Oh, btw...

Remember how I said I'm trying to take steps forward as far as like, taking better care of myself/my life etc.. Health-wise esp??

Yeah. I have two evaluations coming up, on the 4th & 5th. I'd be lying to say I'm not thinking about it a liiil too much, but there's a lot riding on them. A looooot. I'm just glad I don't have to lie about anything, cuz we all know I'm certifiable.

I just hope I don't break down or anything like that. I mean, it'll prob help me out in the long run, but I don't want to look like a punk. I cried @ Social Services once, poor me. But it helped, so.. Hm, maybe I should try and get the water works flowing... It seems to be the best bet w/ these kind of people..

If all goes well, my life is going to change drastically. It would take a few months, but once it rains, it's going to pour.. I could actually end up happy! Like, I'm happy right now, right this instance, don't get me wrong. There's just certain things that I've gooooot to have, and ooooooohhh what a wonderful world it'll be if I get them. WE'LL be two loopy bitches, I know that much. I've got everything from my fingers to my b-hole crossed @ this point. I'm still on track w/ my paperwork, not letting it go too long w/o being filled/sent back etc.. Something is going good. It's weird, def a first in life for me.

I wish my phone was going to be fixed before the appts, I'd love to record some of it, audio-wise. Another thing that could happen is I could start lmao for no reason, like people in my family tend to do. Lu and I esp, we start geekin' out of nowhere, which doesn't help when you're telling someone something b/c then they think you're lying b/c of how cheesy the grins we give are. Lu gets mad when it happens but it doesn't matter b/c he's smiling so hard that you think he's fuckin' w/ you. Not the worse burden to bear, but def odd.

Oh, also... I've noticed that my smile creases are deeper than usual. My face is slightly thinner which prob adds to it, but it's also a family trait from my Ma.. Lu's had them since forever, and he has little ones and big ones. So cute, aw.. I want to kick it w/ him sometime soon.. I think my Ma is cooking for Xmas so I guess I'll be over there.. I can't miss my nephew's first Xmas, def not. My Ma would never stfu about it if I did.

Ahhh um let's see, I think that's all I wanted to talk about. I think Adam and I are gonna head to Wal-Mart to look @ crock pots. You're more than welcome to join us, lol.

I can't believe it's

almost Christmas.. Isn't that insane?? Did this year fly for you like it seems to have done for me??

It's not like my year was filled w/ soooo many things.. Not that it WASN'T, but you know.. BFE can only offer so much to do, lol. Get high or die. Whaaaaaat.....

What's everyone doing for Xmas?? I hope Dec goes better this year than it did last year.. I had a few saviors but I don't think I can count them all in this time around..

I just want to look @ lights, man.. Megan, where you be @?!? It's tiiiiiiime, it's tiiiiiiime!

I saw my first set of post-Thanksgiving lights last night. They even had the gaudy leg lamp in the window.. Tell me you know where it's from..

OMFG I just got sooo cold, wth. Maybe my soul has a leak :( haha how emo..

Um..

I don't know what to say. I had something to say but as usual, I forgot. I know that it's Sunday and kickoff is in like 3 minutes, so yeah.. Go Niners!! Straight to hell, in fact. WIN A FUCKING GAME ALREADY! We started out so promising, boooo hooooo! I'm OVER IT. I feel like JESSICA right now, haha.. (Go Browns!) Can a bitch feel victorious for once?? I live w/ a fucking COLTS fan, this is getting old! At least the Raiders still suck, works for me! Now I just need a complete collapse of the Cardinals and I'm Guuuuuuuucci...

Brr, there goes that chill again..

Anyone go shopping on Black Friday??

dksjgnkdgnksghnsklglkshg

I want something to do. Right now. Man, oh man, I am booooorrrrrred. I did get to watch Addams Family Values earlier, so I got to jam out to the Turkey song that I've been obsessed w/ since the movie first came out.. I also watched A Boy Named Charlie Brown, looove it. Missed it last night but it came on today. I did not however miss Snoopy, Come Home. I was perfectly depressed when it came on, riding a waaaaaave of anxiety that went away w/ the help of a secret weapon. Ty, ty.

Now, I just need to ____________________________________ and I'll be glooooorious.

I'm sorry that Myspace got all the good blogs,

dear friend.. Just didn't have the time, lol.

No Doubt is def the best everrrr...

'Excuse Me Mr.' is fucking classic... Jeeeesus, lol. 'Sunday Morning', too.

I wish you could buy new skin.. I'd get song lyrics all over and switch'em like a damn phone, lol..

There are soo many songs that express how I feel, and have felt over the past week. I can't have a fave song longer than a week sometimes, there's just too many random life experiences for all that, yanno??

I feel like I've been moody, but it's b/c the anxiety starts to swell and all that happens around me is happening while I'm in the midst of freaking out, lol. It's all so stupid.

It's ALL sooo stupid. OMG.. I wanna write a "ME" blog, which everyone keeps complaining that I haven't in a while.. I dunno, if we talk, you hear the fresh news lol..

I'm def cheating ya'll, cuz some funny shit has happened but I seem to have lost my ability to record said events.. I talked to Stevo on the phone the other day for like 4-5 hours, and that was fantastic.. He brought up all the vids we shot @ Gmas, and all the stupid shit we used to do. It's sad that something so recent is just another "those days" story now.. We all miss Gmas.. We need it. Things were falling apart while we were there, but it didn't unravel for real until that was all over.. Even if there were petty lil secret thangs goin' on there, it didn't matter as much as we did to each other..

Some people, I feel like I'll never see again. Not always a bad thing, but not always good, either.

Pause, my fuckin' back hurts. You just don't know. I've been standing since I got up... Sonuvabitch, man. Plus the cold makes it worse.. I think my Ma is getting me a new jacket tomorrow. Or she's going to try to, anyway..

I'm about to be on some G shit here soon, but I'm not telling you what that entails. You either know, or you're gonna find out. I just hope not via the news media, lol..

Gwen is slayin' my soul right now, omfg.. Simple Kind Of Life is on, looove this song so much.. Always have.. Makes me think of someone from many me's ago. snifflesniffle.

Aaaaanyway, I hope all is well.. I really want to get up w/ a lot of you and do the whole Xmas light thing, we gotta get that jumpin, son!! It's not Xmas w/o the lights, haha.. Story of the year!

Uhh, damn.. How you hos doin?? I'm one to talk, the way I've been acting lately, lol.. Like Brandi and I used to aaaalways say... "Shh, don't teeelll nobody!" :)

"And iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's all yooooooooour fault....."

I want to hear 'Bad Romance' now, wtf.. Amanda, I know you're about to dl that, riiiiiight!?!? Wooouuuld if I could. Matter of fact, I DID dl it b/c you said something about it in the kithen that day, I just can't play the bitch. F...!

The other day I talked to my Ma for the first time about my anxiety problems.. At one point in the convo she told me she always knew I deserved a check, haha.. This was by text, fyi.. The day my phone broke :| MOVING ALONG.....

It was a real good talk, in case you're wondering.. It can get a bit hairy w/ Ma Dukes, but I'm glad I said something to her.. She told me to "think of Willoughby. Happy times." whiiich of course had a bitch ready to BAAAAAAAAWL, ugh.. I try, Ma.. I do.. But shit comes creepin' in w/o invitation. I wish I could've explained that to a lot of people in my life a long time ago.. Talking about it seemed like the worst option ever, but @ least if you know, you know to stop asking me what's wrong. I mean, it may really just be you but hey, you deserve that anxiety if I deserve mine.. lol

I just want to say grace for the good things that are hopefully about to come to me.. A means to an end, that's all I'm looking for. Not entire situations, just mine. Remove everything you think you read in that and take it for what it really is. I just need some things I don't have right now, and fully plan on getting them. Real talk.

I want that option again. When I had it, I pissed on it, but not this time.. I've got reasons, and reason is enough.

PS, def listening to Nirvana - In Utero now.. 'Serve The Servants', to be song specific. Fucking love this song, omg.. I love Thanksgiving, being by myself w/ great music, and a way to breathe a little. There's something to be thankful for. I wouldn't mind company w/ this but a. I've been surrounded by people all day, I'm good, and b. they wouldn't be allowed to talk, @ least not to me. I'm in the zoooooone.

I love this place.

I've been trying to find nirrrvana all week. This song just delivered me to its doorstep.

Aw, man..

I need some guidance right now. I'm not worried about falling by the wayside, I know what I want and need so a bitch is in it to win it now. I thought I felt like that before, but now that sanity is seemingly/hopefully getting closer........ I dunno..

I was thinking about the book the other day. The date that I have a lot of shit saved on is a date in the future, and it's coming up in the next few months. I wonder if I'll actually finish it in time, or just bullshit? If I could keep a straight thought, or stop changing my mind so often. My brain is giving me too many options. If I were a simple-minded fucker, I'd be Gucci buuuuuuut I'm not. Ignorance may be bliss, but not to all!

"I miss the comfort in bein' saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad..."

Oh god, Kurt.. Come back to us!! LOL..

Actually, I don't need guidance. If I ask for help from anyone other than the person I ask now, there will be too many things on my plate. Not everyone can help every thing, and I don't want to spread my truth out but so far. Ya dig? I'll just keep dealing w/ him, and hiding the rest.. Like I've been doing, lol. He's def helping me stay on track w/ things tho, esp procrastinating over paperwork type shit.. I think I made mention of it before. If so, oh well. Here it is again, bitches. I'm just stoked to be getting somewhere, wtf!! The phone thing is a setback, fa sho..

"Don't.... tell me what I wanna hear... Afraid of never knowing fear.."

I'm about to post the whole song, omfg.. This has been one of my fave songs since I was like 12.. I wish I still was....... lol

I know that 'Lounge Act' is on Nevermind and not In Utero, however the iPod is on Shuffle/Nirvana, sooo smd.. And swallow.

Truth - covered in security
I can't let you smother me
I'd like to, but it couldn't work
Trading off and taking turns
I don't regret a thing

And I've got this friend, you see
Who makes me feel and I
Wanted more than I could steal
I'll arrest myself, I'll wear a shield
I'll go out of my way to prove I still
I still smell her on you

Don't - tell me what I wanna hear
Afraid of never knowing fear
Experience anything you need
I'll keep fighting jealousy
Until it's fucking gone

And I've got this friend, you see
Who makes me feel and I
Wanted more than I could steal
I'll arrest myself, I'll wear a shield
I'll go out of my way to prove I still
I still smell her on you

Truth! - covered in security
I can't let you smother me
I'd like to but it couldn't work
Trading off and taking turns
I don't regret a thing

And I've got this friend, you see
Who makes me feel and I
Wanted more than I could steal
I'll arrest myself, I'll wear a shield
I'll go out of my way to make you a deal
We've made a pact to learn from who
Ever we want without new rules
We'll share what's lost and what we grew
They'll go out of their way
To prove they still

Still smell her on you (x3)

- - - -

I hope you are old enough and smart enough to have jammed to them bitd, oh man.. Everytime I listen to Nirvana albums, I can think back to the days I realized just how fantastic they were. Like, I obv listened to them since forever and ever, amen, but as I got older and the lyrics made more sense, you know?? That prolific moment where I was just like, WHOA. LA is def one of those songs.. And 'On A Plain', which is on now. Soooo many days spent in my room, or walking around w/ my headphones on, straight jammin' and being so lost in thought. I'm lost now, and w/o music I'd never find my way home...

"Forever in debt to your priceless advice...."

Stfu, man.. <333



See, I wouldn't be able to handle Kurt Cobain as an adult.. Let's just say he lived.. God status reached upon entry, so I'd be just as obsessed in life all over again.. But worse, b/c I'm older.. If I were to be in the audience during a song like this, sang so awesomely...??? I would throw the fuck up. I'm almost (sikestillhateyoukillyourselflaurenlolbutnotreally) glad that I missed the chance to see Silverchair on my bday before, cuz I would have def hit the deeeck over Daniel Johns, good lord.

"I'd love to have your cake, and eat it, too...."

Baaaaaaaaack to my birthday cake.

My Ma apparently stocked up in Mormon food bank items, which explains the absoluuuuutely disgusting cake she made for me. I wish I could share it via blog, or even in person, but I def gave that bitch back THE next day. Like, ohhh you're out of the ER, hm?? Here's your fucking cake back, bitch.

I.... Oh my.. I just wish I knew how to explain the nastiness of the cake! WTF!! I snapped for about an hour, off and on, while eating my bday dinner w/ Lauren and Dylan.... Lucious was weak as a bitch, b/c I made him taste it jic it was just me. But no! I was right, and his exact words were "That jank is trife as a bit." Sooooo, nice try, Ma.. I wrapped the entire thing (we just ate the frosting, that was enough) in tin foil and put it in a grocery bag. I returned it the same way.

The thing is, the selfishness of it all, is what amused me the most. I literally went the fuck OFF about this cake, like I dgaf that she was currently in the hospital, or that she gave birth to me, for that matter. I was like, "I specifically recall texting her and telling her it 'better taste like love', but this mafaka tastes like she fucking HATES me, like she can't stand a bitch!"... I was tempted to throw it against a wall and leave it there, but that would've been too far.

Now, had she been home.......

Spoiled, right?? Wrong. It's her goddamn fault. As picky as we are as a family, wtf would she even ASSUME I would eat that bitch?? She fuckin' knew, I know she did. Her reaction to me walking in the following night w/ the OG cake, plus a REAL box of mix/frosting (Duncan Hines) let me know that she wasn't too sure about the bitch her damn self. I walked into some sort of fagalicious meeting w/ maaaad lil gay dudes (I hope I know someone from the ST forum, haha) w/ all that in my hands, and she goes "Oh noooo, no you didn't!"

"Ohhhh yes I did. The cake is f-n trife."

Before that, West had asked me in the driveway why I hadn't left a slice for anyone. I told her they could have the entire fucking thing back, and that was why I was there in the first place. She then proceeds to tell me that my sis Lauren told her it was "bangin", an assumption that came from NOTHING, seeing as how the entire cake was intact when I got there. HTF would she know??

Anyway, she's baking my cake Sat along w/ one for Lauren, as it is her 18th birthday. Last one of us to become legal. First one out of the baby gate, however. :|

Wtf was I about to... Oh! So again the spoiled thing....... Remember last Christmas when I blogged about how selfish my Ma was, and that I brought her a Wawa sub which she hated and flipped the fuck out over, causing me to throw it against the wall (ha...) and flip out in return?? This is the exact same way she prob felt about her sub, thus making it her fault twice-over b/c she bred that selfish nature into all 3 of us, sooooo... The phrase "Why would I even....." preceeds a lo of argument-starting sentences in our family, and always has. Or "Why would you...", as in WHY WOULD YOU BAKE ME A CAKE YOU KNOW I WON'T EAT!!!?!? Whyyyyy would I bring her a sub she wouldn't eat??, etc...

Basically, we all need to get over ourselves, but no one has been able to force us to do so, esp not our Dad who lost plenty of battles w/ her over the years. LB snapped on me once when she made me PB&J that I refused to eat, but wtf would you make me something like that KNOWING I have texture issues?? The spread of jelly I use is so thin, it's like purple paint on bread. I just want the flavor, not the actual jelly, lol. I appreciate the gesture in situations like that, but then I'm like, whyyyyy would you even do it, knowing how I am?? It's a dick thing to do/say/feel, but that's what it boils down to.

I've had people get butt hurt b/c I won't let them fix me eggs. STFU! If you know how fanatical I am about my eggs, why would you set yourself up for such a verbal lashing?? I'm not going to be gracious and eat them anyway, trust and BE-LIEVE that shit, lol. This is why I'm getting CUNT tattooed inside my lip. It's just what it is, son.

And don't waste your time on the hardball game of "Well fine, I just won't do the shit for you ever again."

Really, cuz that would be SPLENDID, OBV, HENCE MY REACTION. Nine times out of ten, I never asked for the treatment given, so that's on YOU. Ya prick! lol

Nevermind the fact that sometimes it's just funny to see how people react to my reactions. I love a non-fight fight where I can just throw witty jabs left and right, and then ask you is it THAT serious?? Or be asked, even. That makes it better, esp if YOU initiated the fight.

"IS IT??" is my typical response to that one, and I'm sure all the other assholes who read this will agree that it works best.

[Edit]

I wrote this like a week ago, and have since been BACK to my Ma's house. THIS BITCH didn't bake my cake!! I went on LA Dre's bday (my sis) and kicked it w/ the 'Phew for a lil bit. Still SO cute.. Anyway she tells me she was tired or some shit. I'm tired of not having a cake, bitch. I dgaf that I'm 27 and not 17, I WANT A BIRTHDAY CAKE AND I WANT ONE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!




My nigga is KIIIIIILLIIIIIIIIN' it, btw..

Oh, GREEEAAAAAAAATTTTTTT......

HERE WE FUCKIN' GO AGAIN!!!

WHY DID I CALL YOU!?!? WHHHHHYYYYYY??? I BROUGHT IT ON MYSELF.

Let the fucking games begin.

I will eat you ALIVE, bitch. Like the PREDATOR I am.

Holy shit.

Is it REALLY that easy to lose YOUR attention, btw? This new anxiety is all your fault.

Actually, I know the answer to that like a mowfucka, so yeah.. It IS.

Go Ask Alice.

OMFG.

BARF. There's seriously an acidy spit forming in my mouth. I wish I could remove the black widow SOMEONE just caught on their ARM and make it kill you.

And then me. There's a few hours left on my bday DEADline, yanno..

Nah.. I'm actually quite stoked for tomorrow, even w/ no concrete plans. Like I said tho, Chichos on 29th makes the most sense. Or @ least saying it on here does, cuz I'm not gonna call most of you. Just go there. At some point. LOL.

There are obv people I know you could call.. Like Lauren... Fuck it, w/e just make sure them $10 gifts come pouring in, thanks.

And nooooooo, Jessika, I have NOT forgotten about your awesomeness, this is merely a courtesy call. I luhh you, boo!

Hm.. Is it supposed to rain tomorrow?? I really dgaf, it rained in the early am of my bday last year and Jess and I just played Jungle Golf right thru it. It was like 3-4 am, @ that.

K sooooooooo, um... I think that's it. Love you bitches, hope to see ya soon!

PS, the next blog I maaaaaaay post is pre-scripted, fyi. If I don't post it, disregard this message, ty lol.

Morgan, your music is TOTALLY distracting me...

Like, seriously. I can't even type right now.. I need some headphones, wtf.. Ooooook, now that it's Vanessa Williams, I'm chillin..

"Sometimes the snoooow comes doooown in June....."

Anyway, hellooooooooo, niggerfaggots!! It's been a grip, right? Soooo much and so little has taken place in my life.. My sister had the baby Jun 6, and his name is Josiah. He waaaas... I think an oz under 6 lbs and 20 inches.. Long in the legs, just like the rest of us. The father is short, so that's pleasing.

The new generation of insane Williams children! Sorry for ya, kiddo.. Your mom is a ROYAL cunt. Saaaaaame goes for the Gma, haha... I can't wait til he's old enough for me to really tell him that. By then, I'm sure he'll have figured that part out.



Isn't he cuuuuuuuuute?? My Aunt Nene sent him that from Roanoke, along w/ a bunch of other shit. B/t the two of us, the boy is g'd up forever.. I just brought him 3 new pairs of shoes last night, on top of the 3 I gave her @ the shower.. Maaaaaaad clothes, too, omg.. I think I went overboard but I mean, it's my first nephew by blood so obv I'm gonna go all-out. And it's my baby sis, if she needs something and Iiiii can get it, obv I am. Like the cloth diapers for the burpy grossy stuff.. Apparently no one could find the ones I did, the ones that are thick?? W/e hos, I asked a CUSTOMER @ WM and they helped me find it, sooo. Maybe we just have a better Wally World??

Sooooooo yeah, the kid is hella cute and I dare you to say otherwise.. I'll delete you, right off buck @ that, haha.. Can't believe my sis pushed that cute fucker out. J/k, LA, you know I love you lol.. Weird how the youngest was the first to pop. But for real, I know it wasn't gonna be me or Lu so that obv left her. Lu is too selfish to have someone more important than him in his life, and I thought I was but maybe time has changed that. We shall see. Not ANYTIME soon, just prob not aaaaaaaaassssssss far into the future. Is that my 5-year plan??

Hey, even if it was, that works out b/c Larry and I talked about it one night walking.. If I got PG I'd just raise the kid in the house lol. Not PG by HIM, btw.. For anyone not sure of who I'm talking about. Just kill me now! I'd have a lil Webb just cuz they're so cute, but just for myself, not to raise w/ the father. Technically, I still would be, but not in the lovey way. Is that even possible?? Can you live w/ your sperm donor if he's not gay and have it neeeever become conflict?? Tawk amongst yaselves.

Whiiiiiiile you're doing that let me DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE OMFG I TOTALLY MET MY MAN-BRIDE THE DAY OF THE NKOTB SHOW OMFG DGHDSOFHGIDSHFJFIOJEFOIJEIOF;MIOMDIOESMDCIEJIOFJSMIOM _______________________________________________.

I FUCKING DID IT, FOLKS. And I said I would. I deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeef met Jesse McCartney, and DEEEEEEEEEEF fucking DIED, thanks. OMFG. I'm throwing up all over the keyboard, amazing how I can still get this story out in spite of that. LKLDJFKLSAMDLKASMKXLASMF. HE WAS SO FUCKING HOT, EW.

UGH. I spazzed when I saw him. Not TO him, duh. I'm too pro for that. B Diz, I know you feel me on THAT. HOW many awesome people have we met where we just Van Damme it until we get in the car. Liiiiiiike Faisst, etc. We got around the CORNER and shit bricks. So imagine when I saw JM standing in the hallway.. HOLY shit. I turned to every 14 yo near me and word vomited for like a full minute. I was like, "OMFG THERE HE IS. OMFG HE'S SO HOT OMFG I AM DEF GOING TO THROW THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOOOOOOOOOOMFG HIS OUTFIT, HE'S SOOOO FUCKING CUTE." lol... And MY smart ass.......

"Hi, I'm Jesse" (extends hand)
"Apparently.. (holds out poster of JM) That's what they tell me, anyway."

MEEEEEEANWHILE, I was fucking DYING to throw up all over him. I haven't even looked @ the pic yet. I want it to stay fresh in my mind the way I remember it.

AND DOOOOOOOON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE FACT THAT I WAS THISCLOSE TO A FUCKING WAHLBERG @ ONE POINT, ALONG W/ JOEY AND DANNY. SHUUUUUUUUUT THEEEEEEEE FUCK UP PLEASE THANKS OMFG NOW I AM REALLY DYING, DSOIHIGODSHGKDSJPFJLSDPF. BLOGGING IS THE BEST THING IN THE WURRRRRRRRRLD, THANKS. I NEEDED TO LET THAT OUT. The magical moments I speak of cannot be replaced, ever. A real-live Wahlberg.. Oh my... I don't mean like, front row barrier mad far status, I mean that nigga went RIGHT past me, prob like 5 feet away. I could've eaten him alive right then and there. I seriously can't even talk about that night or my blood pressure will hit the fucking roof. I screamed like I was in labor, I stg. ALLLL fucking night. I'm glad my sis had the baby the next day, and not on the 5th cuz I'da hated to msg her like, "Um, def @ New Kids, sooooooo........." :|

Anyway.. I don't even know what else to say.. There's so many funny stories, but I'm glad to have gotten those out. My soul needs blogging but Grace is working on a fix for that. Technically I could just bring my ass to VA every week like I'm supposed to, but things change. Shit happens. Don't you think I miss my weekly tea and crumpets w/ Ka?? HARDCORE. And biiiiiitch, there's SO much to talk to YOOOOUUU about. LET me tell YOU. I prooooobably will be here Thurs, jbc of that. We have our non-$2 Tues Thursdays where we just gossip for like 3 hours in the restaurant, and I NEEEEEED that, STAT. Like, wtf is faster than that?? That's when I need it. OTHER than today cuz I'm on a mission to get some shit done.

Deeeef about to go see Gracie, Foxiest Mama of all.. I left my birth cert w/ my other stuff in her garage like a jacky and everytime I go over there (which def isn't that often) I forget. NOT today, bitch. I need that mafaka..

Aaaaand she has a vaporizer she wants me to try out. Oh lawdy! ;)

Can't wait to molest that sweet ass.

Uhh, what was I juuuust thinking, stfu.... OH! I had a blizz-ast @ Brent's and then T-Ravs last night. LOL @ how many people just went "And you couldn't have CALLED ME!??!"

No, bitches, apparently not. Don't get mad, cuz I got in "late" and def spent like an hour @ my Mas when I went to drop of baby shit. Blame that on Mo, who refused to put Jojo down. Not that I was in a rush to leave. He's so fucking cute. Awesome. And we were waiting for Buttons to realize where he was. He was confused on his whereabouts, which only makes sense if you know Rob. Def kicked it maaaad hard yesterday. His girl was there, and so was SAAAARAAAAAAAH, who gave me YET ANOTHER awesomely painful guilt trip about my lack of appearances in Derby Run. And I told on myself so many times that she just laughed and said the worst part is IIII am fueling it all by telling her times I've been around, just not in the Run, or something else like that. She shot me so many evil looks, jeeeez. My fucking BAD, people! It's just... I dunno.

HOWEVER....... While I can appreciate all your concern, I'm learning a valuable life lesson I couldn't have recieved anywhere else, and that pleases me. Def learning to love things I never thought I would, or @ least never would have admitted to any of you and part of it I still won't. You already know how I am.. But there's a certain comfort in not being known all over. You are the magnificent maestro of your affairs and goings-on and w/e people know about you in the factual manner is solely based on your output.

Sooo, to anyone trying to use the Jaws of Life to extract me, don't let me cry wolf for too long, b/c I def LOVE it more than you know. Let's start w/ the fact that I could be a visable force in your lives almost everyday if I chose to. But the choice is to be where I am, so obv something there is keeping it that way. There are def gripes, but your perception of the situation is mostly incorrect, and I prefer that over you having a full-scale view into my life. Yes, he is a controlling asshole but that's never gotten in the way of our friendship before, why would it now?? LMFAO.

Esssssp after he jumped into my SOUL and snatched out one of my greatest desires and wishes in life, and randomly suggested it after a week of me mulling over it. STFU, really?? We'd already been having a lot of moments like that, but that was the seal of fate. I still cannot believe he said it. You may as well skip to the bottom if you're waiting for me to reveal what it was, cuz it's not happening.

The only thing that is happening right now is the conclusion of this blog. As usual, it's never the end of the story, but it IIISSS the end of the blog.



PS, I met Jesse McCartney. Just remember that.

PPS, I still loooooove this song/video... Rawrr!

Kibbles & bitches....

I feel like my current living situation is allowing me to be a lot more lax about things than I should be. It's not like I'm not writing, but there are so many other aspects to it. I don't want to complain b/c it almost feels like there's no reason to be. Does that make sense?? I just.......... I dunno. Time management. My life's clock against the time-consuming lifestyle of everything and nothing.

It has nothing to do w/ anyone or anything but me, so it's just this internal ball of wtf.. Like, even the blogging.. This isn't the only place I'm known for writing, but that's another part of me that's w/e...

I feel like I go to sleep @ night on a bed of quicksand. Does THAT make sense?? Like another night of rest begats another day of troubled thoughts and feelings. There's something I should and COULD be doing, and I'm not. I bear the burden of knowing better, and an even heavier burden that rests on a particularly prickly part of my poor brain.

bnhi nim nacho (I just used Nacho's paw to type "Hi, I'm Nacho" lol)

What's not helping is the fact that ______________________________. ___________________________________. ___________________________________________________________________________. _____________________________________________.

Like, are you really tryna PRE me!?!?

*shakes head*

There's nothing I can currently do about that situation. A promise is a promise, and I can't afford to lie.

The dumbest part about it all is that I've been soooo happy for the past two months. I'm not sad now, fyi, I'm just saying.. It saddens me, but not to that extreme. I'm not moping, I'm living. I'm loving pretty much every day, which is abnormal to me. Last year, Jess and I had amazing days and nights and everyone wondered how it could be, so much bliss thru so much bullshit. It's pretty much the same thing, but w/ a dif cast of characters. You would THINK I'd be completely miserable, super-emo and upset.. But....

It's just the stuff up ^. I'm happy b/c it's something only I can fix, not caused by a waterfall of drama or anything. My life isn't drama-free, don't eeeeeever think that, but the drama is something easily dealt w/, - that paragraph of _____, lol. THAT is easily dealt w/, but I can't deal w/ it. LOL.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, HOUSTON, WE NO LONGER HAVE A PROBLEM. Lisa R. Williams (that would be me) is a complete and utter idiot, holy hot fries..

LMMMMMMMMMMMFAO... REALLY!?!? Some genius, eh?? I can-NOT believe I never thought of that...

Simple bitches never prosper. Use your goddamn head once in a while, m'kay?? I just did, and I feel fantastic now. God bless the flash drive.

Woooow, I know I'm not making ANY sense @ all, but work w/ me here. I am going to write my happy fat ass off when I get home. I suuuuuure as fuck am, cuz I can just save it all where I've BEEN saving it, durrrr.

Btw, totally losing weight still even tho I suuuuper slacked off for a good month and a half. Wasn't eating out or anything, just not doing nearly as much to combat the bulge as I was @ Gmas.. However, it's not that bad b/c I'm soooo much more active in my daily life w/o working out all the time, so I'm gonna have to get back on the ball and keep it poppin. A bitch has ELBOWS again. Do you know what that feels like? I know it SOUNDS crazy, but it's awesome. And I can see the veins in my hand. Aaaaaaand ..... Well, I'll just wait and let you see, no sense in talking about it. I need to take new pics! Not having my phone is kicking my ass, let me tell you!

Gracie pointed that out yesterday.. I'm so used to having like 143 new pics a week, sometimes a day.. I want to take vids and pics, but I don't want to use a reg camera for some reason. I think it's b/c I don't have a phone. Yeah, that must be it.. Why else?? It's dumb, lol. Esp since I could have better resolution w/ an actual camera, durrr Lisa..

Today is a good day for thought processing. I love you, blog. Something told me to just open this and let'er rip.

I've gotta go and help my Mama out, so I'm ghostface, but I fuckin' miss the dog piss out of a lot of you and just don't have a way to tell you, not the way I'd like to. Some of you that I miss, I really don't want to and it's for the best that I leave it that way. Isn't it? Is that not one of the reasons I have a lot less drama?? It must be. The timetable fits perfectly.

The funniest part about Dani's blog....

isn't even the fact that she has zero room to be calling out someone else's lack of morality/true sense of friendship, (c'mon now, girl ya done been thru some shit lol)... No, def not it. It's how insanely true some of that shit was.. It's the same shit I said the last time I posted about the gossip/rumor shit.. I've been thru shit w/ Lauren since then, it just never made it's way to a blog.. Odd tho, cuz that was some real shit.....


But I digress!!! This isn't about us, this is about everyone being full of shit. This is exactly what Dani wrote, copy and pasted. Not the entire blog, just the part that really struck me as HILARIOUS;


"WHATS FUNNY TO ME iS THE PEOPLE THAT SEEM TO BE SO JUDGEiNG ARE THE PEOPLE WHO FUCK iN THEiR OWN LiFE AS WELL. YOU MiGHT NOT DO ALL THE THiNGS THAT i DO BUT COME ON LETS GET REAL! YOU PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKiNG iGNORANT. YOU WALK AROUND SAYiNG HOW YOU ALL HAVE THE BEST FRiENDS iN ONE ANOTHER BUT i SiT && LAUGH AT YOU. YOU TALK SO MUCH SHiT ABOUT ONE ANOTHER && THEN LEAVE COMMENTS ON EACH OTHERS PAGE SAYiNG " i LOVE YOU GiRL"! LMFAO!! YEAH WHAT YOU ARE iS FAKE. AT LEAST i CAN ADMiT WHAT i AM. YOU ALL HiDE && ACT LiKE YOU ARE SOMETHiNG THAT YOU AiN'T. i CAN'T EVEN COUNT HOW MANY TiMES iN THE PAST MONTHS HOW MANY TiMES i HEARD SHiT ABOUT EACH OF YOU && iTS COMMiNG FROM YOUR SO CALLED FRiENDS. i DON'T GiVE A FLYiNG RATS ASS WHAT YOU THiNK OF ME. YOU CAN ALL THiNK WHAT YOU WiLL OF ME. i AM WHO i AM! YOU GUYS THiNK B/C YOUR ON SOMEONES TOP FRiENDS OR YOU LiVE WiTH SOMEONE THEY ARE YOUR B/F && AREN'T TALKiNG SHiT. LOL GUESS WHAT THEY ARE BiTCHES! YOU CAN ALL FEEL FREE TO HATE ON ME && MY LiFE B/C iTS NOT MAKEiNG YOURS ANY BETTER!!! BUH BYE....."


TRUUUUUE MOTHERFUCKIN' STORY RIGHT THERE... Thank you!! Danielle, seriously........... Fucking THANK YOU!!! Everyone is pointing fingers, like it's just the cool thing to do.. We're all guilty so who even fucking cares anymore?? It only matters when you get caught, or think you're catching someone but the person who told you is probably the person who said it/initiated the convo in which the comment was made..


Good golly! THANK YOU!!! I'm not trying to be a dick to anyone, this isn't about my friendships, whether they be current or broken.. This is just a thank you note, someone else telling the fucking truth!! I don't know wtf is going on w/ her and Bryn, etc, I just read the blog the same way you did and def have noooooooo comment on the matter. It's just....


It's just FUCKING GRAND, is all. Suck my dick from the back, everyone!! Esp if you call yourself telling on people, that he said/she said bullshit. I don't even waste my time w/ sources, who believes anything anymore?? Half the shit people tell you someone said about them, they half believe it themselves or agree.. They just want you to know that w/o having to be the one to tell you. Ain't that some shit?? Worse than liquid courage, or talking shit when certain people are around...


I wish a bitch WOULD tell me to my face half the shit I hear about... Oh, god! I think I prefer it this way... Hearing about something gives you time to decide if you gaf or not.. If you don't, you just talk a little shit back to whoever told you and carry on w/ your day, not really sure if they're gonna turn around and do the same thing w/ said shit-talker, but not really caring either way.


At least, not if you're me... Some people go to great lengths to keep their salacious lies and bullshit w/i a closely cropped circle.. However, it rarely works out that way, and things end up the way Dani's friendships w/ the people she wrote about do, or some of my friendships as of late...


Another thing I love is when someone who is clearly guilty of talking the same amount of shit will go on the defensive like they've had your back since day 1, not really allowing the truth to come out. Like say if someone called them out during an argument w/ someone else, and they denied it w/ a bunch of shit-talking towards the conduit of truth about how they're full of shit and this, that, and the goddamn 3rd...
Everyone's so ballsy, ey...? That's how we're doin' it?? All of your balls could fit into my left sac comfortably w/ my own ball still in it. That's what I think of your mouths, your "bravery". Get off the phone, get off the computer, get in some grills, or go to fuckin' bed already, take a nap ya goddamn fetuses.. Do you not realize that this is child's play? All of it.


This isn't even my life right now.. I've got starry skies, high neighbors, the harbor and quiet happiness. I've got some shit goin' on still, don't think it's all pastels and pussy, it's just not all of that up there. It's not a finished book/screenplay either, so it's still not the outcome I want, but it's not the once-inevitable circle of utter bullshit.


I dig it.





This is the song/video I hear when I think about or encounter haters... My imaginary long Asian hair just whips in the wind as I shred on your fucking souls, lmmmmmfao.. Fuuuuuck you!


That bitch the other day shoulda hated on me, esp when I placed my entire aura of life b/t her and her man, and proceeded to make away like the thief that I am!


That's how ya do it, girls.. Right in their faces, so you don't have to hear all of that "You ______ behind my back!!" shit, hahaha... Here's my middle finger, right in the center of your stupid pupils.. Suck on it, just like it's my diiiiiiiiiick.........!!!


Muahaha!! And he called YOU a devil..........

I think I have a hernia....

A paraesophageal hernia, to be exact. Wouldn't that suck?? How do you find that out w/o being raped by Dr. Money?? Jeeeeeeeeeeez.. As if I don't have enough problems..

My Gma's sister died. I think yesterday. My mom told me yesterday when I was @ Brent's, and she was on the phone w/ my Gma when I called. Either way..... Jeeeeez.. Even THAT is causing me more headache than it should. I don't even want to think about that vomit-inducing shit.. Are solutions permanent?? Like, do permanent solutions exist?? Not in my line of work.

So much shit on my mind, it's ridiculous... I am a firm believer in escapism, so I've found ways around most of it, lol. Btw, Shaaaaaaay omfg, everything had us so fuckin' weak last night, haha.. Tell Josh I said ty lol and OMFG I DEF JUST REMEMBERED THE FRUIT BY THE FOOT YOU GAVE ME, WOOHOOOOOOO..

Sanctuary!

I need it. I kinda have one, but sooooooomething tells me...........

Nothing lasts forever, nothing but regret and bullshit. Bad decisions last a lifetime, don't they? LOL.....

Morgan, where you be @?? I need to talk to yoooouuuuu, honeydear..

My world gets better & worse @ the same time, all the time.. WTF!! My mood is already set to 'busy'... Which I'm not, not physically. It's my BRAIN that's busy... I don't even have time to think, all thought time is taken up unvoluntarily, but that's just me..

I don't mean for this to sound like I'm just having a horrible time w/ people/life etc.. There's an incredible amount of stability compared to previous months, cuz like I said before, Ka is hell-bent making me more human.. Humane?? Hm, maybe not so much, as I am still a sadistic asshole, but I found a lil Charmin..

I've had a lot of fun recently, which is what I always say so that just goes to show.. I have fun all the damn time, more than the average ho, I suppose.. I know what I'm NOT doing, so it's ok.. It could all be worse, but let's not think about that! I'm striving for the opposite effects.

Hm, totally forgot what I was about to say next... It was probably just a heavy sigh laced w/ laughter.

Ha, I just came up w/ some sick shit but I most def deleted it.. You'll prob see or read it eventually...

Oh, and btw.. Guess who's not coming to dinner?? My book, apparently. I haven't written in a grip.. Not like scary status, just a grip to ME.. The current situation will prob bring about a lot of notebook writing, which is what I've been heavily avoiding ever since I stopped avoiding it. Does that make sense??

It's me, does it really HAVE to?? No, lol.

Neither does this awesome segue into the new RuPaul video, which reminds me SO much of the one for 'What What (In The Butt)'... Put that bass in your walk!! That's my shit, haha....



And here's WW ITB;



Ahhhhhh... Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

Insomnia is a bitch.

I mean, seriously. If I weren't so afraid to Heath-out, I'd be taking sleeping pills. This has been an on-going thing since I was like 10 years old... That's 16 years of late-nite crap shows and an undying love affair w/ computers/cartoons lol..

And I want to be famous?? Then again, I function on little to no sleep as it is, usually only getting around 5-6 hours a night, and that's after dealing w/ all the bullshit I gotta deal w/.. Mad people I know complain about being tired all the time, but half of them do even less than I do during the daytime hours. Even w/ doing sit-ups etc, I have the energy.

This is why people smoke weed.. Has to be the only way to get a good night's rest these days...

I WANNA BE SEDATED.

But not really, cuz like I said before, the whole Heath thing is kinda :| soooo yeah. Plus, Brad said don't do drugs, haha..

OMFGAAAAAAAAAD.

And it's only going to get worse, watch.. Anything I plan on going after, career-wise, will leave me wide awake and drooling over random items on the internet.

Which, btw reminds me that I def wanted to post some things I'm currently coveting, I will soon tho. Whenever I get the chance. I always say that, but people don't understand how I am. I don't like going balls to the wall w/ people around me, I like a quiet riot. People who look over my shoulder, for any reason, should be shot in the face. I try to avoid doing that to people, unless they are obviously wanting you to look. I wish computers were only visible to the user. The screens @ least, that way I can clickity-clack in peace @ all times.

Don't you think?? That would be fantastic.

If I laugh, turn away. If I cry, turn away. If I cough, turn away.

This wasn't inspired by anything recently btw, it actually came from something I just saw on tv. It just reminded me of that, and thus began the rant haha.

PS, my belt looks like a crazy penis under my shirt. Why am I even still fully dressed?? Like I'm going somewhere AAAAAANYTIME soon. I mean, I have a lil trip tomorrow w/ a few places to stop and grab/drop shit off, but other than that...

Not tonight.........

I think I'm gonna go read. Everytime I get a few pages in, I pass out. Maaaaybe that's b/c.......

I dunno. Certain things just make you reeeeally tired.

This SOUNDS like some kind of insomniac rambling.... Someone said to me recently that I never go to sleep... Oh, JARED it was YO mafakin' ass.. Yeah, I prob will be up til 7, basically until my eeyeballs are dripping blood.

And then I'll get up @ 11 for The View.

*yawns*

K. Night.

PS, I really did yawn. Not that it matters, but yeah. And I feel another one comiiiiiii knew it.. Mm, yawns are scrumptious nummies to the soul.

Maybe that's why I suddenly can't stop? Is it a sign? Bedtime?? Ooh, wee!



PPS, I chose this video before I started the blog (sometimes, sometimes not) b/c thinking of staying awake made me think of Staying Alive, which btw I would love to do for as long as possible. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

*yawns for the 5th time*

Aaaaalrighty then.

I owe so many blogs.

A ridiculous amount, in fact.

*sigh*

But more importantly....

Like I stated in the last blog, I've lost 33 goddamn lbs recently, and that's all I'm really worried about right now, being healthy and getting shit done for myself.

Say what you want, cuz you obv don't know me anymore.

Oh, ohh ohhh my dear friends, I feel wonderful. I wish you could've seen my face last night after the weigh-in. Ridiculous!! I had tears in my eyes, no bullshit. Just like on Happy Boobie Day, I was a little verklempt!

I'm just really excited. I don't know what's gonna happen w/ all that's going on in the next few months, but I'm looking forward to most of it.

Like Brad said, fuck all y'all! I'm doin' ME! A change has come.. I'm gettin' my Obama on! :D

What I want to know is.........

What were ya'll talking about that led to you telling them not to trust me/tell me things... Beyond the blogs, b/c obv something led to THAT part as well...

Talkin' shit, perhaps?? Maybe it was on the same day that I have been fully notified about, that I KNOW ya'll were talking shit on...

Was it that day??

When can we get to the day when I hear it first-hand?? Ya'll scared motherfuckers can't never say shit to me that matters, sooooo..

And YOU, c'mon.. I threw you a bone! I tossed a random comment into the bowl that gave you a DIRECT segue into what it is you apparantly can't be bothered to tell me. If something made ME so mad I couldn't hardly breathe when talking about it, I'd def say something. Thanks btw, homie, for your little chime-ins. I fully appreciate that. :|

Such fraudulent behaviour, oh my!

If I was REEEEEEALLY puttin' ya'lls business out there, wooooooooooo BOY!!

Let's just say I highly doubt the invitation of co-residency would've have been extended.

The best part about her telling me that was all of the convo leading up to it. Hello, Pot? It's Kettle. You're black!

I dgaf about that tho, that's just us/you/me whatever type shit. You'll actually air your grievances w/ me... HOWEVER ol' girl is CONSTANTLY having little flutters of truth reach me by way of someone else.. A few someone elses, including Mr. '09 who most deeeeeeeef gossips TEN TIMES more than I ever could, but everyone's suckin' his dick for Ls so it's cool, just run your mouth to him like it'll never reach my eardrums, mkay??

And that goes for everyone else you've spoken to that immediately let me know what's up..

EV-ER-Y-BODY TALKS. I KNOW WAAAAAY TOO MUCH ABOUT AAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL OF YOU.

So watch your fucking mouths, thanks.

That's the shit I'm talkin' about!!! If I really wanted to set it off, I would've been done it!! I'm not afraid, so get over yourselves!! LMMMFAO! I LOVE it! Like I told Brandi, I'm a writer who's work almost always derives from real life. Not only that, but your placement in my life has a lot to do w/ how I deal w/ situations having to do w/ you.

I WOULD say you could just blow it out your ass, buuuuuuut that seems to be the path of "righteousness" these days......

THOSE days, too, you just don't think I know.

Just as an FYI, this is an open letter to SEVERAL people, not just the usual suspect.

Because that would be, well, unjust.

Haha, such mean girls... You're Regina, and she's Cady (along w/ Sarah). Mr. '09 is Gretchen/Damien, and all the rest of'em are Karen. I guess that makes me Janis? Smile for the camera! Plastic-ass bullshit. No one even likes anyone anymore, but who else are you gonna get high w/??

I don't even want to BE in this mediocre bullshit town anymore. This is all we have to do, obviously, cuz it's the most recurrent and steady thing around. And because none of my real friends have been around, they are unaware of the great strides I have taken in becoming a more well-rounded human being. They just sit around and talk shit like they have a fucking clue/LIFE. I've lost 33 pounds recently, and that was w/o any of your help.

I'd been asking my friends for years to get involved w/ me, and everyone made the same empty promises even tho I was seriously asking for help. So ty MORGAN for following thru w/ it and sticking to your guns alongside me. I love watching them bend over backwards to help each other, but there is no trust, and no real faith. I could prove all of this and just lay the bullshit to rest, but I don't want to deplete your social lives.

The best part about you not wanting me HERE is I'm never HERE anyway.

But AGAIN, b/c no one else has Grande Cahoonas (ty Shay) like me, I'm the bad guy.

Well then call me Lisa Montana, motherfuckers, cuz it'll be a virtual bloodbath if I ever decide I'm REALLY tired of it all.

I keep making excuses on why I haven't, but I'm running out of time and patience w/ the matter. Comeuppance is upon you.

Iiiiiiin closing, when I say real friends, I meant the core staple of people that I'm known to associate w/, or was known to, I should say. No disrespect meant to anyone else. If you feel the burn, it's cuz you're standing in the flames.

The most relevant part starts @ 3:03.



"Those bitches."

See, the thing is.... [LRW ♥ JTL]

I want to finish/post that blog, but I don't think it'll be enough.

For some reason, the hardest thing I've tried to do in recent times OTHER than become a stable person, is to convince you that YOU are a stable, fully functioning and wanted-on-this-earth human being.

I've heard so many people compliment you on so many things in the tenure of our friendship, and that is not enough. It's obvious to see that it's never gonna be enough. I mean, it's 2009 and you still don't know your self-worth?? How can that be?? That's RIDICULOUS... I go thru this w/ Morgan allll the time.

Not happy? Fake it 'til you make it, babycakes... Do you feel like shit today?? That's just more of a reason to do that stiff neck thing we talked about @ dinner last night lol. I hope you realize that you sound retarded *no Corky* when you down yourself. No one looking from the outside in is EVER going to be able to accept your flaws as fact. Like I said, on the SURFACE, you seem to be the most put together and stable person in the entiiiiiiiire group!!

Yes, life is SHIIIIITTYYYYYY, ESP humanity in itself. But even me w/ my never-ending story, I walk around like I JUST got done reading a text from Jesus telling me that I "fucking rock", so yoooooou should DEF be doing the same. People made you feel like shit?? Meeeee too. Poor growing up? MEEEEEEEEEE TOOOOOOOOO. Hello, Willoughby Navy brat here! We were ALL poor.

If someone doesn't like you, dude, they obviously don't know you. I watched you pour yourself and your bank account into a group of friends comprised mostly of devils in disguise, b/c it was the nice thing to do, and you wanted people to be happy and like you....

FOR WHAT???

Like..... Can we do stat comparisons?? Do I have to go on ESPN to make this make sense?? You def come out as the better person. As in more from the heart, not like a snooty cunt.

I need the power to brainwash. I think I possess it slightly, but not to the effect that I'm talking about. I would have you whipped into shape in NO time. Are any of your ex's doing better w/o you?? No?? K, well fuck'em. Esp the one we ran into @ the mall the other day, lmmmmmfao. How AWESOME was that....

BUT I DIGRESS.........

To be loved is WONDERFUL, but to love YOURSELF is eeeeven better, and I don't think you do. I mean, you do in the sense that you don't load yourself up w/ drugs & alcohol like the rest of the populus, but that's in a diff context. That's just life preservation. I'm sorry that whoever hurt you was able to have such a lasting effect, but damn woman... Holding on to shit like that is part of the reason why my family life is sooooooo strained, and I CANNOT let it go. It hasn't gotten me ANY further in my life, just literal chapters in the book of life.

You're much too young to feel this damn old, and to be feeling so sorry for yourself. No one wants to make you happy?? Do it your damn self! And don't say you do, b/c this wouldn't be in progress if you did. Yes, you do small things to please yourself, like buying your dope-ass rich lady bags, etc.. But those are just fillers.

The ball is in YOUR court. The world is waiting on YOU, so wtf!!! I CRIED talking to you yesterday, like are you serious? And yet you constantly question your importance in my life.. JUST STOP! Stop and staaaaaaaare if you have to, lol. Stare @ yourself long enough to see what we see. Stop waiting for a man to make you feel pretty. Self-pity is U-G-L-Y, and you damn sure ain't got NO alibi... Where were you on the night you realized you were beautiful, ma'am??

Oh, wait. Like some Y2k shit, to you it's a myth that has yet to be proven.

RETARD! LMMFAO. I mean that in the best way, I hope you know that. And I mean THAT in the best way, not the sarcastic shit I'm usually on. I know how you love to read waaaaaay too much into shit.

In the past what, almost a month now?? We have been together pretty much every damn day, and w/ each day that passes I just want to do more and more for myself. If we could just mesh for a day, that would be FAAANTASTIC. I told you, man... You def do inspire me. W/ every dinner date, and there's been PLEEEEEEEEENTY, w/ every random night sitting @ Brent's.. I'm just looking from the outside in and that is what I want, from what I can see. You've got so much going for you, so wtf. I wish I could say that. I WANT to say that.

I WILL say that, just not today, tomorrow, next week, or next year.. Hopefully that's wrong, but it's a 311 lyric so I just ran w/ it, haha. So is my current s/n on here, btw.

You're stronger than you think. I mean, you went thru all the things that are beating you over the head, and your motherfuckin' ass (which is looooovely, fyi) is still alive soooooo... What's gooooooood, dun-dun!?! Haha..

I thought you were rap's MVP?? Get your swag on, bitch!



You just gotta keep on tryyyyyyyin, til you reeeeaaaach the highest grooouuuuund...

Or just get high, fuck!

You = pure genius/complete lunatic, and that's why you're so rad.. You're truly, truly, TRULY outrageous.

GROW

THE

FUCK

UP.

SERIOUSLY.

THAT IS A DIRECT ORDER.

OMFG.

VIRGINIA BEACH IS OFFICIALLY TOO MUCH FOR ME.

I'M ALABAMMY BOUND.

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

LMMMMMMMMMMMMMMFAO.

REALLY!??

I WILL PRAY FOR YOU.

CHUCKLE FUCKING CHUCKLE.

WAIT.

THEY DON'T LOVE YOU LIKE...........

NO ONE LOVES YOU?

MAPS.

DIRECTED TOWARDS REALITY.

STFU.

THANKS.

PREEEEEEEESH.

P.S.

I BET YOU KNOW THIS BLOG IS ABOUT YOU.

DON'T YOU?

DON'T YOOOOOOOUUUUUUU.

The deadly path of Brad Renfro

[From last year. Very informative tho. I think I have it bookmarked still....]

Brad Renfro had insisted over the phone that he was clean. That's what the teen actor, hot from his performances as a troubled youth with sad eyes in such films as "The Client" and "Sleepers," told director Larry Clark. Clark, one of America's foremost chroniclers of teenage desperation, had just cast Renfro as the lead in "Bully," his true-life tale of a bunch of pot-smoking Florida teenagers who murder the local bully.

But then Clark met his 18-year-old star.

The director, who'd once battled heroin addiction himself, stopped by Renfro's Knoxville, Tenn., home on the way to the film's Florida location. It was the summer of 2000, and Renfro emerged from the house that he shared with his grandmother with blood streaming down his arms. He was bloated and looked 35. And so continued a painful, downward spiral — one of the most excruciating Hollywood has seen of late.

"I said, 'What the (hell) are you doing?' " recalls Clark. "He'd been banging coke. He has tracks running down both arms. He looks horrible. I just saw the whole movie going down the drain." (Financing was contingent on Renfro's participation.)

Clark spent the next three days with Renfro. They talked. The young actor cried often, and continued to shoot up cocaine. Clark hatched a plan to get him clean for production.

"I kidnapped him," says the director. The pair jumped in the car one day, on the director's pretense of going somewhere, and Clark just "gunned it" for Florida. "He kicked in the car. He had a seizure. There's nothing you can do. It doesn't last that long."

In Florida, the production hired a trainer and a minder for Renfro. Clark took Renfro to 12-step meetings. Still, in the evenings, Renfro would manage to finagle alcohol.

Clark adds, "I've been around a lot of addicts and alcoholics, and I remember thinking at the time, this is one of the worst cases I've ever seen."

Brad Renfro died Jan. 15, 2008. He was 25.

A week later, 28-year-old Heath Ledger was found dead in his New York apartment. He died of a lethal cocktail of prescription drugs — among them medications that go by the brand names OxyContin, Vicodin, Valium, Xanax, Restoril and Unisom.

The cycle of destructiveness seems to have accelerated. It was shocking in 1993 when River Phoenix overdosed from heroin and cocaine at age 23, shocking because of his youth. Now we live in a time when The Associated Press is prewriting Britney Spears' obituary. Has Hollywood become an incubator of abuse or a mirror of society? Or are we all just more aware of its troubled denizens because of the hyper 24/7 coverage?

The element of surprise

The blogosphere was buzzing Monday with discussion of why Renfro was left out of the Academy Awards tribute to Hollywood figures who died in the past year.

Renfro's death saddened those who knew him, but did not surprise them. Many in Hollywood had tried to help him, but his addiction torpedoed relationships and his career. There were small obits, much smaller than his last high-profile appearance in the media, a photograph of Renfro in handcuffs on the front of the Los Angeles Times, arrested during a 2005 raid of Skid Row for trying to buy heroin.

In contrast, Ledger's passing provoked an outpouring of public grief about talent cut short before its full blossoming. The fiercely talented Ledger certainly did not seem like a man in self-destruction's grip. Yet after his death, tabloids ran stories of the Oscar nominee's supposed double life. Unnamed sources talked about his use of cocaine, heroin and other drugs, which were said to have contributed to the dissolution of his relationship with girlfriend Michelle Williams and subsequent despair.

Still, unlike Renfro, Ledger had spent the last year of his life working frantically, hurling himself into a multicontinent shoot as the crazed Joker in "The Dark Knight," and then plunging into Terry Gilliam's "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus."

All through January, Ledger worked despite having a bad cold that turned into pneumonia. He told The New York Times in November, "Last week, I probably slept an average of two hours a night. I couldn't stop thinking. My body was exhausted and my mind was still going."

Abuse "underreported"?

In his professional drive, Ledger was different from the members of young Hollywood who usually end up in the tabloids and the police blotters. Paparazzi have been bolstering their bottom lines with an endless array of women in distress — pretty 20-somethings such as Lindsay Lohan and Spears. Who knows whether women are actually suffering more than men? It's just that the tabloid-fashion-restaurant industries depend on pretty girls to sell magazines, clothes and trendy clubs.

"Drug abuse is so much more underreported than anyone realizes," says one former studio chief, who declined to be named, adding, "I think they (actors) all take a lot of drugs."

Just in recent days, which included Spears' midnight motorcade to the hospital, starlet Eva Mendes checked into rehab. The hit list of young actors with one-time substance-abuse problems includes Balthazar Getty, Ben Affleck and Juliette Lewis.

"I just think what we see in young Hollywood is reflective in what we see happening in young America — the pandemic of drug addiction," says Dr. Drew Pinsky, who appears in VH1's "Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew." "Where we're losing ground is pharmaceuticals."

According to a 2006 survey by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, while illegal drug use remains steady, pharmaceutical drug abuse is going up among young adults. Pinsky reels off some popular culprits: Valium, Ambien, Vicodin, OxyContin, Ritalin.

Relying on insurance

It's notoriously hard to control an addicted celebrity, and sometimes the only reliable checks seem to be the insurance companies and the police. The insurance companies can refuse to insure substance abusers. A representative for Fireman's Fund Insurance, which covers most studio films, says about 10 percent of productions have actors with these issues.

Once an actor has a brush with the law, it can become much harder to get insured. In the recently published "Conversations With Woody Allen," the director bemoans how he'd wanted to cast Robert Downey Jr. and Winona Ryder in "Melinda and Melinda" but couldn't get them covered. Downey had spent a stint in jail on drug charges; when authorities busted Ryder for shoplifting in 2001, they found eight different painkillers in her purse. "We were heartbroken because I had worked with Winona before and thought she was perfect for this."

Yet one lawyer who deals frequently with insurance issues points out that all kinds of deals can be made for a superstar, like daily drug testing or furnishing a sober companion, but "as someone's star begins to fall, there's a lot less will to justify the hoops."

Casting "problem child"

Brad Renfro's whole career started, improbably enough, because as an 11-year-old fifth-grader he'd been difficult in a Drug Abuse Resistance Education class taught by a retired policeman. "He was absolutely your problem child," says Dennis Bowman. "The very first day, I kicked him out of class." Bowman grew to like Renfro, but "he was still a piece of work as far as being out of control."

By many accounts, he came from a troubled background. His dad, a factory worker, and his mom split up when he was a toddler, and his mom deposited him on the Knoxville inner-city steps of his paternal grandmother. Says Bowman, "The grandmother was trying her best to raise a kid who was taking advantage of the situation and creating a lot of stress on her."

At the time, the late casting director Mali Finn was conducting a search for a kid to star in "The Client," the movie version of the John Grisham legal thriller about a Southern trailer-park kid who winds up embroiled in a Mafia hit. "We wanted that kid in the principal's office. That endearing, mischievous boy that may be lying to you, may not be telling you the truth, but you're still charmed by him," says casting director Emily Schweber, Finn's associate at the time. When one of Finn's letters describing their search arrived at the Knoxville Police Department, Bowman immediately thought of Renfro.

After auditioning him in her hotel room, Finn called Schweber and said, "I found him." Renfro and his grandmother later flew to California to screen-test. They'd never been on a plane or stayed in a hotel. "He was really fun, really charming, a little bit wild and amazing in the scenes. Where he learned how to do this, I don't know. Some kids really enjoy role-playing and acting," says Schweber. "He had a lot of energy, but sometimes he did have dark moods."

Both Finn and Joel Schumacher later called J.J. Harris, who now manages such stars as Charlize Theron, to check out their child lead. Harris flew to the North Carolina set to watch Renfro work and was charmed. "You just wanted to take care of this boy. He was a gorgeous little boy. Rough-and-tumble. Very self-aware," she says. "He'd say things like, 'Nobody can put up with me 'cause I'm too hot to handle.' " Adds Harris, "He was just obviously screaming for someone to establish some kind of boundaries for him, something that never happened in his life."

When Bowman finally saw "The Client," he thought Renfro "wasn't acting. Brad played himself. He had these street smarts and the swagger of a 19- or 20-year-old. If you met somebody like that now, your first reaction would be, 'What a punk.' But you scrape away all these layers, you think this is a 12-year-old trying to act tough."

Signs of trouble, talent

Even then there were signs of addiction issues. Renfro could be sneaky. As one who knew him well noted, any bottles of booze would invariably disappear when Renfro was around. Still, he managed to launch his career, flying from Knoxville to Los Angeles, often by himself, for auditions. The assistants at his agency, United Talent Agency, would drive him to meetings with casting directors, and the rest of the time he'd mostly cruise the agency halls and flirt with all the women. "This wasn't a bad kid — this was a really emotionally abandoned person," says Harris.

His vulnerability combined with a tough persona entranced Hollywood. He was cast as a compassionate roughneck who befriends a kid suffering from AIDS in "The Cure," and as Huck Finn in "Tom and Huck." "He was exactly what you would expect — a brooding, intense, rebellious fellow," says "Tom and Huck" producer Larry Mark. "He got a kick out of not going the straight and narrow."

In "Sleepers," Barry Levinson's drama about four neighborhood kids who are abused by sadistic guards in juvenile prison, he played the younger version of Brad Pitt's character. Knowing of his wildness, Levinson mandated that Renfro be accompanied by a minder 24 hours a day. Levinson later told a reporter, "He was fraught with demons and needed help."

In "Apt Pupil," Renfro's last major studio movie, he played a compassionless A-student entranced by a former Nazi commandant — played by Ian McKellen — living incognito in the suburbs. "I knew he'd been wrestling for years with different problems," says director Bryan Singer. "But on workdays, he was always focused and into it. Quite professional." And good, particularly in his mad tango with the British pro McKellen. "You could see moment by moment them learning from each other and a lot of mutual respect."

"You would kind of forgive him"

But off-screen, there could be a manic energy and a radiating neediness. "You could tell he didn't have any sort of adult guidance. People couldn't help themselves but become unofficial guardians of him. There were a lot of people on the crew — everyone from costumers to electricians — always trying to support him," says producer Don Murphy.

In 1998, the year "Apt Pupil" was released, Renfro was busted for cocaine and marijuana, and began what became a long odyssey through the legal system, with a half-dozen arrests.

Although Clark had a minder staying with Renfro during the "Bully" production in the summer of 2000, the actor climbed out a second-story window and stole down to a nearby marina. According to Clark, Renfro "met some coke dealer and got (messed) up." He hot-wired a yacht and gunned it — except he forgot to untie the boat. Renfro was arrested and charged with grand theft. He ultimately pleaded out and was sentenced to a fine and two years' probation.

"Bully" had to shut down for a day, and when the young actor got out of jail, he had to go straight to shooting a scene in which he emerges from the ocean and impresses a raft of girls with his youthful charisma. "He's all dehydrated and feels terrible," recalls Clark. "But he could just do stuff like that, and he was young. He was a very natural actor. He didn't study his lines. I doubt he read the whole script, but when you turned on the camera, he was magic.

"He was so good, you would kind of forgive him for being a (screw)-up." He pauses. "For a minute."

Escalating trouble

Yet, after causing a delay on "Bully," it became hard for Renfro to get insurance, says Harris, and hence harder for him to land parts. "It got to a place where I ran out of options," says the agent, who'd seen him through two stints at rehab and numerous futile conversations about staying clean. "He'd either get really angry, laugh it off or change the subject," she says, remembering how Renfro used to come into her office, lie on the couch and complain about what seemed like alcohol poisoning. " 'I'm nauseous. I can't see straight. I feel like my heart is palpitating,' and then he'd usually fall asleep."

To those in Hollywood, he inevitably seemed worse when he returned from his home in Knoxville. Or when he wasn't working, and there wasn't a Hollywood-designated minder watching over him.

"He wasn't good at that going-home bit, going back to his life" after the social activity of a movie set, adds Guy Ferland. As an associate producer on "The Client," Ferland would help keep Renfro healthily occupied in off hours, and he also directed him in "Telling Lies in America." "I'm not sure Brad really liked being alone. There was always some party, whatever he needed to do to keep the energy going."

Renfro quit J.J. Harris around 2001 and never spoke to her again, although he continued to work on smaller films, little-seen, sometimes low-rent indies such as "Deuces Wild" and "The Job."

Renfro died from an accidental overdose of heroin, Los Angeles County coroner's officials said. A Los Angeles roommate found him dead in his bed. Two days earlier, he'd had an obscene tattoo applied to his chest.



Btw, the tattoo was 'Fuck All Ya'll'... Very DGAF, dontcha think??

Hate the fact that he had a Myspace, btw. Haaaaaate.

I currently hate everything about him.

This is where I tip the scales

of sanity.

Again, another video featuring Brad Renfro. I wonder how many years I'll do this.. I aaaaaaaalways posted on his bday, same w/ 311 day.. Old habits die hard. I mean, c'mon.. I was subscribed online to his local Knoxville newspaper, just b/c...

Grr.. I dredged up some good articles, pics etc for today.. Just distributing them @ random.. Prob only have one more blog in me before I want to shoot myself in the face.

Dennis Bowman, the former D.A.R.E. officer who discovered Brad, told the Knoxville News Sentinel (the one I was sub'd to, lol),

“With all the other problems he had, I can’t say I was dumbfounded (at his death). I told everybody in 1993, `This will either be the best thing or the worst thing for Brad. Time will tell.’ I guess it told today.”

Whiiiiiiiiich is exactly what I said about wishing he'd never become famous in the first place, etc. Minus the fact that I would've had to obsess over someone else. Silverchair broke in the US noooot too long after that whole thing started so I would've had Daniel Johns either way, haha.

He could've lived forever and a day, what the fuck! And they always say that it's worse for someone who's kicked a drug like heroin to do it again even once after they're clean b/c it's suuuuch a shock to the system. His body just couldn't handle that shit no more, so it kicked FOR him. Unfortunately it was more like when you go to the bathroom and someone grabs the controller while you're gone and says you can't play anymore.

Shitty!

But hey, such is life.

And death.



[Looooove this video, btw. Brad and Pharrell, oh my! See? HE HAD A VIRGINIAN CONNECTION. IT WAS MEANT TO BE, HE JUST FUCKED IT ALL UP!]

Love thy neighbor??

[Yeeeesssssss]

Brad was my neighbor. SadIy I realize I was in his last movie as well.

Brad Renfro died days before Heath Ledger from an apparent heroin overdose.

It’s ironic that even in death his achievements would not even be seen “for the wrong reasons”.

He was a neighbor for a year or two prior to his heroin arrest. I occasionally spoke with him a little becuase we both had family in Knoxville, TN. He was a neighbor also at the time of his heroin arrest and he told me the day after the arrest was plastered all over the front page of the Los Angeles paper and he became the number one story on Google News that “You can do a lifetime of work and not get noticed but if you do something wrong you get all this coverage.” I remember he also told me he hoped it wouldn't hurt his career becuase acting was what he knew and loved. He was serious about his work.

Ironically less than what - a year?- later he overdosed on heroine and was found dead and made the pages of papers all over the country with comparisons being made to James Dean …until Heath Ledger died days later and Brad’s story was completely lost to history. Could there be greater irony than even in death when Hollywood usually cements your place in history that Brad missed that recognition becuase of another's subsequent death?

Weirdly it all just hit home again for me becuase just now I realize that I had a brief appearance in his last movie "The Informers" http://pro.imdb.com/name/nm1222064/ as a mourner after a boy in the movie dies too young apparently ( I don't know the plot details becuase I worked the movie for one day and all I know was it was a memorial service reception scene with a distraught family who apparently lost a boy.)

The only people in my scene were Billy Bob Thornton and Kim Basinger so I didn't even realize Brad was in it until looking at the IMDB credits just now.

Brad was good kid who seemed to have honest fun in a town with a surprising lack of normal activities and he never seemed to have malicious or mean intent. He was often riding ultramini motorcycles around the block or working and practicing with his Led Zeppelin cover band. He was excited that his band got a play date on Melrose in a Club called "The Spot" at one point and invited me to go but I was working on a tv show late I think.

He was always polite and considerate and respectful and a good neighbor and would be extremely apologetic if he made too much noise which is frankly unusual in Hollywood. He had also told me after recently coming back from Japan he was happy to learn he had a child and was happy with how the girl was handling it. He seemed pleased and happy about it all and thought it would be a good thing.

While to many he appeared reckless I guess becuase of his past reputation, I gave him a lot of credit for making his own way in Hollywood - especially after he told me how young he was - I was shocked to learn he was so young. To a neighbor he just seemed like a young guy having fun who would have a few beers with his friends - nothing unusual - nothing bad. He also had a local girlfriend who seemed with her family to be trying to help him stay on the right path and he spoke highly of her and she often visited.

The day after his arrest I spoke to him, and I believe it was then that he had once told me he was born addicted to heroin. While I don't know the details of his situation with drugs other than his arrest (and nothing was evident from being his neighbor), he told me after his arrest he would probably be doing some time in prison and that he hoped he would be making a clean break from it. Someone else moved into his old apartment after that and I hadn't thought about him for some time and began to be curious if he had been released from his sentence and what he was up to just about the time I read he had passed away. It was a shock.

I think he was a good soul. Ironically I hadn't seen much of his film work except his first movie but began Tivoing his films after he moved out and I began to be on more and more sets myself. He was very gifted.

I really think if Heath Ledger had not died so quickly after Brad's passing or if Brad had been in the movie Brokeback Mountain which got so much attention in Hollywood that year that we would be recognizing Brad's talent in a much bigger way. I believe he had been up for the role of young Brad Pitt in the Assassination of Jesse James and had told me he might get it becuase he had once played Brad Pitt in someway in an earlier role. Sadly he didn't get the part but he got several others.

From what I read in the paper he died in his sleep and no one in the new apartment with him the night he died even thought he had a problem becuase they could hear him sleeping soundly.

I just felt such a sadness. I really feel he was a young guy with a good heart who was struggling to make his way in a town with few guidelines or clear directions for living. It's always a shock to learn someone you know was so close to an edge, or perhaps more accurately it is a shock to learn that the edge is so near for all of us but we don't know it and it's so easy to slip over it.

I am especially sad for the local girl who I know had tried to be a positive part of his life - I hope she knows she was a positive influence, and for his child in Japan who now won't have a chance to know his father.

It is truly tragic, and I believe it was beyond Brad's ability to control his situation with heroin. If only heroin gave you a warning before it killed you rather than easing you into a warm blanket of nothingness - he would probably still be here.



[Yes, another video w/ him in it. DEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAL the way I cannot.]

Could you pass the salt??

Iiiiiiiii just threw the fuck up ALLL over the place.

I'm listening to an interview w/ one of Brad's cousins where he's talking about him and how Hollywood ate him up, etc. I def def DEF DEF DEEEEEEF don't need to hear it, but I feel compelled! Ugh!

To listen to the excerpts, click here. The ones to listen to are Jesse talks about PROUD OF YOU, aaaand obv the one that says Brad Renfro on it, lol.



Most of you should remember this song, def still comes on the radio. The lead singer is Brad's cousin, and the song/video are about him. He's in it, which makes it that much worse to watch now. I haven't seen it in the last year (on purpose), what a day to pick @ scabs! :|

He's so beeeeeeeauuuuuutiful, aw man. Or was, waaaaaaas. WAS so beautiful, at least to me.

GOOD GRIEF!

"I never thought you'd be a junkie... [!!!!]

because heroin is so passe...."

One year down, a lifetime of VOMITING PROFUSELY @ THE MERE MENTION OF HIM TO GO. :|

I don't even know what I want to say. I've pretty much said all that I can say about the situation. So many random things lately have revolved around Brad, but I've ignored the majority of it.

This is some 'ol bullshit!

This time last year, you were alive and "well", prob not even awake if you think about the time zones..

ljshglsdhgl;dshlghds;gldshg

I seriously don't know wtf I wanted to say.......... I thought about this a lot, pretty much every day since Jan 16 last year. What I was gonna write today....

And now I don't know! I blogged about it so much, everyone knows already. Yes, the obsession is still there, however since Jan started it's been a lot easier to look @ pics etc, or watch movies. I think watching 'Tom and Huck' @ Reva's like 2 weeks ago is what changed it. How random is that?? But as soon as they showed him, I felt this warmth and it was like..... Ok... It's cool. I got this. Ever since then, it's been normal. Obv still mournful but not in the same way. It's more of a peaceful thought.

Dooooooon't get it twisted tho, I could watch 'The Client' today and immediately want to hang myself in Stevo's bathroom. Who knows? Should I even tempt fate?? Nah. I have so many things in my life to get straight, I can't be bothered w/ thoughts like that, esp when I know I don't want to die.

It just would've been nice for him to live, that's all............



My favourite thing about that picture (aside from the EXTREME hotness) is the fact that I'm known for the Bundy. I'm surprised there aren't like 435834756 pics of me w/ my hand down my pants, cuz I def sit like that aaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllll the time. ALL. Prob my fave thing to do, sit w/ my hand(s) down my pants, haha. Sounds AWESOME, I know. But still, aw. Sniff, sniff..

WHYYYYYYYYYY WHY WHY, EVERYTHING I WROTE ABOVE IS DENIAL WRAPPED IN BACON, TASTES SOOOOOOO GOOD, YET SOOOO UNHEALTHY. I can't BELIEVE it's not butter.

:|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||



Fyi, I was OBSESSED w/ this when it first came out. I was like, 14?? Something like that. Either way, the first time I heard about Brad being arrested on drug charges (yayo, btw), this is what I downloaded on Napster.

Daaaaamn, homie.

RIP Brad Barron Renfro July 25 1982 - Jan 15 2008.

Times like this, I miss the old me...

Just posting that 311 song/lyric.... ANYTHING having to do w/ 311 reminds me of a better person w/ the same identity as me, down to the last morsel. Only thing that seps this from that is the mind state. Everything was an option, everything HAD an option. Drinking and drugs WEREN'T options.

I wish I had the mental capacity for all of the shit then that I do now. I knew too much to be doing w/e then, it's a whole new ballgame now. I had every advantage but I was so afraid to walk out of the damn door most times.

I feel like I traded parts of myself for something else that I'm not even sure I want fully. I mean, I DO, but not everything that comes w/ it and there's def no way to make that work out. I've done the research, trust me.

Whoooooooo knows, Iiiiiiiiiiiiii dooooooooon't.

Just feel like rambling after that last one, which I wrote mad earlier today. However I def wanted to say it. Don't think in your head that I'm about to launch an assault against my friends or anything.. I'm not gonna do a damn thing.

You are! :)

Well isn't that cute.....

I don't know why the two of you are doing this, cuz it looks like a horrible idea from the outside.

My main ? to kick this off is this;

How can two people have brunch to discuss someone that clearly neither of them are over??

For whatever reason, both of you get some sort of delight from the fact that he still writes/IMs you, and that's not just my observation.

Yeah, let's be over something and still have it be a main topic of discussion.

You're not slick, not even a litle bit.

She was wrong, call it square and be done w/ it. But don't build a friendship on fragile bullshit like you're def in the process of doing.

How can you get together and discuss someone that oooobviously neither of you really knew, or you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place??

Riddle me that, cuz I'm hella confused.

It reminded me a lot of when YOU and Rebecca would sit and chat about you-know-who last winter.. We all heard it, all the one-ups and short jabs ya'll threw out there, cute little mentions of this and that, just to never be outdone.

That's not a reason to talk to someone, just so ya know.

And I wish either of ya'll WOULD sit here and tell me he won't be brought up. His movements are clocked like the ball drop, I'm not retarded.

Love you both, buuuuuut... I don't trust it, all I'm saying, and it's all I'm GONNA say...

Well, that and the inevitable "I told you so"..

If you two only knew how you sounded when his name is brought into the discussion. Or you, that night in the car waiting.. Pipe dreams! All of it!!

Maybe in the new year I just need more female friends that realize their own self-worth, that aren't stuck on some dude's nuts even tho they were left "devastated" by said person's actions, etc etc.

No one is allowed to mention Stevo, Clutch, Jason, Larry, or any of the other usual suspects in a negative way to me in 2009 if the person scorned is to blame for the actions that took place.

Which means EVERYONE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OVER IT ALREADY. IT HAPPENED B/C OF YOU. NOT THEM, BUT YOU. PAST THE INITIAL POINT WHERE YOU LEARNED THE TRUE NATURE OF THIS PERSON, THE REST BECAME YOUR FAULT. I DOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOT GIVE A FUCK AT AAAAALLLLLLL IF THEY HURT YOU B/C YOU KEPT LETTING IT HAPPEN.

*panting*

OMFG!

Same shit, new year. Well, I REFUSE.

As a PS, I def didn't write this to piss either of you off. It's more so that IIIII don't get pissed off. You know this already, how I don't handle my friends dealing w/ bs guys all that well. I get to hear the endless bitching even tho all I can think in my head is "I FUCKING SAID THAT FROM THE BEGINNING, THANKS, SO STFU".

If you're worth anything, just let it go. Please?



Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone.