But more importantly....

Like I stated in the last blog, I've lost 33 goddamn lbs recently, and that's all I'm really worried about right now, being healthy and getting shit done for myself.

Say what you want, cuz you obv don't know me anymore.

Oh, ohh ohhh my dear friends, I feel wonderful. I wish you could've seen my face last night after the weigh-in. Ridiculous!! I had tears in my eyes, no bullshit. Just like on Happy Boobie Day, I was a little verklempt!

I'm just really excited. I don't know what's gonna happen w/ all that's going on in the next few months, but I'm looking forward to most of it.

Like Brad said, fuck all y'all! I'm doin' ME! A change has come.. I'm gettin' my Obama on! :D

What I want to know is.........

What were ya'll talking about that led to you telling them not to trust me/tell me things... Beyond the blogs, b/c obv something led to THAT part as well...

Talkin' shit, perhaps?? Maybe it was on the same day that I have been fully notified about, that I KNOW ya'll were talking shit on...

Was it that day??

When can we get to the day when I hear it first-hand?? Ya'll scared motherfuckers can't never say shit to me that matters, sooooo..

And YOU, c'mon.. I threw you a bone! I tossed a random comment into the bowl that gave you a DIRECT segue into what it is you apparantly can't be bothered to tell me. If something made ME so mad I couldn't hardly breathe when talking about it, I'd def say something. Thanks btw, homie, for your little chime-ins. I fully appreciate that. :|

Such fraudulent behaviour, oh my!

If I was REEEEEEALLY puttin' ya'lls business out there, wooooooooooo BOY!!

Let's just say I highly doubt the invitation of co-residency would've have been extended.

The best part about her telling me that was all of the convo leading up to it. Hello, Pot? It's Kettle. You're black!

I dgaf about that tho, that's just us/you/me whatever type shit. You'll actually air your grievances w/ me... HOWEVER ol' girl is CONSTANTLY having little flutters of truth reach me by way of someone else.. A few someone elses, including Mr. '09 who most deeeeeeeef gossips TEN TIMES more than I ever could, but everyone's suckin' his dick for Ls so it's cool, just run your mouth to him like it'll never reach my eardrums, mkay??

And that goes for everyone else you've spoken to that immediately let me know what's up..

EV-ER-Y-BODY TALKS. I KNOW WAAAAAY TOO MUCH ABOUT AAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL OF YOU.

So watch your fucking mouths, thanks.

That's the shit I'm talkin' about!!! If I really wanted to set it off, I would've been done it!! I'm not afraid, so get over yourselves!! LMMMFAO! I LOVE it! Like I told Brandi, I'm a writer who's work almost always derives from real life. Not only that, but your placement in my life has a lot to do w/ how I deal w/ situations having to do w/ you.

I WOULD say you could just blow it out your ass, buuuuuuut that seems to be the path of "righteousness" these days......

THOSE days, too, you just don't think I know.

Just as an FYI, this is an open letter to SEVERAL people, not just the usual suspect.

Because that would be, well, unjust.

Haha, such mean girls... You're Regina, and she's Cady (along w/ Sarah). Mr. '09 is Gretchen/Damien, and all the rest of'em are Karen. I guess that makes me Janis? Smile for the camera! Plastic-ass bullshit. No one even likes anyone anymore, but who else are you gonna get high w/??

I don't even want to BE in this mediocre bullshit town anymore. This is all we have to do, obviously, cuz it's the most recurrent and steady thing around. And because none of my real friends have been around, they are unaware of the great strides I have taken in becoming a more well-rounded human being. They just sit around and talk shit like they have a fucking clue/LIFE. I've lost 33 pounds recently, and that was w/o any of your help.

I'd been asking my friends for years to get involved w/ me, and everyone made the same empty promises even tho I was seriously asking for help. So ty MORGAN for following thru w/ it and sticking to your guns alongside me. I love watching them bend over backwards to help each other, but there is no trust, and no real faith. I could prove all of this and just lay the bullshit to rest, but I don't want to deplete your social lives.

The best part about you not wanting me HERE is I'm never HERE anyway.

But AGAIN, b/c no one else has Grande Cahoonas (ty Shay) like me, I'm the bad guy.

Well then call me Lisa Montana, motherfuckers, cuz it'll be a virtual bloodbath if I ever decide I'm REALLY tired of it all.

I keep making excuses on why I haven't, but I'm running out of time and patience w/ the matter. Comeuppance is upon you.

Iiiiiiin closing, when I say real friends, I meant the core staple of people that I'm known to associate w/, or was known to, I should say. No disrespect meant to anyone else. If you feel the burn, it's cuz you're standing in the flames.

The most relevant part starts @ 3:03.



"Those bitches."

See, the thing is.... [LRW ♥ JTL]

I want to finish/post that blog, but I don't think it'll be enough.

For some reason, the hardest thing I've tried to do in recent times OTHER than become a stable person, is to convince you that YOU are a stable, fully functioning and wanted-on-this-earth human being.

I've heard so many people compliment you on so many things in the tenure of our friendship, and that is not enough. It's obvious to see that it's never gonna be enough. I mean, it's 2009 and you still don't know your self-worth?? How can that be?? That's RIDICULOUS... I go thru this w/ Morgan allll the time.

Not happy? Fake it 'til you make it, babycakes... Do you feel like shit today?? That's just more of a reason to do that stiff neck thing we talked about @ dinner last night lol. I hope you realize that you sound retarded *no Corky* when you down yourself. No one looking from the outside in is EVER going to be able to accept your flaws as fact. Like I said, on the SURFACE, you seem to be the most put together and stable person in the entiiiiiiiire group!!

Yes, life is SHIIIIITTYYYYYY, ESP humanity in itself. But even me w/ my never-ending story, I walk around like I JUST got done reading a text from Jesus telling me that I "fucking rock", so yoooooou should DEF be doing the same. People made you feel like shit?? Meeeee too. Poor growing up? MEEEEEEEEEE TOOOOOOOOO. Hello, Willoughby Navy brat here! We were ALL poor.

If someone doesn't like you, dude, they obviously don't know you. I watched you pour yourself and your bank account into a group of friends comprised mostly of devils in disguise, b/c it was the nice thing to do, and you wanted people to be happy and like you....

FOR WHAT???

Like..... Can we do stat comparisons?? Do I have to go on ESPN to make this make sense?? You def come out as the better person. As in more from the heart, not like a snooty cunt.

I need the power to brainwash. I think I possess it slightly, but not to the effect that I'm talking about. I would have you whipped into shape in NO time. Are any of your ex's doing better w/o you?? No?? K, well fuck'em. Esp the one we ran into @ the mall the other day, lmmmmmfao. How AWESOME was that....

BUT I DIGRESS.........

To be loved is WONDERFUL, but to love YOURSELF is eeeeven better, and I don't think you do. I mean, you do in the sense that you don't load yourself up w/ drugs & alcohol like the rest of the populus, but that's in a diff context. That's just life preservation. I'm sorry that whoever hurt you was able to have such a lasting effect, but damn woman... Holding on to shit like that is part of the reason why my family life is sooooooo strained, and I CANNOT let it go. It hasn't gotten me ANY further in my life, just literal chapters in the book of life.

You're much too young to feel this damn old, and to be feeling so sorry for yourself. No one wants to make you happy?? Do it your damn self! And don't say you do, b/c this wouldn't be in progress if you did. Yes, you do small things to please yourself, like buying your dope-ass rich lady bags, etc.. But those are just fillers.

The ball is in YOUR court. The world is waiting on YOU, so wtf!!! I CRIED talking to you yesterday, like are you serious? And yet you constantly question your importance in my life.. JUST STOP! Stop and staaaaaaaare if you have to, lol. Stare @ yourself long enough to see what we see. Stop waiting for a man to make you feel pretty. Self-pity is U-G-L-Y, and you damn sure ain't got NO alibi... Where were you on the night you realized you were beautiful, ma'am??

Oh, wait. Like some Y2k shit, to you it's a myth that has yet to be proven.

RETARD! LMMFAO. I mean that in the best way, I hope you know that. And I mean THAT in the best way, not the sarcastic shit I'm usually on. I know how you love to read waaaaaay too much into shit.

In the past what, almost a month now?? We have been together pretty much every damn day, and w/ each day that passes I just want to do more and more for myself. If we could just mesh for a day, that would be FAAANTASTIC. I told you, man... You def do inspire me. W/ every dinner date, and there's been PLEEEEEEEEENTY, w/ every random night sitting @ Brent's.. I'm just looking from the outside in and that is what I want, from what I can see. You've got so much going for you, so wtf. I wish I could say that. I WANT to say that.

I WILL say that, just not today, tomorrow, next week, or next year.. Hopefully that's wrong, but it's a 311 lyric so I just ran w/ it, haha. So is my current s/n on here, btw.

You're stronger than you think. I mean, you went thru all the things that are beating you over the head, and your motherfuckin' ass (which is looooovely, fyi) is still alive soooooo... What's gooooooood, dun-dun!?! Haha..

I thought you were rap's MVP?? Get your swag on, bitch!



You just gotta keep on tryyyyyyyin, til you reeeeaaaach the highest grooouuuuund...

Or just get high, fuck!

You = pure genius/complete lunatic, and that's why you're so rad.. You're truly, truly, TRULY outrageous.

GROW

THE

FUCK

UP.

SERIOUSLY.

THAT IS A DIRECT ORDER.

OMFG.

VIRGINIA BEACH IS OFFICIALLY TOO MUCH FOR ME.

I'M ALABAMMY BOUND.

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

LMMMMMMMMMMMMMMFAO.

REALLY!??

I WILL PRAY FOR YOU.

CHUCKLE FUCKING CHUCKLE.

WAIT.

THEY DON'T LOVE YOU LIKE...........

NO ONE LOVES YOU?

MAPS.

DIRECTED TOWARDS REALITY.

STFU.

THANKS.

PREEEEEEEESH.

P.S.

I BET YOU KNOW THIS BLOG IS ABOUT YOU.

DON'T YOU?

DON'T YOOOOOOOUUUUUUU.

The deadly path of Brad Renfro

[From last year. Very informative tho. I think I have it bookmarked still....]

Brad Renfro had insisted over the phone that he was clean. That's what the teen actor, hot from his performances as a troubled youth with sad eyes in such films as "The Client" and "Sleepers," told director Larry Clark. Clark, one of America's foremost chroniclers of teenage desperation, had just cast Renfro as the lead in "Bully," his true-life tale of a bunch of pot-smoking Florida teenagers who murder the local bully.

But then Clark met his 18-year-old star.

The director, who'd once battled heroin addiction himself, stopped by Renfro's Knoxville, Tenn., home on the way to the film's Florida location. It was the summer of 2000, and Renfro emerged from the house that he shared with his grandmother with blood streaming down his arms. He was bloated and looked 35. And so continued a painful, downward spiral — one of the most excruciating Hollywood has seen of late.

"I said, 'What the (hell) are you doing?' " recalls Clark. "He'd been banging coke. He has tracks running down both arms. He looks horrible. I just saw the whole movie going down the drain." (Financing was contingent on Renfro's participation.)

Clark spent the next three days with Renfro. They talked. The young actor cried often, and continued to shoot up cocaine. Clark hatched a plan to get him clean for production.

"I kidnapped him," says the director. The pair jumped in the car one day, on the director's pretense of going somewhere, and Clark just "gunned it" for Florida. "He kicked in the car. He had a seizure. There's nothing you can do. It doesn't last that long."

In Florida, the production hired a trainer and a minder for Renfro. Clark took Renfro to 12-step meetings. Still, in the evenings, Renfro would manage to finagle alcohol.

Clark adds, "I've been around a lot of addicts and alcoholics, and I remember thinking at the time, this is one of the worst cases I've ever seen."

Brad Renfro died Jan. 15, 2008. He was 25.

A week later, 28-year-old Heath Ledger was found dead in his New York apartment. He died of a lethal cocktail of prescription drugs — among them medications that go by the brand names OxyContin, Vicodin, Valium, Xanax, Restoril and Unisom.

The cycle of destructiveness seems to have accelerated. It was shocking in 1993 when River Phoenix overdosed from heroin and cocaine at age 23, shocking because of his youth. Now we live in a time when The Associated Press is prewriting Britney Spears' obituary. Has Hollywood become an incubator of abuse or a mirror of society? Or are we all just more aware of its troubled denizens because of the hyper 24/7 coverage?

The element of surprise

The blogosphere was buzzing Monday with discussion of why Renfro was left out of the Academy Awards tribute to Hollywood figures who died in the past year.

Renfro's death saddened those who knew him, but did not surprise them. Many in Hollywood had tried to help him, but his addiction torpedoed relationships and his career. There were small obits, much smaller than his last high-profile appearance in the media, a photograph of Renfro in handcuffs on the front of the Los Angeles Times, arrested during a 2005 raid of Skid Row for trying to buy heroin.

In contrast, Ledger's passing provoked an outpouring of public grief about talent cut short before its full blossoming. The fiercely talented Ledger certainly did not seem like a man in self-destruction's grip. Yet after his death, tabloids ran stories of the Oscar nominee's supposed double life. Unnamed sources talked about his use of cocaine, heroin and other drugs, which were said to have contributed to the dissolution of his relationship with girlfriend Michelle Williams and subsequent despair.

Still, unlike Renfro, Ledger had spent the last year of his life working frantically, hurling himself into a multicontinent shoot as the crazed Joker in "The Dark Knight," and then plunging into Terry Gilliam's "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus."

All through January, Ledger worked despite having a bad cold that turned into pneumonia. He told The New York Times in November, "Last week, I probably slept an average of two hours a night. I couldn't stop thinking. My body was exhausted and my mind was still going."

Abuse "underreported"?

In his professional drive, Ledger was different from the members of young Hollywood who usually end up in the tabloids and the police blotters. Paparazzi have been bolstering their bottom lines with an endless array of women in distress — pretty 20-somethings such as Lindsay Lohan and Spears. Who knows whether women are actually suffering more than men? It's just that the tabloid-fashion-restaurant industries depend on pretty girls to sell magazines, clothes and trendy clubs.

"Drug abuse is so much more underreported than anyone realizes," says one former studio chief, who declined to be named, adding, "I think they (actors) all take a lot of drugs."

Just in recent days, which included Spears' midnight motorcade to the hospital, starlet Eva Mendes checked into rehab. The hit list of young actors with one-time substance-abuse problems includes Balthazar Getty, Ben Affleck and Juliette Lewis.

"I just think what we see in young Hollywood is reflective in what we see happening in young America — the pandemic of drug addiction," says Dr. Drew Pinsky, who appears in VH1's "Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew." "Where we're losing ground is pharmaceuticals."

According to a 2006 survey by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, while illegal drug use remains steady, pharmaceutical drug abuse is going up among young adults. Pinsky reels off some popular culprits: Valium, Ambien, Vicodin, OxyContin, Ritalin.

Relying on insurance

It's notoriously hard to control an addicted celebrity, and sometimes the only reliable checks seem to be the insurance companies and the police. The insurance companies can refuse to insure substance abusers. A representative for Fireman's Fund Insurance, which covers most studio films, says about 10 percent of productions have actors with these issues.

Once an actor has a brush with the law, it can become much harder to get insured. In the recently published "Conversations With Woody Allen," the director bemoans how he'd wanted to cast Robert Downey Jr. and Winona Ryder in "Melinda and Melinda" but couldn't get them covered. Downey had spent a stint in jail on drug charges; when authorities busted Ryder for shoplifting in 2001, they found eight different painkillers in her purse. "We were heartbroken because I had worked with Winona before and thought she was perfect for this."

Yet one lawyer who deals frequently with insurance issues points out that all kinds of deals can be made for a superstar, like daily drug testing or furnishing a sober companion, but "as someone's star begins to fall, there's a lot less will to justify the hoops."

Casting "problem child"

Brad Renfro's whole career started, improbably enough, because as an 11-year-old fifth-grader he'd been difficult in a Drug Abuse Resistance Education class taught by a retired policeman. "He was absolutely your problem child," says Dennis Bowman. "The very first day, I kicked him out of class." Bowman grew to like Renfro, but "he was still a piece of work as far as being out of control."

By many accounts, he came from a troubled background. His dad, a factory worker, and his mom split up when he was a toddler, and his mom deposited him on the Knoxville inner-city steps of his paternal grandmother. Says Bowman, "The grandmother was trying her best to raise a kid who was taking advantage of the situation and creating a lot of stress on her."

At the time, the late casting director Mali Finn was conducting a search for a kid to star in "The Client," the movie version of the John Grisham legal thriller about a Southern trailer-park kid who winds up embroiled in a Mafia hit. "We wanted that kid in the principal's office. That endearing, mischievous boy that may be lying to you, may not be telling you the truth, but you're still charmed by him," says casting director Emily Schweber, Finn's associate at the time. When one of Finn's letters describing their search arrived at the Knoxville Police Department, Bowman immediately thought of Renfro.

After auditioning him in her hotel room, Finn called Schweber and said, "I found him." Renfro and his grandmother later flew to California to screen-test. They'd never been on a plane or stayed in a hotel. "He was really fun, really charming, a little bit wild and amazing in the scenes. Where he learned how to do this, I don't know. Some kids really enjoy role-playing and acting," says Schweber. "He had a lot of energy, but sometimes he did have dark moods."

Both Finn and Joel Schumacher later called J.J. Harris, who now manages such stars as Charlize Theron, to check out their child lead. Harris flew to the North Carolina set to watch Renfro work and was charmed. "You just wanted to take care of this boy. He was a gorgeous little boy. Rough-and-tumble. Very self-aware," she says. "He'd say things like, 'Nobody can put up with me 'cause I'm too hot to handle.' " Adds Harris, "He was just obviously screaming for someone to establish some kind of boundaries for him, something that never happened in his life."

When Bowman finally saw "The Client," he thought Renfro "wasn't acting. Brad played himself. He had these street smarts and the swagger of a 19- or 20-year-old. If you met somebody like that now, your first reaction would be, 'What a punk.' But you scrape away all these layers, you think this is a 12-year-old trying to act tough."

Signs of trouble, talent

Even then there were signs of addiction issues. Renfro could be sneaky. As one who knew him well noted, any bottles of booze would invariably disappear when Renfro was around. Still, he managed to launch his career, flying from Knoxville to Los Angeles, often by himself, for auditions. The assistants at his agency, United Talent Agency, would drive him to meetings with casting directors, and the rest of the time he'd mostly cruise the agency halls and flirt with all the women. "This wasn't a bad kid — this was a really emotionally abandoned person," says Harris.

His vulnerability combined with a tough persona entranced Hollywood. He was cast as a compassionate roughneck who befriends a kid suffering from AIDS in "The Cure," and as Huck Finn in "Tom and Huck." "He was exactly what you would expect — a brooding, intense, rebellious fellow," says "Tom and Huck" producer Larry Mark. "He got a kick out of not going the straight and narrow."

In "Sleepers," Barry Levinson's drama about four neighborhood kids who are abused by sadistic guards in juvenile prison, he played the younger version of Brad Pitt's character. Knowing of his wildness, Levinson mandated that Renfro be accompanied by a minder 24 hours a day. Levinson later told a reporter, "He was fraught with demons and needed help."

In "Apt Pupil," Renfro's last major studio movie, he played a compassionless A-student entranced by a former Nazi commandant — played by Ian McKellen — living incognito in the suburbs. "I knew he'd been wrestling for years with different problems," says director Bryan Singer. "But on workdays, he was always focused and into it. Quite professional." And good, particularly in his mad tango with the British pro McKellen. "You could see moment by moment them learning from each other and a lot of mutual respect."

"You would kind of forgive him"

But off-screen, there could be a manic energy and a radiating neediness. "You could tell he didn't have any sort of adult guidance. People couldn't help themselves but become unofficial guardians of him. There were a lot of people on the crew — everyone from costumers to electricians — always trying to support him," says producer Don Murphy.

In 1998, the year "Apt Pupil" was released, Renfro was busted for cocaine and marijuana, and began what became a long odyssey through the legal system, with a half-dozen arrests.

Although Clark had a minder staying with Renfro during the "Bully" production in the summer of 2000, the actor climbed out a second-story window and stole down to a nearby marina. According to Clark, Renfro "met some coke dealer and got (messed) up." He hot-wired a yacht and gunned it — except he forgot to untie the boat. Renfro was arrested and charged with grand theft. He ultimately pleaded out and was sentenced to a fine and two years' probation.

"Bully" had to shut down for a day, and when the young actor got out of jail, he had to go straight to shooting a scene in which he emerges from the ocean and impresses a raft of girls with his youthful charisma. "He's all dehydrated and feels terrible," recalls Clark. "But he could just do stuff like that, and he was young. He was a very natural actor. He didn't study his lines. I doubt he read the whole script, but when you turned on the camera, he was magic.

"He was so good, you would kind of forgive him for being a (screw)-up." He pauses. "For a minute."

Escalating trouble

Yet, after causing a delay on "Bully," it became hard for Renfro to get insurance, says Harris, and hence harder for him to land parts. "It got to a place where I ran out of options," says the agent, who'd seen him through two stints at rehab and numerous futile conversations about staying clean. "He'd either get really angry, laugh it off or change the subject," she says, remembering how Renfro used to come into her office, lie on the couch and complain about what seemed like alcohol poisoning. " 'I'm nauseous. I can't see straight. I feel like my heart is palpitating,' and then he'd usually fall asleep."

To those in Hollywood, he inevitably seemed worse when he returned from his home in Knoxville. Or when he wasn't working, and there wasn't a Hollywood-designated minder watching over him.

"He wasn't good at that going-home bit, going back to his life" after the social activity of a movie set, adds Guy Ferland. As an associate producer on "The Client," Ferland would help keep Renfro healthily occupied in off hours, and he also directed him in "Telling Lies in America." "I'm not sure Brad really liked being alone. There was always some party, whatever he needed to do to keep the energy going."

Renfro quit J.J. Harris around 2001 and never spoke to her again, although he continued to work on smaller films, little-seen, sometimes low-rent indies such as "Deuces Wild" and "The Job."

Renfro died from an accidental overdose of heroin, Los Angeles County coroner's officials said. A Los Angeles roommate found him dead in his bed. Two days earlier, he'd had an obscene tattoo applied to his chest.



Btw, the tattoo was 'Fuck All Ya'll'... Very DGAF, dontcha think??

Hate the fact that he had a Myspace, btw. Haaaaaate.

I currently hate everything about him.

This is where I tip the scales

of sanity.

Again, another video featuring Brad Renfro. I wonder how many years I'll do this.. I aaaaaaaalways posted on his bday, same w/ 311 day.. Old habits die hard. I mean, c'mon.. I was subscribed online to his local Knoxville newspaper, just b/c...

Grr.. I dredged up some good articles, pics etc for today.. Just distributing them @ random.. Prob only have one more blog in me before I want to shoot myself in the face.

Dennis Bowman, the former D.A.R.E. officer who discovered Brad, told the Knoxville News Sentinel (the one I was sub'd to, lol),

“With all the other problems he had, I can’t say I was dumbfounded (at his death). I told everybody in 1993, `This will either be the best thing or the worst thing for Brad. Time will tell.’ I guess it told today.”

Whiiiiiiiiich is exactly what I said about wishing he'd never become famous in the first place, etc. Minus the fact that I would've had to obsess over someone else. Silverchair broke in the US noooot too long after that whole thing started so I would've had Daniel Johns either way, haha.

He could've lived forever and a day, what the fuck! And they always say that it's worse for someone who's kicked a drug like heroin to do it again even once after they're clean b/c it's suuuuch a shock to the system. His body just couldn't handle that shit no more, so it kicked FOR him. Unfortunately it was more like when you go to the bathroom and someone grabs the controller while you're gone and says you can't play anymore.

Shitty!

But hey, such is life.

And death.



[Looooove this video, btw. Brad and Pharrell, oh my! See? HE HAD A VIRGINIAN CONNECTION. IT WAS MEANT TO BE, HE JUST FUCKED IT ALL UP!]

Love thy neighbor??

[Yeeeesssssss]

Brad was my neighbor. SadIy I realize I was in his last movie as well.

Brad Renfro died days before Heath Ledger from an apparent heroin overdose.

It’s ironic that even in death his achievements would not even be seen “for the wrong reasons”.

He was a neighbor for a year or two prior to his heroin arrest. I occasionally spoke with him a little becuase we both had family in Knoxville, TN. He was a neighbor also at the time of his heroin arrest and he told me the day after the arrest was plastered all over the front page of the Los Angeles paper and he became the number one story on Google News that “You can do a lifetime of work and not get noticed but if you do something wrong you get all this coverage.” I remember he also told me he hoped it wouldn't hurt his career becuase acting was what he knew and loved. He was serious about his work.

Ironically less than what - a year?- later he overdosed on heroine and was found dead and made the pages of papers all over the country with comparisons being made to James Dean …until Heath Ledger died days later and Brad’s story was completely lost to history. Could there be greater irony than even in death when Hollywood usually cements your place in history that Brad missed that recognition becuase of another's subsequent death?

Weirdly it all just hit home again for me becuase just now I realize that I had a brief appearance in his last movie "The Informers" http://pro.imdb.com/name/nm1222064/ as a mourner after a boy in the movie dies too young apparently ( I don't know the plot details becuase I worked the movie for one day and all I know was it was a memorial service reception scene with a distraught family who apparently lost a boy.)

The only people in my scene were Billy Bob Thornton and Kim Basinger so I didn't even realize Brad was in it until looking at the IMDB credits just now.

Brad was good kid who seemed to have honest fun in a town with a surprising lack of normal activities and he never seemed to have malicious or mean intent. He was often riding ultramini motorcycles around the block or working and practicing with his Led Zeppelin cover band. He was excited that his band got a play date on Melrose in a Club called "The Spot" at one point and invited me to go but I was working on a tv show late I think.

He was always polite and considerate and respectful and a good neighbor and would be extremely apologetic if he made too much noise which is frankly unusual in Hollywood. He had also told me after recently coming back from Japan he was happy to learn he had a child and was happy with how the girl was handling it. He seemed pleased and happy about it all and thought it would be a good thing.

While to many he appeared reckless I guess becuase of his past reputation, I gave him a lot of credit for making his own way in Hollywood - especially after he told me how young he was - I was shocked to learn he was so young. To a neighbor he just seemed like a young guy having fun who would have a few beers with his friends - nothing unusual - nothing bad. He also had a local girlfriend who seemed with her family to be trying to help him stay on the right path and he spoke highly of her and she often visited.

The day after his arrest I spoke to him, and I believe it was then that he had once told me he was born addicted to heroin. While I don't know the details of his situation with drugs other than his arrest (and nothing was evident from being his neighbor), he told me after his arrest he would probably be doing some time in prison and that he hoped he would be making a clean break from it. Someone else moved into his old apartment after that and I hadn't thought about him for some time and began to be curious if he had been released from his sentence and what he was up to just about the time I read he had passed away. It was a shock.

I think he was a good soul. Ironically I hadn't seen much of his film work except his first movie but began Tivoing his films after he moved out and I began to be on more and more sets myself. He was very gifted.

I really think if Heath Ledger had not died so quickly after Brad's passing or if Brad had been in the movie Brokeback Mountain which got so much attention in Hollywood that year that we would be recognizing Brad's talent in a much bigger way. I believe he had been up for the role of young Brad Pitt in the Assassination of Jesse James and had told me he might get it becuase he had once played Brad Pitt in someway in an earlier role. Sadly he didn't get the part but he got several others.

From what I read in the paper he died in his sleep and no one in the new apartment with him the night he died even thought he had a problem becuase they could hear him sleeping soundly.

I just felt such a sadness. I really feel he was a young guy with a good heart who was struggling to make his way in a town with few guidelines or clear directions for living. It's always a shock to learn someone you know was so close to an edge, or perhaps more accurately it is a shock to learn that the edge is so near for all of us but we don't know it and it's so easy to slip over it.

I am especially sad for the local girl who I know had tried to be a positive part of his life - I hope she knows she was a positive influence, and for his child in Japan who now won't have a chance to know his father.

It is truly tragic, and I believe it was beyond Brad's ability to control his situation with heroin. If only heroin gave you a warning before it killed you rather than easing you into a warm blanket of nothingness - he would probably still be here.



[Yes, another video w/ him in it. DEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAL the way I cannot.]

Could you pass the salt??

Iiiiiiiii just threw the fuck up ALLL over the place.

I'm listening to an interview w/ one of Brad's cousins where he's talking about him and how Hollywood ate him up, etc. I def def DEF DEF DEEEEEEF don't need to hear it, but I feel compelled! Ugh!

To listen to the excerpts, click here. The ones to listen to are Jesse talks about PROUD OF YOU, aaaand obv the one that says Brad Renfro on it, lol.



Most of you should remember this song, def still comes on the radio. The lead singer is Brad's cousin, and the song/video are about him. He's in it, which makes it that much worse to watch now. I haven't seen it in the last year (on purpose), what a day to pick @ scabs! :|

He's so beeeeeeeauuuuuutiful, aw man. Or was, waaaaaaas. WAS so beautiful, at least to me.

GOOD GRIEF!

"I never thought you'd be a junkie... [!!!!]

because heroin is so passe...."

One year down, a lifetime of VOMITING PROFUSELY @ THE MERE MENTION OF HIM TO GO. :|

I don't even know what I want to say. I've pretty much said all that I can say about the situation. So many random things lately have revolved around Brad, but I've ignored the majority of it.

This is some 'ol bullshit!

This time last year, you were alive and "well", prob not even awake if you think about the time zones..

ljshglsdhgl;dshlghds;gldshg

I seriously don't know wtf I wanted to say.......... I thought about this a lot, pretty much every day since Jan 16 last year. What I was gonna write today....

And now I don't know! I blogged about it so much, everyone knows already. Yes, the obsession is still there, however since Jan started it's been a lot easier to look @ pics etc, or watch movies. I think watching 'Tom and Huck' @ Reva's like 2 weeks ago is what changed it. How random is that?? But as soon as they showed him, I felt this warmth and it was like..... Ok... It's cool. I got this. Ever since then, it's been normal. Obv still mournful but not in the same way. It's more of a peaceful thought.

Dooooooon't get it twisted tho, I could watch 'The Client' today and immediately want to hang myself in Stevo's bathroom. Who knows? Should I even tempt fate?? Nah. I have so many things in my life to get straight, I can't be bothered w/ thoughts like that, esp when I know I don't want to die.

It just would've been nice for him to live, that's all............



My favourite thing about that picture (aside from the EXTREME hotness) is the fact that I'm known for the Bundy. I'm surprised there aren't like 435834756 pics of me w/ my hand down my pants, cuz I def sit like that aaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllll the time. ALL. Prob my fave thing to do, sit w/ my hand(s) down my pants, haha. Sounds AWESOME, I know. But still, aw. Sniff, sniff..

WHYYYYYYYYYY WHY WHY, EVERYTHING I WROTE ABOVE IS DENIAL WRAPPED IN BACON, TASTES SOOOOOOO GOOD, YET SOOOO UNHEALTHY. I can't BELIEVE it's not butter.

:|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||



Fyi, I was OBSESSED w/ this when it first came out. I was like, 14?? Something like that. Either way, the first time I heard about Brad being arrested on drug charges (yayo, btw), this is what I downloaded on Napster.

Daaaaamn, homie.

RIP Brad Barron Renfro July 25 1982 - Jan 15 2008.

Times like this, I miss the old me...

Just posting that 311 song/lyric.... ANYTHING having to do w/ 311 reminds me of a better person w/ the same identity as me, down to the last morsel. Only thing that seps this from that is the mind state. Everything was an option, everything HAD an option. Drinking and drugs WEREN'T options.

I wish I had the mental capacity for all of the shit then that I do now. I knew too much to be doing w/e then, it's a whole new ballgame now. I had every advantage but I was so afraid to walk out of the damn door most times.

I feel like I traded parts of myself for something else that I'm not even sure I want fully. I mean, I DO, but not everything that comes w/ it and there's def no way to make that work out. I've done the research, trust me.

Whoooooooo knows, Iiiiiiiiiiiiii dooooooooon't.

Just feel like rambling after that last one, which I wrote mad earlier today. However I def wanted to say it. Don't think in your head that I'm about to launch an assault against my friends or anything.. I'm not gonna do a damn thing.

You are! :)

Well isn't that cute.....

I don't know why the two of you are doing this, cuz it looks like a horrible idea from the outside.

My main ? to kick this off is this;

How can two people have brunch to discuss someone that clearly neither of them are over??

For whatever reason, both of you get some sort of delight from the fact that he still writes/IMs you, and that's not just my observation.

Yeah, let's be over something and still have it be a main topic of discussion.

You're not slick, not even a litle bit.

She was wrong, call it square and be done w/ it. But don't build a friendship on fragile bullshit like you're def in the process of doing.

How can you get together and discuss someone that oooobviously neither of you really knew, or you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place??

Riddle me that, cuz I'm hella confused.

It reminded me a lot of when YOU and Rebecca would sit and chat about you-know-who last winter.. We all heard it, all the one-ups and short jabs ya'll threw out there, cute little mentions of this and that, just to never be outdone.

That's not a reason to talk to someone, just so ya know.

And I wish either of ya'll WOULD sit here and tell me he won't be brought up. His movements are clocked like the ball drop, I'm not retarded.

Love you both, buuuuuut... I don't trust it, all I'm saying, and it's all I'm GONNA say...

Well, that and the inevitable "I told you so"..

If you two only knew how you sounded when his name is brought into the discussion. Or you, that night in the car waiting.. Pipe dreams! All of it!!

Maybe in the new year I just need more female friends that realize their own self-worth, that aren't stuck on some dude's nuts even tho they were left "devastated" by said person's actions, etc etc.

No one is allowed to mention Stevo, Clutch, Jason, Larry, or any of the other usual suspects in a negative way to me in 2009 if the person scorned is to blame for the actions that took place.

Which means EVERYONE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OVER IT ALREADY. IT HAPPENED B/C OF YOU. NOT THEM, BUT YOU. PAST THE INITIAL POINT WHERE YOU LEARNED THE TRUE NATURE OF THIS PERSON, THE REST BECAME YOUR FAULT. I DOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOT GIVE A FUCK AT AAAAALLLLLLL IF THEY HURT YOU B/C YOU KEPT LETTING IT HAPPEN.

*panting*

OMFG!

Same shit, new year. Well, I REFUSE.

As a PS, I def didn't write this to piss either of you off. It's more so that IIIII don't get pissed off. You know this already, how I don't handle my friends dealing w/ bs guys all that well. I get to hear the endless bitching even tho all I can think in my head is "I FUCKING SAID THAT FROM THE BEGINNING, THANKS, SO STFU".

If you're worth anything, just let it go. Please?



Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone.