The One w/ The Death of a Parent...

On the norm, I never start a blog w/o a title, but nothing suffices right now. I had one of the worst dreams everrrr last night. I don't even know if I want to re-tell it, b/c I def don't want to think about it any longer... But @ the same time, it's an experience, and I'm all about sharing them via blog, so....

It started when I went to my Ma's house (which wasn't the one she just moved into) one random sunny day.. Apparently I left my friends waiting outside, b/c once I got there, I was walking in the doorway area alone. I walked into the l/r only to see my sister sitting there, w/ blood all over the place. She was so calm tho, as if nothing happened. Now, any violent behaviour from her isn't too shocking b/c she def used to try to buck on the fam, lil psycho bitch that she was/is... But to hurt someone like THAT!?! There were random items strewn all over the place, two w/ blood on them.. So I'm freakin' the fuck out like, WTF, who got hurt etc.. There was someone else in the l/r but I don't remember who..

I went upstairs to see where my Ma was, and when I got to her room, my heart fuckin' SANK. She was on her back in her bed, hand over her stomach which obv had been bleeding bad b/c there was blood on the steps, too, and some in the room. I immediately started asking her what was wrong, who did it, all that stuff.. She looked like she was in SO much pain, and I didn't know wtf to do @ that point.. She started to sit up and I was just like, omfg I can't do this.. Went downstairs and it was somehow dark out already.. I told everyone I'd be right out and closed the front door, and the kitchen window, b/c you could easily see all the blood thru either one.. Went into the l/r AGAIN to ask my sister wtf she did, and why, but I ended up coddling her (like I ALWAYS had/hated to growing up) trying to keep her temper down, moving the objects away slowly while she's not paying attention. After more of that bs'ing, and internal panicking, I remember my mother (didn't really forget, just got pushed aside) and I go back upstairs and into her room as she's getting out of bed, citing the need to use the bathroom..

This is where I lose it... She looks HORRIBLE from the neck down, but the same ol' Mommy otherwise... I'm fuckin' crying and begging her to let me help, saying that I'm gonna dial 9-1-1, or call a friend, and she keeps telling me "No, I don't want help. Don't call anyone, hang up the phone!".. All while fixing herself up, trying to change clothes. This baffles me, esp while I'm bawling my eyes out, and I'm like, "Mommy PLEASE let me help you! Why don't you want me to help you!?!?".. Her reply was "I don't want help. I've seen better things, I ready to go now" as if to say that she can see what's coming on the other side, and is ready to move towards it. I start BAWLING and pleading w/ her, telling her "I'm not ready, please don't leave me", "I can't do this by myself", and that I "can't do this w/o you, please don't leave me yet" which just made her repeat herself to me, basically telling me I had no choice but to let it happen b/c she had already made peace w/ it herself.

I have never felt an imaginary loss so strongly in my LIFE. It was so bad that I woke up @ 7am on the dot saying out loud "Oh my God, please don't leave me!" Just typing it, I can feel the sadness that shook me to the point of waking me up. This is horrible, but I understand it... When I was younger I used to have nightmares about my mom/dad's funerals. Never @ the same time tho, one was always alive. Also had the same recurring dream about my sister for about 8 years. There wasn't a funeral, b/c she didn't die, but she kept getting hurt, over and over, and it fucked me up for a MINUTE. I think my "fear" of 25 and beyond has more to do w/ the fact that I'm afraid to lose a family member, and the older I get, the older THEY get. Especially my parents. My mom will only be 45 this year, and my dad is pushing 50. Neither sound old to me, not even a little bit, but the thought of ME turning 45 kills me.

By then, who knows??? And I already know w/o a shadow of a doubt that my mom's death will prob be the final push into insanity for me. I can't imagine a life w/o her, even in dreams, so how will I handle it for real??? She is the glue that holds our family together and w/o her it would all fall apart. She kept telling me I could do it in the dream, but that's bullshit. When she got into that car accident last year, I couldn't even deal w/ her back pains that kept her out of work for a lil bit. Any kind of injury to my Ma is just unacceptable. I can't imagine how Lauren felt w/ her Ma going thru breast cancer treatment. To see your parents go thru so much pain, after all those years spent taking care of you??? I couldn't do it..

I don't even know what else to say.. I'm just gonna end it here, and start my next blog. Nothing I can do but think about it, it hasn't actually happened.

Yet.