Ta-daaaaaaaa!

Siiiiiike, nothing to see here. Not YET.

But video blogs are coming soon! Not on the regular, can't promise that b/c I'm switching phones and I don't know if this one will have an SD slot like the one I currently have. If I get either of the ones I want tho, it will. I do however have like 15 videos to share haha.. A lot of them are from the first of two KMK shows we went two last week. Got loooots of footage of all the acts, and some random other shit.. The most important one of all had nothing to do w/ a concert. It's just some real ass convo b/t me, Lauren, and Brandi. Some of you, well... I will probably title it 'More To Hate', haha. Speaking of which, Iiiiii am SO glad that B and Dirt had longer sets.. Just had to throw THAT out there..

But uhh, yeah.. I kick-started the Cuntastic Voyage by calling out a dear MALE friend of mind, and it just went from there.. I love it tho b/c it's a real convo, and anyone who gets mad, well that's b/c you're fake and are pretending that you don't have those same types of chats w/ your best friends.. If you don't, then you must have some stale ass conversations lol.

GOD, I want to post that video SOOOOOO bad, and right now, but it's not uploaded yet. THAT bitch is going on YouTube. Like, STAT. ASAP. W/ the mowfuckin' quickness.. It's funny as a bitch, esp if you know us/me. My new quote and soon-to-be favorite new Myspace name is from me, lol. It fully embodies how I feel about pretty much anyone who hates me/hates on me.. Brandi's dying for me to upload it.. She was like, "Erase my entire page, I dgaf.. Just put that on there!" haha.. AWESOME.

Just you wait... and wait... and see..

DSJGHJSHGNLKSNDGJLKSLGNG IIIIIIIIIIII WANT IT OOOONLIIIIIIIIIINE...

Btw, Ted Jan.. I'm REALLY in need of some of that movitation we talked about.. :(

I'm not winning the battle, or even putting up much of a fight.. Help meeee, lol.



PS I def have some new pics, just a few, but I reeeeally don't want to post them until I get copies of the ones Brandi and I took (or had taken) in PA/MD.. Ntm, this comp is mad slow so maybe I'll just do them toooooomorrooooooow...

W/e, I just want to lay down and relax.. Just took me some meds and I feel the need to mellow.. Not like, get high mellow, just... MELLOOOOOOOWWWWWWW...

Like I was saying...

There's a bunch of random shit that I was thinking about last night.. One is the fact that I hope it's not just the schizophrenia.. I sure hope someone's getting this.. My life is so random, so ... WHATEVER it is, I sure hope SOMEONE'S getting this.. Big Brother, let me get a copy of that on dvd.. Tell Mr. President I'd much appreciate that, thanks..

And @ the same time, I sure hope someone's getting this... This, THIS!

Me. Do ya get me, sweetheart? Cuz I don't think you do. But @ the same time, I almost don't want you to. To get me means I'd have to give you me, and I clearly don't want to do that. Not all the way, cuz even tho you'd understand IT, you still wouldn't understand ME. And that makes no sense, but it does when you're me, lol. There are certain things about me that make everything else (sorta) make sense, but not in the way you're thinking. It won't be one of those quick lil "Ahh, I get it" moments.. You'll take what I give you, think about that, and then a bunch of OTHER shit will start coming to mind, and I'll have to explain THAT, and it'll be a dominoe effect over and over again.

Maybe it's better to just not know. However, I'd love to know what life is like as someone else. ANYONE else. What if it's just the paranoia, and I'm not the only one thinking about these kind of things, I'm just the only one struggling to find a way to express it. I highly doubt that tho, b/c I can tell w/o a doubt that out of my immediate friends, I am. It's my head, my thoughts.. My issues.. But I want to share them w/ someone who gets it...... I could blog about it all day long, but the end result of that is just like I said, a bunch of goddamn questions, and we alllllll know how I feel about Q-U-E-S-T-I-O-N-S...

A few years back, when my head was full of pressuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrreeeee (oooh, SC!), I wrote this random ass open letter and sent it to Jen, Ali, and Maudi.. I wish I had it still. It was on my comp in the storage shed. That was prob the scariest thing I ever opened up about, and I'm @ peace w/ the three people I sent it to. Altho I'd send it to TJ if that were an option. Probably to Morgan too, b/c we have some intense ass convos, and I have faith in the fact that she would take what I said into consideration, wholly and seperately, w/e she had to do to feel what I'm saying..

I'm basically not ready to say "Yeah, well I've spent a lifetime dealing w/ ______ _______, something you wouldn't even understand even if I explained to you all of the effects, etc. I don't think anyone's ever studied me like I have them, but if you ever choose to, I A. will notice you but B. won't hide the things that make it blatant.

*sigh, sigh*

Lauren's tales of her uncle's dementia make me wonder/worry. I already said that I am fully aware of the dementia to come, but what about the shit I'm already dealing w/?? I guess Lauren in all of her blonde glory/stupor will end up being the one who gets it, haha.. I mean, I'm not seeing kangaroos or anything like that, don't get it twisted lol..

I'm afraid to look over my shoulder.. Seeing nothing is worse than seeing everything.

Voila, that's it! Seeing nothing is worse than seeing everything. I can see nothing and feel everything, but it's the gift and the curse b/c while it helped me become who I am, it also helped me become who I am.. So many meanings... It's impossible to undo any of it, and as the years go by, I just get more and more comfortable/frightened about the remaining years to come. I think I can handle it, I just need someone to talk to. Before my 25th, I was contemplating going to a psych ward and admitting myself for like a week. I was gonna do it on my bday until the Silverchair show came about. I should've stuck w/ my original plan. Now I'm considering New Years.. I'll go there and talk my pretty big head off, feel ten times better, and maybe walk out w/ some kind of peaceful resolution w/ thy self.

My ear itches.. Does that mean someone's listening? Could it mean someone's HEARING me??

My happy/sad little/big bi-polar ass isn't quite sure.



I've been waiting for far too long
Let's stick together
Coz you're keeping me warm but it's a lonely setting sun

I wait so long now my head is full of pressure
I need time to cure my mind
It's like a loop that lasts forever

--

Oh, Daniel. I'm so glad you exist! I thought that's how I felt about a singular person, but it's kinda just how I feel about me and the bi-polar shit, etc. I want help, but I don't want it to end. I just want to unload. I've discovered more about myself this week alone than most people will their entire lives. And when they do, it'll be too late. Like the song says, I need time to cure my mind, it's like a loop that lasts forever...

I want a new loop only slightly intermingled w/ the old.

Sooooooooooo, last night was interesting..

But only in my mind.. How does that work out? Not really, but the parts that were most intruiging to me were my own thoughts.. And those thoughts all had so many meanings.. I just want the words 'So Many Meanings' on me somewhere now.. I decided that I love the deeper level. And maybe I get mad @ people b/c they aren't seeing it the way I see it.. Life in general... As a whole.. As a... MATTER OF FACT, LET ME DIGRESS REAL QUICK...

MOST DEF saw "the culprit" yesterday, but she was in her whip and wasn't getting out.. I look @ her and I'm like, "I got some words for you.. Mhm, some motherfuckin' words.."

"Ok I'll call you in a little bit and we can talk."

"Nahhh, don't call me..! You got my number, we could've been talked.. You're a Fave.. We havin' this face to face.. We bout to CHAT about some thangs..."

Unlike most people, I don't need to text you to tell you how I feel. I'm not gonna hang up the phone then text you, or anything else childish like that.. I want to tell you yourself that I'm mad, and why. Me blogging doesn't count, @ least not to me b/c I would write this the same way if I was the only one that I knew that read it.. It's the same way I converse (when I'm around smart people) so it's no dif.. These are the things I WOULD say around some of you but you're not deep enough to carry on the conversation past the point of what I said, and your response which is usually lacking anything I wanted to take from the convo.. So I'm just giving you my metal gems for nothing...?

That is a prooooooobleeeeeeemmmmmmm...

My, how this blog twisted itself around.. Must be something ON THE SURFACE I'm having an issue w/.. The way I typed it is the way it all came to me, so...

I'll give the original topic the floor now..

I had a blast @ Gmas, lol.

Muchos.. Amber and Clutch stopped by.. We watched Superbad, well most of it.. They left an hour into it b/c they were mad tired.. Earlier in the day, we were all up @ Phat Nastyz along w/ Stacy who didn't want to come hang out, apparently.

Hm.. I have a very bad taste in my mouth right now.. A sneaking suspicion that I'm still not done w/ my digressing.. I want to unload via blog right now, but something isn't right yet... The format is all wrong...?

WTF is it.. I feel very off. It's b/c I'm not talking about all that I want to, but I don't feel like starting another blog.. I'll draft the beg of one and leave it @ that.. If I end up posting it, great.. If not, as long as I got it out.. It can wait..

So I guess I'll end it on this..



PS, I'm not done w/ that life in general part, but I'll just wait for that next blog..

Ohhh... FUNNY how QUICK the plot thickens...

As SOON as I post that shit, I get a call from someone telling me that you're fucking THEM over as well.. And they're in a car, w/ NO clue about what I just said..

KEEP FUCKIN' PLAYIN, cuz you're in MY sandbox.. I'll bury your ass so fuckin' quick..

"Aaaaaaand Iiiiiiiiii aaaaaaaammmm teeeeellin' YOOOOOOOOUUUU..."

That it'll be more than a BURN next time....

You better talk faster than I swing, bitch.

Bitch, don't you NEVER EVER EVER...

think you're gonna just get one up on me...

You think you can just SWIRL your happy fuckin' ass around, wrecking shit left and right until it's the way YOU WANT IT, and then just *POOF!* be gone on a bitch???

Fuuuuuuuck you. Fuck your new friends, fuck your new life, which is really mine, just reduced, re-used, and re-FUCKING-cycled.

I'm twice as nice, but second to NONE. Fuck w/ that.

If you thought it was gonna be cool to drop bombs all over the place, but then leave ME to clean up the mess, you've fuckin' lost it..

I'll cut you nice and deep long before that shit ever sticks.....

God bless the pencil.. The name on top of the list changes once a fuckin' week, I swear. I'll see you before you see me. Count on it.



Rebecca Bush doesn't care about black people.

Well motherfuckin' well...

What a random ass day today was... It kiiiiinda began w/ the hilarity of a high Sean watching Superbad w/ me @ Scotty's.. We were all weak as a bitch, per usual.. Etc etc blah blah went home, got up.. Went to Lynnhaven w/ Angel and basically the whole damn family.. We end up parking randomly next to Sean's Mustang.. I only realized it was b/c of the necklace on the rearview that I'd just been fingering (sshh!) a few hours earlier.. QUITE a few actually b/c I was def in bed by like 4am, and this was around 3pm sooooooo.. Either way, THE ORACLE LIVES!

ANd so does SUNNY, who did a LOVELY job making my Ma happy b/c her store had 23 phones out by the time I ran into her, good lawdy! Worrrrrrd up, SUNshine.. What it dooooo lol..

AHHH.. Obv, got up w/ Sean and Scotty, btw.. After ^, and then randomly during the trek.. I also ran into LYZETTE who I ONLY see @ random. There hasn't been a planned meeting b/t us in like 2 years, lol. Somehow it works out tho, b/c we run into each other eeeeeverywhere.. Aw, my Lil One.. Always workin' some random job..

Hm, I also saw AJ and his wife, and a few other random (word of the day) people.. Spent quite a bit of time in there, even tho I was on FIRE in every store. Apparently Lynnhaven thinks heat makes a nigga want to shop, b/c the bitch was on ROTISSERIE in every store. Thank GOD the actually walk-around shit was cool, or I would've stayed in the fuckin' truck. Damn all that.. I had on a hoodie, a doobie wrap, AND a beanie.. Fuck w/ me, I'm over being all sickly.

At least I THOUGHT I was, until I went to the fuckin' Joe Camel Cigarette Soiree '07 - AKA some RANDOM ass party in Aragona.. I felt like the Mother Hen after some drunk ass bitch tried to tell us on the way out to be careful, etc, b/c she's only 18 and going to ASAP. A, I know mad young people who have, B, who the FUCK are you again!??! Ask me how weak I was when some Lil Miss Muffet bitch tried to tell everyone to STFU.. I was like, "REALLY, SHOW ME ONE PERSON IN THIS BITCH THAT CAN SHUT ME UP..."

Aaaaand there you have it, folks. I was still a loud bitch.. Not really a BITCH, cuz I was drinkin' and feelin' like a funny bitch.. I was LOOOOOOSIN' ITTTTTTT over some fuckin' 40 year old dude there that was JAMMIN'... AAAAAAAAAASSSSSKKKKKK MMMMEEEEEE how fucking WEAK Shay and I were when he fell in the kitchen!?!? Ashley, too.. AND THENNNNNN this bitch who was making fun of him, SHE just straight dropped to the ground in a SPLIT.. I fucking LOST IT right along w/ Shay.. OMFG..

"We got a goddamn Pussycat Doll in this mafaka.. Tighten up your buttons, bitch!"

LMMMMMMFAO.. I was talkin' all sorts of weak shit in front of her.. Not even to be a dick, but b/c it was SOOO fucking funny. Like, the bitch was DEAD in the middle of a sentence and she just hit the fuckin' splits.. This bitch tryna BRING IT ON, when it's already been BROUGHTEN.. Oh wow.. I wish to GOD ya'll could see how she just immediately hit the ground, and had THE most bewildered look on her face possible, like SHE was more shocked than we were.. And theeeennnnn.. Htf you just gon' do some shit like that, and expect us to think you're sober!?!? Sheeeeeeeiiiittt...

Oh, oh oh oh... Some other shit just got me irritated as FUCK, so ONCE AGAIN, I must end this abrupt as fuck...

THIS bitch.........

Happy Thanksgiving...!

But honesty, fuck the lot of you, lol.

There is SOOOOOOOO MUCH I want to blog about right now.. You couldn't possibly understand.. BUT, now is not the time.. I've got some places to go, and people to see.. AS USUAL..

I will share this tho.. MOOOOOOOOOOOOST DEEEEEEEFFFFFFF ENJOYED THE FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK out of the two KMK/Big B/Dirtball shows Brandi and I recently traveled to..

Hooooooly SHIT. First of all, I ♥ THE PISS OUT OF MY EXTENDED FAMILY... And the local ones, too! Heather and Julie drove up to the MD show, which made it that much more awesome.. Picasso was there.. Mad people..

But I can't get into all that b/c I don't have time!

DLSJGHLJSDHGLKDSHGL AUUUUUUUUUUGH!

I CANNOT wait to upload the pics, and show an interesting comparison that I realized a day late.. Haha.. B, you're a funny dude..

AAAAAAAND SO AM I...

"___ __, ___!" "Funny, that's what I put on my Christmas list!"

__________________________________

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I can't even think right now, that's how fast my brain is working.. Nutty..

And there's most def a Silverchair blog coming up here soon b/c I've just recently been lauded w/ all sorts of worldly revelations and I pretty much HAVE to blog to keep my sanity.. My sinuses are all fucked up, and I SWEAR it's b/c I can't blog..

BUUUUUUT I'll get to that @ another time.. OMFG. My life is just...

OMFG.. SO I FUCKING FIIIIIIIIIINALLY RAN INTO SHERRITA.. And @ Wal-Mart of all places, the one on Military.. AND she saw ME first.. I fliiiiipped the fuck out instantly, which I expected to do.. I musT muST mUST MUST ask her for any and every pic we ever took so I can make copies.. I hope she still has that shit.. Anything works right about now, I just want to SEEEEEEE it.. I told her about the storage shed. Ending it w/ that before I slit my wrisssssssiiiiiiike b/c I'm in too good of a mood..

Rachael Ray's E! THS is amazing, btw..

AAAAAAND ABRUPT CUT!

This is the shit I'M tryna convey to these hos...

[From my Sub Noize rat/aka P-Town Jess]

"Heh, but yeah I read your latest memiors of a dgaf'er...sounds like some nonsence I'm used to, you see I'm a commit-a-phob, so basically I watch on-again/off-again's unfold on a daily and they all come to me for the advice...yeah if only they'd take it! Fuck I'm single for a fucking reason!"

HELL TO THE MOTHAFUCKIN' YESSSSSSSS WHY CAN'T BITCHES JUST LISTEN!?!? WHYYYYYYY!?!?

I would KILL to have someone just rewind and replay all the GENUIS ADVICE/ANALOGIES I've been spewing for a little over a week... OMFG!

"I don't even need to mark the dates you'll do something dumb. Dip that WHOLE MOTHERFUCKIN' CALENDAR in paint! You keep asking me to let you prove it to you, but I know for a FACT that I CAN'T TRUST YOU NOT TO DO THE DUMB SHIT!"

I am convinced that Lifetime movies are full of white women b/c YA'LL BITCHES NEVER EVERRRRRRRRRR LEARN. EVERRRRRR. And this ain't even ABOUT what some would think..

I'm fuckin' MISS CLEO in this bitch, LET me tell YOU. I have PREDICTED W/ A SURREAL ACCURACY just about everything that could've happened this week.

Minus the fact that I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO WORK, THANKS TO MY MA BEING, WELL, MY MA.. WHAT THE EFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF does that have to do w/ ANYTHING.. I'd get my ass chewed FIRST... Every step forward comes w/ two GIANT LEAPS BACKWARDS, I stg.. I keep tellin' ya'll. God himself doesn't want me to do a goddamn thing, lmmfao. Just be the PROPHET that I'm starting to worry that I am.. Cuz DAMN, have I been calling people out left and fuckin' right here lately. And DAMN if I haven't been BRUTALLY HONEST, so if there's something you want/need to know, holla @ a bitch. I got this here, nigga.

I've been the biggest cunt possible for some of the best reasons imaginable. If there's ever a problem, don't hestitate to tell it to a bitch who GAF b/c I'm beyond DGAF right now.. My number one saying is "It is what it is" and that's fucking THAT. Bitches wanna trip on some ol' 'Back Like That' shit, wellllll have fun w/ THAT ONE. Did you hear Ghostface!!?!? Nigga MEANT IT haha.. I love how this has literally taken me like 2 mins to type, that's how PUMPED I am right now for NOOOOOOO goddamn reason.. MOST DEFFFF 1:14am but I don't have to work in the am, so w/e.. Just know that IIIIIIII am DYING inside.. Not even the way I felt before.. Literally weak. So many random things keep happening.. I was never meant to lead a normal life, that shit is just WOOSH, oooooouuuuuutttttttt the fucking window now.

THANKS IN PART TO YOU, MY DEAR.

*mumbles something along the lines of "LISTEN TO ME, YA DUMB FUCK!"* under her breath, then just says it all, and then some*

Bwahaha, I'm tellin' you, a bitch keeps it FA REALLY REAL around these parts..

She said she want a HOOD NIGGA...

Well, she GOT ONE...

I love this song...

Tooooooooo death.. "If you keep losing meeeee, you're gonna be BORED..."

And you will be.

I don't think it's possible for me to keep my insanity a secret any longer.. Something has tipped the balance.. And now the friends that I love, well.. They've all lost their minds.. Smoke some pot, shoot some heroin.. DO SOMETHING... Keep me from ________.

This can only end violently.... Not even what you're thinking.. It's what I'M thinking... I've never been this far gone in my LIFE... Better hope my insurance kicks in before I finally up and do what I so desperately want to... I need to be mentally comatose, and soon.

One wants to fly over the cuckoos nest.. It looks so much more rational, calmer, more COMPLETE outside of the box..

I will be the new Mr. Brooks.

Is that bad? Is it bad to want to kill people? I don't think so. It's such a common thing, yanno? Think about it. People get killed every single day. It happens, like birth, just opposite. I know plenty of people who do plenty of things, yet I don't know any killers. Not that I know of.... Why don't I do me, and be first on the scene?

I wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year......

Iiiiiii would love NOTHING MORE...

[Nov 11th]

than to be an extreme cunt right now. Buuuuuut that was yesterday, new day, new happiness/anger.

HOWEVER.............. Raychal, I fuckin' lovE, loVE, lOVE, LOVE you, lmmfao.. I was about to KILL that bitch!

Lemme just jump riiiiiight into that.. We went to Raychals w/ Lil David to kick it or w/e, I'm in a bad mood (who knew) b/c some females never fucking listen, and we walk in to the apt only to have some fucking EYEBALLIN' ASS, PEROXIDE'D THE FUCK OUT ASS, WHISPERIN' TO OL BOY BUT CAN'T SPEAK OUT LOUD ASS, BEAT ASS BITCH starin' and runnin' that gator like she wasn't gonna get called out.

Ask anybody.. I HAAAAAAAAAAAATE people who stare. Male or female, young or old. Take a gander, then MOVE THE FUCK ON... But noooooo.. B/c SOMEONE decided to slut it up in a school girl outfit (which, w/e, it's a Sat night.. do your thing), this bitch felt the need to look her up and down w/ the NASTIEST look on her face. BITCH, have you seen your roots lately!?!? Prob can't see out of her eye sockets w/ all that make-up blocking the fuckin' view.

Buuuuuuut! I was trying my hardest to be respectful of the apt, b/c I'd never been there and I wasn't about to kill the party by killing her.. Howeverrrrr, when I went to go hug Big James, I almost let that shit FLY.. And STILL, her lucky ass got spared.. That is, until Raych comes down and starts asking me why I look upset.. I kept tellin' her it was nothing, like I ususually do, but she was like "No! Fuck this, Lisa.. If someone in this house is pissing you off, you better fucking tell me!".. Straight buckin' on me until I was finally like, "IT'S THE BITCH W/ THE BUCKET O' EYEBALLS" and I said something else female-friendly and she was like, "AHHH there's only FOUR females in here.." She named them all but the one I was talking about, and as soon as she told me she didn't know the girl, I was like, "OH WELL THEN IT'S THAT BITCH OVER THERE ON THE COUCH W/ THE FUCKED UP HAIR AND MAKE-UP THAT'S ABOUT TO GET HER SHIT SPLIT!"

Good GOD, ya rude BITCH! Haha.. Raych told dude she was w/ that the girl had about 5 seconds to leave before she beat her ass.. I was like, FIVEFOURTHREETWOONE K GO! lmmfao.. I talked so much shit to this scrap metal ass bitch.. She's like a 10 cent stamp.. Jesus.. Rach put Jesse on the phone when I was refusing to tell her what was wrong, so he heard the 565475678 asshole comments and was weak as hell.. I was like, "THIS BITCH SCANNIN' ME LIKE I'M A FUCKIN' UPC.. I FORGOT THIS WAS THE MATRIX, WTF.. IF I WAS HER WACK ASS, AND A BITCH LIKE ME WALKED INTO A PARTY, I WOULD LOOK AND THEN LOOK THE FUCK AWAY, BUT THIS BITCH OBV THINKS I WON'T KILL HER. SHE NEEDS TO GET THE FUCK OUT.. WHYYYYYYY WOULD YOU DO THAT.. I CAN SEEEEE YOU.. DID SHE THINK I WAS JUST GON' STAND HERE AND NOT SAY SOME SHIT???" EEEEEETTTTTTTCCCCCCCC...

After THAT pops off, and the shook as bitch is putting her shoes on, some dude w/ her and ol' boy gave Raych a mean ass look so she bucked off and told him to get the FUCK out etc, and got all in his shit.. She was shoving him outside, ready to start wailin' on dude.. He had the AUDACITY to smash a beer bottle in front of her car.. Big James randomly pops up in a tee-shirt and some boxer briefs, lmfao.. He had to scoop her up before she went Smash Adams on that dude.. Shit was WEAK..

Ray made this lil speech about how her friends, esp me, should snap if someone disrespects them in her house.. I wasn't tryna be the asshole jic she was everyone's bff or w/e, but Big James called me upstairs and basically said the same thing.. That I've never disrespected him etc, so it would've been fine b/c it's not like it's something I do on routine. That's the first time in a LONG ASS TIME where I've let something go like that..

[Nov 12th]

A day later, I GIGANTIC "I TOLD YOU SO" goes out to like, 564576 people. Mainly Lauren and Becca. Alllllll I'm sayin' tho...

Apparently, it's my destiny to be the filler until people get a boyfriend.. Funny how that works.. How about I fill your insides w/ bullets and we call it a day???

I never finished the story above b/c I woke up and randomly started to blog, but so much has already happened in that day span that it doesn't even matter now. I've got a whole new fish to fry...

Let's try this thought on for size - When I look you dead in the eye, or w/e circumstance it may be, something that I know and feel 100% to be true, I am FUCKING RIGHT... Can we say it allllllllllllllll together now!?!? Just 24 hrs ago, I had someone tell me what they felt in which, @ that time, they tried to convince me w/ many many words that I was dead wrong, etc.. Following day, we have ME telling YOU exactly how YOU feel before you even deal w/ internally. Why??? B/c I was sure, and I was C-O-R-R-E-C-T. INSANE, how often this has happened recently... EVERYTHING.. How many times THIS WEEK ALONE have I said "I'm not talking just to talk.. I'm saying this b/c I know in my heart and in my mind that I'm right, so you can just talk to me when YOU realize it." or something to that effect.. How many!?!?!

PLENTY. I can't wait to YET AGAIN feel the burn and the cold once your shoulder is turned to me. It happened w/ Lauren (I WAS RIGHT I WAS RIGHT I WAS RIGHT I WAS RIGHT I WAS RIGHT I WAS RIGHT I WAS RIGHT), and it's going to happen again. Maybe not NOW, b/c of how I constantly remind you of it, which means you'll just put a little effort into until I've got my back turned, then POOF!

So now that I'm left w/ no one to turn to in all of this madness............

I will confess that I'm almost ready to kill one of you. And I even blurted out HOW @ the mall today.. Oh, yessssssss...

KJLSFLKSFHLSDKFJISDKFHSDF I'M SOOOOOOOO FRUSTRATED, OMFG.. WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY...

W H Y!?!?

It's ok.. I got a new bag of tricks for ya'll..

A change will do me good....

Mark Wahlberg to star in ’Max’

[I have been waiting for this for EONS.]

Actor, Moore feel Fox's 'Payne'
By MICHAEL FLEMING

Twentieth Century Fox has Mark Wahlberg in the crosshairs for "Max Payne," a live-action adaptation of the bestselling Rockstar videogame that will begin early next year. John Moore will direct.

Wahlberg is negotiating to play the titular cop who is haunted by the tragic loss of his family and has little regard for rules as he investigates a series of mysterious murders. He finds himself up against an adversary bent on destroying Max and the streets he protects.

The script was written by Beau Thorne. Julie Yorn is producing through Firm Films, along with Scott Faye.

Wahlberg will make the film after he completes "The Lovely Bones" for director Peter Jackson and DreamWorks. He recently starred for the studio in the M. Night Shyamalan-directed "The Happening," which will be released next summer.

Moore has directed "Behind Enemy Lines," "Flight of the Phoenix" and "The Omen" for Fox. He also is developing a live-action adaptation of the Virgin Comics title "Virulents" for Fox and New Regency.

I feel so much better now.

Actually, I felt better on the way to work, but I just now got the chance to state that. I decided it was a Silverchair day (who knew) and listened to Young Modern on the way to Wal-Mart (pit stop). Ya'll know how Silverchair is like Valium to me.. I felt like a million bucks right up until I got to work and my Ma was there, armed w/ a lil attitude lol. I did too tho, but it was her answer to my ?s that pissed me off.. But I went back like 20 mins later w/ a mean mug that instantly softened b/c of something she said.. And she gave me this neato binder w/ the company name on it. Said that she got it for me b/c I like that kind of stuff..

And I do! Aw, she knows her eldest offspring is a total nerd @ ♥. Not even @ ♥, I just am.

The good feeling didn't last too long, but only kinda.. I WASN'T mad @ anyone, I was just generally feeling a little off. I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since the night before, and I felt all sorts of woozy up until PAST SEVEN when I finally got to eat. I WAS gonna eat earlier but somehow it took like 2-3 hours to activate 3 fuckin' phones. Plus, the kiosks were in a bit of a frenzy b/c my Ma is basically cleaning out the closet.. Too many stolen/missing phones, so she was there getting shit straight. But anyway, I didn't have an attitude, just a really big back/headache.. I didn't want to sit down until I did all of my activations but that just blew up in my face when it took eons.

God bless Loritab or however that shit is spelled. That's my "Get out of pain free" card right thurr... Took two w/ dinner and felt much better. Yay!

So don't fret over me, folks.. Thanks for the msgs, etc.. If you've been texting me, sorry.. My screen's fucked up (Morgan, PLEASE let me know wtf happened lol. I didn't even TOUCH IT!) on my old phone, so I can't see shit. HOWEVER, b/c I know my phone, I can reply to new ones (just to say call me b/c I can't read the reply), and call anyone in my phone book b/c I just have to spell the name I have them under. I'm supposedly getting one here soon, was supposed to on Monday but I have no idea wtf happened w/ that one..

Aaaaaaand I've decided that even tho I want the Wing, I kinda want like two other phones, so I'ma see what my Ma is talkin' about and go from there.. I think I know what she's gonna give me tho, so I'm secretly stoked. Trying not to bug her about it b/c I reeeeeeally need that to happen. Like TOMORROW. After the weekend, I'm not gonna be able to answer the phone all day long b/c I'm not much of a talker on the phone as it is, but it's the only way I know who called me, lol. Not tryna run my minutes into the ground, and get my ass kicked. Which reminds me, on payday I'll be paying my own bill. She better break that shit down PER phone on the account b/c I'm not payin' NOBODY ELSE'S SHIT. And if they go too far over and that shit gets cut, I', buckin' on a ho!

OOOOOHHHHHH, btw! Not ONLY will I have full, kick-ass, go to ANY doc ANY time, ANY amount of times insurance starting Feb 1st, but there's a bank plan thingy where even if you owe a bank money, you can open the account. I deffffff owe Wachovia, which I will start to repay here soon. I'm def signing up for that shit b/c it's basically like a employee package thingy and we can do our direct deposit etc... Check cards.. Which, btw is the reason I owe Wachovia lol. It was their fault, but I just dicked around and let it pass..

Hm.. What else.. OH! Of course, w/ DD I'll get paid earlier.. I want the 16th to come SOOOOOOO bad.. A bitch might go a little nuts. But I doubt it, b/c I already know what I want/need and what I don't want to spend. My vitals are minor things, so I'll prob just get a couple of cheap $5 movies @ Wally World and be done w/ it.. As far as purchases that last long go, anyway lol.

The rest, ah well...

K sooooooo what else was there that I felt like talking about........

OOOOHHHHHHH. I can't tell ya'll that. Well, maybe just a few of you. Even tho my Ma def said it to Regina earlier, which was weird, but ok.... I dgaf.. She really wants me to stick this out if for nothing but the benefits, and I can understand that. I DO need a regular doctor, and I need to have a dentist. I found out that my dolo also goes towards that, so I'm happy. My Ma broke it down for us after having Larry and Felix sign their insurance papers.

Could it be??? I said that by the end of the year, new shit would be poppin' and that I'd be getting my shit together. All I've done this week is work, and it hasn't gotten old yet. It didn't bitd either when I did the same thing, b/c you see and talk to SO many diff people, plus I work w/ some nutcases, one being my nigga Lurrrrrrry, so you know it's a wrap there.

I hope I'm not jinxing myself tho.. I'm sure I'll love it and stick w/ it.. I need to make 3257682% sure that I can go to KMK in PA/MD tho.. It's next weekend, I should def get on the ball w/ that. A lot of changes have been and will BE made here lately, so I should ask NOW before everything is set in concrete. I told my Ma a week or two ago, but she never remembers shit. I told her to stop smokin' weed, lol.

Aaaaaaand on that note, I'm ending this..

God, I feel SOOOO much better! Funny how a fat bitch like me can feel so... weightless...

I had the chorus to Silverchair - Low in my head ALL GODDAMN DAY. Sang it about 435346 times.. But I also had some moments of enlightenment during uhh.. Shit.. OH, it was Straight Lines, first.. The line that says "There's no changing yesterday".. How perfect? Had there been a comp w/ internet (open, anyway) I would've changed my name to that. I think I just might either way, b/c it applies to every day gone by.

ANYWAY, I was leaving.. I got caught up in Office Space, which I'm watching w/ Stevo.. I found this clip that just so HAPPENS to be from my ruined bday show.. Can't hear it b/c there's no sound on this mafaka, but I'm gonna post it anyway.



"Stay and hijack the HUUURT, I feel so loooooooooooow, I feel so HIIIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHH... Take a look inside myyyy miiiiiiiiind..."

Ah, sweet serenity.

Damn.. There I go again...

Can your foot be in your mouth if it's really not???

My blog last night pretty much ended my friendship w/ both Lauren and Brandi. They aren't getting what I'm saying.. And YES, I HAVE been "shoved up Becca's ass" but it isn't for naught. It's a Jerry Maguire "Help ME help YOU" kind of thing.. I told everyone who asked that I was happy for Brandi and Gregg.. I just did @ work the other day... And I told Lauren the same thing. I even explained to her how I felt about not being able to talk to her, or asking her to talk to her by herself.. I..

FUCK.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore.. It's too deep of a convo to have w/ myself via blog, per usual..

No it's not...

For years.. And years.. I isolated myself from all but maybe two people.. Didn't have shit else.. Depressed as all fuckin' HELL.. Gained mad weight, etc.. But then I started going to more shows again.. And then Brandi and I got to be as close as we are/were.. And from then on I just stopped hiding, and started having friends again.. The friends I DO have mean more to me than anything on this earth. The thought of being left out, or behind kills me. It's not their fault, but I've said this before.. I said it when Lauren and Amanda were bffs.. And I KNOOOOOOW damn well I have my times where I do the same shit..

DSKHGLJDSHFLSDH;F FUCK.. My head is so fucked up right now.. I just called my Ma to ask her about something completely unrelated and started crying..

OMFG LISA...... IT'S LONLINESS...

I would rather push you away than watch you leave me. Plain and simple. If you tell me "Hey we're still gonna hang out" but then we don't, the paranoia grows by leaps and bounds in my head, to the point where I can't think straight and then things like this happen..

"When I'm paranoid, I see walls behind walls behind walls..."

Everyone's so concerned about me fixing other people's problems until I'm fixing THEIR problems, and THEN it's all good. I wrote what I felt after repeatedly saying/blogging that I AM ALL SORTS OF FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW/NEED TO TALK.

I'm fucking dying. Inside, outside, whatever.

Soooooo, I just bawled my way thru a convo w/ Brandi.. I think we both understand what the other is trying to say... And btw, L-A-U-R-E-N, stop thinking it's about Jeremy. You knew what it was about when I mentioned Amanda.. The way my problem w/ you had nothing to do w/ Amanda personally is the same deal w/ Jer. It's not his fault that you can't balance me w/ anyone else.. So if what you wrote me still holds true, then that's fine. We won't be friends. How often do I have to strip what I say down to the basics until you get the point? If I didn't care about you, I'd let you stand there looking stupid. I told you flat-out a WEEK ago how BAD I need to talk to you etc.. I would never tell someone that, no matter how much I wanted to, and I did anyway. Where did that lead me? If someone is telling you that it would take the Jaws of Life to extract a convo about the sitfrom them, what does that mean? It means that they're hurting to the point of admittance, something I don't do.

I'm sorry that it's become too much of an effort for us to be friends.. But I can't keep explaining myself b/c it takes too much out of me every time. I've known all along that you don't have the ability to comprehend half of what I'm saying to you, and since that's the part that makes me "down talk" you, then I guess that's that. And to be honest, I'd keep doing it if I thought you were @ least trying to read past what's on the surface, but you don't seem to WANT to understand me, so.. I appreciate all of you who do, and ... Well, I don't know what to say to the ones that don't, b/c I don't want to cause you any more headaches.

Ms. Lauren M. Bradley, I love you to death.. I know what's being said.. I'm sure there's a lot of "If she makes you feel ___ then stop hanging w/ her."

What do you think Iiii hear when I'm griping about you not trying to push yourself any further to learn, or to stand up for yourself etc.. The only person you WILL stand up to is ME, even tho I'm the only one pushing you to take yourself to the next level and realize that you're smarter than you think. EVERY SINGLE TIME, my response is that I do it b/c I love you, you're my friend, that I dgaf b/c I wouldn't ever not want to be your friend, but like I said all you see is what's on the surface.

You know full well I'm an asshole like I know full well you're, well.. YOU.

See, there I go again, breaking it down to the basics. This hurts so fucking much, it's unreal. I can't be your friend and not feel like I'm you're friend. That's how I feel when you slowly but surely let me fall to the point of lingering behind you somewhere. I do what I do in RESPONSE to you, not the other way around. But you don't see it that way.

Aaaaand now to make the Cliff's Notes version of what I'm trying to say, b/c I have to go to work...

CLICK

CLICK

CLICK

CLICK

CLICK

Goodbye!

Everything is just all too obvious...

Everything that pisses me off to NO end.. All too obvious.. And yet people stiiiiiiiill continue to do them, and to me specifically.

Quite obviously, you don't give a fuck.

Quite obviously, I have to stop giving a fuck about those particular people.

Goodbye, love...

I'm saying goodbye to all of the inseparable couples. Brandi and Gregg ahead of time, b/c they'll be @ the gym w/ the other couple, Lauren and Jeremy. The funniest thing I've heard all day was Jessica telling me that b/c Lauren was "hanging out w/ us all week" she's gonna hang w/ Jer's friends...

What week was this??? Not THIS week, or the week before that, ORRRRRR the week before that.

Now, this isn't hate, in no way shape or form. This is me calling her out b/c I didn't think it would happen again after Amanda, even tho she does it to plenty of others. I don't know how many times I have to say I AM NOT HERE FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT before it sticks. My Ma the other day told me that I need to stop being so accessible to all of my friends, and fixing THEIR problems, and start worrying about myself. Sooooo.. Here's to @ least trying that out.

It could just be a new couple thing but either way, no matter the couple, that shit skeeves me the fuck out. Like, how could you not even attempt to hang out w/ anyone else? WE were pretty attached @ the hip, but even then I have an extreme amount of stories to tell from plenty of days/nights w/o her.

And I'm not apologizing this time b/c this is how I feel about it. It applies to any couple where I never see one w/o the other. Disgusting. Kill yourselves. NOW.

Maybe I'm just the cold-hearted asshole, buuuuut...

Strike that, no excuses, it's just annoying and cheesy aaaaaaand I couldn't do it. More power to you all. Jay & Steph, rock the fuck out! Hope the marriage lasts a thousand lifetimes...

But a bitch like me needs to breathe.....



I got 99 friends, DGAF about ONE.

Of course, I'm lying, and Lauren will write me some dramatic ass msg and I'll cave, thinking she's serious this time, and won't be cut off from the ones who GAF, and then in a month I'll be writing the same thing.

WHYYYYYYYY do things get so complicated???

Just... Don't be THAT girl.. The one who gets a man and then randomly you're a Siamese twin...

So.. Does that mean "they are Siamese if I DON'T please"???

PS Jeremy, you're the shizzle my nizzle, and I love hanging out w/ you... Good call on that Mulisha jacket. I'm proud to have hopefully opened a new, much more awesome chapter in your wardrobe. Buuuuut...

It was already getting to be a bit much before the most unecessary announcement ever was made, but damn.. Well, since she's QUITE OBVIOUSLY (keep track of how many blogs I use this in, kids) all yours now, I hope you're good to her.

Have fun @ the formal!

What a fucking day...

And by day, I mean ENTIRE FUCKING MONTH OF NOVEMBER SO FAR, B/C I DEEEEEF CAN'T DISTINGUISH ONE DAY FROM THE NEXT...

HOOOOOOOOLY......

I have been thru some of THEEEEEEE most Maury ass bullshit, INCLUDING a paternity test (not mine, dur, fuck a kid), INCLUDING seeing someone's arm in a window as they're being damn near dragged down the street... INCLUDING starting a new job tired as FUCK.. INCLUUUUUUUUUUDIIIIIIIIIIIIING EVERYONE ACTING LIKE THEY'RE SO GODDAMN INNOCENT...

OMFG.. I can't even imagine wtf will happen in my life NEXT week.. People, I'm not blowing you off, I'm leaving you out of the drama, lol. I couldn't have possibly imagine all of the shit that's happened in November, lmmfao. The JAKES were @ Gma's, mannnnnn.. That's the fuckin' BATCAVE, meanwhile the Jakes stay @ this bitch thanks to Stevo loving to leave his shit out in front of some grimey ass people.. But even tho he was there, this had nothing to do w/ him.. OR me, but my JANITOR ASS is always left to pick up the pieces/clean the mess, so w/e.. I should be a publicist.. They get to spin all sorts of stories, and obv clean up the mess, something I'm QUITE OBVIOUSLY proficient @...

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW.. Like that night @ the condo, Lauren.. All I can say is "WOOOOOOOOOOW".. This Itchy & Scratchy ass bullshit, jeeeeeeeeeez.

I miss blogging, lol.. SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much shit has taken place and I must come to grips w/ the fact that I won't be caught up anytime soon w/ the stories.. Actually that's some bs, I just don't need to waste my first day off.. Which is actually wasting it if you want to get technical, buuuuuuut I dgaf b/c a bitch is stressed THE fuck out and I'm about to just start swingin' in circles until I feel rectified.

Just to be the dick that I am, I will make note of how Lauren's monkey ass invited me to go w/ her to her work formal, but now that she's playing Barbie ♥ Ken, I am uninvited w/o notice. You telling me your man is getting a suit to wear as your date doesn't = telling me.

On a heavier note, I am most def going to kill one of you. So watch your back, homie! LOL, said so lightly, but I feel so sincere... I really want to. Honest to God, if the wrong moment comes about, BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Three holes, one box, six feet, zero tears. I'm over it.

I can't kick it to you no realer than that. And I've been in some reeeeeeal ass moments here lately. Sometimes you gotta let a bitch know about themselves before they get too far gone...

WHYYYYYY did that shit have to happen last night..? BITCH I GOTTA WORK.. And what's even worse is I was SUPPOSED to be off and going to Golden Corral today, but Jorge, etc have to drive to Fairfax for a meeting and he doesn't trust pretty much anyone in the store but me, so I gotta play stand-in. AWESOME. Love it when that happens!

I also love it when bitches push buttons on purpose. It seems like this entire week has revolved around who can be the bigger bitch/dick. A lot of you joined in this game. I'm on my Major League Asshole game right now, so if you see me, start off polite or I might could stick you.

NIGGA AX ABOUT ME...

Aw, yay.. TJ just called me.. Jenn is on that BULLSHIT. LMFAO @ "Meth is the new crack" bwahaha...

His BLACK ass just told me he bought a Richard Pryor album, lmmfao. Awesome, cuz Pryor was that dude, man.. Ted Jan, you're my only friend!

And now you're the only reason I'm ending this blog. I "wasted" my time yukkin' it up w/ you and now I gotta leave for my J-O-B.. I guuuuuuess I can blog some more later, maybe be a lil more descriptive?

Anyway, here's the most awesomely white moment of the year. Like I said, WHITE PEOPLE stay on some rap shit, and this proves it. Look @ that lil nigga to our right gettin' it tho!