If you're gonna look here, I'll start hiding my thoughts in this space again..

Oh, btw...

Remember how I said I'm trying to take steps forward as far as like, taking better care of myself/my life etc.. Health-wise esp??

Yeah. I have two evaluations coming up, on the 4th & 5th. I'd be lying to say I'm not thinking about it a liiil too much, but there's a lot riding on them. A looooot. I'm just glad I don't have to lie about anything, cuz we all know I'm certifiable.

I just hope I don't break down or anything like that. I mean, it'll prob help me out in the long run, but I don't want to look like a punk. I cried @ Social Services once, poor me. But it helped, so.. Hm, maybe I should try and get the water works flowing... It seems to be the best bet w/ these kind of people..

If all goes well, my life is going to change drastically. It would take a few months, but once it rains, it's going to pour.. I could actually end up happy! Like, I'm happy right now, right this instance, don't get me wrong. There's just certain things that I've gooooot to have, and ooooooohhh what a wonderful world it'll be if I get them. WE'LL be two loopy bitches, I know that much. I've got everything from my fingers to my b-hole crossed @ this point. I'm still on track w/ my paperwork, not letting it go too long w/o being filled/sent back etc.. Something is going good. It's weird, def a first in life for me.

I wish my phone was going to be fixed before the appts, I'd love to record some of it, audio-wise. Another thing that could happen is I could start lmao for no reason, like people in my family tend to do. Lu and I esp, we start geekin' out of nowhere, which doesn't help when you're telling someone something b/c then they think you're lying b/c of how cheesy the grins we give are. Lu gets mad when it happens but it doesn't matter b/c he's smiling so hard that you think he's fuckin' w/ you. Not the worse burden to bear, but def odd.

Oh, also... I've noticed that my smile creases are deeper than usual. My face is slightly thinner which prob adds to it, but it's also a family trait from my Ma.. Lu's had them since forever, and he has little ones and big ones. So cute, aw.. I want to kick it w/ him sometime soon.. I think my Ma is cooking for Xmas so I guess I'll be over there.. I can't miss my nephew's first Xmas, def not. My Ma would never stfu about it if I did.

Ahhh um let's see, I think that's all I wanted to talk about. I think Adam and I are gonna head to Wal-Mart to look @ crock pots. You're more than welcome to join us, lol.

I can't believe it's

almost Christmas.. Isn't that insane?? Did this year fly for you like it seems to have done for me??

It's not like my year was filled w/ soooo many things.. Not that it WASN'T, but you know.. BFE can only offer so much to do, lol. Get high or die. Whaaaaaat.....

What's everyone doing for Xmas?? I hope Dec goes better this year than it did last year.. I had a few saviors but I don't think I can count them all in this time around..

I just want to look @ lights, man.. Megan, where you be @?!? It's tiiiiiiime, it's tiiiiiiime!

I saw my first set of post-Thanksgiving lights last night. They even had the gaudy leg lamp in the window.. Tell me you know where it's from..

OMFG I just got sooo cold, wth. Maybe my soul has a leak :( haha how emo..

Um..

I don't know what to say. I had something to say but as usual, I forgot. I know that it's Sunday and kickoff is in like 3 minutes, so yeah.. Go Niners!! Straight to hell, in fact. WIN A FUCKING GAME ALREADY! We started out so promising, boooo hooooo! I'm OVER IT. I feel like JESSICA right now, haha.. (Go Browns!) Can a bitch feel victorious for once?? I live w/ a fucking COLTS fan, this is getting old! At least the Raiders still suck, works for me! Now I just need a complete collapse of the Cardinals and I'm Guuuuuuuucci...

Brr, there goes that chill again..

Anyone go shopping on Black Friday??

dksjgnkdgnksghnsklglkshg

I want something to do. Right now. Man, oh man, I am booooorrrrrred. I did get to watch Addams Family Values earlier, so I got to jam out to the Turkey song that I've been obsessed w/ since the movie first came out.. I also watched A Boy Named Charlie Brown, looove it. Missed it last night but it came on today. I did not however miss Snoopy, Come Home. I was perfectly depressed when it came on, riding a waaaaaave of anxiety that went away w/ the help of a secret weapon. Ty, ty.

Now, I just need to ____________________________________ and I'll be glooooorious.

I'm sorry that Myspace got all the good blogs,

dear friend.. Just didn't have the time, lol.

No Doubt is def the best everrrr...

'Excuse Me Mr.' is fucking classic... Jeeeesus, lol. 'Sunday Morning', too.

I wish you could buy new skin.. I'd get song lyrics all over and switch'em like a damn phone, lol..

There are soo many songs that express how I feel, and have felt over the past week. I can't have a fave song longer than a week sometimes, there's just too many random life experiences for all that, yanno??

I feel like I've been moody, but it's b/c the anxiety starts to swell and all that happens around me is happening while I'm in the midst of freaking out, lol. It's all so stupid.

It's ALL sooo stupid. OMG.. I wanna write a "ME" blog, which everyone keeps complaining that I haven't in a while.. I dunno, if we talk, you hear the fresh news lol..

I'm def cheating ya'll, cuz some funny shit has happened but I seem to have lost my ability to record said events.. I talked to Stevo on the phone the other day for like 4-5 hours, and that was fantastic.. He brought up all the vids we shot @ Gmas, and all the stupid shit we used to do. It's sad that something so recent is just another "those days" story now.. We all miss Gmas.. We need it. Things were falling apart while we were there, but it didn't unravel for real until that was all over.. Even if there were petty lil secret thangs goin' on there, it didn't matter as much as we did to each other..

Some people, I feel like I'll never see again. Not always a bad thing, but not always good, either.

Pause, my fuckin' back hurts. You just don't know. I've been standing since I got up... Sonuvabitch, man. Plus the cold makes it worse.. I think my Ma is getting me a new jacket tomorrow. Or she's going to try to, anyway..

I'm about to be on some G shit here soon, but I'm not telling you what that entails. You either know, or you're gonna find out. I just hope not via the news media, lol..

Gwen is slayin' my soul right now, omfg.. Simple Kind Of Life is on, looove this song so much.. Always have.. Makes me think of someone from many me's ago. snifflesniffle.

Aaaaanyway, I hope all is well.. I really want to get up w/ a lot of you and do the whole Xmas light thing, we gotta get that jumpin, son!! It's not Xmas w/o the lights, haha.. Story of the year!

Uhh, damn.. How you hos doin?? I'm one to talk, the way I've been acting lately, lol.. Like Brandi and I used to aaaalways say... "Shh, don't teeelll nobody!" :)

"And iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's all yooooooooour fault....."

I want to hear 'Bad Romance' now, wtf.. Amanda, I know you're about to dl that, riiiiiight!?!? Wooouuuld if I could. Matter of fact, I DID dl it b/c you said something about it in the kithen that day, I just can't play the bitch. F...!

The other day I talked to my Ma for the first time about my anxiety problems.. At one point in the convo she told me she always knew I deserved a check, haha.. This was by text, fyi.. The day my phone broke :| MOVING ALONG.....

It was a real good talk, in case you're wondering.. It can get a bit hairy w/ Ma Dukes, but I'm glad I said something to her.. She told me to "think of Willoughby. Happy times." whiiich of course had a bitch ready to BAAAAAAAAWL, ugh.. I try, Ma.. I do.. But shit comes creepin' in w/o invitation. I wish I could've explained that to a lot of people in my life a long time ago.. Talking about it seemed like the worst option ever, but @ least if you know, you know to stop asking me what's wrong. I mean, it may really just be you but hey, you deserve that anxiety if I deserve mine.. lol

I just want to say grace for the good things that are hopefully about to come to me.. A means to an end, that's all I'm looking for. Not entire situations, just mine. Remove everything you think you read in that and take it for what it really is. I just need some things I don't have right now, and fully plan on getting them. Real talk.

I want that option again. When I had it, I pissed on it, but not this time.. I've got reasons, and reason is enough.

PS, def listening to Nirvana - In Utero now.. 'Serve The Servants', to be song specific. Fucking love this song, omg.. I love Thanksgiving, being by myself w/ great music, and a way to breathe a little. There's something to be thankful for. I wouldn't mind company w/ this but a. I've been surrounded by people all day, I'm good, and b. they wouldn't be allowed to talk, @ least not to me. I'm in the zoooooone.

I love this place.

I've been trying to find nirrrvana all week. This song just delivered me to its doorstep.

Aw, man..

I need some guidance right now. I'm not worried about falling by the wayside, I know what I want and need so a bitch is in it to win it now. I thought I felt like that before, but now that sanity is seemingly/hopefully getting closer........ I dunno..

I was thinking about the book the other day. The date that I have a lot of shit saved on is a date in the future, and it's coming up in the next few months. I wonder if I'll actually finish it in time, or just bullshit? If I could keep a straight thought, or stop changing my mind so often. My brain is giving me too many options. If I were a simple-minded fucker, I'd be Gucci buuuuuuut I'm not. Ignorance may be bliss, but not to all!

"I miss the comfort in bein' saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad..."

Oh god, Kurt.. Come back to us!! LOL..

Actually, I don't need guidance. If I ask for help from anyone other than the person I ask now, there will be too many things on my plate. Not everyone can help every thing, and I don't want to spread my truth out but so far. Ya dig? I'll just keep dealing w/ him, and hiding the rest.. Like I've been doing, lol. He's def helping me stay on track w/ things tho, esp procrastinating over paperwork type shit.. I think I made mention of it before. If so, oh well. Here it is again, bitches. I'm just stoked to be getting somewhere, wtf!! The phone thing is a setback, fa sho..

"Don't.... tell me what I wanna hear... Afraid of never knowing fear.."

I'm about to post the whole song, omfg.. This has been one of my fave songs since I was like 12.. I wish I still was....... lol

I know that 'Lounge Act' is on Nevermind and not In Utero, however the iPod is on Shuffle/Nirvana, sooo smd.. And swallow.

Truth - covered in security
I can't let you smother me
I'd like to, but it couldn't work
Trading off and taking turns
I don't regret a thing

And I've got this friend, you see
Who makes me feel and I
Wanted more than I could steal
I'll arrest myself, I'll wear a shield
I'll go out of my way to prove I still
I still smell her on you

Don't - tell me what I wanna hear
Afraid of never knowing fear
Experience anything you need
I'll keep fighting jealousy
Until it's fucking gone

And I've got this friend, you see
Who makes me feel and I
Wanted more than I could steal
I'll arrest myself, I'll wear a shield
I'll go out of my way to prove I still
I still smell her on you

Truth! - covered in security
I can't let you smother me
I'd like to but it couldn't work
Trading off and taking turns
I don't regret a thing

And I've got this friend, you see
Who makes me feel and I
Wanted more than I could steal
I'll arrest myself, I'll wear a shield
I'll go out of my way to make you a deal
We've made a pact to learn from who
Ever we want without new rules
We'll share what's lost and what we grew
They'll go out of their way
To prove they still

Still smell her on you (x3)

- - - -

I hope you are old enough and smart enough to have jammed to them bitd, oh man.. Everytime I listen to Nirvana albums, I can think back to the days I realized just how fantastic they were. Like, I obv listened to them since forever and ever, amen, but as I got older and the lyrics made more sense, you know?? That prolific moment where I was just like, WHOA. LA is def one of those songs.. And 'On A Plain', which is on now. Soooo many days spent in my room, or walking around w/ my headphones on, straight jammin' and being so lost in thought. I'm lost now, and w/o music I'd never find my way home...

"Forever in debt to your priceless advice...."

Stfu, man.. <333



See, I wouldn't be able to handle Kurt Cobain as an adult.. Let's just say he lived.. God status reached upon entry, so I'd be just as obsessed in life all over again.. But worse, b/c I'm older.. If I were to be in the audience during a song like this, sang so awesomely...??? I would throw the fuck up. I'm almost (sikestillhateyoukillyourselflaurenlolbutnotreally) glad that I missed the chance to see Silverchair on my bday before, cuz I would have def hit the deeeck over Daniel Johns, good lord.

"I'd love to have your cake, and eat it, too...."

Baaaaaaaaack to my birthday cake.

My Ma apparently stocked up in Mormon food bank items, which explains the absoluuuuutely disgusting cake she made for me. I wish I could share it via blog, or even in person, but I def gave that bitch back THE next day. Like, ohhh you're out of the ER, hm?? Here's your fucking cake back, bitch.

I.... Oh my.. I just wish I knew how to explain the nastiness of the cake! WTF!! I snapped for about an hour, off and on, while eating my bday dinner w/ Lauren and Dylan.... Lucious was weak as a bitch, b/c I made him taste it jic it was just me. But no! I was right, and his exact words were "That jank is trife as a bit." Sooooo, nice try, Ma.. I wrapped the entire thing (we just ate the frosting, that was enough) in tin foil and put it in a grocery bag. I returned it the same way.

The thing is, the selfishness of it all, is what amused me the most. I literally went the fuck OFF about this cake, like I dgaf that she was currently in the hospital, or that she gave birth to me, for that matter. I was like, "I specifically recall texting her and telling her it 'better taste like love', but this mafaka tastes like she fucking HATES me, like she can't stand a bitch!"... I was tempted to throw it against a wall and leave it there, but that would've been too far.

Now, had she been home.......

Spoiled, right?? Wrong. It's her goddamn fault. As picky as we are as a family, wtf would she even ASSUME I would eat that bitch?? She fuckin' knew, I know she did. Her reaction to me walking in the following night w/ the OG cake, plus a REAL box of mix/frosting (Duncan Hines) let me know that she wasn't too sure about the bitch her damn self. I walked into some sort of fagalicious meeting w/ maaaad lil gay dudes (I hope I know someone from the ST forum, haha) w/ all that in my hands, and she goes "Oh noooo, no you didn't!"

"Ohhhh yes I did. The cake is f-n trife."

Before that, West had asked me in the driveway why I hadn't left a slice for anyone. I told her they could have the entire fucking thing back, and that was why I was there in the first place. She then proceeds to tell me that my sis Lauren told her it was "bangin", an assumption that came from NOTHING, seeing as how the entire cake was intact when I got there. HTF would she know??

Anyway, she's baking my cake Sat along w/ one for Lauren, as it is her 18th birthday. Last one of us to become legal. First one out of the baby gate, however. :|

Wtf was I about to... Oh! So again the spoiled thing....... Remember last Christmas when I blogged about how selfish my Ma was, and that I brought her a Wawa sub which she hated and flipped the fuck out over, causing me to throw it against the wall (ha...) and flip out in return?? This is the exact same way she prob felt about her sub, thus making it her fault twice-over b/c she bred that selfish nature into all 3 of us, sooooo... The phrase "Why would I even....." preceeds a lo of argument-starting sentences in our family, and always has. Or "Why would you...", as in WHY WOULD YOU BAKE ME A CAKE YOU KNOW I WON'T EAT!!!?!? Whyyyyy would I bring her a sub she wouldn't eat??, etc...

Basically, we all need to get over ourselves, but no one has been able to force us to do so, esp not our Dad who lost plenty of battles w/ her over the years. LB snapped on me once when she made me PB&J that I refused to eat, but wtf would you make me something like that KNOWING I have texture issues?? The spread of jelly I use is so thin, it's like purple paint on bread. I just want the flavor, not the actual jelly, lol. I appreciate the gesture in situations like that, but then I'm like, whyyyyy would you even do it, knowing how I am?? It's a dick thing to do/say/feel, but that's what it boils down to.

I've had people get butt hurt b/c I won't let them fix me eggs. STFU! If you know how fanatical I am about my eggs, why would you set yourself up for such a verbal lashing?? I'm not going to be gracious and eat them anyway, trust and BE-LIEVE that shit, lol. This is why I'm getting CUNT tattooed inside my lip. It's just what it is, son.

And don't waste your time on the hardball game of "Well fine, I just won't do the shit for you ever again."

Really, cuz that would be SPLENDID, OBV, HENCE MY REACTION. Nine times out of ten, I never asked for the treatment given, so that's on YOU. Ya prick! lol

Nevermind the fact that sometimes it's just funny to see how people react to my reactions. I love a non-fight fight where I can just throw witty jabs left and right, and then ask you is it THAT serious?? Or be asked, even. That makes it better, esp if YOU initiated the fight.

"IS IT??" is my typical response to that one, and I'm sure all the other assholes who read this will agree that it works best.

[Edit]

I wrote this like a week ago, and have since been BACK to my Ma's house. THIS BITCH didn't bake my cake!! I went on LA Dre's bday (my sis) and kicked it w/ the 'Phew for a lil bit. Still SO cute.. Anyway she tells me she was tired or some shit. I'm tired of not having a cake, bitch. I dgaf that I'm 27 and not 17, I WANT A BIRTHDAY CAKE AND I WANT ONE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!




My nigga is KIIIIIILLIIIIIIIIN' it, btw..

Oh, GREEEAAAAAAAATTTTTTT......

HERE WE FUCKIN' GO AGAIN!!!

WHY DID I CALL YOU!?!? WHHHHHYYYYYY??? I BROUGHT IT ON MYSELF.

Let the fucking games begin.

I will eat you ALIVE, bitch. Like the PREDATOR I am.

Holy shit.

Is it REALLY that easy to lose YOUR attention, btw? This new anxiety is all your fault.

Actually, I know the answer to that like a mowfucka, so yeah.. It IS.

Go Ask Alice.

OMFG.

BARF. There's seriously an acidy spit forming in my mouth. I wish I could remove the black widow SOMEONE just caught on their ARM and make it kill you.

And then me. There's a few hours left on my bday DEADline, yanno..

Nah.. I'm actually quite stoked for tomorrow, even w/ no concrete plans. Like I said tho, Chichos on 29th makes the most sense. Or @ least saying it on here does, cuz I'm not gonna call most of you. Just go there. At some point. LOL.

There are obv people I know you could call.. Like Lauren... Fuck it, w/e just make sure them $10 gifts come pouring in, thanks.

And nooooooo, Jessika, I have NOT forgotten about your awesomeness, this is merely a courtesy call. I luhh you, boo!

Hm.. Is it supposed to rain tomorrow?? I really dgaf, it rained in the early am of my bday last year and Jess and I just played Jungle Golf right thru it. It was like 3-4 am, @ that.

K sooooooooo, um... I think that's it. Love you bitches, hope to see ya soon!

PS, the next blog I maaaaaaay post is pre-scripted, fyi. If I don't post it, disregard this message, ty lol.