"Iiiiii don't wanna talk to you anymoooorrrre..."

"I'm afraaaaaaid of what I might saaaaay.. Iiiiiii bite my tongue everytiiiime you come around.. Cuz blood in my mouth beats... Blood on the ground..."

I put Incubus - Blood on the Ground on my cd b/c I just absolutely love it.. So easy to relate to... I used to listen to Morning View 24 hrs a day, literally. In my sleep, errrythang..

But right now, I need it to aide me thru my friendships.. Why do certain "women" bicker and nitpick w/ each other, knowing that all it does is put me in the fuckin' middle? Even if you're "just kidding" or someone took something the wrong way. Like I said before, not many people actually GAF how their actions fall on me. I don't want to hear someone else talking shit about another friend, but if I'm w/ you, and you're acting petty towards her, obv as soon as ya'll hang up, I gotta hear all the "wtf is her problem/yeah whatever" type shit that I really DGAF about. I'm not sayin' I've never done it, God knows I have, but DAMN. Every other word turns into something combative. Get the fuck over yourselves, ladies.

No one is worth that much stress, esp since I SHOULDN'T HAVE ANY IN THE FIRST PLACE, - MY OWN. And they all keep apologizing and rationalizing them placing their drama on my plate, but all I hear is "I'm not really sorry, or obv I'd stop. But b/c I haven't, you'll just have to deal."

Btw, please don't mistake this as me telling "you" to stop telling me when you're pissed off or upset. Just stop telling me when you're pissed off for no fucking reason, or it's something I've told you a million times that I don't want to hear about. I don't talk to ANYONE about topics they don't want to hear about 24/7, and if I do, it's subconsciously. When I hear "I don't care about ___", or can see the irritation, I stop. You do it knowing full well that I can't stand it. Why? Indulge me, please. Why would I care? Because I love you? No, that's not a reason. I do love you all w/ all of my heart, but it's getting to a point where I'd rather not talk to you than hear what so-and-so said to you that you took WAY out of context.

This also refers to a convo that was had this morning b/t two females, over who's had the worst week. Are you kidding me? I told her to ask you how your week was that bad, jacky, b/c I really wanted to know. She took it upon herself to leave out the fact that I asked it, which elevated the convo into potential drama. Why she did that, I do not know.

Maybe this is a feeling that comes w/ age? My 25th birthday is most certainly creeping up on me. Is this a quarter-of-a-life crisis, or just me growing up? Partially doubt that 2nd one, cuz I def let myself get wrapped up in enough childish drama, but that tends to happen when all you do is hang w/ children.

That last comment has nothing to do w/ age, and everything to do w/ state of mind. I've been on a higher level, some of ya'll will never catch up, and I can live w/ that.

What I refuse to live w/, however, is a life full of unhappiness. I'm already battling the demons of my own depression/bi-polar issues. Do you have any idea what that's like? Or what it's like when 10 pounds of added pressure are applied, via drama? Never in a million years could I explain it to you. In all honesty, my mind is fucked up beyond belief, and getting you all to overlook that fact is hard enough. But I've been getting by on bottled anger my entire adult life. Don't slow me down now. Maybe I'm wrong about wanting someone to listen to ME, for once. I don't want to open up. I don't think any of you are ready for what I'd have to say.

You weren't even ready for this, and this is the smallest step I could take w/o leaving you behind.

Before I end this, I just have to throw in there that no ones friendship should change b/c of this. Not w/ me, anyway. I love you all the same as before I opened this blog. I really wish I didn't have to clarify how non-specific/personal this is, but I know it'll escape your muddled minds sooooo....

I love you. Leave it at that.