"A decade ago I never thought I would be..."

[Like 3 days ago]

"At 23 on the verge of spontaneous combustion, woe-is-me..."

I love you, Stevo.. Today I decided that as a lil mini-workout I would clean Gmas house and listen to some music. B/c I didn't have Young Modern w/ me (Silverchair, which I deeeeesp wanted to hear), I looked thru his cds and saw that he had Incubus - Make Yourself. Woooohooo, b/c I was really in the mood to sing along to something, something w/ MEANING to be more specific.

I hit the nail on the head, and now I feel soooooooooo lovely.. The house smells and looks great, plus I got to sit and think about all the things on my mind currently. Right now, that means myself and my own well being.

People are always worried about me and the way I do things.. Not w/o reason, but still...

When I was younger and always listening to Make Yourself, I def thought I understood it better than I did.. So many of the lyrics stand out to me now. The whole theme, really. I've GOT to make myself, I don't want your dream, your plan of how I should go about being an adult. Ever since I was a little kid, I was always out roaming around and discovering things, getting lost in the moment, and I always came out alive w/ a thousand stories to tell.. The song remains the same there, b/c I still do the same shit. I don't want to be ANYTHING other than what I have planned. No intermission, no nothing. All or nothing. I will NEVER be happy unless I do it my own way, and that's what you gotta understand.

NO-THING will make me happy, I've already learned that the hard way.. I'm not saying that a stronger sense of stability on diff terms wouldn't make me happy, but I'd still have the longing, the want to do something else.. The closer I'm getting to that goal, the happier I am inside, and that's all that matters to ME. My Ma gives me shit for the times that I come to her and NEEEEEED her, b/c she doesn't want me to be out struggling or w/e she thinks it is that's going on here.. Other than that, she usually has nothing to say. She even calls me her travelling rockstar, haha. I've had the same goals for as long as I can remember, so it's not like I've come to her 655487567 times like, "Ma, I changed my mind, I want to be a _____." or w/e, I'm on the same path I always was, I'm just wiser about the steps I take.

I'm so excited about so many things right now, none unrealistic or childish, just things I can't really explain to you w/o struggling to make you GAF, haha. There's one event in particular coming up in March that I'm REEEEEALLY stoked about, and hopefully will have some good news to report here soon.

Ohhh, the joooooyyyyy and splendor I will feel.. Tra-la-la, etc etc, BIG SMIIIIILE for the finish!!!

Ugh.

So yeah, don't worry your pretty little heads about me. I'll be this way 'til my dyin' daaaaaaaaaaaaaaays, and I mean that.

Awesome update - When I was on the phone w/ TJ like a day ago, the topic of my well-being was brought up.. I thanked him for caring BEFORE I post this, b/c mad people usually reply asking me a thousand ?s after the fact.. If you care, just care.. I know you do, I have no doubts about who really gaf about me.. No need to put extra emphasis..

I'm worried about myself, don't think I'm just gully as all fuck or w/e, but that's just like health issues etc..

Any problem, mentally or physically, it's not like I'm gonna let you help me anyway, right!?!?! That's what most of you say, haha.. It's true tho.. I really don't see my pains' importance stacked up against the other shit going on w/ my friends. It's always been like that tho, just how I am... I've spent the last 3-4 years trying to help everyone else get THEIR shit straight, even tho I know I need it the most.

I don't know, man.. Don't listen to me, do whatever you feel like you have to.. I know I need "saving", but I don't see you as the Savior soooo....

*YOU*, yes, but you don't know that you could do it w/ the greatest of ease, and I won't tell you.

So if you don't mind.......