On the norm, I never start a blog w/o a title, but nothing suffices right now. I had one of the worst dreams everrrr last night. I don't even know if I want to re-tell it, b/c I def don't want to think about it any longer... But @ the same time, it's an experience, and I'm all about sharing them via blog, so....
It started when I went to my Ma's house (which wasn't the one she just moved into) one random sunny day.. Apparently I left my friends waiting outside, b/c once I got there, I was walking in the doorway area alone. I walked into the l/r only to see my sister sitting there, w/ blood all over the place. She was so calm tho, as if nothing happened. Now, any violent behaviour from her isn't too shocking b/c she def used to try to buck on the fam, lil psycho bitch that she was/is... But to hurt someone like THAT!?! There were random items strewn all over the place, two w/ blood on them.. So I'm freakin' the fuck out like, WTF, who got hurt etc.. There was someone else in the l/r but I don't remember who..
I went upstairs to see where my Ma was, and when I got to her room, my heart fuckin' SANK. She was on her back in her bed, hand over her stomach which obv had been bleeding bad b/c there was blood on the steps, too, and some in the room. I immediately started asking her what was wrong, who did it, all that stuff.. She looked like she was in SO much pain, and I didn't know wtf to do @ that point.. She started to sit up and I was just like, omfg I can't do this.. Went downstairs and it was somehow dark out already.. I told everyone I'd be right out and closed the front door, and the kitchen window, b/c you could easily see all the blood thru either one.. Went into the l/r AGAIN to ask my sister wtf she did, and why, but I ended up coddling her (like I ALWAYS had/hated to growing up) trying to keep her temper down, moving the objects away slowly while she's not paying attention. After more of that bs'ing, and internal panicking, I remember my mother (didn't really forget, just got pushed aside) and I go back upstairs and into her room as she's getting out of bed, citing the need to use the bathroom..
This is where I lose it... She looks HORRIBLE from the neck down, but the same ol' Mommy otherwise... I'm fuckin' crying and begging her to let me help, saying that I'm gonna dial 9-1-1, or call a friend, and she keeps telling me "No, I don't want help. Don't call anyone, hang up the phone!".. All while fixing herself up, trying to change clothes. This baffles me, esp while I'm bawling my eyes out, and I'm like, "Mommy PLEASE let me help you! Why don't you want me to help you!?!?".. Her reply was "I don't want help. I've seen better things, I ready to go now" as if to say that she can see what's coming on the other side, and is ready to move towards it. I start BAWLING and pleading w/ her, telling her "I'm not ready, please don't leave me", "I can't do this by myself", and that I "can't do this w/o you, please don't leave me yet" which just made her repeat herself to me, basically telling me I had no choice but to let it happen b/c she had already made peace w/ it herself.
I have never felt an imaginary loss so strongly in my LIFE. It was so bad that I woke up @ 7am on the dot saying out loud "Oh my God, please don't leave me!" Just typing it, I can feel the sadness that shook me to the point of waking me up. This is horrible, but I understand it... When I was younger I used to have nightmares about my mom/dad's funerals. Never @ the same time tho, one was always alive. Also had the same recurring dream about my sister for about 8 years. There wasn't a funeral, b/c she didn't die, but she kept getting hurt, over and over, and it fucked me up for a MINUTE. I think my "fear" of 25 and beyond has more to do w/ the fact that I'm afraid to lose a family member, and the older I get, the older THEY get. Especially my parents. My mom will only be 45 this year, and my dad is pushing 50. Neither sound old to me, not even a little bit, but the thought of ME turning 45 kills me.
By then, who knows??? And I already know w/o a shadow of a doubt that my mom's death will prob be the final push into insanity for me. I can't imagine a life w/o her, even in dreams, so how will I handle it for real??? She is the glue that holds our family together and w/o her it would all fall apart. She kept telling me I could do it in the dream, but that's bullshit. When she got into that car accident last year, I couldn't even deal w/ her back pains that kept her out of work for a lil bit. Any kind of injury to my Ma is just unacceptable. I can't imagine how Lauren felt w/ her Ma going thru breast cancer treatment. To see your parents go thru so much pain, after all those years spent taking care of you??? I couldn't do it..
I don't even know what else to say.. I'm just gonna end it here, and start my next blog. Nothing I can do but think about it, it hasn't actually happened.
Yet.
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2 comments:
OMG, I can't imagine your mom gone either, or mine, which is why the WHOLE time she was going thru the breast cancer treatment, it scared the HELL out of me. Especially when they were talking about kemo. That shit is what kills people. And I didn't want to see that! And yes I was scared shittless the whole time she was going thru that, might not have shown it too much, but it damn sure tore me apart. And I thankyou for being there for me thru the ENTIRE thing. Even my boyfriend at the time, who "loved" me wasn't even there, he just kept turning the story on him! Fuck that, and fuck him. Don't ever let anyone try and take the focus off your family, and I know you don't. Which is why when you have problems with them you know I am here for you, I am dealing with alot of stress from my uncle. ALOT. I don't know if I told you, but my uncle called my aunt jacquetta Virginia Lockhart Bradley(my gma who died right after stevo was born)she has been gone for 20 sum years, and my uncle called quetta that last Thur. They were literally killing him up there. And I bawled my eyes out on Fri when I heard that story. I mean c'mon how could they do that to him, they call themselves a hospital, but yet they are killing him. Thank god somthing changed because Fri night quetta went to see him, and he was sitting up eating, and knew EXACTLY who she was. And well Thur. the night that he called quetta my g-ma, he couldnt even hold his hand up, he was so weak! And well I would LOSE my mind if I lost him/anyone else.
The biggest fear in my life is death. It really is, I have been thru TOO many with loved ones/friends, and I honestly don't know if I could deal with anymore. Physically I think my body will shut down, if my uncle dies. STRAIGHT up. With losing Sonja,G-pop,George,Jeff I don't know how I would be able to handle anymore. But at least I know if I have that situation come up I have people who will be there for me.
I can't imagine how you felt when you woke up this morning, I even THINK about one of my parents leaving me, and I start crying. I have woken up MANY times crying, just because in my dream my mom is mad at me! Which is why I try my hardest not to disapoint my parents, but every time I get on the right track with them, SOMTHING happens. ALWAYS! and I can't do it anymore, not right now!
Well I love you and talk with you via email. xoxo
Love you too <3
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