Like I was saying...

There's a bunch of random shit that I was thinking about last night.. One is the fact that I hope it's not just the schizophrenia.. I sure hope someone's getting this.. My life is so random, so ... WHATEVER it is, I sure hope SOMEONE'S getting this.. Big Brother, let me get a copy of that on dvd.. Tell Mr. President I'd much appreciate that, thanks..

And @ the same time, I sure hope someone's getting this... This, THIS!

Me. Do ya get me, sweetheart? Cuz I don't think you do. But @ the same time, I almost don't want you to. To get me means I'd have to give you me, and I clearly don't want to do that. Not all the way, cuz even tho you'd understand IT, you still wouldn't understand ME. And that makes no sense, but it does when you're me, lol. There are certain things about me that make everything else (sorta) make sense, but not in the way you're thinking. It won't be one of those quick lil "Ahh, I get it" moments.. You'll take what I give you, think about that, and then a bunch of OTHER shit will start coming to mind, and I'll have to explain THAT, and it'll be a dominoe effect over and over again.

Maybe it's better to just not know. However, I'd love to know what life is like as someone else. ANYONE else. What if it's just the paranoia, and I'm not the only one thinking about these kind of things, I'm just the only one struggling to find a way to express it. I highly doubt that tho, b/c I can tell w/o a doubt that out of my immediate friends, I am. It's my head, my thoughts.. My issues.. But I want to share them w/ someone who gets it...... I could blog about it all day long, but the end result of that is just like I said, a bunch of goddamn questions, and we alllllll know how I feel about Q-U-E-S-T-I-O-N-S...

A few years back, when my head was full of pressuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrreeeee (oooh, SC!), I wrote this random ass open letter and sent it to Jen, Ali, and Maudi.. I wish I had it still. It was on my comp in the storage shed. That was prob the scariest thing I ever opened up about, and I'm @ peace w/ the three people I sent it to. Altho I'd send it to TJ if that were an option. Probably to Morgan too, b/c we have some intense ass convos, and I have faith in the fact that she would take what I said into consideration, wholly and seperately, w/e she had to do to feel what I'm saying..

I'm basically not ready to say "Yeah, well I've spent a lifetime dealing w/ ______ _______, something you wouldn't even understand even if I explained to you all of the effects, etc. I don't think anyone's ever studied me like I have them, but if you ever choose to, I A. will notice you but B. won't hide the things that make it blatant.

*sigh, sigh*

Lauren's tales of her uncle's dementia make me wonder/worry. I already said that I am fully aware of the dementia to come, but what about the shit I'm already dealing w/?? I guess Lauren in all of her blonde glory/stupor will end up being the one who gets it, haha.. I mean, I'm not seeing kangaroos or anything like that, don't get it twisted lol..

I'm afraid to look over my shoulder.. Seeing nothing is worse than seeing everything.

Voila, that's it! Seeing nothing is worse than seeing everything. I can see nothing and feel everything, but it's the gift and the curse b/c while it helped me become who I am, it also helped me become who I am.. So many meanings... It's impossible to undo any of it, and as the years go by, I just get more and more comfortable/frightened about the remaining years to come. I think I can handle it, I just need someone to talk to. Before my 25th, I was contemplating going to a psych ward and admitting myself for like a week. I was gonna do it on my bday until the Silverchair show came about. I should've stuck w/ my original plan. Now I'm considering New Years.. I'll go there and talk my pretty big head off, feel ten times better, and maybe walk out w/ some kind of peaceful resolution w/ thy self.

My ear itches.. Does that mean someone's listening? Could it mean someone's HEARING me??

My happy/sad little/big bi-polar ass isn't quite sure.



I've been waiting for far too long
Let's stick together
Coz you're keeping me warm but it's a lonely setting sun

I wait so long now my head is full of pressure
I need time to cure my mind
It's like a loop that lasts forever

--

Oh, Daniel. I'm so glad you exist! I thought that's how I felt about a singular person, but it's kinda just how I feel about me and the bi-polar shit, etc. I want help, but I don't want it to end. I just want to unload. I've discovered more about myself this week alone than most people will their entire lives. And when they do, it'll be too late. Like the song says, I need time to cure my mind, it's like a loop that lasts forever...

I want a new loop only slightly intermingled w/ the old.