lbs, not something I want to be eating all the time.

But! For the sake of tradition, I will "suffer" thru a juicy bacon cheeseburger w/ no tomatoes, onions, or pickles (and def done) for my widdle brudder Lucci..

Mm.. My mouth is waaaaaaatering @ the thought... Stfu, omg.. I WANT TO EAT NOOOOOW, thanks, and not a MOMENT later. Why can't they open @ noon, holy shit..

The bread is calling me, but since my phone is off/washed.......... :|

PS, YOU HAVEN'T GOT THE SLIIIIIIIGHTEST CLUE HOW MANY TIMES A DAY MY MIND WANDERS TO THE THOUGHT OF MY POOR, SQUEAKY CLEAN CELLPHONE. I WANT ANOTHER ONE SOOOO BAD. I am def buying one of the ones I saw on eBay, cuz I'll still have T-Mobile whenever my phone is back on again so I'll def be needing one. I don't even want a newer, fancier jank either. I turned down plenty of new phones, INCLUDING the iPhone, when I had it. It does exactly what I want it to do, and that's enough for me.

K, I'm done ranting and making myself incredibly hungry, so....

Cheeeeeeeeezus CHRIST....

2008-12-28T11:48:00.002-05:00

I'm sooo over getting and/or being sick.. I was watching this thing about viruses and how they actually hit you the day before you feel sick, and I was like, hm... I wonder if I'm sick.. Not even 48 hours later, I MOST DEF WAS..

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG. I puked from like, 5pm to 2am the other day.. Yummy!! The worst part about that was waking up @ 6am to realize that my vomiting had evolved to diaharea cha-cha-cha.. Thank god that didn't last nearly as long, lmfao.. Triiiife.. I was just spewing from all directions for like a day.. It was horrible!!

I don't get it!!

I was perfecly fine when I got out of Sarup's car, but as sooooooon as I walked into Gmas, my body temp dropped and I just felt like shit.. I laid down on the couch for a while, Jess came back w/ John and Shane to smoke a blunt, and after all that passed I just knew I was dying.. Back on the couch dying, that's where I could be found.. I'm chillin.. Went to potty and let it fly from all angles, after that it was all she wrote..

Btw, how descriptive is this gd blog?? Why do you subscribe, you ask?? LOL..

DO YOU SUBSCRIBE, I ASK!?!? Motherfuckers!

Anyway after that I never left the couch. I brought the trashcan from the hall bathroom w/ me cuz I'd already spewed righteously inside of it.. It def took a few more hits before MEOW MEOW graciously changed out my puke bag for me.. It reeked sooo bad, omfg I def woulda left her out back.. Sorry, not handling bio bags!! Yuck!!

I felt so miserable tho, so I really do appreciate that shit. The acrid smell of vomit def wasn't helping my stomach settle AT ALL. Xoxo for Meow Meow, I love you Lindsay!!

PAUSE FOR THE CAUSE; David Carr is soooooo hot to me for some reason. I remember sweating him in his first season as a Texan.. Megan, getcha boy.. Should he want to be a starter, let him swing our way.. Good gracious! But then there's times when I'm like, eh.. I think it's his nose, plus he has minor gayface..

Anyway, I got better around 2 am.. Stevo tried all night to get me to take this cup of yellow goop that looked "FANTASTIC" to my stomach.. Def waited until the seas had calmed already before I tempted it. He said it made him puke, wtf would I take meds to throw up for?? Nigga, is this Ipecac?? It was straight trife, but w/e..

I must've thrown up pretty intensely cuz my body feels like I've been working out for like 3 days straight.. I'm weak as a biiiiitch on the inside.. Walking is like the biggest hassle ever. Must've been one of those 24-hr bugs or something, I dunno. But it's almost 2 full days later and I'm ready for it to be over. My body hurts sooo annoyingly bad. All the pain is @ a dull roar right now. Hiccups make my neck and throat hurt, coughing makes my gut hurt.. It's all downhill from here. And now my brain feels weird. Can that happen?? It's felt weird most of this year tho, so if I die of an aneurysm then you know I knew ahead of time, even tho its gonna suck..

OMFG, I DON'T WANT TO BE SICK A SINGLE FUCKING DAY IN 2009. PLEASE GOD, HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL.

I haven't eaten anything other than stupid snack shit since before my ralph-a-thon so I don't even know how my body will handle a real meal. It's about to find out @ Outback tho, soo uhh.. If I'm goin' out, it's gonna be w/ a bang.. I WILL suffer for a medium well steak w/ broc & cheese/loaded mashed taters.. Nigga, please..

I might take the ICU if I'm guaranteed a return to good health, haha..

Just pass the pumpernickel...

So, THIS is Christmas??

2008-12-25T23:06:00.003-05:00

Hm. I'm fine w/ that.

I made peace w/ my Christmas when I got back last night, so everything is w/e now! I had a HORRIFIC encouter w/ my Ma right after midnight that began w/ me wrapping her sandwich like a gift and then ended w/ me hurling it @ the wall, still wrapped. Along w/ her fucking drink that "I don't even drink, why would you get me that?"...

BIIIIIIIITCH.

Lauren (ha...) will tell you, she saw it happen. I was sooo hurt when she started getting pissy w/ me. Like, really, after all that has gone down this month, YOU have to be the one to put the nail in the coffin LITERALLY as the clock strikes midnight and it's actually Christmas. Leave it to my mother, haha.. I fuckin' love her, but she is OFF. I just want her to be happy, and I don't think she believes me. Oh, well. If I accomplish my goals, she'll see.

Soooooo anyway, def had a good Christmas.. Dino came over in the morning to keep me company cuz he knew I was gonna be alone. He also went w/ me last night to Angel's to wrap presents for the boys and Kiki.. That's my lil dude, man. I wish someone would fuck w/ him!! Thanks for everything, my pint-sized ninja warrior friend haha. Such an oddball.

But yeah, that happens and then Sarup(!) comes to get me so we can spend time together. That's actually where I am now! We hung out for a few hours and then Jessika came thru w/ the ice cream I spoke of earlier. Fuckin' sweeeeeet.

Aaaaaaand then Morgan came to take me to her sister's for din-din (awk-wurrrrrrd lmmmfao NO CLAWS, BITCHES, THAT'S MY JOB!) which really set the ease w/i me.. I feel like I got so much love today, and I've only seen like 6 people. I don't wanna say only b/c there are people a lot lonelier than I was, but yanno that's just a comparitive thing from last year. Is that a word?? Am IIII asking that?? I know it is tho, it feels right so what-ever, lol.

I would like to thank Mariah (Mo's sis) for whipping up such a lovely feast, I def grubbed my assssss off. I even ate her stuffing, which was RIDDLED w/ onions. I picked'em out, obv. She's such a chill person to be around. Correct me if I'm wrong, Mo, cuz you'd know.. But I felt very @ ease over there, and I think that helped a lot w/ my current state of mind. Maybe it was Patrick Swayze?? Morgan and I def watched Dirty Dancing ONDEMAND earlier. I swear, we talked thru the whole thing. Like, still paying attention and listening tho cuz it was mostly about how hardcore we woulda banged Swayze bitd.. I fucking LOVE that movie and it will never get old. Not exactly your traditional Christmas movie, but we're not typical bitches, sooo.. We can flip the script a lil bit and get our swoon on.. It's been decided that we were supposed to be born in like, '74 or something so we could experience the '80s as teens. Def made the argument about how all these "80s babies" are full of shit for the most part..

You see all these things reposted about '80s babies from people born in like, '87-'88 and that DEF does not count. We were born in '82 so we have way more claim to that!! We didn't get those cool toys later on as hand-me-downs, they were our Christmas and birthday presents!! We saw the classics in the theater!! And we def don't need some new trendy movie to stir the Brat Pack in us, it never leaves. I'm emo as fuck on the sneak and all you whiny motherfuckers def have that generation to thank for the misery wonderlands you thrive in.

Whatchu know about ALPHIE, son?? NOTHING, that's what!! Haha..

Anyway Christmas is almost over, only have 15 mins left as it stands.. I would love to say I hope you all got what you wished for, but the selfish lil bitch inside of me really dgaf, sooo... Haha, j/k just glad we're all here to talk about how great/shitty our holiday was. That's what matters @ the end of the day.

My Christmas is ending on a great note b/c I have two cool motherfuckers right behind me and everyone is in a good mood, just chillin.. Jammin' to the new Luda and playing 360, nothing special but it's just us.. All we need!! Sarup has finally slathered her pancakes w/ loooove loooooove loooooove and that's def something I wanted for Xmas!!

Ugh, I feel so blessed and I don't know where all of this is coming from. I'll take it tho. I feel enlightened somehow, but I'll get on that some other time. I just wanna spend time w/ my loved ones. I hope you can say you did the same.

If not, there's always next year..

We hope.

Jessika just came in my mouth.

2008-12-25T14:03:00.002-05:00

No, seriously.

She made me homemade chocolate ice cream w/ the choc/white choc swirl chips for Christmas!! Aw, shit son.. Choc chip ice cream is my faaaaavourite, so I'm absolutely stoked right now. First off, it tastes kinda like a Frostee from Wendy's. Maybe not even that, it just has that consistency so it's smooooooove like a mowfucka, so soothing and comforting. PERFECT movie watching ice cream. Soft surrrrrrved, bitch.

Ugh. I daaaare a bitch to go into the freezer and touch my shit. DURRRREEE you, ho. Be prepared to leave a finger behind! On second thought, it's almost worth it so just don't touch my shit, m'kay??

Woohoo!! I love gifts that go straight to your ass. They mean the most, haha.

"For those of you who don't know...

2008-12-25T13:14:00.003-05:00

a retraction is when a newspaper takes something back. This newspaper would like to retract certain statements in a certain notebook which may have hurt certain people's feelings.”

This is where it gets tricky.. On one hand, I'd like to retract the shit that I said that might hurt people, hoooowever they can't contract what they did, so.. I dunno. I'm a very passionate person (insiiiiide) and when I have to get some shit out, you're either gonna listen and comply, or that's it. Everyone wants me to stop holding my feelings in until the feelings are about them, and then they don't wanna hear it.

Weeeeeeeell, you've only got two options w/ me. You can either hear it, or hear ABOUT it. Once I tell you, that's it. You'll def hear wtf I got to say, one way or another. I think it cheapens the friendship if you can't say wtf you got to say.. Don't make me hold my feelings in b/c you're not ready. I love all of my friends, and that's why I feel like I should be able to say what I want, lol. If a nigga wants to let me know about myself, feeeeeeel free. I'm not gonna sit quietly, no, but you can get your piece just like I do.

I don't want anyone feeling like I hate them or I'm mad @ them. I'm already over alla that shit, cuz in the long run you obv can't impact me but so much. I had a lot of time to think BY MYSELF last night @ Gmas.. It's the dumbest thing ever to think that ya'll influence my life like that. Why??

None of you are in the place I want to be, NOR do you know how to get there. So really, you can't help me @ all. Soooooo... I'm not saying you're all irrelevant or some shit like that, I'm just sayin. I know what I have/need to do, more than ever now. I don't know what I thought I wanted or needed from you, but I was sorely mistaken.

It's all good tho, I love you dumb bitches like you're not.

See, now WTF!?!? [!!!!!!!!!!]

2008-12-24T17:40:00.004-05:00

Sooooooo, we all know that I'm going to be alone for the holidays, barring a few instances. Right? Agreed. And that this has been THE worst holiday for me... Right?? Agreed.

Then please explain to me how Morgan managed to drive half an hour from Hampton to see me for 2 hours, but Brandi, Lauren, Ryan etc who live on THIS SIDE of the water just came in for TEN MINUTES and left!! AND Megan the other day, who also kicked it for a few hours..

First off, wtf... Lauren called ME today to confirm that she was coming over to bake cookies after work, so when she's @ the door I'm not surprised. She comes in, sits down and starts chatting w/ me while I'm making mac and cornbread for Stevo and I (lonely bitches!) which is word, cool whatever..

Then she gets up, goes to the door and comes back w/ Brandi & Ry Guy, Angel, Jay (raaandom) & the boys... So in my head I'm like, "FUCKIN' SWEEEEEEET" but I don't want to react b/c like I said the other day, until plans stick and shit starts poppin' off, I'm not gonna get my hopes up too much.

We're all talking and I'm telling Brandi about the pic I just sent her on Myspace w/ this hooootttt ass hairdo I want her to try.. Yadda yadda...

THEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNN everyone starts saying their GOODBYES.

WHAT.

THE.

FUUUUUUUUUCK was the point of that?? SUPPOSEDLY we're getting together tonight, however I'm not retarded, FUCK having faith in these bitches @ this point. So instantly I'm damn-near hysterical. Lauren's asking me which cookies she can take and I'm trying not to look her in the face cuz I know the waterfalls are mothafuckin' on THEEEEEEEEE way. She leaves and I just fucking crumble. It was horrible, dude. I'm bawling my eyes out b/c my friends apparently feel sorry for me, but not enough to make it count.

I DON'T WANT YOUR SYMPATHY MOTHERFUCKERS I JUST WANTED TO NOT BE ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY READY TO HANG MYSELF NEXT TO THE MISTLETOE, BUT THANKS FOR THE CAMEO, REALLY APPRECIATED IT!!!

Cuz THAT'S what I wanted, to see all the people I HAVEN'T seen who've BLOWN ME OFF all Xmas season for TEN GODDAMN MINUTES.

FUCK that. I called Angel hysterically crying, and then Lauren who had some response I couldn't even hear over my own tears so I just said "GOODBYE" and hung up..

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!!

AGAIN, BITCH, YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU MADE THE FUCKING PLAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had an opportunity to get the FUCK outta VA TWO WEEKS AGO but I didn't want to b/c I don't want to miss Lauren's 21st birthday Jan 28....

BUUUUUUT she's PERFECTLY fine leaving me high and dry every weekend, w/ every plan, etc.

Fuck your birthday, dude. If I get the chance again, I'm out. Ya'll made me out to be the bad guy when you were dating Jeremy and I wasn't "there for you like a best friend should be"... THAT WAS JUST SOME YOUNG-ASS DUDE YOU DON'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE AS AN EX, THIS IS MY LIFE, MY HEART, AND MY FEELINGS.

FUCK, man.

HOW MANY WAYS DO I HAVE TO SAY IT???

I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT - dooooo fucking NOT like sharing my true feelings w/ A-N-Y-O-N-E, and I laid it aalllllll out there for the WORLD to see repeatedly and everyone BUT the ones who I was specifically addressing came to the rescue.

How the fuck does that make YOU look?? You pieces of shit! I mean it!! How the hell could you do that to me??

And you? Oh LORD! Your BROTHER, your prick-ass, pain-in-the-ass, SELFISH SONUVABITCH BROTHER had to console me. WHAAAAAAAT!?!? In what alternate universe does that take place!?!??!

I want nothing more than to lay down and die but b/c I know full well that I'm stronger than that, here I am. But you?? Nahhh, son.

That is NOT cool.

At all.

I'm not even mad @ any of them, it's just one in a long list of reasons why I know I have GOT to get the fuck outta here. Even Sarup stood me up the other night!! SARUP!! Ol Faithful, Queen Reliable!! THAT was heartbreaking as well, but it's such a rare occasion, and I haven't spoken to her about it so I won't speak on it anymore. But everyone else I'm mad @ has been spoken to personally (if I haven't, this isn't about you) and knows full well what is going on here.

Whatever, man. The camel not only has a broken back, but there's also a Samurai sword in there, right in the middle of a MEAN yellow streak.

I love you guys, but NOTHING you've been thru this year compares to what I've been thru. None of you needed the cheering up like I did.

Like I DO.

Me, Lu, & Blog...

2008-12-23T11:51:00.002-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LUCIOUS!!!

Woohoo!! Today is my bro's 21st birthday! I can't believe he's 21... OMFG.. I feel so ooooooooooooold, ew.. Oh well..

Either way, way to make it 21 whole years in this world, Lu.. You're a complete and total fuckup/lazy bastard, but you're my brother and I love you.

I wonder if he's gonna drink tonight?? He's WASTED after 2 Joosed. He doesn't drink @ all, so yanno how THAT goes.. I'm about to try and track him down here in a second.. I should call the precinct, easiest way to get ahold of him! Ya'll know this dude stays in and out of jail for the pettiest shit.. Maaad traffic court, etc..

Anyway, here's a video w/ my brother on it. He shot it, which is why it's sideways. He went to dump an assload of water on a friend of ours in their sleep, and they woke up right as he did it. He took off w/ my phone, and as soon as he got outside a DOG started chasing him, lmmmfao.. Only reason he kept running, Jason's fat ass neeeeever woulda caught him..

Aww, he's just like me...

2008-12-23T10:57:00.003-05:00

[Bullz-Eye interview w/ Chris Joannou from Silverchair]

BE: Y’know, when you guys played Lollapalooza, my editor said that you took home both the silver and the gold medals for Best Quotes of the Weekend.

CJ: What was that for, then?

BE: The runner-up was, “The band wanted me to tell you that we’re not gay,” because I guess you were sporting the porn-star mustaches.

CJ: (chuckles) Yep.

BE: But the winner was, “I had a dream that I vomited dolphins.”

CJ: (laughs) Yep. That’s Daniel.

BE: Does he usually have words of wisdom like that for most every show?

CJ: Oh, yeah. I think it keeps things entertaining not only for himself and us but also for the people in the crowd. Lollapalooza was probably one of the funnest shows of that last run, actually.

*soft sigh*

SWOOOOOOOOOOOOON. Iiiiiii would've known this to be true anyway had Lauren not RUINED my bday in '07 w/ her laziness, lol. Or Brandi and her damn sickness. Hm, pattern of heartbreakers maybe?? You're not my friends anymore!!

In other news, Tomorrow is gonna be in one of the new Guitar Hero: World Tour bundles.. I would loooooooove to play that w/ Smitty, matter of fact I'ma tell him that maybe next Thurs.. I say Thurs cuz he only comes thru on Thurs, other than that he's w/ the childborn, bein' a good ninja daddy! And this Thurs is obv his baby's first Xmas, so next week will do. Or I'll just tell Sarah to tell him haha..

Uhh, oh yeah.. The OTHER blog.. Guess I could go finish it, hm?? And call my FOXY MOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAA.. OOH, AAANNNDDD......

Sorry, guys...

2008-12-22T13:31:00.003-05:00

I have a QUITE juicy blog to share w/ you all, but it's not finished and I'm too busy jammin' to Hanson and reading Niners stats haha.. Oh, and msg'n Lauren, who is suppoooooooooooooosed to bake cookies tonight. Just like we were SUPPOSED to go the Botanical Gardens last night, but somehow we have drifted into that "no real activities" zone.

Funny how people make time for everyone else on the weekends, but the niggas they BEEN chillin' w/ just don't cut it anymore??

THAT'S why YOU don't feel like it's Xmas, traitor. It's ok tho, I got somebody to do the damn thing w/ me..

Her ma is supposed to be there tonight also.. B/t the two of them, I am basically going to be alone lol. I don't see how me telling you frooooom my mouth and from the heart that I am waaaay :| this season and could really use a friendly pick up that translates to "Oh yeah? Well ______ wants to do _________ soooo I'm gonna bail, ttyl." She's the one that made all the goddamn plans around Thanksgiving, and we have YET to fufill any of them. I have on my own, but it was supposed to be a group thing. She's not the only one blowing me off this year, but it's funnier to put it all on her. *shrugs*

BRANDI is one of them, I hope you puked your gut out bitch haha..

Thank you MEGAN WHO LIVES ALL THE WAY IN HAMPTON BUT HAS SOMEHOW MADE CHRISTMAS SEEM A LITTLE MORE REAL THIS YEAR....

Jesus CHRIST. Fuck all ya'll, man lol. On some real, I hope your pets die on Christmas morning, under the fucking tree. If you don't have a pet, I hope it's you.

Peace the fuck out. Going to build our tree. WITHOUT YOU HOS.

Hm..

2008-12-20T11:07:00.003-05:00

Know what I REALLY want to do?

No, but you will soon.

Anyway, I've been trippin' all morning, b/c Maudi's sis Alana added me on Facebook, and her pics are even more insane to look @.. I was like, wtffff dude def remember her and her bro running around the yard in their underoos, and now Armando has a mustache!? I mean, he IS PR and I-talian, but still. So weird! And he looks JUUUST like their dad, aw. She still looks like Ma, whooo still looks like herself but w/ mad long hair. I made some comment about crazing her homemade pizza/iced tea for the last ten years, which I totally have. Best everrr, and the pizza was healthier than the store janks..

I remember when we had that huge grad party in their backyard and she made maaaad pizzas. ALSO remember Maudi's bday when she made her 3 cakes, one of which had orange and black food coloring b/c it was the Hanson logo, haha..

Awww.. What were the others.... I think a ying/yang (our shiiiit) and a colorful ass peace sign or some shit like that.. Hm.. I want to say I'm right..

What I also loved was their huge box of Kool-Aid in the storage shed which I would eventually fig out it could be purchased easily @ Sam's lol. I currently have 436547547 Ice Blue Raspberry Lemonade packets, thanks to Brandi's useless shopping indulgences that she can't seem to break free from.

In my storage shed, in my awesome little cardboard container thing (you'd have to see it) I def had the Gargoyles napkins from a bday party in '97.. I kept stupid little shit like that. I still do, actually and you would def be weak if you rifled thru any of my random grab bags I keep racking up. None of it's important, but I'd flip dick if it ever got thrown away. Not true 100% on the importance part, but A LOT of it is just stupid little shit I can't bear to part w/. You know how THAT goes.

Augh!

She has old pics of me/us. Hoooow bad do you want to see them?? I know III dooooooooo!!

I think I'm gonna write her about that here soon. I have GOT to see this shit. My hair was prob nuts, me and my poof ball.

*sheds single tear for the memories*

I think what makes me even happier is the fact that it's another person, like Tori etc, that KNOWS me knows me, like... The meeeeeeeeeee me, kid me that had all the same aspirations/stupid factoids and crushed haaaaaaaardcore on her brother whooooo btw is def in her sister's pics.. Ask me how much I threw up?? I left a comment w/ a pic on Tori's page, omfgaaaaaaaaad.. The STORIES.. B/t us both, haha aww sweet youth..

"Let's play... Suck & Blow!"

GOD, that was our shiiiiiiiiitttttt.. Buuuugaaaalatuuuuuuu! That's what we swooore David Bowie was saying, but of course I researched it and found the correct lyric later on in life. I still have that Y! s/n bugalatu, and I know the p/w.. Iiii wonder if she heard about my man's untimely and UNFORTUNATE passing.

:|

Lauren, this damn sure coulda been you.

2008-12-19T14:07:00.003-05:00

As white as your mom is, let ya'll switch places in the 80s, haha. I would DIE if I eeeever saw you like this, omfg. I'm crying. That shit would be HILARIOUS.

Next Halloween, it's on like DONKEY KONG.

Fine, I'll just do it myself!

2008-12-19T10:30:00.004-05:00

Last night I decided to clean the kitchen, which brought back Christmas haaaaardcore when I decided immediately that it would be waaaaay better w/ Hanson - Snowed In lifting me via my eardrums.. As soon as Merry Christmas Baby started, it was a wrap.. I'm in the kitchen gettin' down like a long-lost member of the Temptations, on some 'ol SHOOOOOOOOOO DOOOOOOOOOOOP/Steve Harvey TOKOC type shit..

I dgaf, that, Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree, Silent Night Medley, and Little Saint Nick are some of the best Xmas songs ever, by anyone. I say it all the time when people ask, aaaaaand when they don't. Snowed In cannot be fucked w/. I'd rather listen to that than Home For The Holidays from 'N Sync, or pretty much any other group. There are compilations that fuck w/ it, but no ONE artist has released a cd that puts me in a better yuletide mood..

Everytime I hear it it's automatically 1997, day of the Billboard Music Awards, and I'm cleaning the kitchen jamming to my new Hanson Christmas album. I hope that feeling lasts forever. It's been exactly ten years since then, and I still feel like I could just scream/faint, iiiiiiiif no one was looking/listening. I mean, I DIIIIE trust me.. But not the way I do when I'm alone, haha. Certain songs, like the ones I mentioned, there is no hiding it. I'm just fuckin' jammin and that's that. J Squared (Stevo's Jessica) came into the kitchen and was watching me loose my shit, which btw felt very awkward.

Whiiiiiiich leads me to my next point. Fuck the Jonas Bros, seriously. I don't know what these kids are thinking (their fans), but them boys can't sing like THAT. They've got good voices, but their harmonies are no where near Hanson! So :p damn all that. Once they've all peaked, man FUCK THAT, cuz even then, Taylor has THAT VOICE, the one that I looooooove. The kind that gets me everytime, BUT not many people have the full, whooooooole exact kind of voice, or in the way that it reminds me of him, or vice versa when it comes to Daniel Johns cuz I think they could sing each other's songs easily.

*snobby upturned nose*

Whatever. Hanson 4 life.

Merry Christmas, bitches! ♥

I know, not an Xmas song, but I just love hearing them sing together, aw.

"You KNOW it cooouuuld be so much beeeeeeetter thaaaaaaaan it's been..."

Do they know it's Christmastime @ all...??

2008-12-18T12:41:00.003-05:00

No, I don't think they do.

I don't know if it was the election or the economy, but SOMETHING has obviously come in and SWOOOOOOSHED the entire Christmas season away from us. I'm trying everything in my power to make it feel real! I've downloaded Christmas movies, INCLUDING Peanuts ones, listened to many, MANY songs, helped friends decorate their houses....

NOTHING IS WORKING. WTF!?!? Where the HELL is Christmas, and when does that bitch plan on coming back?? I think all of Virginia has just said a big FAAAAAAAAAACK OFF this year. I refuuuuuse to believe it's the economy tho, cuz everyone IIII know is poor ANYWAY, we're used to it. We never have money this time of year, so what gives?? Are we using it as an excuse to not care, or show it @ least??

I partially blame it on the lack of festivities @ Gmas. For those of you who don't know, we party HARD @ Lauren's gmas (she lives out of town, lol) or @ least we used to. LAST YEAR around this time, everyone was here every weekend doing something uber-festive. This year, THANKS TO LAUREN I haven't even baked cookies from scratch yet. She's going to counter my claim and blame it on her mother, but that just makes her MORE LIKE HER MOTHER haha. She is going to choke me after she reads this.

But still! How dare that bitch take COOKIES away from me?? She don't want me to just bake'em w/ any ol' ho, cuz I will (not)! The clock is DEF ticking tho, son!! As we're IM'ing about doing our Xmas light rounds thru Norfolk/VB. Ha! Get on board, bitch!

I WANT COOKIES! More importantly, I WANT CHRISTMAS. It's not about the gifts, mafaka. It's just the season/feeling in general that I love/MISS, thanks. Where is it, people?? I know I'm not the only one. Is it the weather? Virginia is sooo up and down every winter w/ it's temps, but this year has been reeaaally warm. I want it to be freeeeeeeezing cold, deathly w/ some slushy snow mix. That's the good stuff right there. I drink hot cocoa every day that it's cold out, trying my hardest to make it happen. There have been certain moments riding around town that've felt like the real thing, but they don't last once the new day dawns, and it's 75 degrees out. THAT isn't even it tho, cuz I'm a whore for Xmas lights and I haven't seen anything remotely close to the amounts of past Xmas ride-arounds. Just b/c it snuck up on you doesn't mean you can't decorate!! Lazy bastards, what the hell are you doing!? Put down the pipe and pick up a tangled-ass ball of lights!!

GIVE ME CHRISTMAS OR GIVE ME DEATH!

Oh I just can't WAIT to be Kween...

2008-12-17T11:23:00.002-05:00

Seriously, I'm over it. My phone is off AGAIN, even tho there was money paid this week. I don't know how, but I don't even care, lol. I handle these types of situations well. I had a dream that my phone was fucked up, soo.. Where does THAT rank!!?

But if you put all the shit I've been thru this year on paper, omg.. I just want out! Out of this life, out of this CITY, just out. I don't even know to which extent I mean that, but I know I do @ least a little bit. W/ every new "WTF", I just proclaim that it happens, cuz it does. All I've been saying to my friends lately is "It happens".. Nothing is really as shocking as it seems. Everything is so extraordinarily mundane, nothing makes the sense it's supposed to, and I'm just like, wow. Really??

This isn't depression over the phone, btw. I just fig'd I'd let people know. Don't call me, I'll call you.

However I have GOT to do something to end this cycle. I would love for '09 to be THAT year. It's the year I'm turning 27, and 2 years ago I told Jessica I was going to kill myself on my 27th bday if I was still going thru that shit. So far, the appt stands haha. Wouldn't that suck if I did? Maybe I should do it after my bday, @ midnight and scribble some note about wanting to be w/ Brad Renfro in w/e chamber of hell you're sent to if you die a selfish death. He didn't commit suicide, but I don't know how the "Lord" feels about heroin use.

*sigh, sigh*

I'm sick, I'm covered in Vick's... Today is great!! I woke up sometime after 3am to hurl over and over into the kitchen trash can. Thank god there was a bag!! Yumm yumm gimmie some!

I can't do anything but laugh right now. Is this really the lead-in to a new year?? And I still have PLENTY of time to die tragically/ironically, and so do you so WATCH OUT!! lol

LMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMFAO, IT'S MAD HOURS LATER CUZ I LEFT THE COMP, BUT GUESS FUCKING WHAT HAPPENED AFTER I WROTE ALL THAT!?!?

GUESS!?!?

IF YOUR GUESS WAS THE FACT THAT MY PHONE WAS IN THE WASHING MACHINE, YOU WON YOURSELF A NEW CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BWAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND SUICIDE IS OFFICIALLY AN OPTION.

This year is fucking OVER. And by that, I mean see ya next blog, folks. I can't do this right now.

LMMMFAO.. REALLY!?!? Merry Christmas, everyone.

Shut your filthy fucking mouth right now!

2008-12-15T13:58:00.001-05:00

PLEEEEEEEEEEASE TELL ME THAT TODAY HAS BEEN A DREAM!?!?

IIIIIIIII HAVE NEVER WANTED TO BLOG ABOUT SOMETHING MORE IN MY GODDAMN LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE BUT ALAS, I CANNOT.

Either you know, or you don't. But omfg!!!!!!!!!!!

STFU! I am DYING right now..

Love to go to 1baby1cannula.com LMMMMMMMMFAO omfg PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't let me go to hell for this...

Video soon to follow, if SOMEONE would just be here already!! She doesn't even know.. OMFG.. I AM DYING HERE, NEED CPR STAT..

Seriously, I wish upon wishes that I could just tell you. I will, eventually, once all is said and done. And most of you will laugh and rejoice.

BUT UNTIL THEN I AM DOOMED TO SUFFER THE GOSSIPERS CURSE; NOT BEING ABLE TO TELL THE WOOOOOOOORLD WTF IS GOING ON W/ SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE.

Not yet, anyway.

PS, Brandi says "Welcome to the Har Har Hut" lmmmmmfao.. She is as EQUALLY as weak as the rest of us in the know...

chuckles

2008-12-15T09:34:00.003-05:00

LOL.. I don't even know where to begin w/ this one...

I wish I were taking a casual stroll on a pier (AHEM MORGAN) or maybe just chillin' in a NEON (not a Civic, LB, let's take it back) for this bit of info..

I have the loveliest ways of telling my friends the latest & greatest going on in my life. Or other people's lives for that matter, gossip counts lmmfao. Either way!

There's only one way to tell you that MY FUCKING LITTLE SISTER IS PREGNANT, SOOOOOOOOOOO WHICH WAY D'YA WANT IT?? STRAIGHT?? ON THE ROCKS?? OR THROWN DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS!?!?!

LET A BITCH KNOW, CUZ I'M DYYYYYYYYING.

HOOOOOOW THE FUCK....

Maybe she needs to read my blogs.. The one on World AIDS Day was quite inspiring, esp to her cause. OMFG! Really!?!? LAUREN!!? (my SISTER, not Bradley)

I don't even know what she's doing but I'm assuming that she's gonna have it. We aaaaaaallllllll know I wouldn't, but that's me. Actually, @ 26 I prob would just b/c who the hell knows if I'll even be alive long enough to try a 2nd time. The level of WWWWWWTTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFFUCK in my family just goes up every other month.

Oh, and dooooooon't let me forget the fact that LUCIOUS has to do 4 weekends in jail starting Jan 9.. STFU........... AGAIN!?!?! HOW!?! WHY!?!?

LMMMMMMMMMMMMMMFAO @ THE UNSTABLE BROOD OF RETARDS BETTER KNOWN AS MY FAMILY.

Soooooo, I'm on the phone w/ my Ma on a break from painting Lauren's new apt. Well, her room anyway. We're talking, ladi da, and then she pretty much whispers to me "Guess what... Lauren's pregnant."

"WHAT!? I fuckin' KNEW IT. I hate you all, you're all idiots"

*click*

*blank stare @ the phone/fact that Ma has the audacity to be mad @ ME for being mad*

BITCH, YOU JUST TOLD ME MY 17 YEAR-OLD SISTER IS GOING TO BEAR CHILD. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT ME TO SAY!?!? SA-WEEEEEEEEEET!!! Like I was supposed to be stoked or something, cuz IIII am to expect these sort of things.

WHAT THE..... OMFG... I could throw up. But then! Theeeeeeeen Lauren and I went to Home Depot by Rosemont and I had my Ma bring me some groceries cuz she was @ Farm Fresh when I called her back. As I'm taking stuff and asking for this one thing in the back of the truck, they tell me no it's for Lu, etc etc.. I was like wtf!?!? Fuck him, broke bitch (sorry Lu lol).. I go to walk away and I'm like, "Yeah w/e, just hit me up when you get your first WIC checks" LMMMMFAO..

I can't be-LIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEVE that my sister is pregnant. CANNOT.

Lu going to jail, MUCH more plausible and easy to digest. He's ALWAYS in jail. I would love to know what his record looks like. The world will find out after I'm famous. The Smoking Gun loves digging shit up like that. I'm clean, ho, try me! Two fucking tickets, and that's it. Btw hate the fact that I have them and def had a coronary when I got'em.

OH MY GOD, MY FAMILY LIFE IS IN SUCH SHAMBLES.... LMMMMMFAO.. All I can do is laugh @ this point!! When I took the phone from LB I def was like, "Oh lord, who went to jail!?!" but it was the baby news.. Ha, I wonder what my FATHER will say. I dgaf if he goes kuku(.bananas) cuz he could be helping my family out but he's so afraid of his heathen wife that he'd rather watch his OGs suffer. Fuckin' prick, Lucious Mathers and shit. However, my Ma could also get it on the Mathers tip, cuz I feel like I could def get my Eminem on and start spittin' some crazy shit about my life and upbringing.

I wonder what will happen before year's end. A-NY-THING is possible, so..

Pray for a nigga. Whatever you believe, that's fine by me. *shakes head*

REALLY THO!?!? And the night deeeeeeeeef ended w/ my phone being turned back on. Raaaaaaaaandom.

W/e. If such is life, I'll take it.

Def big love and a what uuuuuuuuuup to my nucca Jared, SCS all day, baby!! He wrote me and asked what was wrong, I don't think he's too up on his Madonna lyrics b/c my name and my status are lyrics from 'Human Nature'. Near the end, all the spoken shit. That's my biiiiiiiittttccccccchhhhhhh.. Don't give me shit for posting the Kelly Oz version of PDP, that's my bitch too on some reeeeeeal.. I jammed that album hardcore. It's so punky-angst colorful, and she wasn't trying to be anything but a young girl w/ some shit to say. Plus I fucking sweat her mad hard most times she's oot and aboot, dope as hair etc..

WHATEVER, I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO BLOG ABOUT SO IT ENDS NOW.

PS, fuck the Dolphins, AND Craig & Aaron, the true influence behind the show Bromance.

Whyyyyyyyy would you do this!?!?

2008-12-10T12:04:00.003-05:00

1 Man, 1 Jar.

So much worse than it sounds/seems @ first. Please watch it thru.

Blame my carrots (Jennaaaaaaay) for this. My eyes are scarred, permanently.

And you WONDER why YOUR little boy...

2008-12-10T00:41:00.003-05:00

is the one that got fucked by a grown man on his way home from school..

It's kids like this, right here, on the internet CLEARLY taking it to a whole new level of twink.. I think there's a new revolution of YouTube freedom. All of these kids are posting these "sexy" videos, and dirty old men are eating that shit up. Let Daniel Radcliffe slip up. Someone's gonna tag him one day, looking so pure like that.

I'm not sure how old the kid is underneath this, but damn. I hope he's 18, I really do.. I wonder how many dirty old men/women write these people, wanting to take care of them lol. Be my pet! That's how that shit happens, I've done my research.

Maybe I'm on to something here, I need Scooby and the gang to have a bitch's back. Next, there's gonna be a mirror w/ a camera linked to YT in it. Or something equally as invasive/much sought-after.

This kid's screen name on there is emotionalfire. Hooooow awesomely gay is that?? I feel like such a hatemonger lately but what is going on here!?!? Pure weakness, I tell ya. I hope their parents get these vids in chain mails @ work one day and loooose their shit. Just imagine if YT let them show dick & balls, it would be a wrap on society. God bless America and our chokehold on personal freedom.

I've got some shit to say...

2008-12-10T00:04:00.001-05:00

But, as I do in those rare moments, just not right now. I'm on the phone w/ a piece of the puzzle so I'm not really gonna be focusing and I try to give my all. I've stopped writing many times b/c it was pure bullshit. That I just said to say it, not b/c I felt or meant it.. Or TO.

I mean so much of what I say, and believe in so much of it. I need to, and I need you to believe me.. I see it, I see what you see, but I see it in a different way and I've got to get it out..

Wait, didn't I say I had nothing to say right now!??

Fuck, trapped in a box.. Btw, I've been on the phone w/ this bitch for like 15 minutes and I def don't remember any but like 2. Aaaand I def just realized Stevo was still in the room. Wow.

I sound like I did in my old LJs.. Looking back, I was sooo erratic, way worse than I am now. I try and give you a little time and space to feel some shit now, back then it was just !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all the way thru. My first blogxiety attack was huge. This has nothing to do w/ what I came here for, but I am not in the blame here. I can't remember what that point was, so it really doesn't matter.

Ha, no wonder people always thought I was high....

I was gonna wriiiiiiite a book......

LMFAO, see how it says I'm distraught? I don't even remember that/why I was. Now I do, it came to me during a keystroke, but still.. lol

Here you go, Preezy...

2008-12-09T23:09:00.003-05:00

Another one from the golden shower boy.. I fucking BEG YOU to @ least watch from like 2:40 and on.. Please!! This shit is fucking HILARIOUS..

I wish I knew him, sooo bad omfg.. I could make him a star!! lol

A porn star, they get mad duckets! Bleeech.

I knooooooow this nigga ain't........

2008-12-09T01:07:00.004-05:00

dancing in the shower w/ his clothes on??

Oh, lawd. This is the reason fathers dread their sons telling them they're gay. No hate from me, I'm just saying. Moments like this make it hard to believe that your MLB prospect loves the cock.

The Year-End Blog

2008-12-08T23:45:00.003-05:00

[Isn't a blog @ all. Ha! I got you good, you fuckers! But the last answer is pretty good, lol]

☆♥☆JANUARY☆♥☆

Who kissed you on New Years?
I don't remember, but it's not cuz I really don't. It's cuz I don't right noooooow.

Did you have a New Year's Resolution this year?
I guess not. I don't like resolutions b/c they make me do what I don't want to do, which is anything I should be doing.

Does it snow where you live?
For an hour or two, yeah..

Do you like hot chocolate?
Love it, esp from 7-11. Or Wawa hot choc w/ Caramello bits in it.. Aw, remember those days??

Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop?
No, could've like ten times but I heard it was trife and I reeeeeeally don't want to be let down.

☆♥☆FEBRUARY☆♥☆

Who was your Valentine?
Didn't have one.

When you were little did you buy Valentine's for the whole class?
Uh I just got candy and shit..

Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not?
No, but I would love to watch Groundhog's Day right now..

What did you receive for Valentine's day?
Just reminded me that Stevo owes me an awesome plush! Ty!

What did you give for Valentine's day?
____ LOL totally kidding tho. I know what you're now thinking!

☆♥☆MARCH☆♥☆

Are you Irish?
Nope, but I've had it in me. <---- I bet, lol.

Do you like corned beef and cabbage?
No but I fucks w/ Hoss.. UScircleA, bitches!!

What did you do for St Patrick's Day?
Prob drank, maybe nothing. Gotta check the blogs lol.

Are you happy when winter is pretty much over?
I'm only happy when it rains....

☆♥☆APRIL☆♥☆

Do you like the rain?
I live for the rainy days, and I'd love for them to get better.

Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year?
No but I've done some fucked up shit which I will attribute to nothing but pure selfishness.

Do you get tons of candy for Easter?
If I buy it..

Do you celebrate 4/20?
More bounce... to the ooooooounce!! [!!!]

Do you love the month of April?
It's just 4 months closer to the end of my life.

☆♥☆MAY☆♥☆

What is your favorite flower?
Do I have one? Hm. I love dandelions, either way.

Finish the phrase "April showers...
in period blood, isn't that disgusting??"

Do you celebrate May 16th: National Piercing Day?
Uhh, no. Why would you celebrate something you normally berate people for staring @ you for, or asking stupid ?s......

Is May anything special to you?
It would be if I were still a kid.

☆♥☆JUNE☆♥☆

What year did/will you graduate from high school?
I guess 1998..

Have a favorite baseball team?
Egyuck, fuck the Sux, Go ATL!! Greg Maddux, it saddens me to see you retire as a Dodger, but I am so grateful for your valiant efforts as a Brave. *tips hat*

☆♥☆JULY☆♥☆

What did you do on the 4th of July?
Avoid Lauren.

Did you go to the fireworks?
Don't think so.

Did you blast the A/C all day?
LOL. No, fag.

☆♥☆AUGUST☆♥☆

What was your favorite summer memory of '08?
So many of them are glorious, if only you knew.. But sooo many were horrible, and are carrying on well thru the winter.. Ty Myke, ♥ you.

Did you have a sunburn?
No.

Did you go to the pool a lot?
I think just the beach. Well, no I'm lying n/m..

Did you do anything fun during this month?
Of course. Pretty much every day, it depends on your def of fun..

☆♥☆SEPTEMBER☆♥☆

Are you attending college/school?
Nooo.

Do you like fall better than summer?
In the fall, yeah.. But I want to have the fall of my dreams, so I gotta grind hard..

What happened this month?
You got fired!!? What!?!? OHHH, OK I GET IT... LMMMMMMMMFAO..

☆♥☆OCTOBER☆♥☆

What was your last Halloween costume?
Ha, don't remember. A happier me, it turns out.

What is your favorite candy?
Any and all, apparently cuz I can't stop stuffing my face. Reese's Big Cups, btw. Fuckin' 420 cals a CUP.

What was your favorite thing(s) about this month?
Closer to the election, get it over w/. Plus mad candy.

☆♥☆NOVEMBER☆♥☆

Who's house did you go to for Thanksgiving?
Went to Roanoke to be w/ family. Good times. Strange times.

Did you vote in the 2008 election?
Yurp.

Do you love stuffing?
My face, ugh.

Anything special in this month?
Closer to Xmas..

☆♥☆DECEMBER☆♥☆

Do you celebrate Christmas?
In the cheapest, funnest way possible..

Have you ever been kissed under the mistletoe?
Yeah lol.

Get anything special last year?
Rebecca, lol..

What do you want this year?
a baby <---- Me too lol j/k....

What do you love most about December?
Know what I used to love?? Those days walking in the cold-ass snow, freezing like it was cool to do so in your boots that are barely above anything closely resembling warmth, and that's only going to last for another hour or so before your foot dies out. The snow felt so loud and crunchy, the world so quiet, seeming only to exist for the pure amusement of the blowing winds. Wasn't it neato?? Don't you want to walk thru your old neighborhood in the snow, but @ that age??

*sigh, sigh*

BYYYYYYY the way... [!!]

2008-12-08T13:32:00.001-05:00

Since several of my gal pals have hit me up to cuss me out, I would like to issue a formal apology for not mentioning your new/drastic hairstyles that you paid your hard-earned money on in the blog I wrote the other day.

I didn't mean to make everyone feel left out, haha! That's so cute, aw.. I love you guys... And your beautiful tresses!!

And breastses! Haha lol j/k..

Gracie, I love you so much and thanks for the aaaawesomely Griswold weekend. EVEN THO this bit has NO idea what I mean when I say that, lol. I'm gonna find it for you, hopefully in the cheapie bins somewhere.

She said something, omg.. Ohh, she was making Hamburger Helper (loooooves it OMFG JUST REMEMBERED THE LEFTOVERS IN THE FRIDGE FROM THAT, SA-WEEEEEEET!) and said something about seasoning the meat.. Then she turned around and was like, "If Craig's lucky I'll season his meat, too" lmmmmmmmmfao.. He totally didn't hear it b/c he's OBSESSED W/ HIS GODDAMN FISH but I was mad weak..

It caught me off guard too b/c just an hour before that, I would've sworn on the cross that she was going to behead him in the front yard and use his head as the tree angel.

What About Bob?

2008-12-08T12:21:00.003-05:00

Even better question, WHAT ABOUT BRAD!!? I'm watching the replay of E!'s stories of '08 and during their big death segment, I'm just getting mooooore and more pissed off @ the fact that they droned on and on about Heath, etc but didn't say ANYTHING, A-NY-THING about Brad Renfro. What the fuck!?!? It's not worse than the Oscar snub, but still. Like I said, the lack of respect for the life lost irritates me so fucking much. HEATH DIED OF AN OVERDOSE, JUST LIKE BRAD. BOTH were accidental. The drug itself is irrelevant.

I could cry, dude.. I'm so upset! They even did this roll of people who passed away other than Heath, and AGAIN, nothing!! I turned my cam on jic they showed him b/c it was after I was already heated over the Heath/DJ AM & TB/Jen Hudson stories, ESSSSSSP SINCE DJ AM AND TRAVIS BARKER ARE ALIVE AND DOING QUITE WELL, THANKS AND DON'T THINK FOR 2.5 SECONDS THAT I WOULDN'T LET THEM DIE IN FRONT OF ME IN EXCHANGE. If I was holding TB's first-born in my arms @ the time, no less. Beliiiiieeeeeve me when I say it.

Oh ohh.. It's called 'Big Stars, Big Stories'... So I guess Brad wasn't a big enough star?? He was big enough for them to report it in the first place.. I could see if they never even ran the story, but they did. They could've just ran back old footage and that would've satisfied me (nnnnnooot really cuz it's all new commentary etc)..

OMFG. I am going insane over this. Crazy things can't happen to crazy people w/o a huge impact. This is going to stay w/ me forever.

And so will the memory of my beloved Brad.

*sniffs*

[aaaand CUT]

2008-12-06T11:22:00.002-05:00

day I've ever known.... Or is it?? Anything going on today?? Like, in the daytime?? I think I'm gonna walk to Central Library and just mob it.. Maybe sit and write, maybe read up on some shit I've been meaning to. Prob a little of both, but one will eventually edge the other out hardcore..

Hit me up, let me know if you got some thangs goin' down.. Dino wants to see 'The Dark Knight' @ Cinema, who knows what will end up happening..

OOOOOOOOHHHH I have JACK in the fridge, thanks to Dino.. Def forgot about that.. I should've gotten more, then went to the library wasted.. I could just go ripped to the heavens and ask for books that I know don't exist.

Like mine :|

One day, my friends.. One sweet daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Btw totally finished that pic AAAAAAAAND I THINK I HEARD A MOUSE IN THE DEN, WTF LET ME FIND THE FUCK OUT...

Anyway here's the finished product;

Why do I do this to myself??? [!!!!]

2008-12-05T13:47:00.007-05:00

More importantly, why does GOD!?? I didn't ask for my latest form of punishment, but it's there.

W/ little over a month until the year anniversary of Brad Renfro's death, all of these random signs keep pointing to him. Jessica has noticed them also, and it's gaaaaaaaaaayer than gay b/c I am already 1000000000000000000% still in shock/mourning his passing, so... To pull a little Aniston from my hat, it's really uncool.

And w/ that I must say that I wish you all were as pop culture obsessed as I am so you'd get that.. But anyway!

I was thinking the other day about how I can't wait for 'The Informers' to come out and how I know I'm prob going to bawl my eyes out the entire movie and then I'm like... Hm... The book & screenplay come from Bret Easton Ellis, author of one of the most eye-opening books ever (if you're crrrrrazy like me!), American Psycho... WHICH __________________________________________________________________ (can't talk about it until I find a publisher), and that was one little co-nnec-tion I was unhappy w/.. Then there's all the self-torture where I somehow end up "researching" something from one of his movies, or seeing an actor listed on something else, knowing that if I keep clicking long enough I will end up on his page b/c they've worked together before..

And thennnnnnnnnnnn, after I laid in Stevo's bed THIS MORNING thinking about how I was going to slit my wrists in Jan if I don't chiiiiillll....

UGH.. Ugggghhhhhhhhhhh... I was TRYING to read about James Franco's hot ass on a news site, and then the ax fell yet again, right on my poor widdle heart!! Here's an excerpt from the article;

"First up, how was he affected by actor Heath Ledger's untimely death?

"I was in between classes, waiting in line at a café. Somebody wrote me that Heath had died, and it really upset me. It was weird, because it seemed like a lot of incredible people died in the past year -- Sir Anthony Minghella, Sydney Pollack. Brad Renfro died the week before Heath and I'd worked with him twice. It was really adding up. So I wrote something about it, that I actually read at the Hammer Museum in LA ... I'm so shy about talking about it, because in print, it sounds like 'Oh, James Franco likes poetry!'"

Kudos to Franco for actually mentioning Brad Renfro. The Academy didn't even show his pic during their "In Memoriam" section the last time."

Who's heart stopped upon reading that?? Ohh, that would MOST DEF be me.. I was juuuust saying in my head that his ____________-meter just went up sooo far.. N/m that he reminds me of a pothead Daniel Johns in 'Pineapple Express', this nigga had to bring up my baaaaaaby!?! I L-O-V-E you!

As I'm taking all of that in/thinking about how awesome it was for him to mention Brad, I get to the part where the person who wrote the article threw their two cents in and I about hit the floor.. Oh! The warmth..!

However, it's such a bittersweet moment.. I want him to be remembered, I want people to acknowledge that this is a life gone, one worth BILLIONS IN COMPARISON (cuz I would def fork over the duckets in a game of Life Swap if I could) that I loved so much.. But @ the same time, I would muuuuuch rather see press about him promoting his up-coming movies, etc etc...

DLJSGHKLDSHGLDSHGLSLFKDJSGFLKSDG;LDSKIHIIOG;IASjG IT WILL NEVERRRRRRRR MAKE SENSE TO ME, NEVER EVER. I cannot come to grips w/ it. The true side of obsession! OMFG!

I am throwing up all over the keyboard right now, or @ least my fingers are.. Esp after seeing something about this memorial fund his EX-GIRLFRIEND TY HE'S DEAD NOW HA HE BELONGS TO JESUS, NOT YOU started up... BITCH, you SHOULD'VE started a fund for the gas to drive him to rehab if you knew he was USING AGAIN... IIIIIIII JUST WANT TO KNOW WHYYYY... I don't think I could ever meet her. I would beat the breaks offa her, and I know it. I couldn't look her in the eye, DEF wouldn't be able to tolerate stories about their happiness.. IF HE WAS SO HAPPY WHY WAS HE USING AGAIN DUMB CUNT WHORE DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

*crazy unsteady breathing*

This goes out to all of you; I hope your idol dies tomorrow, and I mean it. From the bottom of my ♥.

"If you've never tried drugs, DON'T. If you have, pray" - Brad Renfro. A quote that KILLS me b/c he was discovered in a D.A.R.E. class!! REALLY?? I aaaaaaaaaaaaalmost wish I'd never heard of him, that no one outside of Knoxville, TN had ever heard of him. It's one of those things where I lose out b/c who would be in his place, so obv the coming into fame part is crucial.. However could a bitch have just ONE meeting w/ him??

GRACIOUS.

PS, LOVE how that video ends @ 7:24.. My birthday....! Brad's is the day after...

WAS.

IIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

If you need me @ all...

2008-12-04T13:43:00.003-05:00

I'll be in the back coloring, lol.

I colored the one on the right over a year ago, and just now decided to do some crazy trippy other half.. Which is why I have purple trees (or is it?) and a very green fire hydrant.. Well, a bunch of greens and then Tropical Rain Forest (that bluish jank).. I think the ice cream is taking Donald into the Matrix..

Hollerrrrrrrrr if you need me, obv won't be getting anything back immediately buuuuuut.. I needed a reason to throw the deuces!!

See, that's the shit that hurts...

2008-12-03T00:27:00.005-05:00

That's the shit that stops me dead in my tracks EVERY single time. Just when you think it's safe to poke your head out....

Fuck nah. Around and around we go!

This is the shit we were talkin' about, Lauren... I'm never gonna actually do it!! AHH!!

I could just throw up everywhere.

On second thought, I could just throw up everywhere...

Woo, child...

Please, not today.

I just wanted you all to be aware of the fact... [!!!]

2008-12-01T12:45:00.002-05:00

it's def World AIDS Day, and you should ALL (esp the hos) be aware of this very real disease that I really don't think people my age and younger don't take nearly as serious as they say they do. If you saw blood on the ground, would you grind your papercut into it? No?

Then why do you sleep w/ people w/o protection!? ANYONE can be affected by the AIDS virus, A-N-Y-O-N-E. No matter HOW healthy they look, they could be riddled w/ it. They could've just recently been infected, or have been and just don't know. Maybe they DO know, but don't care. Either way, is it worth your life?? Like, your real actual *BEATBEATBEATBEATBEATBEAT* heartbeat-thriving life??

You DO know that you will DIE from this disease, right?? I know, everyone is going to die someday. But YOU are going to die first, b/c "he/she looks clean, there's no waaaaaaaay they have AIDS."

Really?? You know that for a fact?? Cuz yanno, there's a way to really know and be 100% sure. You can't wait a week to sleep w/ that person w/o protection? One simple test can save your life. And even if it's not AIDS, there are many other diseases, some curable some not, that are just as real and just as devastating.

There is no face, no certain "OMG you can tell he has AIDS".. It's not like Gaydar, you can't catch someone in the mall getting their AIDS done and call them out.. AIDS is an invisible murderer, and you're basically attemping suicide each and every time you sleep w/ someone unprotected w/o full knowledge of their history and cleanliness. By that, obv I don't mean it's ok to do it if they use Germ-X.

[LMFAO Brandi, your dream had me weak.. Oooooook, I GUESS I can let YOU slide. It IS _____! :D]

Back to the bidness tho, cuz I'm almost done! Just please, please, PLEASE everyone be careful and take care of themselves and respect yourselves. Not all of you are complete fucking idiots, I know. We've all had our moments (well maybe not all, but) and no one IIII know is innocent in this case, myself included, but just knowing that the next time could be the one that does it, wooo that was enough for me.

And yes, when I'm famous I'll def be that person in the PSAs warning people about the dangers of this and that. Looking forward to it. I do the same thing for my friends who smoke cigarettes. Another case where I'm throwing stones in my purdy glass house. I'm callin' you out for something I won't even remember happening in like 20 minutes!

But still! I love you guys and I wish nooooothing but the best for everyone, including a safe and happy holiday season. Let's just try and get thru the rest of '08, k? I def wasn't sure on Jan 1 if I was gonna be alive to talk about some shit on Dec 1.

*steps down from soapbox, presses play*

Just b/c of the first question...

2008-11-27T20:01:00.000-05:00

How old are you?
I feel like a grandma sometimes... does that answer your question.. not to mention the fact that I get direct mail pieces from hooverround too! <--- K that was her response, which I lol'd hard @.. But seriously.. We are both only 26, hooooooooowever that's the longest amount of time I can imagine, seeing as how I'm not 30. At 26, there is nothing but you and 26 years AGO. So disheartening.

What is the highest level of education you have attained?
A trade that I never use... LOL.. Hey, it was fun to learn..

Which would you do over: High school or college?
"High school" which just means learning w/e I wanted and then being forced to move to Pittsburgh to Job Corps... Boy oh boy, would I do THAT over. I lost my soul for quite a while after I left.. Years...

What class you have taken has prepared you the most for what you do now?
None. Not a one. I didn't stay innnnnooooooooo wait, History.. Does that count?? I love it still, and it helps me in many arguments.. And English.

In one sentence, comment on your job.

is your current job something you would like to do for the rest of your life?
If it's writing, yes. Please GOD, don't let me be the last to know..

Is it more important to have money or friends?
I mean I like both.... geez <--- Real ass answer right there.. I have enough friends, and would trade a couple of them for money w/o question. I mean, not YOU tho...........................

Do you own or rent your home?
I could use 40 acres and a mule right about now, I'd say...

How do you cool off?
Music. ___.

What would you buy with if someone gave you 100 in cash?
Nothing.

Are you in debt, and if so, how bad is it?
I don't even want to talk about it, on some real..

Do you spend more time with friends or with family?
Friends... Friends that are like family and therefore wouldn't get sold... There, ya happy?? Feel reassured??

If you were given 6 mos. paid vacation, what would you do?
The exact same shit I do now, w/ money...

Would you rather be better at your job or better at video games?
I want the job to be video games... And I would never trade my skills in, on either side, sooooooooo...

Whats the last good movie you saw?
I forgot. I've seen The Usual Suspects mad times but I still love it like a viiiiiiiirrrrrrrgiiiiiiiiinnnn..

Whats the last good book you read?
Again, don't remember.. Not a good time to ask, lol.. Something James Patterson I bet.. I neeeeeeeeed a book, it's driving me craaaaaaaaaannnd it was most def a Dean Koontz which JUST might be in the back. If not, OMFG THERE'S BOOKS IN MY TRUNK hooooooope I haven't read them all...

Whats the best book you have ever been assigned to read?
No one is the boss of me.... <--- Love it. Prob the Judy Blume janks.. Actually I think they were just my faves.. I was a readin' bitch, ya'll don't understand..

What do you listen to on the radio?
SNIRS?? I have a link on my page..

Whats your favorite TV show?
Uhh.. Legally, I can't answer that ?.. I would kill myself w/ one answer.

Whats your opinion on...

The President?
He's a 8 figga nigga and I fucks w/ 'em...

Oprah Winfrey?
My goal.

Tom Cruise?
Extremely fucking lucky.

Bill Gates?
My other goal.

The internet?
Genius. My waste of time when I could be using it.

Cell phones?
No longer an issue, for I am yet again w/o...

The Apple iPod?
NOT WORKING, WTFFFF..

American Idol?
Genius again.

Gay marriage?
No one's business but your own. America is a stuck-up cunt on the sneak.

Gun control?
Wu-Tang lyrics.. Love it.

"Who is Keyser Soze?"

2008-11-20T17:35:00.003-05:00

It's ME, bitches!!! GOD, I fucking love 'The Usual Suspects' fo-eva and eva.. It came on AMC the other day and it just brought back all the joy I experience everytime I watch it. Spacey deserved every beautiful golden inch of the Oscar he won for playing Verbal Kint. Easily my fave Spacey role. He slays it.. Just wish he would come out, I know that nigga is gay. Highly unrelated, but still. I'd like to see him frolicking around w/ the young boys like the photos suggest he does.. It's always interesting when things like that pop off in Hollywood..

Just like how Donnie Incrediblyhotberg basically outed Jon Knight even tho it waaaaaaaaassssssss kinda poured into a whole new context... Buuuuuut if the white patent-leather Fuck Me pumps fit........

"As we mentioned yesterday, New Kids On The Block-er Donnie Wahlberg raised some eyebrows with a quote he gave about boy bands and closeted NKOTB member Jonathan Knight.

In a newspaper interview, Wahlberg had said, "You could look at a group like 'NSync and go, 'Oh my gosh, Lance Bass is the Jon Knight, Justin Timberlake is the Joe McIntyre, JC Chasez is the Jordan Knight'–you could go right down the line.

But Walhberg now feels he has to defend what he said - making it clear that he didn't mean to 'out' Knight.

Donnie claims that comparing Jon to Lance Bass wasn't a comparison to his homosexuality. Although a lot of people already know of Knight's gayness and even know that he has a boyfriend.

In a new interview, Donnie says, “That was an . . . out-of-context manipulation of my answer. I was referring to ’N Sync’s management trying to copy us - Joe the cute young Justin type, Jordan the dark and handsome JC type; Jon the shy and quiet Lance type.”

He clarified that it was just a “shy/quiet reference. Not a gay reference.”"
[Perez, btw]

Just say it..! I've been thinking that shit since both the Knights went on Oprah mad long ago to talk about Jon's anxiety.. Oh, well. He's still adorable and I'd still hit it and quit it..

By quit I def mean commit suicide b/c uuuuuuuuunless it's a group-bang, could life get any sweeter??

Yes, actually. You could be stoked to fit into a shirt given to you by the person who's name is on it after a year of owning it.

Moving right along, I cannot WAIT to see Britney's special @ the end of the month. MY random ass couldn't sleep last night after waking up @ 4am and around 5:30am I decided that to help myself, I was going to listen to "a few" Britney songs b/c I hadn't in a while.. I started w/ the first album.. "Just" like 7 songs... Aaaaaaand from there I went nuts and basically listened to everything but the entire In The Zone/Blackout albums.. Funny tho, out of all the songs I played, 'Gimme More' was the one I listened to like 6 times.. I was goin' off, too! That's still my jam, apparently. What a 'mo. When 'Lucky' came on I was def like, wow wonder how she feels about that NOW?? Esp thinking back to the MTV (Making The Video) when she was talking about Lucky etc, I bet she never thought she would end up literally becoming that sad bitch!

Ugh, caaaaaaaaaan't wait can't wait can't wait. I've read a few excerpts from it so I know it's gonna be good..

Buuuuuuut until then, a pic of Prince William's dick just landed online sooooooo....

Heath out.

PS, Tech and Dirt slaaaaay this track. Haven't heard it in a while, fig'd now would be a good time.

What's awesome about me iiiiiiiisssssss...

2008-11-20T16:11:00.001-05:00

I totally called out the Bob Fosse inspiration in the new Beyonce vid.. I wish bulletins lasted forever, lol..

But anyway there's a vid on YouTube that has the vid embedded w/ clips from the video more famously known for having the Walk It Out remix dubbed over it, w/ the three broads workin' it back in the day.. Someone caught a clue for a thousand I guess.. I've been dyyyyying to get on and blab about that video, but not b/c of the Fosse thing...

Let's just start w/ the fact that Be KILLS that routine, along w/ her dancers. Bitches WORK! I don't care what anybody says, 'ol girl was workin' it hard.. But what's even BETTER about that video is all of the ones made in re; to it.. ESSSSSSSP the dude in the Lara Croft-lookin' ass outfit.. That shit gets me weak eeeeeeevery fucking time I see it..

At the same time, I'm oddly fascinated.. This is prob the 10th time today I've seen this, no bullshit lmmfao.. Any site I go on that has it posted, I feel compelled to watch it. My only regret in life is that it's this dude (Shane Mercado) and not Brian Friedman LMMMFAO.. I'm sure ooooooonly Jen will fully appreciate that, esp since we met him togetherrrrrrr (oh, what a night!).

Equally as hilarious but for it's own reasons is the SNL version w/ Justin Timberlake. JT in a leotard?? DEF a must-view.. I almost started to cry, MUUUUUUUUUUUCH LIKE WHEN JC AND JUSTIN CAME OUT TOGETHER (..............no homo) ON THE TRL FINALE ____________________________________ No bullshit, I had tears in my eyes. 'N Sync forever, bitches! It will never die! NEVAAAAA!!

Sooooooooookay back to earth we go... I'm watching CSI NY (have been since 1pm) and totally not paying a lick of attention so I'ma hop off this mafaka for a min to thoroughly enjoy it. Don't worry, I'll be back to talk about my latest ups and downs.. It's not all fluff today!!

It's a beautiful day in the neeeeiiiighborhood....

2008-11-05T09:24:00.002-05:00

Thats how I feel right now. My very first thought when I woke up was "Oh my god, Obama is president!" lol.. Aaaaaaand then I slung my arm over Stevo's somehow warm skin-and-bones side to hug a boy who needs so much prayer in his life, lol..

Just to make it CRYSTAL CLEAR, we have slept in the same bed nuuuuuuumerous times, and I just passed out in there last night... After pissing w/ the door open which had him weak.. All that battling over who's side of the bed it is.. Bitch, it's mine! And it's been mine since '04 so suck on that, lol.. Ask about me! I was mad weak during the bed battle, b/c Iiiiii am the only one to have slept in that room BEFORE Stevo moved in, and immediately after. I was just kind enough to let you bed warmers shift your skivvies to the floor in my absence! Haha.. He thinks it's just as funny. Another reason why I don't see how they all fall for that mess.. "It's YOUR side, baby!" bwahaha.. Who cares?? Just go the fuck to sleep!

Aaaaaaanyway, I wish it were 11am already.. The View is CAAAAAAALLING me. I've been watching that shit for like 12 years, and even if I miss damn-near a whole season, best believe in times like this my ass is tuning in. This season showed us just how truly naive Hasselbeck is. What a twit! Ack! I need to get up on that jank.. Fire Sherry, cuz she agrees w/ Elisabeth a liiiiiiittle too much, and put me on there. I'm not wearing extravagant weaves but I WILL stop wearing hats so much, lol.. I guess they need Sherry's middle-stance balance but damn.. Sometimes she be on some OC shit..

Oh! The joy! I keep hearing "President Barack Obama" and it's delightfuuuuuuuul. I'm 'bout to make some cornbread in this mafaka.. Not that I don't everytime I stay over @ Gmas, but yanno.. America's got some soul, it shall be fed w/ soul food. NOT chicken & watermelon, however, don't get me started on all the shit they're going to say about what the First family will eat their first night in..

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH, JANUARY 20TH = GAME OVER. I told Stevo last night how I felt about Bush, and the way they dogged that poor manchild during the last year. In his two terms, everyone joked about how he's a puppet and he has no control over this nation, that Cheney etc called the shots... Really, well then whyyyyy did no one stand up for him when McCain etc threw him under the bus and blamed errrrrrrrrthang on a nigga?? If he wasn't the one calling the shots that led us to this insane economic downfall, why is he the only one being crucified to that extreme level?? Stand up and be accounted for, you lying, scheming bastards!!!

Stop Snitching! W got straight snitched on, ratted out and left for dead basically lol.. I would hate to be him right now, knowing that all of those people were like, "Naahhh, that's YOUR boy! - "WHAT, THAT AIN'T MYYY BOY, THAT'S ALL YOU" haha.. Then they wanna try and discredit my NIGGA any and every way they saw an opportunity to do so, making him out to be a traitor and alla that shit. But WHO turned on WHO in this country?? You tried turning America against a smart black man while yoooouuu abandoned the WHITE idiot YOU CHEATED to put in office. Suck it up, good 'ol boys! It's your own goddamn fault this happened.... I mean, c'mon....

SARAH PALIN!?!?!?!?!?

...............................................................................................?

Ya'll miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight've been able to squeak this one out, right up until the day she became the VP pick. Ha! What a laugh. I don't even argue w/ people who try and tell me she's sooooooo smart and soooooo ready, etc. Or WAS, I should say.. They make my case for me. Anyone dumb enough to place their future in the hands of someone as unqualified all across the board as she is, well they don't deserve to debate me. It's a slaughter not unlike what we witnessed last night. She's a joke, literally. The Pubs have NEVER turned their back so fast on their own party until this election. What does that say about McCain and his choice?? But ooooook, anything is better than the guy w/ the middle name Hussein, right??

It disgusts me to the core to think about all the open racism going on during the campaign time. That's all I'm going to say about that. You all know who you are. *smh*

Ohh yes oh yes oh yes they both oh yes they both oh yes they both reached for the gun the gun the gun the gun oh yes they both reached for the gun, for the gun!

But only OBAMA popped off!!!

"It's been a loooooooooooooong, a long time coming but..."

2008-11-05T00:27:00.002-05:00

"A chaaange gon' coooooooome..."

SHUUUUUUUUUUUT THE FUCK UP....

On some REAL shit, I NEVER in my life thought I was going to see this happen.. A man after my own heart, my own concerns as a black person living in this day and age..

Someone so smart, so educated........... SO BLACK & BEAUTIFUL.

Jigga, MY nigga. Barack Obama. AN AMERICAN MAN, AN AMERICAN PRESIDENT. Congrats... OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could throw up Black Power fists right now, I stg.. SSSSSSSTTTTTTTTFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU...

AND my nigga won VA, a state that hasn't gone [D] in 44 fucking years.

It's been a long time coming, but...........

He fucking did it. He REALLY did it. And he STOMPED McCain. I c-a-n-n-o-t wait to watch The View in the morning. I wish I could be there to pry Elisabeth's mouth open and let the PROJECTILE VOMIT flow.

Ha, you fucking BITCH! I hope Joy eats your eyeballs out promptly @ 11am est.

As it stands the electoral votes are 338 - 156. My dude is killin' it! How can this be?? Oh my god... I want to wrap myself around the US and hug it tightly. Thank you! Thank you to everyone not afraid to do the right thing based on some BULLSHIT SCARE TACTICS deployed by the republican party..

OMG.. I can't believe it!!!!!!! But I love it. And before the replies start flowing, I don't give a FUCK what you say if you voted otherwise. Let me let yoooooou know right now. Not a single solitary fuck, mkay?? Juuust making that clear.

Let the tears flow, America. I don't care if they're tears of sadness, b/c YOU DESERVE TO CRY YOU FUCKING LOSERS, LMMMMMMFAO.. DGAF!

LMMFAO this lady just threw up the diamond.. I was just doing that!! I said I wanted him to come out to some Jigga and throw the diamond up. THAT shit would be more gangster than OVERCOMING ALL OF THE OBSTACLES IN HIS PATH (COOOOOOOOOLORRRRRRRR) AND BECOMING THE 44TH PRESIDENT, LEADER OF THE "FREE" WORLD.

I am so glad that I got to take part in this MONUMENTAL MOMENT IN TIME.

And as glad as everyone is, no one can truly get just how important this is unless they are BLACK. Like I said, NEVER could I imagine this happen. I came to life in the Reagan era, and after that Bush Sr. The country was @ such a diff place then. Who could've seen this coming!?!? OMFG... Tears... This is beautiful.

Stevo is trying to argue the dumbest things w/ me, esp about how important this is to me. I was like, "Someone calls you a cracker, you laugh it off. Someone calls you a nigger, they mean that shit."

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO we just went @ it so hardcore. He sounds immensely racist right now, lmmmmmmmfao. It's really not funny, but I'm gonna laugh anyway.

And then I'm gonna sing my song.... REDEEEEEEEEEEMPTION SONG...

Soooooo, THIS is where my life is now.... [wtf!]

2008-10-27T21:01:00.000-04:00

After spending a lovely week away from home, I return and I'm there for all of like, 20 mins before all hell breaks loose.

I'm telling my Ma about how financially irresponsible she is, and apparently after all we've been thru, THAT was the breaking point.

She called the cops and had them dragging my shit out of the house, cut my phone off (which app was happening tomorrow ANYWAY BITCH SO FUCK YOU), talks to me like I'm a complete stranger...............

TELLS ME SHE HAS BREAST CANCER.................

DID ANYONE ELSE HAVE A PROBLEM W/ THAT ONE?? OR IS IT JUST ME??

AAAAAAAAAAAND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT SHE TOLD MY SISTER MMMMMMOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSS AGO..

MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER... MONTHS AGO.... WHICH IS APPARENTLY WHY SHE FOUND MY FAHJ... REALLY, IS THIS A TRADE OFF?? I CAN'T.

I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN'T.

SO AFTER THAAAAAAAT, WE SPEND OUR LOVELY TIME IN THE RAIN FOR LIKE AN HOUR, AND THEN MY BRO'S CAR.. THAT BITCH................. Didn't want me using my bro's phone. Really, cuuuuuuuz you cut mine off.. Aaaaaaand you're gonna complain about that, buuuuuuut every dime I earned this year went to you.... Soooooooooo........???

I wanted to move to MS after court, which was TODAY btw.. I got 30 days suspended provided I don't get into trouble, so she calls the COPS on me!?!? SHUUUUUUUUUUT THE FUCK UP...

DJGHKLJADSHFIASLHFJASHFASGHKLFGSABFSKGFLSHAFJASKLGFJHKGASFKLASHGVFKJASHGFKLASJHGFASLHFGEUOGLFKIJHASGFKGDSF

THIS IS HORRIBLE!! LMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMFAO OMFG THIS IS HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRIBLE... HERE, LET ME POST A LITTLE SNIPPET FROM THE BOOK, SOMETHING I WROTE AFTER MEETING MY FATHER...;

"Meeting him was a sign of the apocalypse. I'm sure of it. It's all about to hit the fan now... I know my life, I know my fated patterns.. Watch where you stand, America, b/c I'm the next best thing... Iiiiiiiiif you're a lightening bolt. Something's gotta go wrong cuz I'm feelin' way too damn good. Never a truer statement. Well, other than all the other ones I say that about. Either way, the shit rings true as a bitch in my ears. We started talking about all this stuff, like how w/ all my travels and refusal to stay put I've just been looking for myself etc. I disagree tho, that's more of where my relationship w/ my mother comes in. My whole life, she's been the one person I wholly and completely belonged to, so of course I clung to her. CLING to her. When the entire world lets me down, and it does, she is the person I can turn to, whether she knows that's what I'm doing or not. I suffer thru some of the worst heartbreaks you could imagine just to feel like I have something to hold onto. It may not be a blue blanket, but it's damn comforting. Just seeing her face makes me feel better. I can't imagine what I'll do when she's gone."

REEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLYYYYYYY?????? And Grace is my witness that I didn't just type that shit up.. She's right next to me, and saw me open Blogger and copy that piece.. I am the Oracle, apparently.. How did I fucking know something bad was going to happen?? Oh wait, b/c it always does..!!

ALWAYS!! OMFG!!!!!!!!!

BREAST CANCER???????? Remember the blog I wrote about the dream where she was dying?? This year. All the nightmares I've been having lately and telling people about that have to do w/ her BEING GONE.. WTF!!?! I don't want to believe it, not @ all.. I want her to somehow get ahold of me and tell me she's not sure, that it's only a possibility. WHICH is probably the case, but until I know...... And if she tells me she DOESN'T have it?? WHOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAMYFUCKING GOD... WHAT IF SHE ONLY SAID IT TO KEEP ME FROM KILLING HER!?!?! ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE @ THIS POINT, LMMMMMMFAO..

I'M DONE. I'm freezing, I'm hungry, I'm HOMELESS....

I'm gone.

PS, that's def her ringer and has been all year.

Uh-oh, Jen...

2008-10-25T12:32:00.003-04:00

Def listening to Beth Hart... Obsession overload!

I dgaf, that bitch brings it HOME on 'Get Your Shit Together', oh lawd...I'm not even gonna bother telling you just how many times I've listened to it today.. Just know that it's getting up there..

She's sayin' something awful true in that song.. Normally I'd post the song, but I want you to dl and listen to it.. See how you feel about your decision..

This song is old as a bitch, and I can remember being younger and envisioning myself as her, singing this to someone.. But now that I'm older, I AM that someone. I don't know how the fuck that happened, but it's true..

Did III take it too far? Did III forget who I am?? Did IIIIII stash my soul into a closet forever??

Excellent questions, horribly true answers.

Morgan..... This is what we were talking about.. That's what made me want to hear it.. The other crowd, the one we def don't belong in.

I neeeeeeeeeeeed, and have always needed Beth Hart to sing this directly to me. I need that experience, omfg.. I would throw up everywhere..

What really kicked this off was something Grace said about me the night we were w/ my fahj.. I have tears in my eyes right now b/c of all of the things this song forces me to dwell on.............

It's funny what growing up does to a person. You're never the same, and if you are it's usually a bad thing. They say breaking up is hard to do, but I think GROWING up has it beat ten-fold.

I just realized now, RIGHT now, exactly why I love writing so much. All of my blogs lately have been interrupted w/ things for the book, and I love it.. DO NOT LOVE, HOWEVER, the fact that I lost my pen last night.

Later, gator.

Hello again my friend
It’s been sometime,
I try and read you
In your shifting eyes
Your hands are trembling
As I hold ’em in mine
How ya livin’
You were the talker
& I was the clown
We grew up wonderin’
How we would get out
But you’re still talkin’ talkin’
You got places to go
You got people to know
You got plans
To get your shit together
Did you take it too far
Did you forget who you are
Did you stash your soul
Into the closet forever
So now you’re hustling
For the five & dime
You cure the stranger
& his perverted mind
You are the poet of need
& lust how’s the preachin’
You painted destinations
On the inside
& dreamed of revelations
Yearning to fly
But you’re still walkin’
& still talkin’
Hold on geany
Watch what ya say
Save your preachin’
For a rainier day
Hold on geany
I’m talkin’ to you
You’re so amazing
In whatever you do

Bwahahaha.....

2008-10-24T16:26:00.000-04:00

Sooo get THIS funny ass shit.. My Ma showed my sis the pic of the dad w/ the camera in hand and asked her who it looked like.. What does she say??

"Lisa's long-lost father..."

_______________________________________________

What a way to find out. She's mad @ my Ma for never telling her, but my Ma thought I'd already told her.. Why would I? How would I??

I dunno.. It's turning into this weird thing.. My Ma asked if I was mad @ her, but I'm not.. I've known for 16 years, so... Plus, it's all resolved, well the initial shit anyway.. Just wanted a face for the name, and VOILA, the face is MINE..

Hahaha..

Bitchin......

Say whaaaaaaat...

2008-10-24T14:05:00.002-04:00

Sooooooo, last night Grace and I went to meet up w/ bio-dad. Holy weird shit...! I still don't know wtf to say.. How in the heeeelllllllll... I had a million dif ways I'd seen this happening ever since I first found out.. It was totally cool tho, don't get me wrong.. Just so.. WEIRD! My FA-THER.

What's even MORE awesome is the fact that he was only in town for a few days, and I just HAPPENED to catch him.. He left like an hour after we met up.. And otw to meet him, we pass this sign on the Blvd (Va Bch Blvd for you non-locals) that says "Today Is A Good Day To Visit" or some shit like that.. STFU... It's right before you pass Princess Anne HS on the right side..

We both started dying, omg.. GRAAAAAAAAACE.. She can tell you how weird it was.. We just kept laughing and like.... I dunno.. It was so random.. I can't believe it happened!!

Anyway, after I woke up/showered I said a lil bit to thy video soooo...

Check THIS shit out tho...

Uhh, hello?? And this?? Nigga, that's MY deadpan face.. MINE.

I can't. ♥

Pull my wank or WALK THE PLANK!!!

2008-10-23T11:55:00.003-04:00

LMMFAO.. Last night was weeeeeeeak as a bitch. Potheads in pirate costumes?? Aaaaaaawlriiiiiiiiight!

He def thought I was taking pics the entire time I filmed this. You can def tell, lol.. He looks so frustrated over the lack of a hat.. How 'bout the lack of a CLUE, cuz I'm def DYING for no reason/talking to Lauren on the vid b/c she's not there..

Oh yesssss...

I DID take pics before and after this, which I'm about to send to Laura (seen pirate left) here in a minute..

I rule.

The not-so-quiet riot.......

2008-10-22T16:33:00.002-04:00

This short little clip was filmed by yours truly while sitting @ the magistrate one chilly evening earlier this year..

I was [thisclose] to slitting my throat and spraying my blood all over that baby.

Aaaaaaaand now you can stfu, Brandi...

2008-10-18T22:16:00.005-04:00

This is part deux of a very interesting night @ the oceanfront.. I haven't uploaded part one b/c I'd want to edit it first aaaaaand that's just not going to happen right now, or probably ever. It'll end up in pieces on the (not uhhh, the!) dvd or some random shit like that..

Eeeeeeeeither way, here it is.. The crazy bitch I'm yelling @ turned out to be Melissa's aunt.. So uhh, sorry slick, but your aunt was about to geeeeeeeet iiiiiiiiiiittttttttt... There were unmarked bastards @ the other end of the lot, her only saving grace. Note how polite I am to her, however!

Hearts and flowers!

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"My beloved little brother Mark D. Smith has passed away

2008-10-10T01:21:00.001-04:00

in CT. Please pray for my family.
Mark. Marine. Man. Mason. Married.
Thank You,
Susan " - My Ma...

Really?? I said it was going to be somebody close to home. Aw, Uncle Marky.. I remember when he stayed w/ us for a while. I was just telling someone the night before it happened that he'd been the first person to take me out on a motorcycle. I would've sworn I was going to fall off and die.

Aw.. Uncle Marky...

My Ma/her sibs had just gone up to see him, and left the day before. Love that she told him not to hold on for them, aaaaaand not even 24 hrs later...

Stfu Ma! Just like I keep BEGGING YOU TO, lol..

If she reads that, she'll prob take it in the worst way possible and start in on some crazy tirade. I asked her if she was dying earlier. She told me I was crazy, always coming up w/ some weird shit..

Well, hello! You're not exactly the voice of reason anymore, sweetheart!

I wish I could just put you all in my life for a day, even tho I'm glad @ the same time that I can't. That's my life, holmes, don't need you alllll up in it unless I think you're in it to win it..

But anyway, I'm not in *that moment* so I'm out..

PS DEF walked from where Providence and S Plaza start, all the way (zig-zagged) to Blue Horseshoe @ the beach w/ Jessica the other day... Hooooooooooooly shitttttaaaaaalk about THAT later tho, but omfg if you live here, then you fucking KNOW my soul is crying out.

Or, if you saw us.. Like Stevo, Clutch, JAAAAAAKE AND S-A-R-A-H, and a slew of other random ass people did..

But like I said... Laaaaaaaater, dude.

[cuz why the fuck not?? They WERE Philly kids..]

R.I.P. Uncle Marky

"I'm your prescription, I'm your physician..."

2008-09-29T20:06:00.004-04:00

"I am your addiction..."

AAAAAAAAAND if you're as addicted to my blogs as you saaaaaaaaaay you are, you'll do me a little favor and go to my blog, then hit SUBSCRIIIIIBE.

Obv = all the I's, obv. It's on the left, fuckos, just do it. I don't care if you read the BULLETINS (MURRR) just want you all to be noted, k??

Jeeeeeeez, so many of you (that I msg'd) responded w/ "BUT I ALREADY READ YOUR BLOG!"

Ack! (no Cathy)

Now you know what I meant. Texting you all back about that, individually no less, was mad annoying so now you fucking owe me, bitches.

Eventually I'll get around to the old ball and chain, making a graphic banner or something to make it that much easier. But for now, do the legwork and stfu please thanks.

Ahhh hahahaha....!

2008-09-29T17:36:00.000-04:00

I'm so weak right now.. I'm talking to Jen via msg/comment.. We both obsess in pretty much the same way over the same type of shit.. Guys being number one, esssssssp if they're famous..

We were talking about her current obsession, whom she has felace'd (lmfao!)
and she sent me a bunch of pics.. She thinks he may be a bromosexual, however that always seems to add to the appeal w/ us. Anyway, one of dude's boys looks straaaaaaaight like Daniel Johns, only like 34/bigger frame, so I start in on him/James Franco in Pineapple Express and she's like, "No wonder you think he's hot you love fags too."

My response?

"Of course.. We all know my main man coulda passed for a girl for like 93% of his career.. I dgaf tho, DJ could be caught fucking Lance Bass and I would still crip walk barefoot on a bag of AIDS blood laid across a sheet of glass set on top of a bunch of bricks for him...

IIIIIIIIIIIIF. HEEEEEEE. ASKED ME TOOOOOOO..."

Truuuuuuuuuuuue dat.

"I am the cus-to-mer...

2008-09-25T13:13:00.003-04:00

"and the customer is aaalways riiiiggghhhtttt..."

I don't know wtf cartoon is on in the other room @ Jason's house, buuuuuut that's the song they're singing and that shit is fucking PERFECT for how I feel about the whole damn thing. That is now my favourite saying in the whole wide world.

YOOOOOOUUUUUUU HAAAAAAAAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME... YA'LL GON' DO ME LIKE THAT??

Your very little friend just enlightened me to the fact that you call yourself being mad @ me for something I apparently am planning to do.. Ha..

*THOUSAND COUGHS FOR A CLEARER THROAT*

LMMMMMMMMFAO..

Fuuuuuuuuck you, wtf are you kidding me!? I can clearly recall saying that it would be fucking hilarious, HOWEVER, let's just talk about the fact that EVERYONE YOU HANG OUT W/ reeeeeeeeally thinks it would be funny.. Just the other day, someone said it to me @ random... I personally dgaf, have you heard about my recent activities?? A bitch been chillin.. So for you to think of yourself in that extreme importance of my life is just plain absurd. I don't need anyone I hang out w/. I truly believe in a calmer world where life is a spectator sport.. Everyone wants to throw Jess into the pot, however we chill in a supremely dif way where contact/acknowledgement are optional. Just stfu sometimes, okay??

Chiiiiiillllll.

The only thing I absolutely neeeeeed is music. I can talk to my cot damn self, it's better conversation most times..

Aaaaaalso.. Do you honestly believe I wouldn't have done it if I REALLY wanted to??

You're sick in the head, son.

Right now, you remind me of one of my best/worst friends in the world.. That one shining quality born of extreme arrogance.

But I love you both. Fucking pricks that you are.

*Sigh, sigh*

My, my... Could it be??

2008-09-24T14:55:00.005-04:00

Am I uploading videos?? Why, yes I am!

I wish I had footage of Clay Aiken's mom crying when he came out to her, which apparently took place 4 years ago when his bro was sent to Iraq.. I would've lost my shit.. I don't see HOW his fans/mother didn't see THAT one coming.. The world has been ranting about that since his first appearance on AI, sooooo... Now, all we need is Ricky Martin to get to it.. Rawrrr baby let it all out!

I'm stoked that Lindsay Lohan admitted to her relationship w/ Samantha Ronson, btw.. Another durr to that, but still.. She's not saying she's gay, just that she's in a relationship w/ another female. Word.. Hot business! The entertainment industry is getting mad comfy w/i themselves apparently, b/c everyone seems to be shouting their gayness from the heavens lately.. W/e, just make better movies...

Movies...videos... THE POINT OF THIS BLOG! To be honest, folks, I've been "productive" but noooot nearly as much as you prob think.. Online, that is.. I do write in my notebook etc but I'm talking about all the shit I've started on the computer/internet.. I'm trying not to be laaaaaaaaazy lazy, and I feel like I am.. I need more walking, more productivity.. More everything, less of w/e it is going on now.

My fmaily life is looking kinda up.. Yeah, Lu's in jail, but we are getting some things taken care of.. I like that. A lot. Aaaaaand I keep finding random motivation to do things, don't know what that's all about but it's not exactly a bad thing. I have a few pre-cursors to my goals, little things that have to be done and out of the way first, so that's what's going on now, I guess. I can't make everything fit into one or two categories of importance, gotta address them all w/ their own importance or I'll just let it all crumble. Can't have any of that, or I'll never be done.

It's sooo fucking frustrating, ya'll, I wish you knew. I want to jab my eyes w/ my favourite ink pen and be done w/ it. No help needed on that one, btw, so don't try and volunteer to do it for me.. I'm good, thanks! Just need a boatload of money and Brent's all-black beach cruiser.

Random, I know....

Oh, and btw.. I had like 6 vids almost completed and as SOON as Morgan showed up, the internet went all wacko on me.. Back to square one, which obv = Ground Zero.

I love you, SB!! Hooooold myyyyyy haaaaaand!!

2008-09-22T19:22:00.001-04:00

My Sarupy goodness, what EVER will we do w/ ourselves?? Curveball after curveball, eh?? The shit is ridicunuts..

And to top all of the gooey goodness off, Lu got sentenced to 120 days, 110 suspended, last week.. He's only got like 6 or 7 days left, and then he'll be back on the streets, running around as selfishly as he has been for the last, oh, forever maybe?? Thanks Ma. The gift of life that keeps on giving (sike).

This is why I'm pro-choice.

WHICH makes me ANTI-SARAH PALIN, LET ME STRESS THAT ONE SOME MORE...

That's not the only reason, you know my ass has done all the research possible. That's just the one I chose to list just then, as it fits into my rant..

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

OMFG.. SHAY... I'm sorry! Tomorrow I will have to swing thru and get the ball rollin' on this janky jank. Hi-laaaaaaaaarious.

Btw, loved Bill Clinton on The View this am.. So smart, so charming... So silver fox-y!

Wheeeeeeeeere were we.....

2008-09-22T18:14:00.005-04:00

Oh.. The part where I still have like 20 vids to put up, perhaps?? I totally could've done it over this past weekend, but I didn't have anything w/ me I would've needed, so... My baaaad..

Oh well.. If it's that important, record your own videos, haha.. I've got a lot of shit on my plate, including a serious change of priorities.. The end result of the plan is the same as the former, soooo why not just do what's quicker?? I'm running out of time here.. I'm almost __.

Ha, the number isn't 30, just so ya know.. That's not the death threat age to me, not in this case anyway.. It's the age I plan to be when I kill myself, lmmfao. If I let it all fall by the wayside, I will be ghoooooooost. Woooooooooooo!

Hm.. I dunno.. Lots of weak shit happened recently, like Clutch having to lay his bike down w/i the first week of having it b/c he/that dude are jackasses. Yeah, yeah, I know.. Bike accidents are serious/scary.. W/e.. He's alive.. And it's CLUTCH.. Anything horrible happening to him is always funny, b/c the dumbest shit happens to him. I have footage of him and Amber talking about it in the truck otw home.. Well, right before we left the scene...

BTW Dominic, omfg.. Your boy's boy... Rawrr.. Holy hot hell, he was cute as a bitch!! Good golly!! And he was packin' that HEAT.. Ooh la laaaaa... Too bad he doesn't go to the races.. That would almost be worth the shame in being out there in the first place. I've been twice, T-W-I-C-E this month, thank you Stevo and Amber. I don't think I've been that many times in two years.. Oh, no wait.. REBECCA, yeah, forgot about that Tim thing.. So I'm lying..

Did I mention that I went to his bday party?? Taaaaalk about RANDOM.. There's video from THAT, too, including Tim giving a DGAF shout out haha..

I love my life.. Well, the thing you all know as my life.. Jessica and a few others know the rest, esp all the downfalls, but it's all good, I'm not being the super procrastinator I ususally am, other than the videos, but they have no merit towards what I'm trying to do anyway.. That change of plans I spoke of, that is..

I know half of you think I'm not writing the book anymore/currently, but I def am.. I'm even starting to go a little further and make contacts.. It's going to be a tedious process, I'm sure, unless Plan AslashB works..

This is starting to make noooooo sense @ all, or @ least not to me, and I know exxxactly wtf I'm talking about!

Gosh..

Uhh, hm..

I really can't think of the... wtf is calling meeeeeewww it's Jason.. LOL.. J/k, homie..

Dammit, now I have NO fucking clue what I was going to say.. Oh, the actual topic of the blog... There is none, now, b/c I can't remember THAT, either.. N/m I def already covered it, it was the other plan.. I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to keep my feet on the ground for this one.. No giant dreams, only focus and patience. I feel like I'm running out of it, but not always.. Just when I'm reeeeeeeeeeally down. I haven't felt TOO hopeless lately.. Like I said, I'm still on the path, just trying to keep track of my own tracks, if that makes sense.. I want to do sooo many things, and if I think about them too much I get lost and start to stray, but I've gotten better @ reeling myself in, sooo...

Blah. Bliggity bloop blop.

!

So, there's a curveball in said path, and it is def indecision.. I can't make up my mind on what exactly is top priority b/c I get all excitable and just wanna run w/ things, and that's never good.. This blog is coming @ me so randomly, just stay w/ me, ok? LOL

If I had some help, it would be much easier, but none of my close friends NOW WHO'S CALLING ME... Oh, it's a text from the Ninja.. Awesome on that nug of info she just dropped me.. *golf clap* (it's real quiet around here)............

Shit.. Oh, yeah so anyway... LIGHTBULB! OMFG... N/M, I'M DONE...

THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW;

I'M FINE.

I'M ALIVE.

I LOVE YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU THINK I HATE YOU (HIM, NOT HER) BUT LOL ANYWAY.

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO SEE ME, UH, PHONE WORKS BOTH WAYS SO STFU.. 757 597 3622 JJJJJIC.

MUR IS TO BE ADDRESSED AS THE LITTLE MURMAID NOW W/ HER RED HAIR.

THE PATRIOTS LOST TO THE DOLPHINS..........?

THE 49ERS ARE 2-1.

I AM SPARTACUS.

YOU ARE NOT.

IF YOU, AS A WOMAN/HUMAN W/ THEIR OWN MIND (IF YOU ARRRE), HAVE ANY KIND OF FAITH IN SARAH PALIN AS A WOMAN/HUMAN W/ HER OWN MIND (IF SHE ISSS), YOU'RE A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT AND I WOULD LOVE IT IF YOU'D KINDLY DELETE YOURSELF OUT OF MY LIFE THANKS PREESH.

MY BOOBS HATE THEMSELVES AND I HATE THEM TOO.

FREE LU. AGAIN.

"And this Christmaaaaaaas... wiiiill beeeeee..

2008-09-16T13:41:00.006-04:00

A very special Christmaaaaaaaas..."

Fooooooor all of us.. Yes, even YOU TWO...

I thiiiiiiink I was @ Gmas when I said it, but I have declared that all bullshit shall be put aside @ the start of the holiday seasons.. Every year, we all hate each other and want to gouge each other's eyes out, or maybe set someone's first-born on fire (just me? ok well...), but then once the fall sets in, it's curtains on all the madness.. I don't know what it is, but that's just how it works.. Maybe it's b/c most of us don't have anywhere to be or anything to do, so why the hell not.. It's the most fucked up family, but it's still a family.. I don't want to see YOU everytime I do, but each time I want to vomit a little less.. Still playing the wounded vet card on this one, however lol..

It's just nice to have set in stone plans w/ people you care about.. Macaroni by the fireplace (that's never lit, but oh well), Holiday Lights @ the beach/Botanical Gardens, plus going on manhunts thru VB/Norfolk looking for awesome household displays... The seasons wouldn't be the same w/o it..

All I want this year (ssssike) is resolve for all of the bullshit, but that won't happen, so my seasons greetings will be marred by my SLIGHTLY waning reluctance to deal w/ everyone.. We'll see how it all goes..

We can sit and sip hot cocoa while I tell you about all the things you missed in your selfish absence..!

Kinda like how Morgan and I handled it..... :)

Oh my GOD, wtf...

2008-09-10T03:27:00.001-04:00

The last two weeks were kinda nutty, lol.. I have some awesome videos to share, just not right now b/c Stevo's ancient chinese secret computer doesn't have the slot I need.. Go figure..

Ahh.. Spending the night right before Hanna came thru was awesome.. Thanks again, holmes, I felt like I had Gmas all to myself.. Sleepin' ass bitch that Stevo is, he didn't even see daylight til almost 1..

Anyway, like I said there's mad weak ass stories to tell, esp last Fri.. Oh GOD.. Sorry, JJ, but some shit was goin' on haha.. I witnessed hella crazy shit, including Amber all wasted off a couple of Juiced janks.. Triz-ife tho, b/c I tasted the orange one and it tasted worse than all the other combined, which is saying a lot. Thems some nasty ass "beers"..

Speaking of which, congrats on the engagement, Clutch & Amber....

Say that w/ me... Clutch & Amber... Engaged. Really?? I 'bout lost it.. That's crazy.. Awesomely crazy?? They're gonna fight like the devil but it's w/e..

ANYWAY dammit.. I came here to jot some things down from blogger.. OHH sweet serenity, I've returned to my former writing ways, pen and paper like a mafaka! I never thought I'd want to do it that way, but it's been very relaxing.. I think the book will be done way faster now, plus I always have a way of looking @ anything I've done recently. It's bloody brilliant. Just keep your paws off of it. If I ever catch anyone reading anything inside, I'll seriously snap the fuck off. None of you, no matter the importance, will be able to. There's a cool mil in genius ideas on every page, esp the ones about _________. LOL.

It's a wrapski, son!

Ova!

Still my jam, for the record..

PS, uh, Jen? Thanks for the heart attack. I'll def be posting that in a bulletin sometime soon.

Cover me w/ kisses, baby...

2008-08-28T10:57:00.001-04:00

Cover me w/ looove...

[757-597-3622]

I love this man...

2008-08-28T10:26:00.003-04:00

Don't stop.. Thiiiiiinkin' about to-moooooorrow, don't stop, it'll soon be heeere!

It'll beeeee better than befooore.. Yesterday's gone, yeeeeeeesterday's gooone..

CLINTON! CLINTON! CLINTON!

God, everyone was so STOKED.. I want to be the president. Just so that one day, I can be a former Prezzz and get the warm welcoming that Bill gets in that opener..

I can do what he does.. Don't you think??

I wonder if Hillary ever looks @ Bill and thinks, "God, I can't wait til this is over so we can go hump." haha. Proooooobably not, but who knows for sure??

My dude has 'em amped, boy.. Did ya'll watch the DNC last night?? I didn't catch Billy Boy, soooooo I am now.. It's not that long of a video, just 24:47.. If you care, that is.

Which you should! If you're not gonna live a life of complete anarchy, you should care. I would remove my knuckle tats to care further, no bs. I'd get it re-done somewhere else, buuuuut lol..

Anyway just wanted to see who was paying attention to the future of their country.. We all know I'm a sucker for politics. So juicy/interesting. You don't know what you're missing, lol. Maybe I'll become a lobbyist or some shit.

Woo, Hil, the hair was haaaaaaaaaaaaarrible.

I put some pics from my bday up...

2008-08-27T11:58:00.001-04:00

So much more random shit happened, but I don't like interrupting real moments for the sake of a pic, esp when I remember it all anyway..

We saw mad people we hadn't seen in forever that just happened to be @ the beach, but they aren't celebs, I don't need to grab a quick pic to prove it haha..

We were the real stars, baby!!

Well, us and SCOOBY DOO!

Ugh, I had sooooo much fun, and soooo many strong/free drinks, lol. For those who either a. don't live in VA or b. do but don't go to the block, you def get a free shot from every bar on your bday.. I got quite a few, and half of them were TRIFE. As hell. I spit one back into the cup, and THEN took it, lmmfao.. I'm pretty sure that was @ Retro..

Thaaaaaat's where I ran into Mur and Dylan, he who spits the hot fiya! Hm yeah it was..

Anyway yeah there's some pics up like I said.. To all that I did see, ty and I loooove you.. To all the people COMPLAINING that I "didn't tell them what I was doing", uhh.. I did....kinda.. I said I'd be @ the beach/block.. That doesn't have to be specific, just means wait for me to pop up!

And I did!

"Stop me, oh ohhh stop meee...

2008-08-26T15:19:00.001-04:00

Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before...

Nothing's chaaaanged, I stiiiiiill looove yooouu.. Oh, I still loooooove you.. Only slightly, only slightly less than Iiii used to.... My looove.."

Still my mafakin' jam.. On the flight to WA I listened to it like 20 times in a row, no bullshit.. I wish there wou've been a repeat option on the lil headrest video jank cuz clicking on the song over and over got old real quick, lol.. It was fuckin' w/ my mellow, maaaannnn...

Btw, it was just the song, not the actual vid (which would've been cool).. The music was free to listen to so I was jammin.. It took everything in me not to stand up and just start gettin' it.. Esp since they had the entire Mark Ronson album on there.. Stop Me, Pretty Green, Amy, Just, Valerie, and Oh My God were on steady rotation.. I'd play them all, then Stop Me like 6 times..

This song stops me in my tracks everytime I hear it @ random.. Makes me want to jam in a NYC nightclub.. But only if it's the cinematic version where everything is perfect and I'm all in the groove, w/ my lover (Daniel Johns) groovin' w/ me.. Sweat everywhere, etc etc blah blah.. Lights going cuckoo.. All that good shit..

Oh, and in this version, I'm def skinny. Just to throw THAT out there.. If we're dreamin' big, let's reach for the stars, eh?

"Set me freeee, why don't you babe? Get out my life, why don't you babe.. Cuz you don't really love me, no, you just keeeep me hangin' on.. "

Which, I might add, is the way I feel about some of my friends.. In the friendly way, of course..

Sometimes you gotta set yourself free.. People get comfortable having you around, and then it's just that. It's comfy, cushy, whatever. But is it friendship?

Walking away from people that are dear to you is never an easy task, but fuck it.. I can't think of too much in my life that IS coming to me easily, so why not? Even if it's just for a short period of time.. Just make sure that it's ENOUGH time, more for yourself than the other person @ that.. Waiting on someone else to change is a trying experience, trust and believe. I've been doing that for a grip, or I was until last week..

Talk about "careful what you wish for"... Change isn't always for the best (sorry Obama, lol), so don't hold your breath when you feel the earth start to shift. That's prob the best time to start running in the other direction.

True story...

2008-08-26T13:46:00.001-04:00

This is how child molesters are spawned. Blame it on the media.

I can sooooooooooooo specifically remember talking to ASH IDE (omfg Jen.. love getting old b/c that was def like, '01) about wack-ass Dream Street, amongst other boybands that were supposed to "take over".. Def said that their wannabe Nick Carter was the only one of them that could sing/was "cute" (in a kid way, it wasn't THAT serious, triiife)..

However, they shoulda cuffed me then, cuz the next time I paid any attention to anything having to do w/ DS was when Jesse McCartney came out w/ Beautiful Soul.. Aaaaaaaand Dez, I know you remember how many times that shit got played in MA, lmmfao.. But you're older than me, so that made you the bigger Chester, haha..

"Baby, do you think you could want me too?...."

Nnnnnnnnot legally?? Not yet anyway...

Aaaand then, there was Right Where You Want Me.. I MUST find the blogs from both videos, prob on LiveJournal (esp for the BS one), b/c I want to see what pervacious things I had to say.. I know when the vid aired I was like, "Really, cuz right where I want you is 18....." jeeeeeez.

"Baby, don't be gentle.. I can handle anything..."

As long as that includes the trial and potential jail time.. Altho he was def 18 @ the time.. Wow, can you read yourself, Lisa?? Wtf are you saying!?!?

But I digress... The point issssssss (yes, there is one), don't be sleepin' on my future restraining order! He's actually a pretty good writer (Bleeding Love, anyone?) and I dgaf what anyone says cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuz we'regonnagetmarriedandhavelotsofbabiesalmostasoldastheirdaddyandit'sgonnabethebestlifeeverandever♥AAAAAAAAAAMEN!

Btw...

2008-08-25T22:46:00.002-04:00

I've had soooooo much fun lately, even thru all the bullshit that I'm going thru.. I eradicated a lot of drama, kinda trimmin' the fat, so WATCH OUT.. You could be next, lol.. My life is drama dipped in shit, rinsed in tears and dried w/ the steam coming off of my brain..

But!

Buuuuuut!

Everythings gonna be alright...........♥

I shall discuss more later...!

It's getting to that point...

2008-08-25T22:20:00.005-04:00

Now, I've been talking about this kid (eek!) since fo eva.. But now??

Lawd..

As if this wasn't enough for me to be join the Baby-Sitter's Club;

He had to go and do this;

I thought I was going to hate it.. Guuueeeeeessssss not.. I always hated his cover of Robin Thicke - The Stupid Things, but that's b/c it was so clean/white-washed. The T-Pain cover was basically in the same grain.. If he re-did it, it would prob be more to my liking.. Yanno, now that he's "grown"..

Mm...♥

I ♥ you, Flapjack...

2008-08-21T11:05:00.000-04:00

One of the only constants in my life... I give up on trying to keep anything else.. Friends, shelter... lol

Goddamn..

Dream On... waaaaaaaaaahhhhh (that's the HBO noise)...

2008-08-17T22:21:00.008-04:00

Normally, I love my dreams. Adoooooooore them. Only lately, those dreams I awaken to seem to be more like nightmares. Not of epic proportion, but still. Epic to my family.

And somehow, still, KNOWING that I have a lot of shit going on, people feel the need to antagonize me..

SORRY that I'm not all wrapped up in your sordid affairs like everyone else "in the know" seem to be.. I dgaf about anything going on in ANYONE'S life, I don't care..

If you really really really miss me, awesome, me too, now FUCK OFF.. That sounds harsh as hell but like I said, I dgaf.. The other night was a prime example of a bunch of people who need to get over themselves.. I was surrounded by people who "care", just not enough to be a real friend like they used to be.. Someone recently said to me that I've done a complete 360, personality-wise..

Uhh, says who... YOU!? Oh, maybe the both of you, in some sweet, loving, vomit-inducing, treacherous imbrace.. I've changed only in the sense that I am keeping good on the promises I make/have made to myself.. Something seem a little off to you? My bad, just the realness seeping thru, I suppose..

Everyone who's made a complaint about me recently is more than likely somebody who doesn't really know me.. Like, they KNOW me, but they obv don't knoooooowwwwwwww me.. Look around, look @ us.. If the nature of our friendship coasts along b/c of something I do, but you don't know that, then you're one of those people.. W/e you percieved me as from the gate, let it be known that it was my doing.. No one sees a diff side of me by accident, let that also be known.. Whoever you think I am, it's b/c of me, not just what you've "observed", b/c I know you're watching. I always do, don't ever think you K-N-O-W -M-E, not like THAT, not enough to let the balance of power fall towards you. Everyone can get the fuck over themselves, esp anyone who thinks their friendship isn't expendable.. I can live w/o each and every fucking one of you if I have to, I'd just like you to know that. All the games are over. You want me? Come and get me.

Actually, I'd LOVE IT if you'd really try and "get" me.. That would be MUUUUCH PREESH'D...

If you're currently living in a series of lies that you don't think I know about, this def includes you. I looooooooo-oooooooo-ooooooove all the people who STILL don't get it, don't realize that I had them @ HELLO...

I've been sitting back, stockpiling the lies, even new ones from other places.. Oh, my! What have you DONE!?!

*chuckles*

It's funny, I thought it was just a phase, but looking back, this has aaaaaaaalways been your thing.. The deception for naught, everything.. Winter of '04, a friend of ours fell out w/ you after agreeing to a comment I made to you in a text.. Remember that?? That was the first time I pulled your card as far as your lightswitch personality/friendship goes.. So technically, you've been this way all along, I just let it go every time.. Buuuuuuuuuut now, esp w/ more important things to worry about, it proves itself to be soooo not worth any of it..

ANY.

Call it a wrap.

PS, that whole thing obv wasn't for just one person. Disect and decide, then go about your day, and I shall do the same.

♥s and flowers, bitch.

Love ya, MEAN IT! :D

R.I.P. Bernie Mac... :(

2008-08-09T14:31:00.001-04:00

Seriously, he was one of the best comedians to ever walk the earth.. I really wanted to meet him... AAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!

Who needs dreams?? All the people I want to meet are fucking dying/dead, THANKS BRAD BARRON RENFRO, MOST DEF DIDN'T NEED THAT IN MY LIFE..

OMFG.. BEEEEEEERRRRRRNIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!

Myke and I were JUST talking about him right before we went to bed.. Apart, thanks, jic...

We were doing the retarded kid bit from KOC, w/ the bus driver etc.. He's one of the main reasons I just say what the fuck I want to say.. He made it in spite of his brutal honesty/realness, and I will too.. Fuck that..

So strange, I was juuuuuust pre-blogging in my head downstairs, and it ties into that theme.. In honor of my nigga Bernie Mac, I plan to stand said ground always.

Rest in peace, man...

Your predilection to predisposing yourself...

2008-07-11T20:47:00.000-04:00

to the inevitable is completely preposterous. Why...?

It was a premonition that prematurely opened my eyes to what became the truth of the matter..

The preaxial placement of this person before me is just what the doctor ordered. It's like a diabetic patient that can't cut the sugar. You know it's bad, you know you really don't need it, you just want it.

Do you know what PRESUMPTION OF FACT means...?

: a presumption founded on a previous experience or on general knowledge of a connection between a known fact and one inferred from it :

I hope that by the grace of God, that made some sort of sense to you. The writing's on the wall, in full color and detail. I predict, however, a complete sense of "WTF"...

Oh, and when we have that moment you wanted last night, don't fail to mention that it all started w/ the paranoia over my supposed preference of her over you.

What it all boils down to is....

This Girl's Life.

2008-07-03T02:41:00.000-04:00

Yeah, let me tell you about myyyyy fucking life right now. Horrible. The only thing good that came from tonight is the fact that the ONE person I never ever want to rely on just so happened to flake on me..

A mere two weeks after I initially let them know they were a flake..

But this has nothing to do w/ that.. Nothing @ all.

In fact, I'm not even gonna unfurl that ball of WHAT THE FUCK on you... Just sit in wonder..

But you have gooooooooooooootttttttttttttt to be fucking kidding me.. I haven't even said anything about LU going to jail about a month ago...

Guess who's coming to dinner...?? And only if by dinner, you mean 3 hots and a cot..

_____________________________________________2784362675786839264r8936297458465r43QWERTYr5ew7r8ew7r86ew87r68ew6r78432784311quojace...

DID ALL OF THAT JUST HAPPEN??? WEEEEEEE DAWGY...

That's how I know the book will be great..

CANNOT BELIEEEEEVE that bitch cop told me I wasn't smart... I was like, FOOOOOR THE RECORD, I'M DEF SMARTER THAN ALL 4 OF YOU, THANKS, INCLUDING THE DETECTIVE..

Remember, not fuckwitable...!

OMFG.. THE SHIT I GO THRU BETTER AMOUNT TO SOMETHING...

THE PEOPLE I DEAL W/ BETTER MAKE THEMSELVES RELEVANT B/C I CAN SEE THE KNOT LOOSENING W/ A LOT OF FUCKING PEOPLE, ALSO HAVING NOTHING TO DO W/ THIS, BUT STILL.. WHAT BETTER TIME???

"...But a whore in the sheets..."

2008-07-03T02:24:00.000-04:00

Your number two tells you they're pregnant, you say?
-- LMMFAO.. BOY..

Your parents tell you they're moving to Mexico, you say?
-- Hold up, lemme grab my bag..

If you could change your eye color would you?
-- I dunno, never thought about having diff color eyes..

Ever kissed anyone on your top friends?
-- Yes.

What is the biggest secret you know about your 2nd in your top friends?
-- LMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMFAO... WHAT IS IT!?!? DOOOOOOOOO TELL.

Last person you told a secret to?
-- No clue. Was it really a secret tho??

Are you mad at anyone?
-- Not mad, just over them. Fully 100000000000%, sep seats on a flight to WA over them. I'm almost ready to give up Frosted FLAKES, that's how over them I am.

What are you listening to at the moment?
-- The truth of that last statement ringing in my ears.

Ever made someone cry?
-- "And I love it... YEAH!"

How was your day?
-- So far nothing has happened, lol.. However I def saw Harold & Kumar last night w/ Jess, Dino, and his boy.. MAD weak.

When was the last time you cried?
-- Don't remember, wasn't that long ago however.

Do you hate anyone?
-- I hate the version of certain people that is given to me. I'll neverrrr settle for that bullshit.

Do you enjoy Taco Bell or Del Taco?
-- Both. They enjoy clinging to my pooch.

Last phone call received?
-- Mi madre..

What are you wearing on your feet?
-- ADiDAS FLiP FLOPS THE HUBBY B0UGHT ME. <---- LOL aw.. I have on black socks and Adidas flip-flops..

What are you doing today?
-- Working, prob go kick it w/ some friends and end my night asleep @ Lesner w/ Jess, lol.. Or something else waaaayyyy random like that..

Did you hurt yourself today?
-- No. I don't hurt myself that often.

What are you doing this weekend?
-- Going to a kid's bday party @ Chuck E. Cheese on Sat!!! Fuckin' stooooked about that, haha..

Who did you last get into a big argument with?
-- THE HUSBAND ; HE ALWAYS GETS iT. <--- HA. The "Wife", but she's too much of a pussy to carry on an adult conversation. Needless to say, the papers are signed.

Are you typically a jealous person?
-- Someone thinks so, but someone doesn't know anything about anything, why would that be correct??

Have you ever seen your best friend cry?
-- Not enough.

Is it easy to annoy you?
-- The only annoyances that last w/ me are ignorance and lies.. IGNORANCE & LIES... Not a way of life, but some people carry it that way.

Are there certain things that can't be joked about, if anything?
-- And I know all of those things. Key items when you're in my business.

Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend?
-- I tried the other day, b/c I knew that would've been the saving grace in our friendship, but like I stated before.........

Have you ever been burnt by a weird object?
-- LMMMMMMMMMMFAO ODDLY ENOUGH... I def burned JASON'S nipple to the point of blistering last night w/ fishing wire.

If you could get back in touch with one person you've lost touch with, who would that be?
-- Lauren, 2 years ago before she became a cunt. Breaking up w/ Clutch was supposed to RELAX you, dumb ass.

Do you have unlimited texts?
-- Yes.

Ever call somebody boo?
-- Only 2 people, Nicky, and her son Canyon. Those are my boos.

Last time you had a sleepover?
-- Gmas every other weekend basically. Uuuuuuuntil now.

Think a lot before you fall asleep?
-- Yes!! OMFG!! I'm always trying to explain to people that when I pass out, it's b/c I was in heavy thought and can't stand to be talked to when I am.. So I just let it drift me out. Jess is the same way.

Did you have a good day yesterday?
-- Sure did, got off work and said what up to BJ.. Then I went and kicked it @ Jason's from like 5-9:45, which included the burning of his nips, Jessika's BRILLIANT timing, and her cooking.. Mm.. PLUUUUUUSSSSSSSS his Ma showed Jess and I her jiggly rump shakin' action, which rocked. Your mom has a donk, homie! HAHA.. Then SARUP came and drove us to Harold & Kumar @ Cinema, where we met up w/ Dino.. On the way, we were behind my bro so we honked like 32578768 times, not knowing there was a cop diiiiirectly behind us.. Def followed us up Witchduck and damn near to the theater.

Are you wearing socks?
-- Black ones w/ a lil bitty hole.

What's the last thing you ate?
-- CURRENTLY EATiNG A LiCK-A-COL0R POPSiCLE <3 <--- DEF WANT ONE, THANKS.

Last movie you watched?
-- Harold & Kumar.. Actually def passed out to Jersey Girl last night..

Do you shower facing the shower head or with your back to it?
-- Facing, ew.

Do you have anything in your pockets right now?
-- Cherry Chapstick..

How many windows are open on your computer?
-- Dos.

How many hours did you sleep last night?.
-- Enough.. Like 5-6 hours..

Is something bothering you right now?
-- You would think so, w/ the way I've been answering, but I feel fine and dandy.

Are you sarcastic?
-- That's just me. Somehow tho, everyone who claims to get that always ends up w/ a hurt pussy.

In the past week have you felt stupid?
-- I've felt like people were trying to PLAY ME for stupid, but other than that, no. Geniuses rarely do.

In the past week have you watched cartoons?
-- Uh, yeah. Case Closed! Det. Conan Edogawa!

What were you doing at 9 am this morning?
-- Takin' a piss.

Did you give anyone a dirty look today?
-- Not yet.

In the past week have you felt sad? Why?
-- I was saddened by the loss of a friendship, but if you think about it, the loss of a friendship by someone else's carelessness really isn't anything to get worked up over. If you don't give a damn, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK..

What was the last thing that made you laugh?
-- Me, duh.

Favorite animal?
-- CHEETAH. <--- Cheetahs and LIEons, lol..

Keep on climbing, you'll make it to the top someday.

I'm not gonna wriiiite you a love blog...

2008-06-20T18:13:00.004-04:00

Cuz I couldn't gaf less about half of you, haha.. J/k..

Hellooooooo, cruel world! Cruel to you, tho, not to me.. Not like I'm rakin' in dolo or anything like that, but cot dayum, I do have a lot of fun.. I've been to a DGAF and a KMK show, ran all over VA doing the dumbest shit.. I dunno.. You'd have to have been there.. ALTHO I do have some form of a video update to let everyone know for REAL what I've been up to.. That's on the backburner but it's coming.. I just thought of it the other day..

Uhh.. I feel like I'm letting people down, lol. I haven't blogged since the 4th, and before that, who knows?? Time is just flying by, good gaaaawd..

OHH SHIT, DEF JUST THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO WRITE ABOUT BUUUT I GOTTA RUN TO JASON'S.. I may get on there before I forget, or do it in my phone.. EITHER WAY, mhm, some shit is comin'..

K so it's Sat morning, ended up @ a keg party and then Denny's, lol..

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF THE WOODWORK NOW THAT IT'S SUMMERTIME...

NOW THAT IT'S SUMMERTIME...

NOW.... THAT IT'S SUMMERTIME.

FUCK you.

This is to good friends and casual friends alike.. I am NOT a fucking hobby, I'm not your summer timeshare.. You don't want to kick it w/ me? Well, fuck you. There are people that I love to DEATH that I've absolutely given up on, and have no plans on turning back. Esp not by my own volition. So much has to be proven @ this point.. I don't want to hear about who misses me, or why they haven't seen me....

I KNOW VIRGINIA BEACH, NOT JUST THE PEOPLE, THE PLACE, PERIOD. Where you've been, someone has already told me.. It's ok tho, cuz I haven't gaf about you since the last time I told you I didn't, only reason this is on my mind is b/c, like I said, a couple people have hit me up.. No hard feelings, I'm just not going to invest my time and energy into the pretense of friendship..

Having said that, I DO appreciate all the people that realize how fucking awesome I am to be around.. Not like IIII haven't blown anybody off recently, but yanno.. When you're also known as THE SHIT, you can do that.. If you text them, they will come.

Sigh.

Ahhh, SO many awesome things I want to talk about, and actually have some time to, but NOW I want to do the other plan, so I'm like, eh..

Hoooooooow-FUCKING-EVERRRRRRR

A certain someone just loooooves to give me shit over a person I hang w/, MEANWHILE, his boy is having an extra-marital affair w/ one of his best friend's wives.. Get off your fucking HIGH horse! if you're so concerned about the people you have around you, stop hanging around grimey people, you fucking WAD..

Don't make me slap you.. I take it that the last time you mentioned it REALLY will be the last??? I dgaf WHAT you say about anyone else b/c I've met a lot of shifty people thru you ANYWAY...

Everyone's got an opinion, no one realizes that I DGAF about theirs. Mine are what matters to me, b/c mine are the most thoroughly researched. People just open their mouth and spout off the dumbest shit. I want to *HEELKICK* like 40 people, straight up.. I've gone thru great lengths this year to show everyone just how little I need them or their company.. Feel a little bit of the cold shoulder?? More than likely, that was my intent. Watch me live and breathe w/o you, please thanks..

And speeeeeeeeaking of which...! Speaking of not being able to live and breathe w/o someone...

Augh!

I'm not. I won't.

Ok, I will, but not right now.........!

You better say something before Iiiiiii doooooo! Paranoid Android that you are...

Cha cha cha... CHARMIN!

K now that I'm not making ANY sense (altho most of you have BEEN lost), I guess I'll stop.. I know you want more (narscy) but you'll just have to wait...

"I've got mooooves that you've never seen!"

I know it seems that things are really gettin' better..

2008-06-04T21:53:00.006-04:00

In my liiife..

Ah, well.. Life is def getting more and more awesome as the months go by. I don't have tooooooooooooooo many (siiiiike) complaints about '08.. I've talked to a LOOOOOT of random ass people, kicked it in THE weirdest places.. Gotten PICKED UP @ the most random places.. Seen some Karate Kid shit @ Lesner.. Trust, def got myself a lil video.. So awkward..

It would seriously take me fucking DAYS AND DAYS to tell you what's happened in the last two months.. Even w/ Jessica helping, b/c she was def involved in most of it.. Holy buttnuts, I love/(mini-hate) my life.. It's for real this time..

Orrrrrr, is that the illusion?? I bet it is. Hooowever, I've been battling the bumps w/ more style and aplomb, sooo.. I've got the faith in me, oh yes oh yes!!

.o0(I won't abuse it. I love it. I gotcha!)

I just came to a wonderful conclusion.. I have to do this. I have to keep going, or it'll never happen. If I really want it like I say I do, and I reeeeally do, I've got to staaaay serious.. Ted Jan, I know you feel me.. You're the Voice Note guy, haha.. So really, since there's actually a plan behind this, I'm not really coming to the conclusion, I'm just stamping it, I guess.. But something that happened recently made me think about some shit..

Well, hell.

Anyway, yeah yeah, I'm writing again, like I said.. I'm going everywhere and nowhere, all @ once. Ugh. I want to throw up all over myself when I think about that book getting finished. I refuse to stop, can't let this become one of many bullshit procrastinations.. Must keep cliiiiiimbiiiiiiiing ooooooon to thuuuhhh clooooouuuuds..

Hm. I'm going to jump away from all of this reeeeeally quick..

Sarah (as in, from MA), doooooooooooo NOT give my idea away for some T-shirt bs website.. Please don't tell me it's T-shirt Hell, I may kill myself. I def, def, deeeeeefffffff would have to pump your guts fulla lead..!

LOL.

Buuut for real. LOL.

I'm ending it just like that, so pure and random.

PPS, so much for the end. Hoooooow many of you are hoping to GOD I upload w/e video it is that you're in that you really want to see on YouTube!?

Well, fuck you, haha!

I'm on my time, suckabob.

PPPS, KMK is most def NEXT WEEK. Norfolk and Richmond. No excuses, be there, orrrrrr suffer thru me and Brandi for a week straight...

It's on you, pups.

PPPPS I'M THE SMARTEST BITCH IN THE FUCKING WORLD. CONTAINMENT IS BECOMING AN ISSUE.

PPPPPPPPPSSSSSSSSSSS I KNEEEEEWWWWWWWW YA'LL WERE FUCKING... LMMMMMMMMMFAAAAAAOOOOOO I JUST LOVE ME A GOOD SCANDAL...

LMMMMMMFAO I AM DYYYYYYIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG INSIDE AND OUT, I ALWAYS KNOW, I'M ALWAYS RIGHT.

If you bet, put your money on ME!

Good fucking GOD...

2008-05-18T02:37:00.003-04:00

When I truly have the time, I have so much to say, lmfao.. Hooowever, def have mad videos sooo...

I dunno, life's been one surprise after another and it just goes on and on.. It's the normality of things that strike ME as odd.. Everyone wants to be so shocking, so thrilling.. Bitch, bring it on.. I've seen it, I've heard it, I've DONE it... Unless it's that 'ol bullshit, cuz I save that for special occasions..

Tonight was weak as a bitch.. Of course, my curse kicked in.. A few undefeated rounds of beer pong and a super-chill stance on life and then BAM... Drama ensued like it always does when I'm chillin' that supremely.. Oh fucking well, I guess no one gaf about MEEEEEEEE NOT GAF..

GRACIOUS!

But anyway, b/c I don't want you to think I've been having a rotten time... Life as a whole has been fucking splendid.. I've been to some great parties, chilled w/ a looooot of old and new people in my life.. I dunno.. It's not perfect, but it's not weighing me down @ the current moment. Of course, this is the moment where I look back and wish I'd never said anything, b/c shit just flips me on my ass when I'm happy.. There's some deep-rooted things to be unhappy over so I think I'm in the clear.. Just gotta maintain a level of humility (even tho it's all-too obvious that I'm the shit) and keep on truckin...

Oooohhhhh this comm'l just reminded me.. Three for three w/ Brent.. We saw Iron Man it's first Sat, Speed Racer that Friday, and then we went to the midnight showing Thursday for Prince Caspien.. Don't believe the bs, people. Speed Racer was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.. Colors like that only exist in my dreams, in my imagination.... Or, so I thought.. It was fantastic.. Of course, all the family moments, etc, I was passed out. I can't do it, esp when I'm fucked up..!

I haven't seen certain people, but I'm not gonna fret over it.. Like I always say, it is what it is! See ya when I see ya, right? Isn't that how that goes? Word.

Hm what eeeeeeellllllllssssssssseeeeeeeeeeewwwww omfg I have SOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING MANY PICTURES TO UPLOAD ETC.. And remember, I'm already iiiiiiiinnnnnnnnn the hole when it comes to pics.. FUCK. I haven't been online really tho, esp not where I can just get down on the shit and get it done! FUCK..!!! I need to do this, seriously... Here we go again! Hell, @ least I started writing again.. It seriously was like, weeks since I'd written something I'd pass into the book..

Hooooowwwwwwwwwever, Jake's awesome compliments on my vocabulary and writing the other night meant a lot to me, which in turn gave me motivation to write more and more.. Not like, he inspired me to complete the book etc on some 'ol Jenn-ay shit but just made me think about how many things I had to say and needed to get down before I forgot..

Uh shit, what else.. A ridiculous amount, so I think I'm just gonna end it on a kiss, just like ___ wants to.. Haha.. What a wonderful woooooooorrrrrrrrrllllllllllddddd..

I'd really love for it to be fall right now.. Autum would be a blessing.. I'm closing in on my goals (no, the books' not done, fuck off) and closing out the crapola.. There are still females that drive me up the fucking wall w/ their neurotic behaviour, but that's just going to be a part of life, soooo...

UNLESSSSSSSSSS..........

K, yeah I am def mad tired and rambling.. Goodbyeeeeeee..

Sike. I just might end up in a few rounds of Mario Kart for the Wii. Bomb diggity, lemme tell you..

PS PLEEEEEEEEEEASE GOD FORCE ME TO COPY/PASTE THE FILES NOW.. I can thumb them later so yeah, maybe I will.. It's gonna take every driblet of space on this bitch tho, maybe I can hold out a little longer....?

The VIDEOS, however, need a quick and speedy trial.

Ugh.

Sooooooo Iron Man was the shit, right....

2008-05-03T15:53:00.003-04:00

But this isn't about Iron Man, or people w/ iron will. This is about the weak people who don't know when to fuckin' quit..

Ohh, boy.. I hit a little moment where I didn't have too much to say, didn't feel like writing..

TIME'S UP ON THAT, THANKS GUYS! Your ignorance is awe-inspiring. Not just that, but your general ways of life.... Yeeeeeeaaaahhhhhh, got lots of things to talk about NOW.

Hm, to take back some of the credit, I had plenty to write about, just lacked the motivation to do so. Never had enough time to reeeeeally say anything.. But now?? I've got a bushel of ideas and I'm in the process of getting them out.. I'm almost afraid of my brilliance, haha.. As narcissistic as that sounds, I dgaf..

"Take a look insiiiiide my miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnndddd..."

Someone paid me an insanely awesome compliment recently but that too shall wait for the book.. Just wanted to mention it a little, I guess..

Hm, I've already lost interest in this..

All I really wanted to say is that I've had so much lately.. All this year, really.. So many people that I've chilled w/, in the most relaxing/cool ass atmospheres.. Lots of starry skies and dewy mornings.. A bunch of hilarious stories you'll hear someday, when I think to say something about it.. Also have a bunch of pics but don't I always?? I don't really care about all the people in them, so we'll see how many actually make it to MS..

Uhh, what else.. This isn't a very fun blog but it's all I have to say right now.. Some of you just leave me sooo speechless, I guess.......

Desperation is a hell of a drug.

When will I blog again??

2008-04-30T17:36:00.001-04:00

Not today.

However.....

Well, well, well...

2008-04-09T20:18:00.003-04:00

Look what we have here...

Haha.. Yeah, it's Dani.. Hollaaaaaaa!

Shit happens.. People change. Neither of us have, but that's besides the point..

Ooh, lawdy.. I've been lovin' life, esp lately.. I love work, even tho it's nowhere neeeeeaaaaaaarrrrrr a dream job. However, I'm told that I've far exceeded expectations w/ no prior experience, lmmfao.. Ask me if you want to know where.. Don't need niggas on the jock while on the clock! I can't even answer the phone, gotta be up in the BATHROOM and shit..

I spend most of my potty time recording voice notes for Lauren b/c I don't have time to tell her all that I want to..

Hm.. I still want to go to the beach and do the shit Marina was talking about.. I want a 2nd job, something to occupy my nights. I work days, 4pm being the latest I've walked out of there.. It's only been a week, not even, but it's worrrd. It's not killing me like I thought, so it's w/e.. I'm only in it for the benefits.. Couple check-ups and a nigga is OUTTA there.. Not w/o a backup plan, obv, but that's another reason to go to the beach! Plus, my Ma's friend works @ a dealership and might get me in there.. West wants me to work @ Target (her friend is a manager) but I'm nooooooot really feelin' that. The returns a-LOOOOOOONE.

Actually, my happy ass would prob love it, so hm.. Might have to shake the piss up a bit and pass me a test or two.. I dunno, my job is 20 mins away, so a quick 40 a day and a nigga is brillin...! The days are going faster and faster, I looove it..

Not only that, but I have a LAUNDRY LIST of things I DESP need sooooooo I can't wait til payday.. It's on like Donkey Kong..

Hm, what else.. OHHHHHHH SOOOOOOO... Sat night was allllllllright for fighting.. And by fighting, I mean RULING the beer pong table @ Vogels.. Holy SHIT, Jessica and I won like ten games straight, which was all that was played b/c we def emptied the fridge completely. At the end of the night, it felt like I'd had MAYBE 5-6 beers total.. Shut-outs, near shut-outs, it was just fantastical! We made SUCH a great time, and we have the best beer pong chemistry b/c we stay out of each other's way and we don't ride the other player if they miss a time or two (or three.. it happens!).. We both know how bad we want to win, and it just makes us that much more determined.. Winning for two is fun, lol.. JessiKa took lots of pics from that night, none of which are flattering to my fat ass but oh well.. There's also pics from beer pong @ my house, all of which I need to upload but God only knows when that will happen.. I'm not even WRITING, OMFG EWWWWW...

Please, cuss me the fuck out for that.. If I told TJ that (altho obv he knows now) he would cuss me up and down.. But it's not for naught! I've just been busy, that's all.. I walk! Doesn't that count for something!??!

All of that was for Ted Jan, b/c those are the excuses I plan on giving me when he calls to ask why I'm not on my grind.. I just haven't felt that inspired lately..

WHICH btw is def a lie, b/c like a week ago I stole one of my fave novels ever, Rubyfruit Jungle by Rita Mae Brown.. Google it if you will. It has inspired me loooooaaaaaads, and I plan on writing about it. That's gonna be the Brick Breaker of knowledge that flows thru me.. After that, it'll all fall into place..

I actually know the real reason I haven't been writing, and it does have to do w/ inspiration, but none of a solid source.

Ugh. All of that sounds like a cop-out. The main thing really has been time, b/c btt I can actually get ready to write, I'm all tired and shit and just end up not doing it.. Aw, fudge. I really want to tho.. Just sitting here @ the keyboard makes me want to let a bunch of shit go, but this is all I got for ya right now.. It's ok tho, I'm still gonna come w/ that FIIIIIIIII-YA soooooo don't even worry about it..

BTW, b/c I can't stress this enough... BIG B, DIRTBALL, DGAF, POTLUCK ETC ETC ETCCCCCCCCC @ Peppermint Beach Club May 20th, be there orrrrrrr be them bum ass niggas that wish they'd been in attendance! Dylan is forsaking a trip to South Dakota (yikes!) for the show, so I know your ass can go.. That is, if you're into it.. Don't go just b/c I said so, altho some of you prob will, haha...

Um, I think that's all I have to say for right now.. I'm suddenly @ a loss for words.

Lest I forget...

2008-04-05T08:28:00.002-04:00

Maroon 5 is DEFINITELY coming the DAY AFTER my birthday, WHIIIIIIICH is my late husband's (Brad Renfro) birthday.

Maybe God is apologizing for taking him so soon??

Apology MOST DEF not accepted, if so.

Of course, b/c I said that, Adam Levine is gonna die in a firey bus crash and I'm gonna kill myself immediately afterwards.

DEF already taking that back, jic. If Brad can go, anythings possible in MY book.

But anyway, I reeeeally want to go to this, soooooooo.. Now that the 311 concert has been taken care of, who wants to buy me ANOTHER awesome-ass present??!

Any takers?? I mean, I'ma end up going regardless, but if you reeeeally loved me...

Btw, I'm watching that ep right now, lol.. I ♥ Chris Kirkpatrick, his voice is so cute lol..

MY SHINY TEETH ARE AWESOOOOOOOOOOME! LMMFAO..

I had a dream about you last night...

2008-04-04T12:39:00.007-04:00

Weird. It felt so real, too. Sooo real.

I still want make that mockumentary... Do you remember what I'm talking about? W/ the paparazzi shots, haha..

Very interesting..

What's more interesting is that in the dream, I told you about the moment that I realized when and why it all went sour, and the part that I played.. There was someone else there, but it wasn't in any kind of way significant, as this person would never be able to express themselves in the same way..

Two different levels..

Damn, I know exaaactly what I have to do, I just don't know if I want to do it..

I know what I want the outcome to be, and if it's anything other than that, I'll be highly annoyed.

Recently, I came to the conclusion that I will make amends w/ the world, let it be, and w/e happens from there, it just happens. Making amends doesn't = making friends, so it's not like I want people back into my life. I just want everything laid out in plain english and settled. Nothing to dwell on, no one to "hide" from, etc.

Soon as that happened, I was GOING to blog about it, but I never got around to it.. One of the people I immediately thought of afterwards hit me up days later.. I didn't want to do it after that b/c I didn't want it to seem contrived.. None of this is, that's why there are no specifics..

It is what it is, just like everything else.

I feel like I'm being buried alive.

2008-04-01T16:39:00.002-04:00

Under what? A mountain of pictures I need to edit and upload, a PLETHORA of notes and shit that need to be written properly into the book.. I don't eeeeeeeeven want to get into how slack I've been on that, omfg..

It's depressing.. I feel like I haven't written a goddamn thing altho I have.. It's just not enough, not NEARLY enough.. But I've also been pre-occupied w/ the dumbest shit ever, thus making it my fault. I'll get it together on my next boring weekend.. Last weekend I painted Lauren's walls, went to a Pork Pull, and did the family outing thing w/ Angel, etc..

This weekend has no concrete plans so far, so maybe it'll happen. I need a weekend @ Gmas to really get my head back into it.. There's always major distractions everywhere.. Either there, or Sarup's.. Only places in VA I feel like I can just write and write.. Gmas comes w/ a hitch tho - everyone usually needs to be asleep b/c they ask me a thousand ?s otherwise.. Not just about writing, but that, too. That, and the whole looking over the shoulder thing, which is a condition I simply CANNOT write in. I tense up so hardcore, esp when I'm blogging, lol.

Anywhere that happens is a no-no. Unless I give some sort of hint, staaaay away. I've stated this before, but it's always good to give a little refresher course..

Anywaysssss, I've been on so many random little adventures, and there's so many pics and stories I have yet to share.. Notice how there's been a lack of blogs in the past month, other than certain moments where I just let it out a little.. But I don't have many of the moment-by-moment ones, hm? It's not even like they're private moments or anything, I just haven't felt like talking about it..

Last night, however, will def have pics to show for.. I turned a friend of mine into a fuckin' Doodle Bear, haha.. Can't wait to get those up, but I have like 400+ pics as of right now, NOT INCLUDING THOSE, to deal w/ soooooo...

Yeah.. I let everything pile up and now I'm basically ignoring the pics and writing.. That's essentially what I'm trying to say, haha.

Fuckin' A.. At least I've been mostly sticking to my new lifestyle plans, eh Ted Jan!? He's so proud of me, I loooove it! It's always motivation.. MUSIC is motivation and he provided a way to always have the music.. I feel like a bloated Aladdin, and he's my tatooed Genie, lol..

Awesome.

Born For Battle Tour [oh, shit]

2008-03-27T17:56:00.000-04:00

Dates Coming Soon.

OMFG.. This meeeeeeeaaaaaannnnnssssss I'll DEF be hearing We Bad/PPPPimp, and if not, I will be QUICK to show my displeasure about the situation...

It's been like 5 tours since I've heard that shit LIVE...

I mean, Chucky was the only missing piece anyway b/c it'll just be them two, as far as who all is on the tour.. Oh no wait.. OMFG THAT MEEEEEEAAAAAANNNNNSSSSSSSS for only the THIRD TIME (surprisingly), Brandi and I will be jammin' to Dirt and SAINT if they do PPPPimp..

PS, I love how weird that looks in print. It makes sense when it's on, so fuck off.

No, this isn't that video. This is the video we SLEPT ON mad hard, and by that I mean we slept on DIRT mad hard... Aaaaaand now we're amped for Crook County's release like it's the 2nd coming..

PPS, the DGAF album is def a banger.. I haven't said anything about it b/c I was gonna post the vid from Brett's but oh well.. I still am, eventually.. Just know, niggas.

"MOMMY MOMMY PLEEEEEASE!?!?" [311]

2008-03-26T19:02:00.001-04:00

I KNOW WHAT I WANT FOR MY BIIIIIIIIRTHDAAAAAAY...

311 IS COMING ON THE EXACT SAME DATE THEY DID LAST YEAR, JULY 22ND, JUST TWOOOOOOOO DAAAAAAAAYS BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY.

SOOOOOOOOO....

OBV my main wish this year is a ticket. Ntm, Snoop Dogg is on the tour also, HOW FANTASTIC would that be!?!?

Let's do it, people. Get the funds together. And by that, I mean where's my goddamn gift lmmfao.. J/k, but not on the sneak tip. I really want to go!

7/22 Tues
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA
Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre
Pre-Sale 4/14
On-Sale 4/18
Box Office: 757-368-3000
Next Tix: 757-671-8100
www. livenation. com/venue/getVenue/venueId/1948

Faaaaaaaaantasticoooooooo!

I post that vid the most b/c it always fits my life. There are people currently trying to tread on my happiness, but those people aren't worth the price of admission, soooooo...

"Nothings come eeeasiiilyyyy, so don't you tread on meeee, cuz I will knock yoooouuu doooooowwwwnnnn!"

The best part about being deleted is...

2008-03-26T12:38:00.000-04:00

is being FULLY AWARE that the motherfuckers still read your blogs.

You fucking punks.

Stupid-ass, never gonna get ANYWHERE b/c you're LOST IN THE CIRCLE-ass, dramatic-ass people.

Fuck you and your "secrets". No one gives a fuck but you!!!

Stop being grimey and people will change their opinions on you, point blank period.

Reading my blog is staying in MY life, so how's about you turn your snobby ass noses the other way, kick fuckin' rocks and stay gone.

If this is what friendship is about, I'd rather die alone, just like you are MOST DEFINITELY going to.

This game has an outcome like no other. My plan B is bigger and better than your A, B, and C.

You're all fucking lame, HOW DID YOU CON ME INTO BEING YOUR FRIEND!!?!?

I got it all figured out tho, thanks, no help needed.

How can the hopeless help me?? I've got my own problems, but none on that scale. I know my own self-worth, and that's the most important thing of all.

Priceless, bitch, get on or get the fuck away from me.