Damn.. There I go again...

Can your foot be in your mouth if it's really not???

My blog last night pretty much ended my friendship w/ both Lauren and Brandi. They aren't getting what I'm saying.. And YES, I HAVE been "shoved up Becca's ass" but it isn't for naught. It's a Jerry Maguire "Help ME help YOU" kind of thing.. I told everyone who asked that I was happy for Brandi and Gregg.. I just did @ work the other day... And I told Lauren the same thing. I even explained to her how I felt about not being able to talk to her, or asking her to talk to her by herself.. I..

FUCK.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore.. It's too deep of a convo to have w/ myself via blog, per usual..

No it's not...

For years.. And years.. I isolated myself from all but maybe two people.. Didn't have shit else.. Depressed as all fuckin' HELL.. Gained mad weight, etc.. But then I started going to more shows again.. And then Brandi and I got to be as close as we are/were.. And from then on I just stopped hiding, and started having friends again.. The friends I DO have mean more to me than anything on this earth. The thought of being left out, or behind kills me. It's not their fault, but I've said this before.. I said it when Lauren and Amanda were bffs.. And I KNOOOOOOW damn well I have my times where I do the same shit..

DSKHGLJDSHFLSDH;F FUCK.. My head is so fucked up right now.. I just called my Ma to ask her about something completely unrelated and started crying..

OMFG LISA...... IT'S LONLINESS...

I would rather push you away than watch you leave me. Plain and simple. If you tell me "Hey we're still gonna hang out" but then we don't, the paranoia grows by leaps and bounds in my head, to the point where I can't think straight and then things like this happen..

"When I'm paranoid, I see walls behind walls behind walls..."

Everyone's so concerned about me fixing other people's problems until I'm fixing THEIR problems, and THEN it's all good. I wrote what I felt after repeatedly saying/blogging that I AM ALL SORTS OF FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW/NEED TO TALK.

I'm fucking dying. Inside, outside, whatever.

Soooooo, I just bawled my way thru a convo w/ Brandi.. I think we both understand what the other is trying to say... And btw, L-A-U-R-E-N, stop thinking it's about Jeremy. You knew what it was about when I mentioned Amanda.. The way my problem w/ you had nothing to do w/ Amanda personally is the same deal w/ Jer. It's not his fault that you can't balance me w/ anyone else.. So if what you wrote me still holds true, then that's fine. We won't be friends. How often do I have to strip what I say down to the basics until you get the point? If I didn't care about you, I'd let you stand there looking stupid. I told you flat-out a WEEK ago how BAD I need to talk to you etc.. I would never tell someone that, no matter how much I wanted to, and I did anyway. Where did that lead me? If someone is telling you that it would take the Jaws of Life to extract a convo about the sitfrom them, what does that mean? It means that they're hurting to the point of admittance, something I don't do.

I'm sorry that it's become too much of an effort for us to be friends.. But I can't keep explaining myself b/c it takes too much out of me every time. I've known all along that you don't have the ability to comprehend half of what I'm saying to you, and since that's the part that makes me "down talk" you, then I guess that's that. And to be honest, I'd keep doing it if I thought you were @ least trying to read past what's on the surface, but you don't seem to WANT to understand me, so.. I appreciate all of you who do, and ... Well, I don't know what to say to the ones that don't, b/c I don't want to cause you any more headaches.

Ms. Lauren M. Bradley, I love you to death.. I know what's being said.. I'm sure there's a lot of "If she makes you feel ___ then stop hanging w/ her."

What do you think Iiii hear when I'm griping about you not trying to push yourself any further to learn, or to stand up for yourself etc.. The only person you WILL stand up to is ME, even tho I'm the only one pushing you to take yourself to the next level and realize that you're smarter than you think. EVERY SINGLE TIME, my response is that I do it b/c I love you, you're my friend, that I dgaf b/c I wouldn't ever not want to be your friend, but like I said all you see is what's on the surface.

You know full well I'm an asshole like I know full well you're, well.. YOU.

See, there I go again, breaking it down to the basics. This hurts so fucking much, it's unreal. I can't be your friend and not feel like I'm you're friend. That's how I feel when you slowly but surely let me fall to the point of lingering behind you somewhere. I do what I do in RESPONSE to you, not the other way around. But you don't see it that way.

Aaaaand now to make the Cliff's Notes version of what I'm trying to say, b/c I have to go to work...

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Goodbye!